Daniel Gale: Cumming to America
by Annetteskitty
Summary: Nerdalicious Daniel Gale is saying goodbye to England and hello to the United States. Looking to reinvent himself, he is all too gratified by the corn-fed derriers of Americans. Daniel Gale/Twilight cross over, slightly crackfic, AU, AH, Prepare for Perv
1. Prologue

**A/N We don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. We are just having a little pervy fun with the characters. OK maybe a lot of pervy fun with the characters.**

**Thanks to all the support for the first ever Daniel Gale/Twilight fanfic! Leave us reviews and let us know what you think. We hope this fic inspires you to write your own Daniel Gale fantasies. Remember, this fic is rated M for a very good reason but we already know that's why you're here. :-)**

**Make sure to visit our blog for banners, blinkies, and other visuals. We know you h00rs can't get enough of his sexy self. Links on the main page.**

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Prologue - Goodbye Guildford

Theme song - Coming to America by Neil Diamond

I stood in the center of my childhood room. The walls, shelves, and closet were bare; having packed up all of my things and shipped them ahead of my arrival. The room was an empty shell, sort of like my parents marriage.

"Let's get a move on son!" My father's voice rang out through our home. "We don't want to miss your flight." He continued to bellow from the first floor.

As I stepped out of my room, grabbing my luggage on the way out, I paused at the door frame. I said a silent goodbye to the Daniel that I had been in secondary school. At university I could be someone new, but university in America meant that I could reinvent myself.

My father drove me toward my future and with a one armed hug bid me goodbye.

The airport was crowded and people were brushing and bumping against one another. As I raised my hand to look at my flight itinerary, someone bumped into me roughly. They grumbled an apology and I was pressed into a tall blonde goddess.

She shrieked and I started apologizing. "I-I-I apologize. S-s-someone bumped into—"

"I have to be on a flight in twenty minutes." She exclaimed and looked down at the coffee that now soaked and stained the front of her uniform.

Uniform, flight attendant uniform, she was a Flight Attendant. Immediately my mind went to the place that it didn't need to be. The wet material of her blouse clung to her breasts in such a lovely fashion that I could see the indentation of her lacy bra and her hardening nipples. I almost had to wipe my mouth.

"Now I have to find a way to change and get to the plane," she continued to grumble.

"I-I am so sorry." I looked around frantically and grabbed the handkerchief from my pocket. "Let me help you –" I began to pat at the coffee soaked blouse.

"Oh my god!" She smacked my hands away. "How dare you!" She slapped my face and stormed off with her rolling luggage. Oddly enough I was totally aroused.

A group of people had formed and were snickering at me. I adjusted my glasses, dropped my head, and headed toward the ticket counter. Visions of lacy covered breasts were dancing in my head, as well as my glimpse of her delicious round ass, covered in that tight polyester skirt. Polyester, man-made material of the Gods!

Once the airplane had lifted from the ground, I mumbled 'goodbye Great Britain' and sat back for the remainder of my flight.

"Are you a doctor?"

My head snapped up from my book to see the curious glance of an elderly American woman who was seated next to me. I pushed my glasses back up my nose before shaking my head. "No, university student."

She smiled warmly. "You are going to college in America?"

"Yes." I smiled and looked back to my book.

"So, you are going to become a doctor then?" She kept pressing the doctor inquiry.

"Um…well perhaps someday but for now I plan to major in biology." I looked at her in confusion.

"Oh," her eyes shifted to the book in my lap, "I just assumed –" she motioned to the text book.

"Oh," realization dawned on me. "Oh, no, I simply find this topic fascinating." I gave an appreciative sigh.

Her stare became one of confusion, but intrigue. "The female pelvis?" She almost choked out the words.

"Ah, yes. Blandine has a very informative stance on this underappreciated region of the female anatomy. It's quite fascinating." I continued to inform her of how her pelvis had been designed with am emphasis on pregnancy and childbirth, as well as the specific exercises to increase flexibility, strength, and coordination of each pelvic function. At the end of the flight, I was still clutching Blandine's text 'The Female Pelvis Anatomy & Exercises,' while the elderly woman practically ran from me. I sighed as I shoved the heavy textbook into my messenger bag and then slung the bag over my body.

_You aren't starting off very well with being a new man, Daniel!_ I lectured myself mentally and straightened my back. I was in the United States now and it was time to put all my months of research into action. Hello America!

Stepping off the plane at the Seatac Airport I realized that it was even more crowded with bodies than the airport back home or maybe they were just bigger bodies? _No, Daniel, This is home now._ I squared my shoulders and made my way through the chaos.

As I got through a massive crowd of business persons, airport employees, and other travelers I was greeted by a sea of delicious corn-fed American _derrieres_. I knew at this point I was going to love America!

* Wham * Flailing my arms out from my sides to catch my balance, I grasped onto the nearest stable object. My hands landed on the broad muscular shoulders of a very large man.

"Watch where you are going!" He screamed at me and I flinched away.

"I apologize." I looked around, still a bit distracted from the beauty surrounding me. _Damn!_ It was that moment that I also realized that I had not gone in the correct direction for my luggage arrival. One glance at my Swatch watch told me that I would have to run to make it to baggage claim in time to see my bags float down the conveyor belt and make sure nobody steals them. I'd read the crime statistics for the US, so I was a bit paranoid. "Bollocks!" I hugged my messenger bag tightly to me and darted through the crowd and down the escalator to see my rainbow luggage set revolving around the baggage carousel all alone.

I then took the airport shuttle directly to the McCarty Hall dormitory at the University of Washington. My new home.


	2. Hello, University of Washington

**A/N: We don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. We are just having a little pervy fun with the characters. OK maybe a lot of pervy fun with the characters.**

**Thanks to all the support for the first ever Daniel Gale/Twilight fanfic! Leave us reviews and let us know what you think. We hope this fic inspires you to write your own Daniel Gale fantasies. Remember, this fic is rated M for a very good reason but we already know that's why you're here. :-)**

**Thank you ladies and pervs for all your enthusiasm and support. We loved all the reviews and alerts! So how did you hear about our little fic?**

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Chapter 1 - Hello, University of Washington

Theme song - Freedom by George Michael

I stepped off of the airport shuttle into the gray haze of Seattle. It wasn't much different than England with the overcast, drizzly weather. Shaking off the thoughts of my old home, I headed toward my new home: the McCarty Hall dormitory. I felt a tremendous sense of freedom now that I was finally on my own and making a fresh start.

Choosing to come to the University of Washington had not been a difficult decision. Seattle seemed like a decent place to live and start over. The UW was a giant research institution with a medical school. Since I was not settled into a definite major at the moment, it left me many possibilities. I also wanted to get as far away from my parents as possible. I no longer had to sit at a dinner table in uncomfortable silences, overhear the snide and ruthless comments they would spit at each other, and I would definitely not miss my mother's constant disapproving looks. Other than sharing an interest in medicine with my father, I didn't even fit in with my own family. God, knows I never fit in at school.

As I pulled my luggage down the damp and crowded concrete walkway, I thought about what it would be like to actually meet my new roommate, Emmett. We had been in contact through email and he sounded like a pretty decent guy. Being sympathetic to the long journey it was from England to the university, he wanted to let me know that he was already bringing a refrigerator, microwave, television, DVD player, and a game system. I suspected that Emmett would be quiet and studious, given his organized email and that he had already decided to double major in computer science and electrical engineering. I also figured that we would have much in common, given his admission of loving Dr. Who.

Since Emmett had been so generous in supplying the room with almost all amenities, I only needed to supply my personal necessities and a few other comforting things from home; mainly my tea kettle and George Forman grill. I just needed to find some power adapters.

I stood in front of the dormitory for just a moment, taking in the look of my new home, my new life. With a grin on my face I walked through the glass doors and stood in a line at the front desk. The voices around me filled the room as people introduced themselves and current acquaintances squealed in excitement of running into each other. I was so lost in the conversations and…_Oh, look at the backside on her_…

"Excuse me? Hello?!" I snapped my head away from the gorgeous ass across the room to the girl standing behind the desk. She had a look of annoyance and impatience on her face. "Can I help you?" She forced a smile.

"Um," I pushed my glasses up my nose and dug for my registration papers that I had folded and shoved into the deep pockets of my black wool coat. "Uh, yes, I need to check in and…"

She grabbed my papers and cut me off. "Okay, you are on the third floor, room 310." She handed me a key ring with two silver keys and a bronze one. "These two are for your room," she pointed to the silver, "the other one is for your mailbox." She pointed toward the bronze key and then to a wall on the other side that was filled with lock boxes. She handed my papers back over to me. "Your roommate arrived yesterday. Is there anything else?"

"Um, uh, no I think that…"

She cut me off again. "Great," she looked around me. "Next."

"Oh, um," I felt the bump of the person behind me as they pushed me out of their way to get to the desk. I put my head down and sighed as I looked at the large brown plaque on the wall that informed me of the direction of the elevator.

I reached room 310 and smiled widely as I put my key in the door to open it. The start of my new life!

"It's unlocked" a boisterous voice called out from behind the wooden door.

I turned the knob and pushed the door open wide to enter, stopping just inside the door to take in the room and my roommate. All of my pre-shipped boxes were stacked up next to the wall, my name written on them. I saw that my microscope had already arrived from the online site that I had purchased it from. I smiled. I couldn't wait to open it.

Then my attention was drawn to the bunk beds that my roommate was lying on. Even from a lying down position I could tell that he was a huge mass of muscle. His eyes opened and he lifted his head, appraising me.

"Daniel?" He sat up on the edge of the bed with a large dimpled smile.

"Uh, y-yes." My response was hesitant and a little unsure. I would have thought that I had the wrong room if he hadn't known my name and I hadn't already seen my belongings.

"Huh," he smirked at me. Quickly he stood up and approached me. "I'm Emmett, welcome to the US my man!" His large hand reached toward me.

"Th-thank you," I stuttered out and grasped his hand. Emmett's meaty hand crushed my long thin fingers and my previous thought that we would be just like 'two peas in a pod' flushed down the idea drain. There was no way that this All-American guy would want to hang around the awkward likes of me. I suppose that I can just be as quiet and invisible as possible. We could still get along and manage to be civil after all. I internally shrugged at myself.

"So, top or bottom?" He interrupted my thoughts and raised his brow at me.

"Whaaat?" I choked.

"Do you like it on the top or the bottom?"

My mind instantly flashed to Emmett pinning me down and jamming what I was pretty sure would be a large penis into my ass. My cheeks immediately tightened up.

"I like to be on the bottom, if that's OK with you." he continued.

I was totally speechless.

"The bunks –" He offered when I didn't answer. "Do you want the top bunk or bottom?" My body relaxed when I understood what he was referring to. "Personally I think that a feather weight such as you would probably work out better on top. Is that alright with you?"

I nodded my head. "Yes, of course."

"Wow, listen to mister proper Brit!" He smacked my shoulder roughly, causing me to stumble a bit. "You are gonna get so much pussy with that accent my brother." He laughed loudly and walked over toward the dressers. "Oh, I already took the dresser on the right."

"Oh, sure." I pulled my luggage over to my boxes and started to unpack my things, and that is when I noticed the large black chair taking up most of the room. It was quite large, which I'm sure was needed for a man his size. My curious looks at the chair caught Emmett's attention.

"Dude, it's a recliner. Don't you have those over in England?" He stood with his arms crossed over his chest.

I smiled a little sheepishly at him.

"It's great for fucking." He smiled widely at me. "Just make sure you clean up after yourself. I don't wanna sit in your fucking jizz or any...you know, juices." With another smack to my back, he laughed loudly. I think he almost dislocated my arm.

"O-okay," I answered with a forced smile to conceal the pain of my arm.

"I also keep some anti bacterial wipes over here. Feel free to wipe anything down....the chair, the doorknobs, the surface of your desk.... Oh and there is a bottle of hand sanitizer on my dresser. I'm a sort of a germ freak and flu season is about to start up again. We don't want to get sick now do we, bro?"

I smiled and nodded my head.

"You don't seem to say much Danny-boy." He plopped back down onto the bottom bunk.

I pulled my sheets from one of my boxes and turned to him with them in my hand.

"Are those Dr. Who sheets?" Emmett smiled at me. Maybe he would be a decent roommate, he smiled so much and seemed so happy.

"Yeah," I ducked my head a little. They had little TARDIS's and Dalecks all over them. I knew they would be covered with a duvet but knowing they were there made me smile.

"Those are fucking great! I thought Christopher Eccleston was pretty cool, but David Tennent kicks ass!" I heard the rustle of paper and looked up to see Emmett holding a magazine in front of his face. "Check out the tits on this one!" He turned the magazine toward me and there stretched across the pages was a thin brunette with massively large boobs. There was an instant stirring in my pants. I quickly made my way to the top bunk to put my sheets in place.

Before I got back down from the bunk I saw Emmett move toward my belongings. I moved as quickly as I could, stumbling on the ladder, before he could see what was in there.

"Careful Danny-boy," he barked out a laugh and then his face went blank. Emmett picked up Mr. Snuffles and then looked at me with a cocked eyebrow.

"Uh, my mum must have put that in there." I nervously adjusted my glasses and shifted my weight back and forth between my feet.

Emmett burst into laughter. "Yeah, sure she did!" He tossed it at me and I caught the worn out bear quickly, internally cursing myself with not being able to part with the damn thing. I loved him so much he had no fur left. Well, there went any thought of being mates. He now thinks I am a complete loser.

He must have seen the look on my face because at that moment Emmett pulled open a drawer on his dresser and cleared his throat. I turned to look at him. "Your secret is safe with me." He pulled out a blue homemade, hairless bunny that had button eyes. With a loving sniff of the bunny and kissed the top of its head and returned it to his dresser. "We shall never speak of this again." He raised an eyebrow and teasingly warned. I gave him a little salute and put Mr. Snuffles into my dresser; for safe keeping.

When I turned from my dresser, Emmett was back in my boxes. "Um, my things aren't really that...ah...interesting." I tried to sway him away from the boxes.

"Holy shit, what the fuck is this?" Emmett unrolled my large poster.

"Uh, well, that is the female vagina." He turned around and looked at me with a shocked expression. "It's a medical diagram of…"

"Who gives a shit about that, can I put it over my bed?"

I laughed.

"Dude you are a freak!" Emmett laughed back.

Before meeting Emmett, when someone called me a freak it hurt my feelings. However, I knew he meant that as a compliment...in his own way.

We agreed that we would put it on the back of the door. Emmett didn't have much need for the shelves in the room, so I arranged my books on them in alphabetical order. There was enough room left over for my favorite action figures.

Just as I was finishing with the last of the items from my luggage there was a soft knock at the door. Emmett jumped up from the recliner, tossed his nude girl magazine onto his bed, and went to answer the door. "Hey baby," he crooned.

"Hey yourself," said a soft voice. Then I heard Emmett's stifled mumble and the door hit the wall.

I looked up just as Emmett was pushing a tall thin blonde off of him. "Uh, Rose, this is my roommate Daniel." He nodded his head in my direction. She turned to look at me and I raised my hand to her with a soft smile.

"Oh, I didn't realize that your roommate had arrived." She smiled back. _She was absolutely beautiful. Of course Emmett would have a girlfriend as lovely as that. I bet that she's the one he has intercourse with in the recliner._ "You wanna watch?" She palmed his dick, Emmett moaned, and I choked on my own saliva. Visions of her spread out in the recliner while Emmett slammed into her roughly assaulted my brain and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to stand up for a few minutes.

"Christ babe, you can't just talk like that around me," he pulled her to him and I could hear the sucking and slapping of their lips.

"Oh god, will you two fucking stop for like two minutes!" A small screech alerted me to a tiny, and I mean extremely tiny, girl with black spiky hair.

"You're just jealous." Emmett shot back at her.

The tiny brunette snorted. "Been there done that." She had a fake smile on her face and was batting her eyes at him. Her attention turned to me. "Who's this?" her eyes raked my seated form.

"This is Daniel, my roommate." Emmett introduced me once again. "Daniel this is Alice and the kinky one here is my girlfriend Rose." He motioned between the brunette and the blonde.

I made sure that I had calmed before I stood up. "Hello," I held out my hand.

"Ooohhh, are you from England?" Tiny Alice sauntered over to me with a sly smile.

"Uh, y-yes." Her smiled widened at my response. Alice's mouth opened, but she was cut off by Rose.

"Really?" Rose moved quickly toward me and stood very close to me.

I nodded.

"That's hot. I like your colorful sweater." Her body pressed closer.

"Jesus Rose, give the boy some room to breathe." Emmett chuckled.

I thought that he would get angry, but he resumed his position in the recliner behind me. I stood frozen.

"Is that your luggage?" Alice's question caught me off guard for a moment.

"Yes." I answered slowly and confused.

"Oh," she looked back at me and seemed to ponder over something. "Oh I get it." She smiled. "You're gay!"

"Wha-what?!" My mind swirled at her words and I almost felt faint.

"You're gay?" Rose questioned with a gleam in her eye.

"N-no, I am n-not…" I stuttered.

"Fuck, leave him alone." Emmett grumbled and I turned to look at him, worried about what he would think. "Dude if you are gay, that's fucking alright with me. Don't let these two fuck with you. The gays love me. I can't hardly blame them since I take such good care of my body and all."

"But I'm not –"

"Do you fuck boys Daniel?" Rose bit on her bottom lip and eyed me over.

"N-no, I am not –"

"Oh, you're bisexual" Alice exclaimed.

I groaned.

"So you fuck boys and girls?" Rose's eyes lit up like it was a holiday.

"No, I do not…"

"Em, we should totally invite Daniel to join us." Her eyes shifted from me to Emmett and then back.

"Damn it woman, I am not letting some dude fuck my ass!" He stood from the chair and then looked at me. "No offense or anything, man. I am sure you are quite attractive and all but I wouldn't know because I don't do dudes."

Rose crossed her arms defensively across her chest. "You like it when I stick my finger…"

"That will be enough from you!" Emmett cut her off. "I am not fucking a guy, end of story!"

"I brought Alice to our bed." Rose pouted at Emmett. "Besides, look at him, he's so dainty, it would almost be like having a girl there." Her eyes were pleading with him.

"I. Am. Not. Gay." I finally enunciated each word firmly. The room fell silent.

"It wouldn't matter if you were dude." Emmett patted my shoulder. I sighed.

"Oh well," Rose sighed in defeat. "Let's go get something to eat."

"Daniel, you should come too." Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me along with her.

The girls had taken us to a Thai restaurant nearby. Emmett ate more than I imagined possible for any human to consume. Rose and Alice ate lightly and Emmett finished their plates. I learned that they were all from the small town of Forks, located on the Olympic Peninsula. Rose was going to major in art, photography to be exact, and Alice was looking into art appreciation. When asked what my plans were, they seemed quite interested when I told them of my desire to go to medical school but that I needed to choose my undergraduate major. After that, they spent most of the time asking me 'What do you call this in England?' It was slightly flattering at first, their interest, but soon became rather annoying. However, as the girls walked ahead of us on the way back to the dormitory, it allowed me a perfect view of their backsides. Rose had a nice figure with a plump rear, but her large breasts were by far her superior asset. Surprisingly to me the one place that Alice did have curves was her ass. She had the cutest bubble of an ass I had ever seen on someone so small.

I felt Emmett nudge my arm and when I looked at him I realized I had been busted 'checking out' the girls. I blushed and dropped my head, pushing my glasses up my nose.

"Rose is pretty fucking hot, isn't she?" He had a crooked smile and a proud nod.

I shrugged.

"Are you sure you're not gay?" He laughed. "Look at her," he motioned his head in her direction and made an outline of her body with his hands, "she is fucking perfection." He almost growled the words.

"She is quite lovely," I said quickly. Emmett gave me a look that simply said 'come on man'. I sighed. "She is quite attractive. However...she...well, I prefer a little more meat on women."

Emmett stopped walking and I turned to look at him. His expression was shock.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry if I have offended you." I tried to back pedal quickly. "I mean, I just...ah hell...Emmett, I prefer a little more ass on a woman that was all that I…" He burst into a roar of laughter.

"What's so funny back there?" Rose eyed both of us from over her shoulder.

Emmett shook his head and gasped for air. "Nothing baby, Danny-boy and I were just finding out how much we have in common."

He then whispered, "I like a little more junk in the trunk too."

She gave him a look of disbelief, but shrugged it off and resumed walking back to the dorm.

Emmett jogged up beside me quickly. "So, I take it that you've noticed the hot little ass on Alice then?" He winked at me as he nudged my arm a few times; both of our eyes immediately began to follow Alice's ass.

The girls left us in our room, but not before Rose practically devoured Emmett's face in front of me and Alice kissed my cheek and left with a small smile. As I was turning to tell Rose goodnight, she grabbed me by both sides of my face and planted her lips to mine. Those were the first and second kisses of my life that didn't come from Mum or Nan. These American girls were incredibly friendly.

She pulled back and winked at me. "The invitation is open." A sly smile playing on her lips as she left the room.

I straightened my glasses and wiped her saliva from my lips.

"Damn that girl is such a freak," Emmett laughed and started to strip off his clothing.

"S-so, that doesn't bother you?" I questioned as I pulled my red plaid pajamas from the dresser.

"Nah," Emmett said casually. "I kind of find it a turn on, ya know?"

I turned to answer him, but the words would not form. Emmett stood before me in only his boxer briefs.

He continued, "Besides, I know she loves me. We've been together for just over a year, but friends for since we were in grade school."

My mouth was gaping; thankfully Emmett didn't notice. His whole body was muscle. Then my eyes dropped to where they shouldn't have. _Oh my! All muscle indeed: muscle and penis._ I immediately felt even more inadequate than usual.

As Emmett climbed into his bunk, I hid behind the recliner chair and changed into my pajamas. Taking my dirty clothing to a basket that I had brought, I neatly placed them inside.

"Did you just fucking fold your dirty laundry?" Emmett snickered.

"Uh, um, I suppose I did." I said as I rubbed my eyes under my glasses.

"Dude, you crack me the fuck up man." He snorted out before rolling over toward the wall.

As I climbed into bed, I first noticed his pile of dirty clothes at the side of his bed. Then my mind drifted to the ass that I saw this afternoon while waiting in line, Rose's large plump breasts, and the way Alice's ass was tightly hugged by the denim of her low rise skinny jeans. I couldn't shut off my mind from all the visual stimulation.

I shifted around a couple of times in bed, my hard erection making it difficult not to notice it. My hand drifted to my crotch and palmed it. Quickly I pulled back and panicked. _How was I going to be able to_ _masturbate with a roommate?_ I was an only child and now I share a room with another man. I had never had to share anything before, and now, well now I was going to suffer the worse case of sexual frustration imaginable.

Something must be done about that.

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	3. Coffee and Barbells

**A/N We don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. We are just having a little pervy fun with the characters. OK maybe a lot of pervy fun with the characters. **

**Thank you ladies and pervs for all your enthusiasm and support. We loved all the reviews and alerts! Remember, this fic is rated M for a very good reason but we already know that's why you're here. :-)**

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Chapter 2 – Coffee and Barbells

Chapter Theme song - My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas

The sound of snoring filled my ears as I rolled over with a groan. Emmett was just as loud in his sleep as he was when he was awake. I definitely needed to get some earplugs. With a yawn and a stretch, my hand searched for the case that held my glasses. After I laid there for a few moments trying to will away my morning erection, I made the decision to head to the showers in hopes of some cold water. After grabbing my shower caddy and towel, I headed off.

It was quite early, but I passed a couple of other residents along the way. I held my towel in front of myself to cover my _prominent_ predicament. Entering the shower room, I walked straight toward the open stall in front of me. I could hear the water running from another shower.

I stripped off my pajamas and folded them before placing them and my glasses onto the bench just outside of the shower. I entered the stall. Next, I removed my boxers, folded them in half, and then hung them over the shower stall door next to my towel.

The water was slightly cold at first, which helped my situation and I was relieved. As the water warmed up I could hear heavy breathing. I tried to ignore it, but it grew louder and I became extremely aware of two voices; male and female.

"Oh yeah, right there baby." The female panted.

"You like that, huh, you like the way I get up in that?" The male voice was deep and husky.

I leaned my head back against the shower wall, fisted the hair at the side of my head, and sighed. _I was going to go insane._ It had been three days, three long days, since I had felt the release from ejaculation. Though I knew it was medically impossible, my body felt as if my balls testicles were going to burst. My hand instinctively followed its primal desires. Of course my penis was fully erect and throbbing from the audio pornography that was now getting even louder.

"Oh god, yes!" She practically sang.

I fisted my penis and slowly slid my hand up my wet, soapy shaft.

"Fuck, baby, you…fuck…you are so goooooood." He growled.

My thumb circled the head of my penis and I felt the stir in my stomach. I pumped my hand downward again.

"Oh…Yes… Fuck me harder!" Now she was screaming.

I fervently stroked my erection at a pace that matched their panting and moans. My mind drifted off to picture the girl in the shower. She was bent forward in front of me, her plump round ass slamming into my pelvis as we moved in synchronization. My hands were gripped onto her fleshy love handles as I pushed into her deeply.

"Fuck, babe, I need you to cum. Give. It. To. Me!" With each word that he enunciated I slammed into the image that I held in my mind.

"Ungh…I'm…Oh fuck, I'm cumming!"

"That's it baby. Fuck yeah!" he growled and then groaned immensely loud.

"Ah..ah…hahhh…uhuhuhuhuh," I followed along with them and my semen washed down the drain_. I wonder exactly how many eggs could that have possibly inseminated._ I shook off the thought and reached again for my soap.

I lathered up my body, feeling the best I had in three days. Returning my soap to the plastic container, I rinsed off my body. I then grabbed my small bottle of shampoo and squeezed out what was left of it. As I lathered up my hair, I made a mental note to find a local drugstore so that I could get my prescription dandruff shampoo. It was probably a good idea to explore the campus a bit and find the bookstore.

After drying off with my towel, I slipped on the clean white boxers that I had brought along and stepped out of the shower stall. The moment I was through the door I slipped on my glasses. I heard a noise and looked to my left. I wanted to shrink back into the shower stall. Three stalls down stood a large, dark guy with a very tall, pale girl. They were wrapped in towels and I realized the sound I had heard was their sucking noises. I quickly turned my head and my attention back to getting dressed.

I slid my brown corduroy trousers on as fast as I could without stumbling into a wall or over the bench. Then I pulled my 'Carpe Diem' t-shirt over my head. I had discovered, during my research, that American's are a very t-shirt oriented people. It seemed to be a staple in most wardrobes. I had brought a few before I left England, but decided that I would simply purchase some American clothing once I got here.

The 'audio pornography' couple had gotten dressed pretty quickly, because they were passing me as I collected my things. I glanced up as they passed by.

"Hey man," the large guy tilted his chin up briefly as a greeting.

"Uh, um, hello," I gave a thin lipped, nervous smile.

The girl with him giggled and buried her head in his chest. As they continued toward the exit, my eyes immediately and inappropriately dropped to her ass. His hand was firmly placed over her right cheek with his thumb submerged into the waist of her sweatpants. Her ass was decent, but there was nearly not enough there.

On my way back to my room I began to wonder if today would be different. Would Emmett realize that I was a geek and decide that first day pleasantries were over? I sighed as I opened the door, but was resolved that today was a new day…a new life; an American life.

I was putting away my things when Emmett groaned and rolled over.

"Fuhhck!" I glanced back just as he rubbed his crotch. "What time is it man?"

I looked down at my watch.

"Is that a fucking Swatch watch?!" Emmett could not contain his laughter.

"I, uh, I think so…why?" I was confused. What was wrong with my watch?

"Dude, you really do crack me up." Emmett sat at the edge of the bunk and rubbed his face.

I shrugged. Slipping on my red cardigan sweater and my messenger bag I headed toward the door.

"Where you going?"

I turned as Emmett stood up. Holy moly! Emmett stood erect and my eyes couldn't help but land on his crotch. I quickly diverted my attention before I answered him.

"I was, uh, going to find a local chemist and…"

"You mean a pharmacist?" Emmett asked.

I nodded.

"What do you need a pharmacy for?" He was quick to question with narrowed eyes.

"Oh, I need to get some shampoo." I said quickly.

"Well, fuck, let me grab a quick shower and a change. We can head out together." Emmett traipsed over to his dresser and grabbed some things.

I stood dumbfounded. _He still wanted to hang out with me._ This was a complete surprise. _Perhaps I have already changed away from that geek I once was._ I stood a little taller and prouder.

Emmett brought me out of my thoughts. "Oh, dude, you should definitely get yourself some flip-flops for the shower. Those fucking stalls are a goddamn breeding ground for foot fungus." He shuddered as he slipped into his flip-flops.

While Emmett took his shower I decided to go down to the front desk and see if I could get some campus information. I was in luck, on the desk sat a stand with brochures. I grabbed a UW campus map and a New Student Guide. Once back in the room I sat at the desk and began to look through them carefully.

I had barely gotten through the student guide when Emmett came back into the room.

"You weren't joking when you said quick shower." I smiled and pushed my glasses back up my nose. That was when I realized that Emmett was in a large fluffy blue robe

"It doesn't take long when you look like this." His smile was broad and he posed with flexed arms. I shook my head and snorted. Secretly I wished that I had that body.

With that thought, Emmett dropped his robe and stood naked in the middle of our room. If I thought he was impressive with clothing on, hell if he wasn't ridiculously built with them off.

"Oh shit, Danny boy, you have to hear about the dream I had last night." He didn't dress quickly enough and I couldn't take my eyes from his…er…well it was practically bouncing around as he moved. "The two girls were all over me man; one was straddled over my face while the other was riding my cock like a fucking jockey." He sighed heavily. "It was fucking hot man!"

Emmett finally slid on some underwear and my attention broke away from the trance his king cobra had put me in. _No wonder he had Rose and Alice._

"Did you hear me? Hello, Danny boy, you there?" Emmett's hands were waving in my face.

"Oh, sorry, yes?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "Come on, I am going to get you acquainted with American Coffee, instead of that shit girls drink at parties." He motioned me to follow him, so I did.

Along the way down the hallway, I watch has Emmett peaks inside a partially open door. "Hey Shortcake, you are looking cute today." Even from where I was standing I could see him wink at her. The inside the room giggled and gave him a small wave.

"Dude, she seems _really_ nice and has a decent ass." He winked at me and I felt my cheeks warm up. "I don't' know her name, but when I find out I will introduce you."

"So she doesn't mind you just sticking your head into her room like that?"

Emmett gave me a questioning look.

"Well, you said that you don't know her name, so I assume she doesn't know yours."

He shrugged and then clapped my on the back. _I swear that he is going to dislocate something on me before the week is up__._

"Danny boy, you need to understand that American girls like attention. They want you to make that extra effort to 'get' to them. Ya understand what I'm saying? Besides, her door was open."

I didn't, but I just nodded. _Apparently, these girls want you to do spontaneous things and didn't mind your intrusion if you flattered them. Hmm..._

Making our way down the hallway we came upon two more lovely girls. Emmett stopped to smile and say hello.

"Ladies, this here is Daniel Gale, my new roommate. He came all the way over here from England."

I smiled, I was totally embarrassed.

"Daniel, this is Amy and this is Tina."

"Pleasure to meet you." I replied.

As we walked away Emmett whispered a little too loudly. "Did you check out the rack on Amy? Ahh, I just want stick my face between them and Mhmmhm. Then there's Tina, she just dazzles me with that fucking sly smile and what an ass!" He slapped my chest and I gasped for air. "Dude, there are a lot of fine ladies living on our floor. We need to get you hooked up."

"Emmett, I really don't think that is necessary I came here to get a degree so I could apply for medical school and-"

I stopped as Emmett stared at me with a look of complete bewilderment.

"You don't wanna get some pussy?" he asked.

"Well I would like that as long as I didn't catch a venereal disease or impregnate a girl. It is just that my main focus is on my studies."

"Dude, there is plenty of time for both. You need to lighten up Danny Boy. It's a good thing we were assigned as roommates, my friend."

I couldn't help but smile inside as being called his friend.

Suddenly, a hard tug to my arm stopped me from walking.

"We are here." Emmett announced.

"Where?" I looked around. _This isn't a pharmacy or even the bookstore._

"This is the Husky Union Building, aka the HUB. They have food, games, and student organizations," he said nonchalantly. "Hey Angela!" Emmett announced as he pulled me toward a stand that smelled of coffee. "Danny boy here is not used to coffee, he's a tea loving Brit. Give us two non-fat, triple venti mochas. Please?" He tacked the 'please' on with a sickeningly sweet smile.

"You're from England huh?" Angela's voice was sweet and perky. However, my attention was immediately drawn to her tight pink t-shirt. Her personality wasn't the only thing perky about her.

"Um, yes," I answered with my eyes glued to the outline of what I assumed were two nipple piercings. I couldn't look away. They were blatantly taunting me to the fact that they were there and that she was braless and she was chilled.

Angela produced two large lidded cups to Emmett with a warm smile.

"Thanks Ang." He winked at her. "I've got to school the Brit." He chuckled.

I scoffed at him. _Did he truly believe that we didn't have coffee in the UK?_

"Dude, calm the fuck down," he whispered, "I am trying to get you some pussy."

"Well, if you ever have any questions," Angela motioned toward the coffee stand around her, "just let me know and I will help you out."

Emmett nudged my arm and it took all my strength to not grab the pulsing area. _That was going to bruise._ I looked at him incredulously and he motioned with his head for me to follow him.

I quickly turned to Angela as we walked away. "Thank you for the coffee, Angela. It was nipple…I, uh, I mean nice to meet you." I felt the blush on my face as I hurried away from the stand. Emmett was of course in tears from his laughter. I covered my face and groaned.

"Oh fuck, Danny boy, that was priceless," he howled.

I groaned again.

After a couple of deep breaths he was finally able to speak normally again. "Don't let it bother you, man. They are mesmerizing." He seemed to get lost in thought for a moment. "No one can stop staring at those, they stare right back at you, practically probing your brain." He shrugged. "Besides she does it on purpose for tips."

"Really?" I was flabbergasted.

"Fuck yeah," he exclaimed. "That's why I gave her an extra ten bucks."

I chuckled at his grin.

"We should head to the book store and then we can go over to Target up at Northgate." Emmett changed the topic abruptly and we started walking again.

"Will we take the bus?" I asked as we approached a bus stop. I was eager to see the whole campus and to experience everything.

"Hell no, what we need is a sweet ride and I know just who to go to." His smile was mischievous. "Let me make a call."

I sipped at my coffee and took in the beautiful campus around me as Emmett made his call.

"Okay, it's all handled. We need to head over to Rose and Alice's." Emmett gave my arm a quick tug and we started in a different direction.

"Does Rose have a car?" I asked between sips.

Emmett nodded his head. "No but my girl, Bella, does and she just got here."

We arrived to the dorm building, which was conveniently located next to ours. After taking the elevator up a couple of floors, Emmett led us to a door. He pounded on the door. "Open up, it's a panty raid!" He yelled through the door.

"Settle your ass down McCarty!" A voice yelled as the door swung open.

"Baby girl!" His arms wrapped around the girl in front of him. As he swung her in a circle he entered the room. I slowly followed and stayed standing in the open doorway. "When did you get here?" he placed her down on her feet.

"Last night," she answered with a large smile. The girl was amazingly attractive. She had long mahogany colored hair, translucent fair skin, a heart shaped face, and…holy gods of derrieres…she had the most amazing backside I had ever seen. Her figure was divine. Jealousy began to set in with the familiarity that Emmett had with her.

"Danny boy," I jerked out of my thoughts and looked to Emmett, "this is Bella. She is one of my oldest and bestest friends ever." Then he turned to Bella. "Bella, this is Danny-boy."

"Um, Daniel," I corrected and stuck out my hand.

Bella reached out and shook my hand. My eyes connected to the chocolate brown eyes that she was looking back at me with. "It's nice to meet you." She released my hand and I wanted to grab her by her full hips to stay near me. "Don't let this beast annoy you too much."

Emmett faked hurt. "I can't believe that you would say such a thing to the boy who used to make mud pies with you." Bella laughed and he turned his attention to me. With a not so quiet whisper he stated, "She used to pin me down and make me eat them." He smiled and then continued. "And sometimes I still like her to pin me down and have her way with me."

There was a loud slap as Bella's hand hit him in the chest. "You are horrible!" He just laughed louder.

"So, who wants to ride me, I mean, give me a ride to the bookstore?" Emmett wrapped his arm around Bella's shoulders. "Baby girl?" he wiggled his brow at her.

Rose sighed. "Why do I put up with this?"

"Because he has a huge cock," Alice chimed in and everyone looked at her.

"That, he does." Rose shrugged.

Bella grabbed her purse. "We can all fit in the car, but it will be tight."

"I am going to be stuck in the middle again." Alice groaned

"Don't hate the bug Alice!" Bella teased and walked passed her.

We all headed toward the car, but my eyes were fixated on the 'holy grail of asses'.

God bless America.

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	4. Target

**A/N We don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. We are just having a little pervy fun with the characters. OK maybe a lot of pervy fun with the characters.**

**Remember, this fic is rated M for a very good reason. You know you love it! **

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Chapter 3 - Target

Theme song - Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus

Bella's wonderful arse led us to a small and very well aged automobile. The 1973 Volkswagon bug was cute and round just like Bella. Emmett smiled broadly and winked as he pulled the passenger seat forward and motioned for us to climb in. As Rose climbed into the back of the small auto Emmett's hand darted out and slapped her bum. She squealed as she hurried into her seat.

"I'm not sitting in the middle!" Alice pushed me toward the car and I climbed in. Alice was close behind me and I heard her squeal as she hopped quickly into the car. A small chuckle from Emmett gave away that he had done something to her behind as well. I was quite comfortable, squeezed in between two lovely girls, their hips squeezing into mine.

When Emmett sat down into the passenger seat the car shifted. This motion shifted Rose and Alice closer to me, though I didn't think that the car had shifted that much. If I hadn't known better I would have sworn that the girls were trying to get closer to me.

Before I knew it, the driver's door opened and I craned my neck to watch her luscious buttocks slide down into her seat.

"Everyone ready?" Bella looked to Emmett and then into the back seat.

"Yep," Alice chirped.

"Yeah," Rose sighed out.

"Let's go," I smiled brightly at her.

Soon the car was in motion and we were on our way to the UW bookstore. It was a quick trip, so it wasn't long before we were all standing in the bookstore buying our textbooks and school supplies. I also bought a couple of UW Husky t-shirts and a sweatshirt that Alice insisted I needed to own.

Once we all loaded our bags into the car and climbed back into our positions we headed back toward the dorm.

"Where are you going?" Emmett asked Bella.

"We can drop the books off on the way to Target." She shrugged. "It'll give us more room for the other bags."

"That's fucking stupid. Let's just go to the store."

"Fine." Bella growled at him. _She was beautiful and from this angle I could just see a swell of skin bulging over the top of her jeans._

We were in the car for about 20 minutes before Bella finally drove the car into the parking garage. Emmett was out the door quickly.

"Christ woman you need to get a bigger car. It's all cramped in there."

"Hey, next time we can take your car!" Bella cheerfully replied.

Emmett looked down, "I don't have one. Mama says I don't need one with everything for school being within walking distance."

Bells remained silent and smiled brightly at Emmett's child-like pouty face.

Emmett slowly continued, "Thank you for driving us around, Bella. Can I buy you a cherry Slurpee?"

"OK!" she said with a bright smile.

As I climbed out I watched Emmett stretch his arms high above his head. I could just see his muscular stomach between the gap of his jeans and shirt. My attention was stolen by Rose. Her hand came from around me and grabbed Emmett between his legs. I flinched.

"Fuck Rosie!" He coughed out.

"That was for the ass smacking, baby." She purred out and then swayed her hips seductively as the three girls walked into the large Target store.

Emmett straightened himself up. "Damn I love that woman." He smiled brightly and nudged me with his elbow. "Come on." His hand grabbed my sleeve and pulled me along to the entrance.

"We're gonna to head to the 'girlie' section, but we'll meet back up here at the food court when we're done, okay?" Alice smiled as Bella walked up next to them with a large red shopping cart.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever... You can shop for tampons and maxi pads without us." Emmett turned to me. "Grab a cart man." I raised an eyebrow at him. "Look, I would, but I just don't do pushing the cart."

I grabbed a cart and yanked, but it was stuck. I pulled again, but was only jerked forward against the carts. With a large breath I pulled harder and resulted in knocking the wind out of myself with the shopping cart.

"Oh Danny boy, I so need to get you on YouTube. You're just fucking classic!" Emmett was laughing raucously and wiped tears from his eyes. I gasped to get my breath.

The first section we arrived in was personal care. I quickly spoke with the chemist to see if they had my prescription shampoo and relaxed when I realized that they did indeed stock it. Next I grabbed a pack of bar soap.

"No, no, no, my man." Emmett reached in and took my bar soap from me. "This is for pussies. You need manly body wash." He grabbed a black bottle from another shelf and tossed it toward me. I tried to catch it, but it slipped through my fingers and bounced off the tiled floor.

Bending down to pick it up I read the name of the large bottle. "Axe?" I looked curiously at Emmett.

"Yeah dude, women cream themselves over it." He patted my shoulder roughly as he tossed in a couple of bottles of hand sanitizer in the cart. "Trust me."

"But I have very sensitive skin and—"

Emmett cut me off. "Danny boy, trust me, okay?"

I sighed and nodded. "Okay." Emmett took the bottle from my hand and put it in the cart.

We walked down a few more aisles and I saw some earplugs. I grabbed them quickly and tossed them in.

"What do you need those for? We've got the 'quiet floor'." I didn't know how well he would take it if I told him that they were for his snoring, so I just kept my mouth shut and left the earplugs in the cart.

Emmett continued to guide us through the store looking for power adapters, which led us into the kitchen section.

"Danny boy, look," Emmett exclaimed with a slap to my chest, "it's an electric tea kettle." He picked up the box underneath the display and put it in the cart.

"But I brought my kettle with me." I furrowed my brow and pushed my glasses further up my nose.

"And where are do you think you are going to heat it up on? We don't have stoves." He chuckled.

"Oh, right." I blushed. "I can still use my Foreman grill though, right?"

Emmett turned to look at me. "You have a George Foreman grill?" I nodded.

"What size?" He asked.

I measured out the size of the two serving grill that I had brought.

"That won't be nearly big enough to feed me," he guffawed with a wide smile. "No one eats as much meat as I do." He boasted and pulled the cart for me to follow along.

When we stopped there was a massive black grill on display. I couldn't speak; it was the biggest Foreman grill I had ever seen. Emmett grabbed a box and put it in our cart as well. "Now that's more like it!" He puffed out his chest proudly.

"Yes, yes it is." I smiled and nodded with excitement.

"Ooooh, we can use one of these too." Emmett grabbed another box and placed it in the cart. "We totally need a crock pot. I get a little nervous about eating the dorm food, so the more 'room cooked' food the better. Besides, everything you ever need to cook can be made in either a crock pot for George Foreman grill. We are set, man."

I watched as Emmett's eyes focused on something else. I followed his gaze. "Grab that." He motioned with his head.

"What is this?" I tried to read the packaging, but Emmett answered before I could read it.

"A meat thermometer. You can't be too cautious when it comes to salmonella." He grabbed the device from my hands and put it in the cart. "Okay, now we need to head over to the men's section."

I followed along quietly. We passed the shoe section and I grabbed some flip flops as Emmett had instructed earlier today.

"Okay Danny-boy, we _have_ to get you out of those white, old man boxers."

I froze solid. _Emmett has noticed the type of underwear I wear. _

"Not that I was checking you out or anything." He must have seen my face. "Oh you need these." He tossed a pack of Union Jack boxer briefs.

I examined the hanging underpants. "I will look ridiculous in these." I shoved the hanger back on the rack.

"When the chicks unzip your pants and see those, they will go wild, dude. Trust me! And they wrap up your family jewels all nice and snug." My eyes were drawn to his crotch as he grabbed. Visions of naked Emmett and The Cobra popped into my head. I quickly diverted my attention back to the package. "They will help accentuate your body." He put his hands up in defense. "Not that I've been looking."

I threw them in the cart.

Looking over again I saw another package with fruit on it. The package stated that it was Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs. "Here, these are at least on sale." I tossed them into the cart too.

As Emmett perused the underwear selection my mind drifted to the thought of a particular bum of a particular lady.

_I wonder what would look better on her. A thong that slipped between her healthy back side, perhaps those underwear that let a small peek of her cheeks plump out under them, or maybe just plain and innocent cotton underwear._ The stirring of an erection started to develop and I had to quickly think of something else. _Emmett's king cobra shifting around as he talked about his sex dream. _That did it. _Whew._

"Hello? Danny boy?" Emmett was waving his hand in my face.

I cleared my throat. "Oh sorry. I was just thinking."

Emmett chuckled. "I'm starving. Let's head up to the food court."

"Sure, oh wait, I wanted to find some blue jeans." I began to look around for my desired section.

"Dude, just call them jeans." He nodded at me. "Over there. I'm gonna grab something to eat. I'll be back."

"Right then," I saluted him and pushed the cart to the section that had blue jeans.

I found a couple different styles and colors of jeans on sale, so I slipped into a changing room to try them on.

After undressing and getting myself into the new jeans I looked myself over in the full length mirror. I sighed. _Why would a beautiful and voluptuous woman such as Bella have any interest in me?_ Reflected back in the mirror was a tall, gangly pasty bloke who had too much body hair and was awfully soft in all the wrong places. I poked a finger into my soft stomach and thought about Emmett's toned abdominal muscles. _I think I'm getting a bit of a pot belly._ _I'm an undesirable monster that will never fit in with blokes like Emmett._

I felt the tears start to form in my eyes.

"Danny boy, are you jerking off in there?" Emmett's loud question and knocking snapped me out of my self pity. "It's taking you forever. I've almost finished my nachos."

I quickly wiped away the one tear that escaped. "Of course not Emmett, don't be ridiculous." I snapped and instantly felt bad. I hadn't meant to sound so rude.

"Hey, I wouldn't blame you if you were. Ain't nothing wrong with some self lovin', especially when you have to share a fucking room. Not that you aren't totally cool, but I sure as fuck can't just shoot off a load with you in the bunk above me, now can I?" I heard him groan as I quickly changed back into my clothes. "Man it's been like four days, fuck! Alice is always around and Rose slept over every night before you got here wanting to fucking _spoon_ with me. What kind of guy wants to spoon all the time?" He exclaimed with a heavy sigh.

_I wouldn't mind spooning with Bella. Her round plump back side pressed against my—_

"Then she fucking doesn't tell me that she is on the rag until my fingers run into Mr. Tampon. That shit was fucking gross." His words sounded muffled and when I opened the dressing room door I could see he was swallowing a mouthful of nachos. "Nacho?" He held out the plastic container that had three chips left.

"Um, no thank you."

He shrugged. "More for me." He shoved the last three chips into his mouth.

"Emmett, I will be sure to give you plenty of _alone time_." I looked at him and Emmett seemed to furrow his brow as he looked at my face examining it. I quickly turned my face, hoping that he hadn't realized I had been crying.

"Hey may, it's no problem. Really." He patted my back softer than he had before. "You all done?"

I nodded.

"Cool, let's head over to get some meat." He motioned with his head. "You getting those jeans?"

I shook my head. "They don't suit me very well."

"Bullshit," he exclaimed and grabbed the jeans. "I'm sure they look fucking awesome and make your ass spectacular." He threw the jeans into the cart. "Not that I will be looking."

"Perhaps we could grab some chocolate along the way as well." I stated as I stepped behind the cart and began pushing behind Emmett. I was sure that my overly emotional behavior was due to jet lag and lack of proper nutrition.

Once we had made our selections of meat we headed back toward the food counter. The girls were sitting at a table sipping on drinks, eating pizza, and giggling. As we parked our cart next to theirs I couldn't help but notice the packages of multicolored cotton underwear and feminine hygiene products. I wanted look more into the mystery of the girls' purchases, but I didn't have a chance. Emmett grabbed my arm and tugged me along toward the counter.

"Do any of you fine ass ladies need anything?" Emmett looked around at the girls.

Rose rolled her eyes. Alice giggled.

"Get me a hotdog, please Em." Bella asked sweetly.

"Of course, my dear." He bowed to her and then continued to tug me with him to the counter.

Emmett ordered a hotdog with mustard and onion, which I assumed was Bella's. A small twinge of jealousy hit me that he knew how she ate her food and I did not. Then he ordered three slices of pizza and a large drink.

He turned to me. "What do you want?"

"I will, uh, just a plain hotdog will be fine."

We were served our food on two trays and carried them over to the table.

"Here is your wiener." Emmett chuckled out as he handed Bella her hotdog.

"What are you ten?" Rose rolled her eyes as she asked him.

"Thanks Em." Bella smiled and took her hotdog.

"And a wiener for Danny boy."

"Yeah, um, thanks." I sat down at the table next to the girls.

From where I sat I could see a sliver of the smooth, pale white skin of Bella's lower back. Then she took a bite of her hotdog and moaned. My hand was immediately in my hair and I was trying to think of anything to will away my growing erection.

I thought that I was succeeding until Emmett goaded Bella.

"You seem to be really happy with a wiener in your mouth." He took a bite of pizza.

She moaned again, this time it was louder. I needed a restroom immediately. I stood quickly and located the men's room sign.

"Where you going?" Emmett yelled after me.

"I'll be right back." I didn't even turn around.

Once I got into a stall I leaned my head against the cool metal door and took some deep breaths; trying to calm myself. It wasn't working. All I could hear was her moan, all I could see was her back side, and all I could feel was the throbbing of my erection. The pressure was too much and I palmed myself through my pants.

"Oh god," I groaned out quietly into the back of my hand.

I realized that nothing was going to help except the inevitable. Unzipping my pants I felt embarrassed for a small moment, but as soon as I had my penis firmly in my grasp that feeling was eliminated. I stroked myself as I let the images of Bella and her hotdog with mustard and onions and the sounds of her moans fill my mind. The force of my ejaculation caused me to bite into the back of my hand to stifle my grunting.

Quickly washing up, I headed back out to the food counter. I was a little disappointed that the girls were gone. Em was seated at the same table, still eating pizza; though he had a different drink, a 'Slurpee'.

"That took awhile." Emmett stated with his mouthful.

"Oh, yes, um, tummy trouble. Jet lag, you know?" I sat down quietly.

"You washed your hands right?" He stopped everything that he was doing and eyed me speculatively.

"Yes, of course." Then I smiled and he looked at me weirdly. "I also grabbed this out of the cart and used it." I held up the hand sanitizer that he had tossed into the cart earlier. _I wonder if Emmett has been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder._

"Good," he smiled broadly. "The girls are waiting at the checkout. I told them to go ahead. They have more shit than we do." He shook his head as he stood up. "Chicks!"

When we reach the check out the girls are still in line.

Emmett nudged me with his elbow. "See, told you." He nodded to all of their items.

I focused quickly on the little black tank top and underwear set that was hanging over Bella's arm. Swallowing hard I was going to attempt to speak to her.

"Danny boy, they have Pepto over here!" Emmett shouted from the other end of the line. I hadn't even seen him walk off. "You should get some for that tummy trouble you're having."

I could feel everyone's eyes on me, and I dropped my head and any intentions of speaking to Bella.

"How's your tummy?" Alice asked me quietly once we were back in the car.

"Fine, it was just a little upset." I felt my face heat up._ Is it medically possible to die from embarrassment?_

Bella, Rose, and Alice dropped Emmett and I off at our dorm entrance with all of our bags. After a slap on my bum from someone and a quick goodbye I hurried into the dorm.

"Slow down Danny-boy! Where's the fire?" Emmett called after me with a loud laugh.

I unlocked the door to the room and placed the bags on the floor. Emmett entered a few moments later and placed the bags that he carried on the floor. He had been able to carry about triple what I could. I sighed.

"You alright?" Emmett raised one eyebrow at me in curiosity.

I simply nodded and sat in his recliner chair. There was a knock at the door.

"I got it." Emmett pulled the door open.

In walked a tall, lean dark haired guy. He had on tight black pants and a black button up shirt, though he had it unbuttoned with his chest showing.

"Hello, I'm Carlisle your Resident Advisor."

_Was everyone in America this well built? I'll never stand a chance with Bella._

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	5. Barbeque

**A/N We don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. We are just having a little pervy fun with the characters. OK maybe a lot of pervy fun with the characters.**

**Remember, this fic is rated M for a very good reason. You know you love it! **

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Chapter 4 - Barbeque

Theme Song - Close to Me by The Cure

"Hi!" we said in unison.

"So, I thought I would come by and introduce myself and make sure you are settled in alright." He entered our room and looked around appraisingly.

"Hi, I'm Emmett." He reached over to shake Carlisle's hand. "I got here on Thursday, Danny Boy here showed up from England yesterday. We just got back from the bookstore and Target." Emmett motioned to the bags that were currently piled up at my feet.

It took me a moment to pull myself out of the large recliner, but got up and shook Carlisle's hand. "Hello," I quietly said as I adjusted my glasses. Feeling intimidated, I sat back down again.

"Riiiight," Carlisle looked at me with one raised eyebrow and then started in. "So let me tell you a bit about my floor. You probably don't know this but you boys were hand selected by me."

In unison again... "What?" We looked at each other for answers. _Why would he select me of all people to live on his floor?_

"You see, I have been here at the U for about 8 years." We must have looked perplexed because he added, "Yeah I know, I am in absolutely no hurry to graduate." _I'll say he looked about 30 years old._

Emmett interrupted, "We _are_ on a quiet floor, right?"

Carlisle smiled and replied, "Well yeah you are, more or less. Most of us are pretty quiet; most of the time. Everyone other than me takes academics pretty seriously. This ain't no community college, it is just that we like to have fun and I like pussy. I like all pussy but I am especially fond of 18-20 year old experimental and bi-curious pussy. During the week most people are quiet enough for studying, not that I do much of it. On the weekends though, we like to have a good time. My floor is known as the best party floor in the entire UW dorm system."

_Oh no_, I thought to myself. Emmett's smile was huge as Carlisle continued.

"This is advertised as a quiet floor so that students can convince their parents to let them keep living here. I'm Housing and Food Services top RA because although most students leave the dorms by the end of the second year, students on his floor stay for 3-4. I am even a licensed minister through the Universal Life Church and, before you ask, yes I am legally allowed to perform wedding ceremonies. You know Amy, the nice rack and long legs down the hall? Her father is pretty religious so she told him I was a minister and so he lets her stay. God, if he only knew what is precious little girl was into…" Carlisle seemed to get lost in thought for a moment, but quickly recovered. "So anyway, as students graduate I hand select the newbies each year."

"And how were we handpicked?" I asked, perplexed.

"Well yeah... I have to select an equal number of men and women. For women, I'm particularly fond of nursing students and communications majors. For men, I aim for the geeks and gays. It's less competition for me, so I look for little clues, you know. For example, Emmett your double major in electrical engineering and computer science told me you had a high likely hood of being a complete dweeb and you, Daniel, well you have that avatar picture of you on your email in a rainbow sweater so I figured you had a high probability of being gay....and a dweeb." I didn't know what to think.

"No offense though, man!" he tried to quickly recover. "I see from that vagina poster and that intriguing display of books that you may not be? Whatever it's cool. Eric down the hall and his life partner, Tyler, were a dead giveaway since their emails were both from GayMail." He shrugged with a laugh.

"Don't get me wrong. I love the gays and I wholeheartedly welcome them to my floor." He slapped his hands together and lowered his voice. "Hot chicks follow them around dancing at parties, getting all horny...and guess who is there to give them what they need at the end of the night?" He pointed to himself and answered his own question "Daddy C!"

_Holly hell! Were all Americans this oversexed?_ I had to admit to myself though that the thought of sexually aroused women running around on my floor with few mating choices did sound rather pleasant.

Carlisle continued talking. "I feel like we are all adults here. So I turn a blind eye to alcohol at open door parties and stay out of everyone's business and I assure you that I won't be having educational movie nights about eating disorders. Oh, if the lights go on and off three times that means to hide your alcohol and close your doors the cops have been called. Cool? Cool!"

"Sounds good," Emmett beamed.

"Just to let you know...I am required to get a UW van and take anyone who wants to go on a couple 'field trips' each quarter. Believe me boys there will be no trips to paint ceramics or lame shit like that, but...uh...look if you don't think this floor is for you, just let me know and I will gladly help you move to another floor. Really McCarty hall is known as a geek dorm anyways and the whole place stays pretty quiet most of the time. If you want to have fun though, stick around!"

He started to leave but then he turned around. "Oh, I am having a little party tomorrow night in my apartment to celebrate the first day of class. Hope you boys can join us. Feel free to bring any friends of the female persuasion." He winked at us once before walking out the door.

Carlisle looked to the side with a big smile. "Hello ladies!" he said as I saw Amy and Tina walk passed the still open door..

After Carlisle left, Emmett and I just stared at each other. "Was that normal?" I asked. Emmett shrugged

"Uh...I don't know. I have been here 2 days longer than you have, but he seems cool." he immediately grinned. "Hey our first college party! Whoooo hoooooo!"

I groaned knowing I would never fit in. _Just concentrate on your studies Daniel._ "Maybe I'll just go to the library and study."

"Oh hell no, not on our first day. You don't need to study for the first couple of weeks. Besides, this is college man. You gotta have some fun, mingle with the honeys, experience new shit and drink some beer!" Emmett walked toward me with a large smiled and smacked me on my shoulder.

I grimaced at the force and leaned back into the chair. "I suppose you have a point." A beer did sound good. I had almost forgotten about the ridiculous legal drinking age in this country.

"That's the spirit, Danny boy!" Thank god I was still sitting back in the chair so he couldn't slap by back again. Instead he came over and messed up my hair.

Emmett looked all excited as a thought came into his head. "Hey, do you like deep or shiatsu?"

"I beg your pardon?" I asked. _Oh god, what was he talking about now?_

"I bet you like it deep. I will give it to you deep. I bet you like hot buns too. Here lay back," he said with enthusiasm.

The next think I knew, my feet were up, the chair was massaging my back and my bum was getting very, very warm. It was heavenly and I finally started to relax. Other than the times I brought myself to pleasure I didn't think I had ever felt so physically good. I wanted to melt into the comfortable chair.

"Thanks Emmett." I smiled and pushed my glasses back up my nose. "This chair is truly amazing. Shall we watch some television?" I was in the mood to watch some of my favorite programs. Maybe Jerry Springer or Dr. Phil would be on the Telly. I couldn't wait to see Tyra on the 56 inch flat screen.

"Here's the remote." Emmett said as he tossed something at me which I of course hit me between my eyes and knocked my glasses off. "Oops! Sorry dude. I'm just gonna head down to the convenience store and grab a couple things I forgot at Target."

"Oh I should come with you so I know where it is," I said as I rubbed the spot that the remote had hit me and readjusted my glasses.

"No biggie man, it is just downstairs. You sit tight and relax, I know you're tired and haven't been feeling well."

"Sure, thanks." I smiled. _If he only really knew what I had been feeling._

Just before leaving he grabbed the tea kettle. Moments later he walked back in, plugged in the kettle that was now full of water and left again.

I settled in and started watching an old episode of Land of the Lost. That show had the worst special effects I have ever seen yet I was completely mesmerized. _Oh come on! Everyone knows that the raptoid dinosaurs did not drag their tails on the ground._

When Emmett came back this time, he pulled out some items from a plain paper sack: container of honey shaped like a bear and a box of tea. He then proceeded to fix himself a cup of tea and squirted in some of the honey, stirring it around. It looked so good I puckered my lips. Just as I was about to get up to make a cup for myself, Emmett held up a hand to stop me and handed me the cup along with a box of "Teddy Grahams", a spoon, and some little containers of tapioca pudding.

I smiled and thanked him. I must have looked puzzled because Emmett quickly said "I could see you still weren't feeling well. When I was sick and nauseated, Mama always made me hot sweet tea, crackers and fish-eye pudding. _Bon appétit_!"

"Really, Emmett this is so kind of you. Make sure you have some too" I said as I watched him grab some of the 'fish eye' pudding containers and the box of teddy bear crackers.

"God, these are good aren't they?" I said and he just laughed in response. Emmett lay down on his bunk and we sat there for a while longer enjoying the snacks and _Land of the Lost_.

After three episodes Alice, Rose and Bella dropped by our room.

"Hey guys!" Bella greeted us. "Oh I love this show" she stood with her bum directly in my line of sight staring at the giant screen, eyes full of enthusiasm. _Could it be that this full-figured goddess loves bad science fiction?_ My penis stirred.

My brain lit up with thoughts and visions of Bella, but my thoughts were interrupted by Alice.

"Oh don't you look all cute and English just laying in the recliner with your cup of tea!" Alice squealed and before I knew it she jumped on my lap. I quickly set my half cup of tea on the floor next to the chair. When I looked back to her, she flipped yet another switch on the black box. _OH MY GOD, she actually set it to vibrate_. With the deep massaging on my back, the penetrating heat on my bum, Alice's buttocks vibrating against my rousing penis and the vision of Bella in her tight jeans, I couldn't stifle my moans.

My groan caught Alice's attention.

"Oh poor Daniel, is your diarrhea acting up again?" Alice said as started rubbing my tummy. She then reached over me and grabbed the bottle of pink medicine. Once the cap was removed, she forced it in my mouth for me to swallow.

_Kill me now, God, please. Just smite me with lightening._ Well, at least my erection deflated. Although somehow I didn't think Alice would have minded my hardened member pressing against her.

"Oh he's fine I've been nursing him back to health." Emmett proudly explained.

I nodded my head in agreement as I pushed the bottle away from my lips. "Really, I'm fine." I assured her as I pulled Alice's hand off my soft tummy.

Bella looked at me and smiled. "I'm so glad to hear that, Daniel."

_Oh, oh, oh she just said my name!_ I was beaming with joy. I knew it wasn't very scientific but I tried to use mental telepathy to inform her of my romantic interest. I just needed to get Alice off my lap even though it did feel soooo nice.

"Thank you Bella." I tried to be chivalrous even with Alice vibrating on top of me. "Would you like to sit down?" I said to Bella as I pushed Alice easily from my lap and stood up. Alice quickly sat back down into the chair. Rose had already gotten comfortable in the bunk with Emmett. I envied the way they looked so comfortable wrapped up and kissing each other. I couldn't help but imagine watching the Telly with beautiful Bella on my lap. Her additional weight would make us sink further down into the chair. Her thick thighs would vibrate against my skinny legs and her lush bum would be pressing down against my steel erection.

Bella plopped her bubblicious behind down on my desk chair and they all started talking about their class schedules. I was elated to find out that I would share both a calculus class with Emmett and biology lecture with Bella. If I was lucky, perhaps we would also be in the same laboratory section. I wanted to so baldy to ask her about that but I was afraid to impose myself on her. Bella was also taking French and I imagined that she sounded so sensual when she spoke it. Alice and Rose were both in the same art classes. I was so envious when I found out that all four of them shared an English class. I wasn't sure if I could change my schedule or if they would even want me in there. God, I was starting to become presumptuous and needy.

I excused myself to use the facilities. Knowing how I often didn't fit in with my peers, I knew I needed to be careful that I didn't become some sort of barnacle they couldn't pry away.

After using the facilities I walked back in I heard them discussing their cellular phones.

Emmett asked as soon as I entered the room. "So, do you have a cell phone, Danny-boy?"

"Oh no," I shook my head. Then with a shrug I continued. "I wasn't planning on purchasing one. I can just email my parents." _I certainly didn't want to speak with them any time soon._

I was still standing in the doorway when Rose jumped into the conversation. "Daniel, you need one so you can stay in touch with your friends!" Alice was still vibrating in the recliner and nodding her head in agreement.

Bella chimed in, "Look if money is a factor, you can just go in on a family plan with all of us." She motioned around the room to everyone. "It is way cheaper that way and they will give you a free phone." Her smile was like the sun had emerged from a dreary overcast day in England.

"You get free evenings, weekends, and the calls between all of us will be free too." Emmett added.

There was no way I would say no. Not to Bella. Not even if she had just asked me to eat a rodent. The fact they wanted me in on their family plan made my heart swell. _Don't get too close Daniel. Oh shut up_, I replied to myself. _It is time to listen to your t-shirt…_Carpe diem!

"That sounds great!" I smiled as I pushed my glasses up my nose.

"Cool," Emmett exclaimed. "I'm hungry again. I'm makin' some dinner," Emmett stated as he climbed out of Rose's arms and his bunk. He walked across the room to the small refrigerator in our room and proceeded to pull out some steaks along with a huge bottle of BBQ sauce. Emmett looked right at me and winked, "Costco, baby!"

"Oh yeah smother that meat with your sauce, Em." Bella licked her lips. _I had to get some fresh air._

"Why don't I go get us all some veggies from the cafeteria?" I offered and turned back out of the door.

"They have a great salad bar." Rose called out to me.

"What! No way am I eating that stuff! Do you know what's been found in foods that are laid out like that?" Emmett shouted in horror.

It took some convincing but I managed to reassure Emmet that the university had an entire environmental health department and they were sure to take food safety for their students a number one priority.

"Yeah?" he asked with hesitance and insecurity.

"Yeah," I smiled. "Plus raw green vegetables are great for removing toxins form the body and I know how much you love your body." I added to reassure him.

"That's true. You got some of the Pepto left over? You know, just in case?" he inquired.

I laughed and pointed to the mostly full container.

Alice and Rose each took an arm and wrapped elbows with me to come along to pick up the salads. Bella had decided to stay with Emmett to help him with his meat.

When we arrived back, the smell of barbequed steaks cooking on the George Forman grill was filling the hallway. Just as we were about to have a lovely dinner of steak and salad, Carlisle showed up again.

"Hello ladies!" he said as he looked around the room. "You know it's against the rules to have a George Foreman Grill in your rooms. You should use that down in the kitchenette but I'll let it slide if you let me a taste your meat."

With a free steak, Carlisle left us alone again.

Dinner was heavenly and Emmett really knew how to work a grill. Between eating and watching Bella, I didn't say much. No one did really. We were all like cows chewing their cud in a field and every now and then one of the heifers would moo. Watching Bella lick the creamy ranch dressing off her lips was so arousing. I tried not to stare but it was hard when she would chew and smile. I could just imagine that sweet mouth working my...

"So, Daniel, how is your first taste of American barbeque?" Emmett nudged my arm as he questioned me. This resulted in my fork clanging against my plate loudly.

"It's very tasty meat Emmett." I smiled and returned to the remainder of my meal.

After dinner the girls all decided to go back to their dorm room and get a good night's sleep, so they'd be ready for the first day of university. I thought that was very sensible and decided to do the same. Although Emmett had agreed that an early night was smart, he continued to talk even after we climbed into bed.

"So Daniel, you wanna come work out with me tomorrow after class?" I felt him bump his fist against the underside of my bed.

I cleared my throat nervously. "Oh working out is not really my thing, Emmett."

"Oh come on, gym membership at the IMA is included with your tuition plus you have to do something physical to help alleviate all the tension you seem to be carrying." His tone was pleading.

I could think of a few things I'd like to do to relieve my tension.

"Um well, maybe sometime this week." I thought that would placate him for now until I could come up with something more permanent.

"Hey you wanna be on a soccer team together, you know just intramural games for fun?" Emmett sounded so enthusiastic.

Visions of being picked last for every football game I every tried to join on the playground went through my head. The last time I played I was fifteen and they had made me goalie to even the teams and keep me out of the way. Every ball that was kicked in my direction went past and at the end of the game, someone punched me in the back of the head.

I shuddered at the end of the memory.

"Trust me Emmett you don't want me on your team. I'm not fit and I have no coordination whatsoever." I nervously laughed.

"Oh come on man, we can kick the ball around together and I can give you some pointers. It would be so much more fun to play with a friend on the team." I felt the same thump from underneath my bunk again.

"Um, well alright. I suppose I'll give it a try." How could I say no? Emmett really did seem to enjoy having me around and being my friend.

A smile broke out across my lips as I heard Emmett's snores started up. I pulled out the earplugs that I had hidden under my pillow and shoved them into my ears.

Tomorrow was the next day of my new life and my first true day at the University.

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**A/N: We are having so much fun and we so appreciate all your support. We are aware that the pacing is a little slow so far but we are going to be picking it up soon. We felt that Daniel, as a new character in the Twilight world (and just starting university) needed some extra background information.**

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**Extra special thanks to the h00rs at the official Twilighted thread for Daniel Gale: Cumming to America. Stop on by because everyone there is so friendly and you will be in no short supply of Daniel Gale, Rpattz, or Kellan p0rn...or p0rn on general. **

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	6. Well Hello Erection

**A/N We don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. We are just having a little pervy fun with the characters. OK maybe a lot of pervy fun with the characters.**

**Remember, this fic is rated M for a very good reason. That's why you are here isn't it?

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Chapter 5 – Well hello erection

Theme song - Fat Bottom Girls by Queen

"Wake up, Danny Boy. It's our first day of college!" I groaned in response. Usually I am a morning person but between the jetlag and Emmett's snoring I didn't get enough sleep. The earplugs helped somewhat but that boy could shake the bunks.

I put on my glasses and blinked a few times to get Emmett's smiling face in focus. "I'm up." I smiled.

"Let's go take a shower together before class." I was disturbed by this statement but I wasn't sure exactly why.

"Yeah, let me gather my towel and shower caddy."

"Don't forget your flip flops," he warned and pointed to them.

As expected, Emmett was not shy about his body. While I walked in my pajamas, Emmett strolled proudly down the hall in his boxer briefs with his towel wrapped around his neck and smiled to all the ladies.

"Nice jammies, Daniel" Tina purred to me as she came out of the Women's bathroom. She was wrapped in a large white bathrobe, but the tie around her waist was loose enough that her bosoms were only half covered.

"Good morning Tina" I said quietly as I ducked into the Men's room while mentally chanting to '_do not get an erection'_.

Emmett followed behind with a loud, "Hot stuff coming though!" To which Eric and Tyler's faces lit up like Christmas trees.

After showering, in separate stalls, and completing our morning bathroom routines we headed back into our room to finish getting ready before breakfast. I veiled myself in the corner to change. I had wanted to wear something to express the excitement of my first day of university, so I quickly put on my familiar and cheerful Hawaiian shirt, skinny jeans and combat-style boots.

The breakfast selection was impressive. I settled on poached eggs and toast while Emmett ate three doughnuts, cold cereal and yogurt. While eating I could tell that Emmett was eyeing my eggs with suspicion.

"Don't worry I will be fine." I reassured him. Perhaps by seeing me eat and stay well his fears would eventually subside.

We were shocked as we entered our Calculuslecture. I was not at all prepared to sit in a lecture hall of 200 students for a math class. I lead us toward the front middle area and prepared my pencils and paper for the lecture to begin. Emmett pulled out his chewed up Care Bears pencil. I smiled and looked over at him.

"I borrowed it from Rosalie, besides I'm manly enough to handle using a chick pencil." He proudly smiled.

"Don't you need a rubber?" I asked...apparently too loudly. I heard people around us giggle.

"Dude, what?" Emmett had one eyebrow raised at me and a weird expression on his face.

"You know, in case you need to erase something. You can borrow mine if you want. Here." I reached down and handed him my extra.

"I've used this rubber a couple of times but it won't rip-" I was quickly interrupted.

"Oh, shit man we call that an e-ras-er!" he said even louder and slowly as if I didn't understand English.

He whispered. "Danny boy, a rubber over here means a condom."

I was so mortified, so I hunched over keeping my concentration on the lecture and taking thorough notes. Emmett took some notes but spent most of his time looking around the room, smiling at girls, and drawing dirty pictures. He had quite the active imagination and a very good memory of what the female vagina looked like. Underneath his 'masterpiece' he wrote "Rosalie" then elbowed me to take a look. I quickly looked away and turned purple with embarrassment when I realized who I was looking at. He must have spent hours getting well acquainted with her feminine areas.

Emmett had to rush to another building after calculus for his next class. I pulled out my school map and had my nose buried in the directions when I bumped into someone.

"Oh bollocks, I am so sorry." I blurted and then froze; before me stood Bella with a large smile and look of amusement on her face.

"Having a rough time finding your next class?" She politely smiled and motioned to the school map that I had dropped onto the floor.

"Uh, um, I'm just not very familiar with the campus yet." I quickly bent down to pick up the map. On my ascent, I realized that I had an unbelievable view of her bum.

"Daniel?"

I shook my head and straightened myself up. "Yes?" _Please don't let her realize that I was staring at her backside._

"You have Biology next right?" I nodded. "Good, you can walk with us."

"Uh, um, us?"

"My roommate also has Bio."

"Bella!"

We both turned around as a very boney, overly tanned girl hurried toward us. She quickly slipped her arm around Bella's and started pulling her away from me. Bella looked over her shoulder and motioned for me to follow them. I did, but I kept my distance from her and her roommate.

Entering the Biology lecture hall I was once again surprised by the number of students. It had to be at least two hundred students in here as well.

Bella caught my attention, as always. She was slipping into the third row. Her back was too me and her bum grazed the tops of the chairs as she slid toward a seat in the center. _God, what I wouldn't give to be the chair that she sat on._ I shook off my thoughts before certain things started to make their presence known to others.

As I climbed the steps in search of a seat, I noticed that there was a spot directly behind Bella. I hurried through the fourth row, having to stop once to apologize for accidentally hitting a ginger hair girl with my messenger bag. Once I sat down, Bella turned around and smiled kindly at me before turning her direction back to the front. My whole body heated up.

I couldn't keep my attention on the class or the lecture. For most of the class I watched Bella. She paid very close attention, even when her roommate was writing notes to her or distract her. Bella's studious nature wasn't the only thing that caught my eye.

At one point in the lecture Bella had shifted her seated position. It was at that moment that the world around me ceased to exist. I couldn't stop staring at her now much more visible ass and those beautiful round love handles that spilled so gently over the waist band of her low rider jeans. _Thank you whoever made low rider jeans the 'it' thing for girls._ I believed that American's called this a muffin top. _Ahh…muffin top, the most delicious part of the muffin. _I licked my lips and was lost in her muffin until a departing student bumped into my chair as they passed behind me.

The rest of the day passed by with my thoughts constantly drifting back to Bella and a few times I had to duck into a restroom and calm myself down.

Once classes were finished for the day, Emmett and I met up for dinner. We had simply gone down to the cafeteria and grabbed something to eat. On our way back to our room I was discussing my latest book of interest, 'The Naked Woman: A Study of the Female Body,' when I realized that Emmett had stopped walking. I looked back at him quickly and saw that he was wearing a sly smile and his jaw was tightened.

Following his gaze I saw the girl that he had called Shortcake on my first day. She was wearing a tight t-shirt and pajama bottoms that had little red lips all over them. Emmett's voice brought my attention back to him.

"Dude, I'd so hit that." He looked at me just as my eyes widened at him. "As long as Rose said it was okay, of course." His attention turned back to Shortcake. "I want to kiss every pair of lips on those pants."

I shook my head with a smile. Emmett was clearly infatuated with the lovely young lady.

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I was reading the final chapters of my newest reading material when I heard the thumping of music. Internally I groaned. _ I had forgotten about the party tonight._

Emmett burst through the door. "Come on man! The par-tay is starting!" He yanked the book from my hand, glancing at the cover. "Nice!" He held up the book with a large smile before he tossed it to my desk.

"Um, Em, you know, I'm kind of tired and…"

He cut me off. "Oh fuck no Danny boy! Get your ass in gear, right this moment." He grabbed my shoulder and pulled my out of my desk chair.

"Perhaps I should change my clothing" It came out more of a question, instead of a statement.

Emmett looked me over. "You look great!" He wrapped his muscular arm over my shoulders. "We are going to get you some pussy tonight my brother."

I swallowed roughly at his statement and let him guide me down the hall. _As if I could ever stop Emmett from doing anything._

The music volume increased as we reached the end of the hallway and Emmett dropped his arm from my shoulders. _Whew, it felt like a fifty pounds had been taken off of me._ There was a large sign against the wall 'Welcum New Students!' I bit my lip, took a deep breath, and followed Emmett through Carlisle's door.

Carlisle's 'apartment' was really just an extra large room that he didn't have to share, unless he wanted to. I scanned the party and spotted Carlisle. He was talking with Tina, and they were close enough that he had his index finger wrapped around the loop of her jeans.

Further glancing brought me the sight of Amy and Rosalie grinding with the music against each other. In another corner I spotted where Emmett had gone off to. He was getting quite friendly with Shortcake.

Everyone was nice enough, but my introverted personality started taking over and I was about to head back to my room. Suddenly I felt a heavy tap on my shoulder and I turned around. I was greeted by Eric and Tyler. They were both very friendly and we conversed for a little while. After the conversation had pretty much died between the three of us, I said my goodbyes. But not before promising to join them for BINGO sometime.

When I reached my dorm room door I sighed in relief. I couldn't wait to get back into my bed and get some sleep. However, once I got the door opened I saw Shortcake giggling face down on my bunk. Her top half was resting on my duvet while her knees were bent with her ankles resting on Emmett's shoulders. Emmett's face was between her thighs and I was simultaneously shocked, intrigued, and _Ta-da!_ I had an erection.

I shut the door as fast as I could but Emmett's muffled voice came through.

"Need about thirty minutes, Dude!" It was followed by another giggle from Shortcake. I started to feel extremely jealous of Emmett.

The jealousy was cut short when Rosalie appeared next to me. I panicked for a second, knowing that I needed to keep her out of there.

"Hey Daniel," she purred. "Are Em and Shortcake in there?" A large smile spread on her face. "Are you going to join us?" Her hands slid over my chest.

"Ummm" was all I could say. A muffled moan drifted through the door.

Rosalie stepped back from me. "Those fuckers started with me didn't they?"

"Uh, um, yeah I think that they may have." Before I completely finished speaking, she barged into the room and shut the door.

I heard a muffled yet cheerful "Hey baby!"

_Ahh…the jealousy has returned along with my erection._

The thirty minutes had turned into an hour, not to mention that I had to listen to both Rose and Emmett snore throughout the night. So, Tuesday, I was dragging through my classes. I didn't have a class with Bella yet today, but was thrilled to see her walking through the building with her roommate after my last lecture.

"I only eat chicken breast without the skin. I don't want to eat any fat. Gross!" I over heard her orange-hued roommate state as I got closer to them.

"Uh huh," Bella responded, but she seemed to not really be paying much attention to was the girl was saying to her.

With one large stride I moved up to Bella's side. "I quite like cooking on my George Foreman grill. It also reduces the fat in my meat. It's a very healthy way to cook."

I got extremely nervous as both of them stopped walking and just stared at me.

"What do you want?" Bella's roommate snapped at me. "Who are you anyways?" She added rudely.

"Oh," I repositioned my glasses on my nose, "I was just pretending to be a part of your conversation." I half smiled.

Bella's roommate sneered at me with a look of horror. "Yeah, well we don't know you, so why don't you just fu—"

Bella cut her off from finishing her sentence. "Hi Daniel." _Her smile is like the sun._ She turned back to her roommate. "I like eating Daniel's meat." Bella looked back at me with a wink. I instantly felt my erection against the metal of my zipper. _Oh god._ Moving my messenger bag to cover my private area, I took off toward the closest Men's room.

Once inside I tried to calm myself, but nothing helped. Images of Emmett with his head between Shortcake's thighs and Bella's muffin top filled my head. There was also the fact that Bella stating that she liked to 'eat my meat' was on replay in my head. Soon I had Bella face down on my bunk and my head between her luscious thighs while digging my fingers into her fleshy bum. Of course it was all in my head, as I vigorously stroked my own penis in the Men's room before my next class.

My little side trip caused me to be a bit late to my lab section. However, seeing Bella standing in the room excited me and the smile she gave me filled me with elation.

I typically prefer to sit in the front of the room, but most of the tables had been taken so I grabbed one of the open tables. Disappointment started to settle in when I realized that Bella had probably already partnered up with her roommate. It also dawned on me that I will most likely be working alone.

With a heavy sigh, I pulled out my pencils from my bag. The screech of the chair next to me drew my attention. I looked up to see Bella smiling brightly at me.

"Hello" she started to place her things on the desk next to me.

"H-hi" I stammered. A quick glance in the direction Bella had come from and I was met with a pissed off roommate. I quickly dropped my eyes from the glare she was giving me.

"Save me" Bella whispered just as her roommate appeared next to her.

"What are you doing?" She demanded.

I wanted to help her, but I had no idea what was going on. Bella looked at me and I looked back at her with a perplexed look. _Come on Daniel, you can do this. Be a hero and get the girl. _I opened my mouth, but quickly shut it.

"Bella, why are you sitting with…" she sneered at me, "with him?" The disgust in her voice was quite evident. _I can't be a hero._

"Jess, look, Daniel already asked if I would be his lab partner, so I sat with him." Bella turned to me and then mouthed, "Please be my partner. Save me."

"Ah, yes." I said quickly. Jess quickly narrowed her eyes on me. I swallowed roughly and pushed myself to be a hero. "I, uh, we were introduced…I am Emmett's roommate." I stammered and then finally spit out.

Bella giggled and Jess huffed.

"Fine," Jess growled out before walking to a table with an empty seat.

Bella put her hand on my arm. "Thank you so much. Jessica is a clingy pain in the ass sometimes. You are my hero." _Well, hello there erection._

I had made it through the class without crushing my erect penis against the lab table, without anyone noticing, and without excusing myself to the men's room. For all of that, I was extremely thankfully.

The next day Emmett dragged me along with him to soccer. I was still unsure and nervous about playing. The flashbacks to childhood still haunted me.

Relief started to settle in when I saw that it was all co-ed and quite a variety of people. _At least I'm not the only gangly nerd out here._

Emmett explained that 'jack and jill' is the most fun otherwise all men teams become a 'macho testosterone fest.' They decided that Emmett would be a team captain. He organized the lineups and practices. He also would sort of stand in as a coach, but the teams were not that competitive.

While I was more at ease with the diverse group of people present, I still knew that I was out of shape. I knew that I was going to embarrass myself in front of everyone and I worried that I would be a liability to the team. _That would eliminate my friendship with Emmett for sure._

I had to stop a few times to catch my breath. I was easily getting winded and my coordination was less than desirable. Emmett on the other hand moved with ease and confidence. _Yet another reason to envy this all American man._

At the end of the afternoon, Emmett threw his sweaty arm over my shoulder and walked me off the field. The extra weight of his arm is almost enough to buckle my knees at this point.

"You are quite good." I stated sincerely. He hadn't once horded the ball or yelled at anyone for missing a goal. "I'm surprised that you don't play for the UW team." Emmett removed his arm as we both grabbed for our bags off the bench.

"I was shoe-in for a full scholarship." I stopped walking and looked at him shocked. "That was until they found out my medical history."

"Your medical history?" I inquired as we walked toward the Intramural Activities Building.

"Yeah, I had a little leukemia when I was twelve."

"Oh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry."

"What the hell are you sorry for?" He chuckled. "You didn't give me leukemia and you sure as fuck wouldn't know it by the way I look, now would you." He wiggled his eyebrows at me with a loud laugh. Then he got a little serious. "I was pretty pissed about the scholarship, but what the fuck are you gonna do, right?" He nudged me with his elbow. _Ouch!_ "I love soccer, so I keep on playing for fun. You can pick up a soccer game anywhere. They can't take that shit away, you know?"

"You are quite right." I agreed with a smile. He was sort of an inspiration. Underneath his layers of muscle and high sexual drive, he was a survivor. Perhaps we had more in common then I realized.

"So, is that why germs bother you so much?" I blurted out the question just as I had made the connection.

"Oh, you noticed that?" he grinned. "Yeah, I still get nauseated pretty easily and of course when your body gets the chemo you have no immunity so we were always careful. It's sort of second nature to me now." He shrugged.

"So, what was that like, the chemotherapy?"

"Well, it was brutal, especially at twelve, but it obviously helped." He smiled. "I'm completely fine now, well the chemo fried my boys," he grabbed at his crotch, "but obviously it hasn't affected my performance." He winked at me.

"What do you mean 'fried my boys'?" I couldn't help it, I was curious.

"Oh, I don't have any swimmers." I looked at him confused. He laughed. "My sperm count is zilch, my friend. Come on." He patted my shoulder roughly and we finished are walk to the IMA showers.

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**A/N: Thank you ladies and h00rs for all your support!**

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	7. The Locker Room

**A/N We don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. We are just having some pervy fun with the characters.** **Remember, this fic is rated M for a very good reason and we all know that's why you're here. **

**I want to give a HUGE thanks to my three (yes three) betas who all turned around this chapter in just a couple of hours: Rosmarina, teacupsNmints, and Shortcake0779. **

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**Chapter 6 – The -Locker Room

Theme song - Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake

_Oh bloody hell, I just walked into a gay pornographic film!_ Or at least what I had imagined a gay pornographic film would look like because I had never seen one before. Honestly! As soon as we reached the locker room I was surrounded by a plethora of large sweaty muscular men in their physical prime. _Don't get a nervous erection__, Daniel. Not bloody now!_ I suppose it only made sense that a locker room full of nude, collegiate athletes would be intimidating for a skinny, out of shape bloke like me but I never expected this.

Emmett was in his element. "You gotta love the smell of sweaty dudes getting clean!" He smiled. "Come on Danny Boy, hop in the shower with me," he said a little too loudly and with a little too much enthusiasm.

I tried to act like there was nothing wrong. "Um, uh...I think I will just go on over to one of those stall showers over there," I said with a manly salute.

In an instant Emmett was completely naked. I was especially impressed with his physique after the news of his bout of leukemia. Not a very smart disease to try and bring down my new friend here. Quickly, I looked away after realizing I was staring a little too long. As I took my eyes away, it became very clear as I briefly looked around the locker room that my thin, flabby build was not the only thing that made me different from everyone else. I was the only man in the room who was not circumcised.

Instantly I felt sick but I tried to hide my anxiety. "I'll just be on my way...over there. I'll be quick."

"Cool dude. Hey, can we go get a cookie after wards?" Emmett asked with the glee of a small child.

"Of course. It will even be my treat." I tried to match his cheerfulness.

I went over to the semi-private corner, undressed, folded my clothes, and took a long hot _private_ shower. It felt great after the 'soccer' practice and I could tell I was going to be sore tomorrow. _These work outs will be good for me_, I thought. I decided to try to get in more brisk walks for my over-all well being and perhaps I would try some water aerobics. Nan always liked to go, and I had to admit that I enjoyed the vision of busty women bouncing around in the swimming pool.

Just as I was getting out of the shower I felt a _SNAP_! on my bum. "Ouch!" I grabbed my arse.

"Gotcha, Danny Boy! Man that shower took you long enough," he laughed and wiggled his eyebrows. Emmett was ready to go and started whining. "I'm hungry, I need my cookie now!"

I made a mental note to myself to remember to bring Emmett his snacks for after practice from now on.

As we headed back to the dorm, Emmett and I stopped by Angela's coffee cart up at the HUB. We were immediately caught in the gaze of Angela's perky nipples.

Like a zombie, Emmett proclaimed "I really want to nibble on those-"

"COOKIES!" I shouted loudly. "We would like two of those delicious chocolate chip cookies that you have…right there staring directly at us."

"No problem," Angela cheerfully replied and grabbed the two of her biggest of her round delights for us.

After paying a ridiculous $10 for our cookies - Emmett insisted we leave a generous tip - we headed back up to our room to watch some Dr. Who and relax.

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That night, cuddled up in my pajamas with Mr. Snuffles, I kept going over the locker room in my mind. Specifically, I obsessed over all the circumcised penises in the locker room. How did I not realize I would be so different from the other blokes here in America? I lovingly grabbed my penis and tugged on my foreskin_. Should I get a circumcision?_That hurt just thinking about it. Besides, I really liked my foreskin. It was so sensitive, and I enjoyed playing with it even when I was too tired to wank. _What would Bella think of my penis if I ever got the opportunity to show it to her?__  
_

I continued to see Bella in Biology class, but both days she was sitting next to her unfriendly roommate. Actually, I think it was the other way around. Bella was always polite, but she did not seem to care for Jessica's distractions or the little notes that she kept passing to her. Whenever I saw Bella, I tried to give her a little smile and she always smiled back. I wanted so badly to get her away from that unpleasant girl.

On Thursday after class, between lecture and our lab section, I decided to make my move.

"Hello ladies!" I said cheerfully.

"Why are you talking to us?" answered Jessica. I was instantly mortified.

"Jessica, stop being so rude!" Bella jumped in then smiled at me.

"Um...I don't know anyone else," I lamely replied while looking down.

"Well you don't know us either," Jessica stormed to the women's restroom.

Bella bounced in front of me. "Hey, you know me!" she said with a gentle nudge. I pushed my glasses up my nose and smiled shyly.

"I am so sorry, Daniel. I don't know what to do about her. We knew each other in high school and agreed to be roommates. I mean at the time it seemed like a good idea, but I think I should have just taken a chance with a stranger. Actually as a roommate she isn't so bad; I mean she is quiet and clean. It's just that she constantly follows me around." Bella paused and put her hands to her forehead and closed her eyes. "Oh God, she's awful!"

Bella stopped and giggled. I was captivated by her friendly charms. I should have known that Emmett would be close friends with a girl as sweet as Bella. I was speechless.

"I'm sorry, I just keep talking. How are you? How are you adjusting? I hear you are playing soccer with Emmett?"

"Um, yeah, just intramurals, you know, nothing competitive but still vigorous nonetheless," I replied and smiled. "So far I really like it here. Everyone is so welcoming and friendly."

"Yeah? Your accent is really cute, you know?" she said.

I didn't know how to reply to her sweet compliment. "So is yours," I lamely replied although it was still very much the truth.

Bella laughed and I couldn't help but smile. She liked the way I spoke. Nobody ever said that to me before. I had a hard time looking her in the eye because she was just so lovely, and I felt so shy and embarrassed. I couldn't think of anything else to say that didn't seem stupid, and I didn't want Bella to know I was any more of a geek than I already was.

"We have a lovely salad bar in our cafeteria." I choked out. _Smooth, Daniel. Smooth._

She looked confused. _That did it. She is going to walk away._

I quickly added, "Perhaps you should come over to give it a try sometime? Um, you know with Emmett and I. He could use the encouragement. You know, with his aversions." _And I would love to share your company._

"Yeah that would be great! Is it OK if I leave my roommate at home?" She accepted my offer! I was elated and I was already falling in love with her sense of humor.

"Um, yes of course. Please feel free to do so." I happily replied.

"It won't be too hard. She can't stand Emmett." I was perplexed. I wondered how anyone, especially a girl, could not like Emmett?

She went on. "She had this huge crush on him but he was never interested in her. So now she says she hates him and is dating this guy Mike who we all went to high school with. Emmett doesn't like him at all and frankly neither do I. So, coming over to your place works out well for us all." She smiled brightly.

I couldn't wait to find out what she liked on her salad, what kind of lettuce she would choose. _I bet she likes bacon bits._

Our laboratory section went well. It was such a pleasure to work with Bella as she had the perfect combination of studiousness and sense of scientific fun. Her ocher friend just scowled at me whenever I looked over at her.

On Friday, I decided to be bold. I sat directly behind Bella so I could stare at her back. I noticed her bra strap squeezing her back flesh, and I imagined unclasping her brassiere and watching her magical surprises fall out of it. _Note to self - find a bra to practice clasping and unclasping. _Bella drew a smiley face on her notebook and held it up for me to see. I was so elated at her attention and so sexually stimulated at that point imagining her bountiful bosoms that when the bell rang I rushed out of class to wank in the bathroom…a. Again. I hoped Bella didn't think I was rude.

I went to soccer practice that afternoon exhilarated by Bella's smiley face. I needed to make her a smiley face too to let her know that I liked her. In order to do that I would eventually need to sit next to her.

Soccer practice was grueling. As nice as Emmett was, he was still a very energetic coach and player. I was so knackered that I almost wanted to forgo my plan of avoiding the locker room, but not quite. I suggested we jog back to the dorm to shower. It was only about half a mile away, but I still had to take a break when we were halfway there. I definitely needed to get back into water aerobics and soon.  
**  
**That weekend Tina and Amy hosted an M&M party. Their idea was that each room that wanted to participate would serve some snacks. That way we could all wander from room to room 'mingling & munching'. I liked snack foods, so I was especially excited to try some American delicacies.

Before the party I crept into the corner and changed into my new blue jeans that I just purchased from Target. I topped it off with my white long-sleeved t-shirt that had vertical orange stripes on the arms. I hoped they made my arms look more muscular, and I hoped that Bella would be coming to admire said arms. I didn't want to ask Emmett about her and raise suspicion of my intentions.

"Fuck, Danny Boy. I knew those jeans would make your ass look awesome!" Emmett held out a fist.

"Uh…thanks Emmett" I said as I tilted me head and rubbed my eyes with one hand and fisted him with the other.

Emmett decided we should serve his mum's cheese dip in the crock pot with Frito chips like she always served at Christmas. Just as the cheese was melting and combining with the chili, Carlisle popped his head in.

"Mmm, something smells good boys". Carlisle clapped his hands and licked his lips.

"It's Mrs. McCarty's famous Hot Mexi-Cheese Dip, and it's almost melted!" I was salivating already.

"Wow man, you look good in those jeans." Carlisle turned and helped himself to a Frito chip.

"Thank you, Carlisle, you look presentable too this evening," I replied with what I hoped was an aura of manliness.

I was enjoying myself immensely at the party. Our room was very popular. A few drinks down the hatch loosened me up quite a bit and moving from room to room eating snacks was a great way of getting acquainted with all the people in the hall. Eric and Tyler went all out making fancy cookies with famous men's faces in them. I didn't know much about modern popular culture but the portraits were impressive nonetheless. I was nibbling on Johnny Depp as I strolled into Carlisle's 'apartment'. Carlisle served chicken corndogs with mustard.

The music was very loud, and thanks to my inebriation from too many of Tina's 'Penis Coladas' I was feeling the beat and enjoying it. As I observed people dancing, I couldn't help but compare them to birds in an avian mating ritual. I started dancing by myself just like I did when I was alone in my bedroom. Just as I was getting my groove on to a rather provocative song, Emmett made his way over, his crotch attached to Rosalie's behind.

"Dude, you really need to stop doing the air guitar and karate moves." He drew his hand across his neck as if he was cutting his own throat.

Emmett lowered his voice. "See you need to do the rhythmically-challenged white boy dance. Just find a girl you like and start grinding your dick on her ass with the music. They love it. Trust me! See, just like this." Just then, Shortcake came right up to Emmett's behind and thrust her pelvis into him, feeling up and down his arms. _Hmmm girls must like that._I looked around the room and saw that that was more or less what other people were doing. Even Carlisle was in the corner thrusting with Tina, although they weren't moving to the music.

I decided to give Emmett's technique a try. The first girl I tried it on slapped me across the face which I found quite arousing. Then I looked over and saw Amy. She always seemed like a nice girl so went up to her and smiled as I started grinding on her hips. She immediately turned around and put her arms around me. I was surprised that she would touch me at all. _Whoa!_ She seemed to enjoy my dance moves a little too much so I tried to figure out a way to get her off me yet still behave like a gentleman.

"Hey, let's go get corndogs!" I cheerfully said.

"No thanks sweetie, you go ahead," she replied with a wink. Then she walked on over to Carlisle and Tina and they all proceeded to make a musical love sandwich.

Just as I was about to eat one of Carlisle's wieners, I saw Bella walk in looking radiant as always. She walked right over to me with Alice by her side.

"May I have a taste?" She asked, her full lips moist with some sort chap stick.

"Any time you want, Bella." I said as I gazed into her big eyes. My courage was boosted from the copious amount of alcohol I had been consuming. Watching her devour the breaded meat and nibble the last bits of corn off the thick stick sent me over the edge. I grabbed Bella's hips and started grinding on her right there. Almost instantly, Alice was grinding on my bum and I was sandwiched between the girls. I was fully aroused and painfully hard. I was sure Bella could feel my erection pressing into her bum. Or was her bum pressing into my erection? I didn't care. All I wanted to do at that point was goose her caboose, but I was suddenly overwhelmed by an alarming urge to vomit.

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**A/N: Thank you all your support!  
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**What were your college parties like? ****Reviews are like hugs from Daniel!**

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****My Recommendations:**

**Potential** by **Rosmarina** Those of you who follow me on Twitter know I love this sweet story about beefy Emmett and intellectual Edward falling in luv. HOTT!

**Falling for the First Time** by **Snowwhiteheart** If you like geeks, and I know you do because that is why you are here, you have to read this one! Great twist on the geekward genre. Hilarious!

**The Metamorphisis** by **teacupNmints** Do you like geeks and foreskins? I admit that I was imagining Daniel when I first read this wonderful story. MMmmmmmm...


	8. Bella's Skirt

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. I'm just having some pervy fun with the characters.** **This story is rated M for a very good reason and we all know that's why you're here. **

**A huge thank you to my lovely betas Rosmarina (She can really crack a whip and I must admit I quite like it!) and Bookgeek80 (who makes sure Daniel doesn't sound like a 30-something American housewife).**

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Chapter 7 – Bella's Skirt

Theme song – St. Swithin's Day by Billy Bragg

Quickly, I pushed Bella away from me and ran down to the bathroom. I didn't reach a toilet, but thankfully I managed to collapse in a shower before vomiting and passing out.

The next morning I woke up in the recliner, in my pajamas with my duvet over me. I felt horrible.

"Rise and shine you party animal!" Emmett was laughing.

"Good morning…Emmett," I croaked. Everything was blurry without my glasses, and I am sure my hangover didn't help. I tried to focus and rubbed my eyes. Emmett noticed my squinting and handed them to me.

"Uh, what happened last night?" I asked as I adjusted my glasses. _Ah that's better._

"You seriously don't remember?" he laughed. "You were rubbing your dick all over Bella's -"

"Oh no!" _Please don't go any further._

"Oh it's okay, dude. You can get away with a lot while you're dancing with a chick. You should try spanking her next time. She likes that."

"Emmett!" I just wanted him to stop.

"Well it's true. Anyways, she was all into it, and next thing I know you ran to the bathroom and you were puking all over the shower stall. Most of it ended up on your shirt and pants. Thank god, we could just wash most the rest down the drain!" Emmett got a serious expression on his face and leaned in. "Danny boy, you really need to chew your food better. No wonder you keep getting an upset stomach. How could you even swallow half a hot dog without chewing it up first? You know for a skinny dude you sure can pack it away."

I groaned. "Thank you for your help Emmett…um…who all saw this?"

"Well, mostly it was just me and Bella with you in the bathroom. She's great with sick people, by the way. Then Carlisle popped in to make sure you were alright. After you were done I just carried you back here and we got you into your jammies. Don't you remember? You were semi-coherent. You kept mumbling something about ducks and cabooses or some shit."

"Bella undressed me and put me into my pajamas?!" I replied, horrified. Oh no, what did I say in my drunken stupor? What did she see? Did she see my penis? I wanted nothing more than to crawl under a rock and die from both my hangover and my humiliation.

"Well yeah, you were covered in puke we couldn't just leave you like that. You smelled like vomit and , booze and corndogs. Bella and Alice helped but I was there to make sure they didn't molest you or anything." Then Emmett started to smile. "Dude, I saw you were also wearing your new underwear. I think someone was hoping to get lucky!" He sang.

Honestly, I wasn't paying attention to my underpants but I certainly will next time. "Well they were clean and…"

Emmett raised his hands. "No need to explain to me. A dude has got to keep his game on at all times. And don't worry, we left your underwear on you even though Alice wanted to take it off. Danny Boy, I think she likes you." He wiggled his eyebrows.

"What?" I was confused and disappointed that he wasn't talking about Bella. Of course a girl like her was way out of my league. Actually, so was Alice. It was just that I didn't feel as warm and fuzzy about her as I did about Bella. For some reason being intimate with a girl that had participated in a three way sexual encounter with Emmett was not a turn on for me. Though she seemed like a nice girl and I did have to give her credit for liking me. It is's not like there were many girls who did. Still, I just wasn't attracted to her. She was so tiny and seemed too breakable. I wanted a fully grown woman, like Bella. I wanted Bella!

"Anyhow, I was going to just stuff you up on your bunk, but Bella made the very good point that you might fall out since you were so drunk. There is was no way I was going to let you on my bunk in your state so the recliner it was! Besides we can wipe it down if you get sick again." Emmett pointed to the anti-bacterial wipes. I consoled myself with the thought that Bella still cared enough for my welfare to protect me from myself. At least Bella didn't hate me so much for shoving her that she would allow me to fall off my bunk. It was a start.

"I am so embarrassed…. I can't believe I got so inebriated… I am used to drinking beer. I uh, I guess I just can't handle spirits very well." I replied.

Emmet punched my shoulder. _Ouch!_ "Don't worry about it dude. They were serving some pretty potent shit last night. Amy and Eric were all concerned about you this morning when I saw them in the hallway. I told them to tell everyone that you were fine and that I undressed you and took you to bed last night. It's all good." _Bella must think I am a disgusting pig who cannot handle his alcohol._

Later on that afternoon I finally got up to wee. I found a hot cup of tea sitting next to the recliner waiting for me. Emmett was the best! I still felt horrible, but I knew it served me right for drinking too much and behaving like an animal with the ladies. I knew I needed to apologize to Bella, and I needed to do it as soon as possible.

I was feeling too ill to go anywhere and too embarrassed to speak to her in person. Being the coward that I am, I decided to apologize through email. By typing in her name into the UW email system her address popped right up.

**From: "Daniel Gerard Butler Gale" *dgale(at)UofW(dot)com***

**To: "Isabella Marie Swan" *iswan(at)UofW(dot)com***

**Subject: My Apologies**

**Dear Bella,**

**Please accept my apologies for behaving like a drunken arse last night. I assure you that I am able to drink a fair amount of beer, but perhaps spirits do not agree with my system. Either way, there is no excuse for my ungentlemanly behaviour. I am so sorry that I pushed you. I just wanted to make sure that I did not vomit on you and as the feeling came on very suddenly. I truly hope I didn't hurt you.**

**If you should ever allow me to enjoy your company again, you have my word that I will be a complete gentleman. **

**Thank you for taking care of me last night.**

**Sincerely yours,**

**Daniel **

About half an hour later I received a reply. I was so thrilled that she responded.

**From: "Isabella Marie Swan" *****iswan(at)UofW(dot)com***

**To: "Daniel Gerard Butler Gale" *****dgale(at)UofW(dot)com***

**Subject: My Apologies**

**Hey Daniel!!**

**No problemo! I am glad you' are OK. How are you feeling? You know, it is so much better to just puke it all out than to keep it inside. What were you drinking anyways? I don't have to ask what you were eating because I saw it all****. LOL! You really should chew your food better****. (I think that might be why you keep getting an upset tummy.)**

**It is so cute when you use British terms****! Don't worry, I don't think you are an asshole. I just hope you don't feel too sick. I had fun last night. ;-) **

**Ciao,**

**Bella**

**PS. Cute underpants! **

Oh heavens! She speaks Italian too and she likes my underwear. She even sent me a winking emoticon, indicating extra familiar friendliness. Bella was so sweet and friendly; I wasn't sure what to make of it. I immediately sent off a reply.

**From: "Daniel Gerard Butler Gale" *****dgale(at)UofW(dot)com***

**To: "Isabella Marie Swan" *****iswan(at)UofW(dot)com***

**Subject: My Apologies**

**Buona sera Bella!**

**To answer your questions: I am feeling quite sick nauseous and I have an awful headache, but I suppose that is my penance for being so ill-mannered and imbibing in too much alcohol last night. I believe I was drinking a combination of beer, penis coladas (not sure what was in those), and a few shots of Goldschläger. I wonder if the gold bits were dissolved in my stomach acid? **

**I had a good time last night as well, especially once you arrived and up until I vomited all over the shower right there in front of my friends and neighbors. **

**Lack of proper mastication does not lead to my tummy issues. I suppose I need to get my system acclimated to the local cuisine. I am still wearing the underpants of which you are so fond. :-) **

**Sincerely yours, **

**Daniel**

In my excitement to send quick witty reply I realized that I both implied that I do not change my underwear on a daily basis and discussed my mythological diarrhea problem with the woman of my dreams._ Stupid, Daniel!_ I waited all evening hoping to get another delightful message from Bella. No surprise, a reply never came. I went to bed feeling dejected.

Just as I was falling asleep, Emmett thumped the underside of the bunk.

"Danny Boy, you seem down this evening. Still hung over? Man, I've had a few that lasted like 3 days. I don't even drink anymore. I have no tolerance whatsoever."

Did I really want to bring up my troubles with Emmett? Certainly I couldn't tell him that I was lusting after his best friend. Perhaps I could just speak in general terms. "Uh, I-I can't talk to girls. Most certainly not when I am sober."

"You seemed to be doing alright at the party, dude. You've got that geek-chic thing going on. Seattle chicks dig you. Maybe you just need a little practice…you know…you should talk to hot babes on the internet!"

"How do I do that?" I my curiosity was piqued.

"Oh just get on Twitter or gmail chat. Find some nice girls to have conversations with. I think that would be good practice. Then work your way up to talking to live girls that you don't really like. Once you are ok with them, you will be ready for the babes."

"Thanks, Emmett. That actually sounds like a good idea."

Emmett knocked the underside of my bunk again. "No problem, I'm an ideas man!"

That seemed like a good idea. Now I had a plan. I hoped it wouldn't take me too long to be able to converse with Bella like a normal American guy. Within 10 ten seconds the snoring began, so I put in my earplugs and quickly fell asleep.

*******

I could tell that calculus with Emmett was going to be one of those classes where we needed to study every day to keep up with the material. I needed good grades for medical school and Emmett needed them to get into the engineering department. One week into the class and we already had loads of homework problems to work on. I hoped that Emmett would make a good study buddy, but I wasn't sure about his academic prowess. Still he must have been pretty smart to get into the University of Washington. I had to admit that between his fidgeting, doodling, and looking around the room I wasn't sure he was paying much attention to the lecture. I tried to avoid looking at his notes for fear of seeing more intimate pictures of the girls he has been acquainted with. _Oh please don't let there be any of Bella._

Honestly though, I wasn't much better as I spent much of the lecture thinking about Bella and worrying about her opinion of me. Finally, ventured a glance and saw that Emmett's notes were actually pretty good today, and so were his little drawings – a car and a turtle. I was thrilled to see that he could draw things other than female genitalia. Not that I didn't appreciate them.

I was so nervous about seeing Bella. After class on my way to Biology lecture I kept going over and over in my mind that stupid email I sent to her. _God, she must think I am a total loser. Maybe if I just sneak towards the back she won't see-_

"Hey Daniel!" Bella came up and rubbed my arm with a smile. "Feeling better today?"

"Ummm…yeah," I hesitated. I was confused. She didn't hate me?

"How…how are you?" I asked.

"I'm great! I spent most of yesterday afternoon shopping at Goodwill with Alice. We love thrift stores. You never know what treasures you might find! I got a cute skirt for $6." _Mmmm… Bella in a skirt, a breeze gently caressing her nether regions. Easy there, Daniel!_

"That sounds like fun. I used to go with my Nan to the market on Saturdays. She collected 'Occupied Japan' teacups and saucers," I replied and hoped she couldn't read my filthy mind.

"Cool! Come on let's sit down." She gently grabbed my arm and guided me to sit towards Jessica. Not my favorite person, but I gave her a cordial smile and sat down. The shrew just glared at me. _What is her problem?_

When we were settled, I slowly stretched my arms up above my head so that my shirt lifted up and showed the band of my new Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs just above the waist of my trousers. I wanted to ensure that Bella knew I had good hygiene and notice that I had, indeed, changed them. As soon as I caught her staring at my hairy, flabby stomach I instantly regretted it and dropped my arms to my sides. What would be worse, for Bella to think I was unfit or to think I was the kind of guy who wears the same underpants several days in a row? I had no choice. I had to go with the former, rather than the later.

When she looked up at me, she smirked and raised an eyebrow. _What?_ If I hadn't known better I would have thought that she was being extra friendly with me. There must have been some logical explanation for her enticing behavior. I couldn't think of any other response than to just smile back. What did I have to lose? She already thought I was the guy who didn't change his underwear and had chronic dysentery.

As the lecture began, Bella drew another smiley face in her notebook, in the margin closest to me. Instantly I felt the heat rise in my face and the familiar stiffening in my pants. My sexual frustration prompted me to be bold, so I too drew a smiley face in my notebook – in the margin closest to Bella. I even drew little glasses on him so she knew that the smiley represented me, and that I was happy. When I looked up, Bella was staring straight ahead, turning purple, and trying not to smile. Could it be that the beautiful Bella Swan liked me too and wanted to be my friend? The notion was incomprehensible. Still, I couldn't wait to get out of lecture so I could have some time alone to think about it.

Back in my dorm room, I knew that Emmett was still in class, so I got comfortable up in my bunk. I slid my pants and boxer briefs down and gently tugged on my foreskin while I thought about Bella.

_Is it possible that she likes me? I bet she looks lovely in a skirt. Did she get one of those long flowing skirts or a tight form-fitting skirt__ like sexy librarians wore?. I don't think anything could be sexier on Bella than a tight polyester skirt stretched tightly across her bum__. Then again if it were a tight skirt she would have likely said "pencil skirt" or something like that. Maybe it is a long flowing sort of skirt. That could be nice, too. Easy access to her thighs and panties and what is under the aforementioned panties. I wonder if she wears stockings? I would love to run my hands up the back of her legs and feel where the elastic squeezes her fleshy thighs. I bet they are soft and smooth and squishy, just waiting for my long fingers to sink into them. _

I wondered what kind of knickers Bella wore_. I bet she would look great in those short shorts with her arse cheeks hanging out of them. Mmmmm…God, I would love to feel around inside those knickers. _

At this point, I was fully aroused. I vigorously pumped my hand up and down my shaft paying extra attention to the underside as the head peeked in and out of my tightened foreskin. The only thing that would feel better at this point was being inside Bella, anywhere inside Bella. I imagined she was very moist inside her panties…or was she? _They always have those commercials on the telly about vaginal dryness__ so it must be a rather common problem among American women.__ Did fair Bella suffer this malady?__ Well if she did, I would be more than happy to moisten her with my tongue. No need for some harsh chemicals on my Bella's delicate bits. I could take care of her myself._ And with that thought, I exploded in my hand spraying hot semen all over my stomach. _Wow, two days is way too long to go between wanks!_

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**A/N: Ever make a drunken ass of yourself at a party? Can the h00rs from Down Under pick out the phrase I stole from a very funny Australian film made in 1997? Did you know that I respond to each and every review? Yeah, they mean that much to Daniel and I!**

**Thanks to twicoincidence on the Twitter for suggesting the Billy Bragg song. What? You've never heard of him? Listen to the song on the DGCTA Soundtrack on the blog. He is awesome!**

**Links to the Danielgaleh00rs blog, Daniel's sensible advice column, Daniel's scrapbook of adventures, Daniel's Facebook page, our Twitter accounts, and the Twilighted thread are all on the main Danielgaleh00rs FFn page. Whew!**


	9. Water Aerobics and Nan

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. I'm just perving up characters for shiggles.** **This story is rated M for a very good reason .**

**Thank you so much to my lovely betas, Rosmarina and Bookgeek80, who spank me hard.**

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Chapter 8 – Water Aerobics and Nan

Theme song – Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran

After relieving my tension, I decided to follow Emmett's advice. I set up Twitter and Gmail accounts, in case I met some nice girls on the internet. Nan had good advice with regard to girls: always be a gentleman and give the lady lots of compliments. I wasn't sure how to approach them, but I quickly found out through my online conversations that women seemed to like it when I said "Hello" and introduced myself. Many commented that they liked my picture too. That was a confidence boost! I felt so emboldened as my alter ego. Eventually, I said a few cheeky things to the ladies and practiced my awful Italian. I think I even made the girls who didn't speak Italian swoon a bit as well.

I had learnt some _italiano_ back when we went to Tuscany on holiday. I tried to speak to the Italian girls but they didn't seem to care for me. They would just look at me and tell me to go away. At least I think that's what they were saying. Instead, I practiced with the little old ladies when I went on my daily walks. They would always pinch my cheeks and tell me what good boy I was. They always made me smile.

That evening I started my water aerobics class. I was fortunate to have a pool just a short walk away from my dormitory on upper campus. I changed into my long swim shorts and t-shirt out in the open of the empty men's locker room. I couldn't wait to hear the music and feel the burn in my muscles from a thorough low-impact workout. To be honest, I wanted to be fit and look good for Bella in case she ever saw me naked.

To impress my new Twitter friends, I told them that I wore a yellow Speedo swimsuit but the reality was that I had stopped wearing one of those about the time I turned thirteen and began getting acne and body hair. Nan always tried to get me to wear my Speedo because she said it made my bum look cute but I just couldn't do it. I've never had any confidence in my appearance. For inspiration though, I keep a picture of a man in a yellow Speedo in my scrapbook. I hoped that someday I will look like that and have some confidence.

As I walked out of the locker room I looked around and noticed that this crowd was much younger than what I was used to when took Nan to the community pool back 'home'. As I started to climb into the water, I saw her. In a beautiful white swimsuit, Bella stood looking at the flotation weights in confusion. I could have stared at her barely clad derriere and naked thighs all day but I didn't want to get a throbbing erection. More importantly, I didn't want to ogle Bella's delectable body in her vulnerable state of semi undress without her permission. _Time to make your move Daniel._

I got out and quickly walked around the pool. As I stopped in front of her I said, "Ta da!"

She looked up at me with a smile. "Oh Daniel, hello! I am surprised to see you here. This is my first time." She then whispered, "I'm a little nervous."

"There's no need to be, really. You will be sore at first but you'll be fine tomorrow." I nodded and assured her. I grabbed a couple of float weights for each of us. _Look her in the eye, Daniel. Whatever you do, don't look down!_

"I don't know what I'm doing. I-I don't know how to do this." She said with a nervous laugh. _Think of Emmett's cobra, think of Emmett's cobra._ I grabbed a float weight just in case and accidentally rammed it straight into my groin. _Bollocks!_ _That takes care of that problem._

I tried to be charming. "It would be my honor to guide you through your first time." _Do not stare at her beautiful breasts, Danny Boy. Don't even look at them. Wait, now I am calling myself that?_

She looked around the pool. "OK, where do you want to do it?" _Deep end! So I can't see your gorgeous body and watch your Tuscan melons bouncing around. Good heavens, to taste such sweet fruit!_

I gestured towards the back of the class. "I like to go deep. It feels more thorough that way."

"In this end?" she asked.

I nodded with a shy smile and adjusted my glasses.

We both climbed in the pool. "This is wonderful!" Bella moaned.

I closed my eyes. "Oh God! It feels so good…so warm and wet." _I bet her nipples are really hard right now._

We started our warm up exercises and Bella kept staring at my squishy arms. Fortunately, they were mostly covered up with my t-shirt.

"You have nice arms, Daniel. You must work out a lot." I was instantly flushed.

"Oh," I winced and cleared my throat. "Not really, I just started soccer and…um…I suppose it's from years of lifting my Nan in and out of her scooter. I used to take her swimming but they didn't have one of those lifts like they have over there that helps people get in and out of the pool." I pointed towards the handy contraption.

"Oh aren't you sweet!"

I sucked in some air. "Well, she was my Nan and she liked to swim so…" I let out a breath of air and trailed off. "I took her where ever she wanted to go. We had so much fun together. She was my best friend, you know. Nan and I used to have great fun going to water aerobics back in Guildford, so I have pretty good stamina."

Bella smiled her radiant smile and looked like she was about say something, but at that point we saw the instructor scowling at us so we started paying attention.

After about an hour of pumping and bouncing to the music - it was ABBA night – class was over and everyone was meandering out of the pool. I decided to be bold.

"Bella, it is getting dark outside. May I walk you back to your dormitory?" I asked.

"Um...I don't want to inconvenience you; I still need to dry my hair."

"It's right on my way. I have a book to occupy me and I don't mind waiting at all," I added.

"Well, yeah! That would be great. Thank you. I'll hurry up."

"Please take your time," I added and gestured towards the women's locker room.

I felt myself becoming engorged as I watched the water dripping off her bottom when she climbed out of the pool. As she turned around and smiled I saw her erect nipples pointing at me. My mouth instinctively opened and I was once again hard as steel. It was a good thing I was able to walk in the opposite direction, away from the rest of the class.

I was never so thankful as I was right then that, as usual, there were no other men in my water aerobics class. I immediately stripped off my wet t-shirt and shorts, wrung them out, and folded them on the bench. I grabbed my Axe body wash and started lathering myself up in the shower paying special attention to my cash and prizes. With the hot water blasting down on my back, I pumped my shaft roughly until I was raw and satiated.

I was thrilled that not only did Bella and I have biology together, but I would also see her twice a week at the pool. Afterward, I could walk her home to make sure she was safe. I would have to remember to wank before classes though, to keep my arousal under control.

After drying off, I walked out into the hallway and waited for Bella. She came out wearing her track suit and with her hair still wet. She smelled like my dandruff shampoo which I found quite tantalizing.

"Ready?" she asked.

"Yes of course, but didn't you want to dry your hair?"

"Nah!" She put her hand on my arm and shook her head. "I didn't want to make you wait."

I inhaled deeply, taking in her scent.

"Bella, I don't want you to catch a cold." I knew that was a myth but I didn't want her to get a chill on my behalf.

"It's not that far to walk and it isn't even that cold. Come on, let's go."

We walked in silence for a bit. I suspected that she was feeling very tired but relaxed from our workout.

"So, you have seborrheic dermatitis as well?"

"What?" She giggled.

I replied, "Seborrheic dermatitis. The common, inflammatory skin condition that causes flaky scales to form on oily parts of the body such as the scalp and groin."

"You mean dandruff? Yeah, if I don't use Head & Shoulders I get it pretty bad." She fluffed her hair. I was thrilled that we had this skin condition in common.

"Oh mine is so bad that I use prescription strength Pyrithione zinc. That's the active ingredient, you know."

"Really? I didn't know that. Can you let me try a little of your prescription shampoo and see if it works on me?"

"Oh, I can't do that. That would be illegal. It clearly says on the bottle that it is unlawful to share prescriptions," I said as we reached her dormitory. I hated to deny her but it was the law.

"Um…alright." Bella looked perplexed. "Well, I'd better get inside. Thank you for walking me home."

"Anytime Bella, I would be happy to walk you home after aerobics class or any other time. In fact, if you're studying in the library and it gets late, please give me a call. Really, I don't mind at all. I love to go for brisk walks." I showed her my new cell phone. I was so proud to be on the 'family plan'.

She poked me in the arm. "Thanks Daniel, that's really sweet of you! I just might take you up on that."

"Oh God, please do," I said desperately. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but all did was adjust my glasses and bid her farewell. I really didn't think my advances would even be welcome. Besides, even if they were I needed to take her out on a proper date first, just like Nan always said.

The rest of the week went great. Classes were keeping us all busy and I enjoyed many lovely meals with my new friends and acquaintances. I was even enjoying soccer practices with Emmett. He was always patient with his team of misfits.

I made sure to pack along little sandwich bags of nuts and fruits for our after practice snack. I couldn't afford to keep eating $10 cookies. More importantly, I tried to feed Emmett snacks that were especially rich in antioxidants to help combat any free radicals that might be floating in his system. He might have had a fear of germs at the salad bar, but as long as it was well-preserved or well-cooked he would eat pretty much anything. All that meat and prepackaged food products couldn't be too good for him.

Bella and I didn't have a chance to talk very much but we seemed to fall into a comfortable routine of sitting next to each other in biology and going to water aerobics. I really wanted to be her friend. Actually, I really, really wanted to be her extra special friend but I had to hold back a little so I didn't come off like the needy, lonely exchange student that I was. Still, I felt quite jealous about the daily phone calls she had with Emmett. Emmett was a happy guy but when Bella was on the phone his face would light up even more brightly and he giggled like a schoolgirl at all their private jokes. What were they talking about?

On Friday evening as we were watching Dr. Phil, Emmett's phone rang.

"_Hey baby girl." _

"_Not much. I'm so fucking tired from this week." _

"_Yeah, college is exhausting. I am too tired for sex tonight, honey."_

Emmett started giggling like a little girl.

"_You know you do!"_

Emmett continued to giggle like a little girl.

"_Fuck, you have a Hell of a mouth on you, you now that?"_

"_I dunno. She and Alice went to see some horror film on the Ave. You know I can't handle that gory shit." _

"_Yeah."_

"_Yeah, I would have to climb in with Danny Boy and have him hold me all night."_

Emmett laughed so hard he was grabbing his crotch, presumably to keep from urinating in his pants. I was consumed with envy.

"_Just come over and we'll make it a love sandwich. He looks hungry."_ He said as he looks at me and smiles.

"_Hurry up tonight is enchilada night…OK, see you in a few."_

Emmett hung up the phone and turned to me. "Bella's coming over to take us out to dinner."

Bella looked flustered when she arrived and I immediately saw why. Jessica was right behind her.

"Hello Bella!" I said with an enthusiastic smile.

"Hey Daniel, I am glad you're here!" Bella looked genuinely happy to see me. My heart was soaring.

I turned. "Good evening Jessica." I didn't particularly care for the girl, but I still wanted to be cordial and she had warmed up to me a bit over the week.

Emmett grabbed Bella in a quick bear hug. "I missed you, Baby Girl!"

"You saw me yesterday in class." She replied dryly.

"Yeah, but it wasn't a social visit. Besides, I'm lonely for some sexy female companionship since my girlfriend abandoned me for the evening," Emmett pouted. _Hmmm, Emmett really flirts a lot. I should try that out with the ladies on the internet._

"Well, you'll just have to settle for me." Bella rolled her eyes.

"Hey beautiful, there is no setting for nothing in my world." He kissed her on the cheek and squeezed her again. Emmett then turned to Jessica and gave her a quick, solemn "Hey."

In that moment, Bella walked over and bumped my shoulder

"Are you hungry?"

"Oh yes, I'm hungry like a wolf."

"Then let's go get you fed!" she wrapped her hand around my arm.

"What's that? Are those toys?" Jessica was perusing my shelves.

"Um…just a few of my favorite action figures," I sighed.

After staring at them a few moments she blurted out "Oh my God. Who is the old lady? Is that your Grandma?"

"That's Daniel's Nan and she's a sweet lady," Emmett jumped in, and I was incredibly grateful.

I looked at the carpet. "Actually, she _was _a sweet lady. She died a few weeks ago," I said quietly while rubbing my eyes under my glasses.

Emmett put a hand on my shoulder. "Oh dude, I'm sorry…I didn't realize."

"Oh, that's too bad," Jessica offered with fake sincerity.

Bella shifted behind me and put her hands on my arms. "I am so sorry, Daniel," she gently said. She started rubbing up and down but I was too sad to savor the feeling of her big warm hands. I would have to think about those later.

"Your Nan sounded like a terrific lady," she quietly spoke. She must have been remembering out conversation in the pool.

"Yeah," I smiled. "Come on let's go grab some dinner before Emmett faints from hypoglycemia."

"I'm not hungry. I just tagged along to keep you guys company," offered Jessica.

"Gee thanks! Where is Douche Bag, anyways?" Emmet stared at the wall.

"MIKE," she emphasized, "is at a fraternity function tonight!"

"Uh huh. What a shame!" They glared at each other narrowed eyes and I could almost hear the whistling sound of a standoff from an old western film.

Bella quickly dragged me out of the room and I willingly let her. She could pull me in any direction she wanted and I would gladly follow. Tonight however, I couldn't wait to show her our beautiful salad bar. I was also secretly grateful to Jessica for occupying Emmet so that I could have a few moments alone with Bella.

After grabbing our enchiladas, we set our plates down and walked over to the veggie buffet.

"Look Bella, we have three kinds of lettuce: Romaine, Spinach, and mixed greens!"

I could tell she was impressed. She piled her spinach and mixed greens high with garbanzo beans, peas, chopped eggs and… bacon bits. YESSS! I knew I was right. She even put three of those cute little baby corns on the side. Seeing her conscientious attention to protein made me adore her even more.

"This is great, Daniel!" she exclaimed.

"You should come over anytime. I would be happy to escort you if you ever needed company." Perhaps next time I would offer to make it for her. Maybe it was because of her impromptu visit for dinner, or the fact that I was feeling extremely libidinous, but I was feeling quite confident that I could make her the perfect salad if she wanted me to. I knew that if she would give me the chance, I could prepare a smorgasbord of oral delights for her. I would take all the time it needed to get it just right.

As always I made a little rainbow of veggies on my plate and poured on a bit of Italian dressing. Jessica's salad consisted of spinach, chopped eggs, and no dressing. _How can that possibly be enough to sustain her?_

I looked over at Emmett and saw him staring down at his hot beef enchilada. Bella glanced over at the same time and read my mind.

"Yo, Hot Stuff! Get your ass over here and eat something raw!" Bella's potty mouth simultaneously shocked, intrigued, and thrilled me.

Emmett pushed his chair back while still looking down and slowly walked over, looking like a petulant child. He made a small salad of romaine lettuce and smothered it in ranch dressing. On the side he had some red gelatin.

"Would you like to try some baby corn? They are really cute and tasty!" I smiled, trying to look encouraging. I whispered, "You know the items in the back have less chance of being touched by anyone, and the sneeze guards here make it impossible for anybody to breathe on it."

"Yeah…Alright. I'll try one." He sounded wary. "Throw a couple on the plate." he said as if his masculinity was being challenged.

We all sat down and enjoyed our hearty meal. Well, in the case of Jessica, it was a very light meal. There was nothing like watching Bella lick cheese off her lips.

"Man these are cute!" Emmett held up his baby corn and plopped it in his mouth. He continued with his mouth full, "Mmm…tasty". _Four items from the salad bar down, ninety six more to go!_

"Do you guys know how much fat and calories are in those enchiladas?" Jessica said out of nowhere, staring at our plates.

"Um…No?" I replied in question.

"Oh God, here we go!" Emmett dropped his fork.

"That shit is not good for you. Bella, you really shouldn't be eating that." Jessica turned to me and smiled, "So Daniel, how are you liking Seattle? Biology is so hard, isn't it?"

"Um…" I didn't know what to say and I really didn't want to have this conversation with her. "Biology is great. The lectures are fascinating and I have a terrific laboratory partner. The best, actually." I smiled at Bella and her face went from cloudy to partly sunny. "And Seattle is lovely, I have been making some wonderful new friends," I continued as I kept looking at Bella and glanced over at Emmett. He put his fist out like he was going to hit me but he smiled. I quickly recognized it as a "bro-fist" and bumped it back. _Yay, I just got fisted!_

The rest of our meal was fairly quiet after that but the girls refused to join Emmett and I for dessert. How could they deny themselves a piece of creamy lemon cake?

That night when we were nestled in bed, I decided to broach the unspoken topic.

"Emmett, I don't mean to be intrusive but what's wrong with Jessica?"

"She's a toxic bitch."

"What? Why?"

"You know the type. She's got really low self-esteem. She needs to pick at what she perceives as other girl's vulnerabilities to feel good about herself. She is a supportive when Bella is having a hard time but as soon as something good happens to Bella, Jessica subtly puts her down. And every fucking time she's called on it, she uses the excuse 'I just care about you,'" he added in a high pitched voice.

"That's awful." She sort of reminded me of my own mum.

"I just wish Bella would realize this and kick her to the curb. You can imagine how pissed I was that Bella and Jessica became roommates. Whenever I try to talk about it with her, Bella is all 'but she's there for me when I'm down.'" _Was Bella down often?_

"Of course, that's only when it's convenient for Jessica. It's not like Bella is always down or anything, but she had a hard time when she broke up with her boyfriend last summer. Rose and Alice went to Europe and I was fishing up in Alaska with my uncle so we weren't there in Forks with her." Emmett started chuckling. "Plus, I guess it hurt her feelings when we called him the 107 year old virgin, but dude, we couldn't help it. He was so fucking annoying." _Who was this guy? I was dying of curiosity._

I didn't want to be obvious with my affection for Bella, so I didn't press that point.

"Bella seems like a very nice, intelligent girl and I'm sure she can sort out the situation," I offered.

"Man, I hope so because I hate having Jessica around," he said.

"I can't say I blame you, mate."

Emmett knocked on the bunk. "Hey, thanks for being so sweet to Bella."

"No need to thank me, she's a wonderful girl!" I added enthusiastically.

"Yeah, she fucking is. I tend to go all grizzly bear in my protectiveness of her."

That night I kept thinking about Bella's large beautiful hands. I tried to make my left hand go numb by holding it under my bum. This way I could hold my penis and pretend that is was her. I couldn't make any movements since Emmett was lying below me, but it was still comforting. I fell asleep with my hand in my pants pondering the fact that even if I could earn Bella's affection, I had to be deemed worthy by Emmett.

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**A/N: You ever go to water aerobics? Did you know a girl like Jessica back in high school or college? Man, I sure did!**

**Links to blogs and goodies on the main page. This week we have Daniel's take on Oscar fashions, the official drink of the Danielgaleh00rs, and the infamous Lick-Me-Daniel knickers. The Scrapbook has been updated with pictures of Bella and Daniel's swim suits.**

**This week I would like to give a huge thanks to Kristi28 who chose this story and hosted it for The Fic Bridge blog #readalong! The super AWESOME set up this blog to host readalongs on Twitter. They are like a reading party and lots of fun! Check them out for a schedule of events. **(linked on main page)

**I would also like to thank Sue (Roselover24) over at the So You Think You Can Write blog for her interview.** (linked on main page)

* Feel free to email me with questions.*

**Thank you so much for your lovely reviews!**


	10. Feminine Hygeine Products

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. I'm just having a little naughty fun.****This story is rated M for a very good reason.**

**To my lovely betas, Rosmarina and Bookgeek80: Thank you so much!**

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**Chapter 9 - Feminine hygiene products

Theme Song – Push It by Salt'N'Peppa

On Saturday morning I walked to the bathroom to take a long hot shower and relieve myself of my morning arousal. As I dried off with my towel, I noticed that I also had a case of seborrheaic dermatitis all over my private area. I suspected it was the Axe liquid soap that Emmett insisted I should use. To treat my nether dandruff condition, I got back in the shower to rewash with my prescription dandruff shampoo. As I began to lather up down there, that familiar post-ejaculatory aching turned into burning. My scrotum were on fire! _Aaaaaah!_ I quickly turned the water on cold. My privates felt better instantly, but my body was freezing.

I put my pajamas back on, greeted Carlisle and Amy as they brushed their teeth at the sinks, then rushed back into my room. I knew I would need to change soap, but in the mean time, my gonads were still burning. I quickly got on Twitter to see if any of my new female friends knew what to do. The lovely AngryBadgerGirl quickly responded and suggested I use oatmeal. _Can't go wrong with a natural product. _So I took a packet of Emmett's sugar'n'spice instant oatmeal, made a paste and applied it. My new 'scrotemeal' treatment instantly cooled me of, but it took days to finally get it all out of my pubic hair.

Later that morning, Emmett came back to our room.

"Danny boy, I am heading over to the Ave. You want to go?"

"Yeah, sure. I need to go to the chemist."

"Perfect! That's where I'm going."

I grabbed my sweater and put on my messenger bag as we walked out the door.

"Grab a basket." He commanded with a smile as we entered Bartell's Drug Store. "So we can put our stuff in it. Now where do they keep that shit?"

"What are we looking for?"

"You know…some sort of girly cream for _down there_."

"Vaginal dryness?" I asked and adjusted my glasses.

"Uh…no. She's got a yeast thing."

"Oh, a yeast infection?"

"Yeah."

"In her vagina?" I scratched my head.

"Yes! Shhhhh." He put his finger in front of his mouth.

"Well, those medications are usually near the feminine hygiene products in England. Let's just ask where they are kept."

"Fuck no dude, we can find it ourselves. Just look for a bunch of pastel colors and shit."

We walked up and down the aisles and I found the soap section. Emmett grabbed another bottle of Axe and tossed it in the basket. "Chicks love it when I shower with _Dark Temptation_." I wondered how he managed to use so much. I shower every day, in addition to showering after my rigorous workouts, and I still had half a bottle left.

"I've been meaning to tell you. I think the Axe is irritating my skin. I am going to switch to bar soap. You can have my bottle."

"Thanks man!" He paused and sniffed my neck. "But dude, that stuff makes you smell so good and manly. The chicks love it!"

I wished I found that confidence that Emmett possessed by using a heavily scented shower gel, but alas I did not. I certainly didn't want to discuss my scrotal flakes. "It irritates my delicate skin."

"Oh shit." Emmett frowned.

"I don't think the _chicks_ care as long as I smell clean." I threw in a bar of vegan-friendly lemon verbena soap from France.

Emmett looked at my selection and giggled.

"Studies have shown that women like a man who smells like citrus fruit." I shrugged.

"Dude, you are too funny."

I turned around. "Oh look, we're already here in the feminine hygiene products."

Emmett kept staring at the soap. "Cool, just grab something that has the word yeast on it."

"Wow," I was perplexed. "Vagisil makes a lot of feminine products. Has Rosalie gone to the gynecologist to make sure that is what's wrong with her vagina?"

"Nah, she's had it enough times to know what's going on _down there_."

"Alright, well this one should do it. It says on the package that this will cure it within 7 days."

"Thanks man." Emmett pretended to peruse the bubble bath on the bottom shelf. "Does that mean I have to go a week without sex?"

"I suspect so."

"Damn! Eh, while we are here I also need you to grab some maxi-pads."

"Well what is her flow like?" I perused the plethora of menstrual products. "Heavy or Light? Does she need overnight protection? How about wings; does she like wings?"

"Fuck me, I don't know," He loudly whispered. "Just grab something. Anything!"

"Hey guys!" We both looked up to see Carlisle.

"Hey man," Emmett said in a low, masculine voice.

Carlisle looked around and lowered his voice. "I uh…I think we're here for the same reason. Look, if I give you a twenty, will you throw an extra box of tampons in your basket? You can keep the change."

"Absolutely!" I said with glee. I had already gauged that a box of tampons was only seven dollars. I would make a 13 dollar profit!

"Fucking Amy thinks that just because we sleep together now and then that I should be running out buying her shit."

"Well, it seems like a small price to pay for allowing you access to her lady bits," I added sensibly.

"Touché, my brother." He gave me the bro-fist, handed me a twenty, and walked away.

I turned to Emmett. "Do you think Rosalie would like some tampons as well?"

Emmett groaned and put his head in his hands. "I hate doing this shit. Just throw some in."

"You know Emmett, I think you need an attitude adjustment. If I had a girlfriend as sweet, loving and…" What was the word? "_open-minded_ as Rosalie, I would be thrilled to buy all the vaginal creams and feminine hygiene products that she required. When you walk up to purchase these items, stand proud. You are a man purchasing the items necessary to take care of your woman's intimate feminine needs." I punched him in the arm with a big smile.

"Shit man, you really have a way of putting things into perspective."Emmett looked pensive.

When we got back to our dorm room, Emmett and I were going through our purchases. Right at the time I had a box of Vagisil in one hand and tampons in the other, Bella walked in. I knew this didn't look good.

Her hair was a mess and her bosom was heaving. She was out of breath. Bella smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Hey guys!"

"Uh…Rosalie has a vaginal yeast infection and these tampons are for Amy," I quickly blurted out.

"Yeah," Emmett looked down at his large package of maxi-pads. "These are for Rosalie," he said quietly.

Bella nodded her head pensively.

"Well, I have good news. I got a job!"

"That's wonderful! Congratulations!" I was equally elated at both the change of subject and Bella's news.

"Yeah congrats, Baby Girl." Emmett tossed aside the package and grabbed Bella in a bear hug. _Lucky Bastard! _"Where? On campus? Watcha gonna do?" He asked with his arm _still_ around her.

"I got a position at the circulation desk at the natural sciences library. It's so cool. I'll have to do a little shelving but working the desk will be great. Hopefully I can do some homework at the same time!"

"That sounds great!" I added.

"Yeah, the only drawback is that the hours are varied and sometimes I'll need to work until eleven or midnight."

"Hey baby, I don't want you working so late." Emmett expressed my unvoiced concern.

"Well, I need the job and I have to start somewhere." Bella shrugged.

Emmett looked over at me and rubbed his manly jaw. "Give me your schedule, and I will come pick you up when you have to work late."

I looked her straight in the eye. "I quite like studying at Allen Library, so it would be no trouble at all for us to make sure that one of us is _always_ there to pick you up and walk you home. You cannot walk around campus alone at night, Bella. It isn't safe at all." I insisted.

"Well, OK." She added timidly, "I start tonight. Could one of you come pick me up?"

"Absolutely!" I jumped in before Emmett had a chance to say anything. I looked over at him and he smiled.

"Alright, I'll see you at circulation at 10pm? Saturday nights are pretty slow and they close early."

"I shall be there." I tried to channel my inner Pierce Brosnan and give her my Piercing stare. He was the epitome of coolness. Nan loved him! Bella tilted her head and smiled back.

Emmett then interrupted what I hoped was a moment of understanding between Bella and myself.

"Hey Baby Girl, can we borrow the bug? I need to make a Costco run."

"Sure. Good luck getting it started."

"I think us manly men can handle it," Emmett replied in his deep voice.

She tossed him the keys. "I'm going downtown with Alice anyways. By the way," she had a devilish grin. "Bring me back a case of maxi pads. Regular with wings if they have 'em." _So she prefers the kind with wings. I will keep that in mind for future reference._

As suspected the bug was dead. "Something is wrong with the battery or something. Let's push it."

"Push it real good," I replied with my outdated popular culture reference. Emmett laughed and mumbled something that sounded like "crazy fucker!" and slapped me on the back.

We got the bug started by fiddling with the battery under the back seat and pushing it down the hill just outside Bella's dorm. "So where are we going?"

"Costco. I am going to teach you the ways of women, Danny Boy." _Oh God, what now?_ I knew we had Costco in the UK but I had never been to one.

After a 30 minute drive, we parked at the outer edge of the car park. "Don't even bother trying to get closer. This place is a fucking mad house on Saturdays."

"Why?" I asked.

"It's free sample day. And if you don't get filled up with the freebies, we can stop by the snack bar for a foot long and a Coke for just a buck fifty."

"Sounds great, but what does this have to do with learning the ways of women?"

"Oh Grasshopper, watch and learn. But first, grab a cart. Let's get our shit first."

I quickly grabbed the behemoth shopping trolley. Emmett showed this his member ship card and we headed straight towards the back.

"So Emmett, what do you need to pick up in large quantities?" He showed me his list.

_Nuts_

_Sausages_

_Buns_

_Hand sanitizer_

To the list I added _Maxi-pads, regular with wings_.

After picking up our desired items, Emmett hid the gigantic box of sanitary napkins underneath the sausages and buns. By my calculations, this was a very good deal. We walked up to an old lady with a tray of _taquitos_. He grabbed one and winked at me. "Ma'am these are so good. You really know how to cook these babies up." He eyed her seductively and flashed her his charming smile. The woman laughed. "Mind if I grab another? I'm starving" He lifted his t-shirt just enough to pat his stomach and show off his rock hard abdominal muscles.

The woman gulped and handed him three more. "Come on back around when I nuke the next batch."

As we walked away Emmett placed a hand on my shoulder and explained, "Did you see that? I brought you here to practice your flirtation skills. First you need to smile and offer a sincere compliment the woman. Then you show them what they're missing. Now I know you're a little shy, so I figured the instant reward of a Scooby snack would help motivate you to get your game on. Besides, these women are easy to impress. Look there are some fresh brownies over there."

I walked up to the matronly woman and grabbed a brownie. "Oh, these are delicious. Did you bake them yourself?"

She rolled her eyes and seemed annoyed. "Yeah, kid. Right here in my little oven," she gestured. Alright, that didn't go so well.

I then tried the friendly looking woman with the mini chicken cordon bleu's. I took a bite and winked. "Oh, such delicious chicken breast."

"Is something wrong with your eye?" She glared.

"Oh, it's just an astigmatism." I shyly replied and walked away defeated.

Emmett jogged up behind me. "Emmett, this was a bad idea."

"Hey Danny Boy, it's OK. Maybe flirting is not your thing. You know what? I bet you just being your usual charming self is just fine with the ladies." He gently patted my back. "Looks like I need to get my game on so I can get free food for the both of us."

Once Emmett was finished charming the free sample ladies, we purchased our items. I proudly threw in the thirteen dollars I received form Carlisle to help pay for Bella's feminine napkins. On our way out of the door, we found a little bit more space for some kielbasas at the snack before heading home. I wasn't really hungry after our walking feast but who could pass up a dollar fifty sausage that comes with a free Coke?

Back at Bella's dormitory, I ran Bella's items up to her room. Emmett decided to wait for me in the bug so that I could help him haul the rest of the purchases over to our room. I knew Bella wasn't home, but I hoped that someone in her cluster would be so I could drop off the large case.

"Daniel, how nice to see you." Unfortunately, it was Jessica. No wonder Emmett stayed in the car.

"Um… I-I just came to drop these off for Bella. Emmett and I went to Costco."

"Wow," she laughed. "You must really like Bella to go out buying cases of maxi-pads for her."

"Oh, I do. She is a wonderful girl! I'd do anything I could to help her out." I said enthusiastically.

"Huh…well you know I think you are kinda cute." She ran her index finger up my chest and along my throat.

"OK, well here you go. Thanks," I replied and walked away. _That was creepy._

Emmett and I grabbed the rest of the items and headed home.

After dinner, I decided to head on over to the library and study. There was a party going on but all I could think about was Bella working so hard on Saturday night instead of having fun like everyone else. I let Emmett know where I was going to be.

"Come on man. You need to relax. Why don't you stay and party. Tina over there has been eyeing you all week. I bet she'd love to get up close and personal. I can go pick up Bella at ten." He offered.

"Really, I think I would rather just go and study. I have an early midterm exam coming up for my psychology lecture. So it's no problem. Besides, I already promised Bella and I like to keep my word."

"Okay, cool." He gave me the bro-fist.

I loaded up my messenger bag and walked to the library.

I saw Bella assisting people in checking out their books. _She looks so beautiful when she smiles._ She really seemed to enjoy her job. When she looked up I gave her the thumbs up and a smile to let her know I was there so she wouldn't worry about getting home. I wanted to avoid intruding on her work though, so I decided to go up and give her a quick salutation and then walk upstairs to a study carrel.

"Daniel, you didn't have to come so early to get me."

"No Bella, I came early to study I have a psychology exam coming up. Get this: it's one hundred true or false questions. They don't even expect most students to finish the exam. So, I really need to prepare early."

"That's awful." She wrinkled her cute little nose.

"Yes it is. I suppose in a class of 600 students they need to make it as easy as possible for grading. Anyhow, I couldn't even think of studying in my room. It's quite loud over there right now." I gave a nonchalant chuckle. I wanted Bella to see me as a laid back sort of bloke.

As we walked back to Bella's dormitory, she told me all about her new job and how she was lucky that she got plenty of desk time. Students who want the optimal day time hours had to spend their shifts restacking books instead of studying.

At the front doors of McMahon Hall, Bella thanked me again. _Be a man Daniel. Make your move. Tell her how you feel._

"Bella, I appreciate you letting me walk you home. I really enjoy spending time with you." She smiled and stared into my eyes.

She leaned in. "You do?"

"Very much so," I replied. I adjusted my glasses but I wasn't sure what to do next. After a few moments, I got nervous. "Oh… by the way, I left your maxi-pads with Jessica."

Bella blinked several times as if coming out of a trance. "Um, thank you." She looked away. "Thanks for coming to the library and walking me home."

"Anytime, Bella. I'll always be here to pick you up. Call me anytime!" I tried to salvage the situation.

She looked back and smiled, then walked in. _Way to go, Daniel._ I walked back to my room, once again feeling a bit despondent.

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**A/N: Do you ever embarrassed buying feminine hygiene products? I still do! **

**Links to blogs and goodies on the main page! You can see the whole cast in the Daniel's scrapbook. Let me know if you'd like to see something specific. (Other than Daniel's uncut penis, Kimpy0464) **

**Make sure you have me on author alert if you want to get notification of extras that I post. This week I posted Daniel Gale: Cum-Shots – oddball outtakes and alternative POVs. Cumming Online was enthusiastically embraced by you h00rs (Thank you so much!).**

**Would you like to co-write something with me for the outtakes? The possibilities are endless!**

* Feel free to email me with questions, comments or dirty fantasies. I love talking to you!*

**Reviews are greatly appreciated!**

**

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****I haven't been reading much at all since I started writing but these stories rock my world. So if you want to try something new, check these out: **

**Potential** by **Rosmarina** Those of you who follow me on Twitter know I love this sweet story about beefy Emmett and intellectual Edward falling in luv. HOTT!

**Falling for the First Time** by **Snowwhiteheart** If you like geeks, and I know you do because that is why you are here, you have to read this one! Great twist on the geekward genre. Hilarious!


	11. Bella's Bedding and Knickers

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. I'm just having a little pervy fun. This story is rated M because Daniel frequently plays with himself.**

**Thank you so much to Rosmarina and Bookgeek80 for their opinions and edits. **

**Special note: **I'll be having some house guests next week. It will take me a little longer to reply to reviews and PMs. In addition, I won't have the chance to write for the next several days so please be patient, my little darlings.

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Chapter 10 – Bella's Bedding and Knickers

Theme song – Heroes by Davie Bowie

The following week was busy with school and my sporting activities. I even started writing a sensible advice column for The Daily, our campus newspaper. I continued to see Bella in Biology and water aerobics (the highlight of my week) but I couldn't help but feel as though I had been messing things up. She was so sweet and beautiful and friendly and perfect but I wasn't sure if she liked me in the same way I liked her. Actually, that would have been impossible because I worshipped her. I suppose I didn't ask her out because I was a coward and afraid of rejection. At least by being her friend, I had still had a smidgen of hope. So I tried to be content with being her friend. Only I wasn't.

I wanted to ask Bella out on a proper date, but I kept thinking back to when I liked this girl back in Guildford a couple of years ago. Her name was Tanya. Some of the guys kept telling me that she fancied me and I should ask her to the spring dance. Once I finally got up the nerve to do it, she just laughed and told me to fuck off. She called me a loser. Part of me was still waiting for my new friends at McCarty Hall to do the same. I tiny voice kept telling me _It's just a matter of time_. Mostly though, I felt like I sort of fit in. Nobody seemed to mind my eccentricities. Still, I did find myself retreating a bit into the internet.

Late Sunday morning I was tweeting away on the computer. Emmett walked back into the room while on his cell phone. I gave him a little wave.

"Yeah, I'll talk to you later," he said just before hanging up.

"Danny boy, whatcha doing?" Emmett was standing behind me in his fuzzy blue bathrobe.

"Just conversing with my Twitter friends."

"And how many of these friends are chicks?"

"All but five," I said as I let my followers know it was omelet day in the cafeteria.

"Dude, you have almost 800 female followers? Well shit, you are doing something right. I only have 19 and two of them are my parents. Are you sending out nude pictures of yourself or something?"

"Of course not. I haven't had any taken recently." I smiled. "I've just been following your advice: introducing myself and giving compliments. I have over 300 Facebook friends as well. Women on the internet just seem to like me for some reason. Look here." I opened up my secret folder that contained the photographs that women sent to me. "These two here are my favorites. Look closely, their nipples are pierced! Last weekend my friend Jean held Tits and Ass Sunday for me where my special friends changed their profile pictures into pictures of bums and bosoms."

Emmett seemed impressed. "Fuck me! You are the Mac Daddy of Twitter, Danny Boy." He patted me on the shoulder.

"No, they just think I'm cooler than am. Half of them follow me because they think I wear a yellow Speedo. I mean it's not like girls in real life like me."

"Dude, how many times do I have to tell you? The chicks around here all think you're nerdalicious." I didn't believe him.

I fiddled with my glasses and turned around to face Emmett as he sat on the bed with his legs spread apart. _Dear God, please don't let the King Cobra poke out to say hello._

"There is only one girl I am really interested in and she is way out of my league." I couldn't tell Emmett that this girl was Bella.

"Is this a girl you want to bone or a girl you want to hold hands with and take out to chick flicks?"

"Oh, I would love to take her on a proper date…and bone her too if she wanted me to."

Emmett sighed. "Danny Boy, some old philosophizer once said that you should teach a dude how to fish instead of giving him a fish so he could survive out in the wilderness. I could give you a fish but I'm not going to because you need to catch it yourself. And quite frankly, I'm trying to help you set up your tackle box because I don't really need to teach you how to fish if you would just stick your pole into the stocked pond. And sometimes the hike to the pond is just as important as the fishing experience. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down?"

"I beg your pardon?" I was totally confused.

Emmett stretched his neck. "Alright." He thought for a moment. "Have you let her know how you feel? You need to assert your manliness. Show her that you are an alpha male." He stopped and looked at the ceiling. "Here's the tricky part in your situation: Once you do that, you usually need to reel it back in and wait a few minutes. Like fishing. You ever go fishing?"

I nodded. "A few times in Scotland with my grandfather."

Emmett proceeded to stand up. "Okay, so you drop the bait. Let her see it…sniff it…perhaps even taste it, metaphorically speaking of course. Unless you're smooth fucker, but you're not there yet. Anyway, you then give her some space. Let her miss it, let her chase it a little. But in your case, you're starting to frustrate the fish because you don't leave your pole in long enough."

I was impressed. "Emmett you really sound like you know what you're talking about."

"No not, really. I've just watched a lot of old Remington Steele episodes."

"Oh, Pierce is the man! Nan and I used to watch those old repeats all the time."

"He is so cool. He totally still has it, and he's like super old!"

"I wish I was that smooth."

"Dude, you totally could be, you just have to have some confidence. Now go chase your mystery babe," he said as he punched me in the shoulder and walked out of the room.

I decided to take a nap instead and perhaps try to figure out what the hell Emmett was talking about.

_Bad boys, bad boys_, _whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?_

Where was that music coming from?

_Bad boys, bad boys_, _whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?_

I realized it was coming from Emmett's mobile phone. I thought it would be clever to have my ring tone sound like a real telephone. Wouldn't people be surprised when they heard it and I pulled a tiny little cell phone out of my messenger bag? Then again, in the few days that I had my phone, no one had called so I couldn't test it out. But perhaps Emmett's ring tone was more clever. No wonder he was such a hit with the ladies! Emmett wasn't in the room, so I answered it for him.

"Hello?"

"Emmett come over here right now…please!" It was Bella and she sounded horribly frightened.

"Bella, it's Daniel. What's the matter?"

"Oh shit, get over here right now! He's HUGE and he is sitting on my bed!"

"Alright, love, are you safe now? Try to stay calm." I tried to be reassuring.

"Yes, I am hiding in the bathroom." She began to whisper.

"I'm on my way," I said as I threw on my combat boots. Still in my plaid pajamas, I ran over to her dormitory, and up six flights of stairs. I got to her cluster (group of dorms rooms that share a common bathroom and living area) in a couple of minutes. I was totally winded.

"Bella," I knocked softly. "Let me into the flat."

She opened the door and wrapped her arms around me. "Thank God you're here, Daniel! I shut the door, he's still in there. I don't know where everyone else is right now."

"Is it your old boyfriend?" I really didn't want to meet this bloke. Was he back to regain her affections? What did this scoundrel do to frighten her? "Bella did he hurt you in any way?"

"No, no, of course not. It's a big fucking spider." She seemed calmer. "A huge one. I-I don't think I have ever seen one this big. He was sitting on my bed staring at me with his evil eyes."

"Oh bloody Hell." I let out a big of relief. I didn't like spiders either but I would gladly man up and kill one for Bella. This was the perfect chance to demonstrate that I was, indeed, an alpha male.

First, I needed to calm down my damsel in distress. I patted her arm. "It's alright, Bella. I'm here now and I will take care of him. You wait right here."

"Don't take care of him, just kill him!"

I knew that in the Pacific Northwest of the United States there were very few poisonous spiders, but still, I did not want a wee little spider causing Bella any anxiety. I grabbed some toilet paper and walked into her room. I didn't see him on her bed. I reckoned this could take a while.

I looked all over her room but couldn't find him. I noticed that Bella didn't many things. It wasn't very nice of me, but I hoped that maybe he had settled over on Angela's side. I walked back out to find Bella.

"Bella, the little fellow must've gone home now. I think he's done harassing you." I smiled.

Bella shook her head. "Don't patronize me! I'm not going back in there until he's dead." She paused. "You have to find him. He is really big and scary. Did you look in the sheets?"

I walked back in and as I was considering whether or not I should just pretend to catch the spider, I lifted the duvet –

"OH FUCKING HELL!" I ran out of her room. I cowered next to Bella. "No wonder you've got a case of the willies."

The _wee little spider_ had a three inch leg span and long hair. I could almost make out all of it's eyes.

"I told you! Did you think I was making this shit up?"

"I just…I-I didn't expect that. Bloody hell, she's huge!" No wonder Bella was so panicked. I slowly regained my composure. "Bella, please accept my apologies for using such colorful language." I didn't want her to think I was some sort of coarse ruffian.

"What do you mean _she_?" Bella's eyes got very big.

I tried to explain. "Well, large spiders are often females. The larger size increases fecundity…um, that's the number of eggs they can produce."

"Oh shit! Let's try calling Emmett again." I couldn't let Emmett come in and steal the show, _my_ show.

_You can do this, Daniel._ "I don't know where Emmett is, Bella. That's why I answered his mobile phone. But don't worry, I have everything under control."

"I don't want _her_ under control I want her dead!"

"I can do this." I said aloud, as much to reassure Bella as myself. I looked right at Bella. "Sit tight little mama, Daddy's got to fight!"

I grabbed another handful of toilet paper from the bathroom and marched back into Bella's bedroom.

I am fairly certain _she_ growled at me and that did it. I grabbed the spider with the toilet paper firmly yet gently. I didn't want to squish her and get spider juices all over my hand, although I could feel her squirming in that few seconds it took to run to the bathroom and toss her in the toilet.

I immediately started scrubbing my hands in the sink with the hottest water possible.

I walked out of the bathroom. "It's over now Bella." She was still shaken up.

"I didn't hear a flush. You're not going throw it on me are you?" She recoiled.

"No, no of course not." I shook my head. Poor Bella was so frightened. "I didn't flush so that you could see her go bye-bye. Would you like to watch me flush her down?" I gently put my hand on her arm to try and calm her.

"Okay." Bella had her arms wrapped around herself.

We walked back into the bathroom. Bella was right behind me, using me as a human shield. _God, I hope these spiders don't jump. _There she was, floating on top of the toilet paper.

"Go ahead and flush," she said. We watched the beast swirl away. I then looked at Bella.

"Thank you so much Daniel. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come over. I'm sorry I was so anxious and bitchy. It's just that spiders...uh…I just hate them!" She shivered. Her arms were still crossed in front of her, her hands on her upper arms.

I placed my hands on top of hers. Then I rubbed her upper arms. "It's okay now. It's gone. I'm glad I could be here to help."

Bella dropped her hands to her sides. She was looking at me, really looking at me. That's when I realized I hadn't put on real clothes or combed my hair today. Fortunately, my blaze of insecurity was quickly extinguished.

"I am glad it was you who picked up the phone." Bella smiled and looked down.

I took my glasses off so I could look into her eyes, but then she was completely out of focus due to my astigmatism so I rubbed my eyes and put them back on. I lifted her chin. "Bella, I feel very…_protective_ of you."

Bella was breathing was shaky. I wanted to look down and get captured in the gaze of her bosom but I felt that would be rude, so I just stared into her big chocolate orbs. The moment became very serious.

"Bella…you should probably wash those sheets. In case _she_ laid eggs."

Bella blinked several times. "I hadn't thought about that. Fuck, that's disgusting!"

"I have an idea. Do you have spare sheets and blankets?

Bella nodded.

"Here, I'll strip your bed and wash your bedding for you."

"Um…you don't have to do that."

"Would you rather do it?" I smiled and asked.

"No!" She laughed.

"Then I've got it. No problem!" I smiled and walked to her room. "When Nan was sick, I even learned how to change the bed sheets with her still in the bed."

"You are so sweet, you know that, Daniel?" Bella was leaning against the closet.

"Don't forget strong and manly." I added in jest.

"Oh, I won't!" She raised an eyebrow and smirked.

All of a sudden I felt really happy. I wasn't sure if she was being flirtatious with me because that is the way she is with Emmett or because she was starting to fancy me. Either way I was happy that we were becoming friends. Nan always said that friendship was the first step in a relationship. Would there be a next step? I hoped so.

I gathered everything up. "I will get these back to you tomorrow after class. Alright?"

"That sounds great! Thank you so much." She came up to me, careful not to touch the bedding, placed a hand on my shoulder and kissed my cheek. I was thankful to have the pile in front of me as I walked out sporting a massive erection.

Back in my room, Emmett had finally gotten dressed. I still wasn't.

"Wow, you guys are really casual in England." He cocked his head. "What are you doing with Bella's bedding?"

I explained the spider saga and he nodded knowingly as if he had gone through this before.

"Yup, she is scared shitless of 'em. Her dad Charlie didn't help. He threw one on her a once to try and get her over her fear. He thought he was so hilarious, the jackass. So she started calling me." He shrugged. "That old house they live in is full of them. He needs to fucking spray or something. He is such a cheapskate."

"That's awful." I looked at my feet.

"Dude, I am spending the night at Rosalie's so you have the place to yourself." He gathered up his backpack and clothes.

"Have fun!" I looked up and waved. _Lucky man._

"You know, that means I won't be back. That means you are going to be all alone." He lowered his voice. "Totally alone, my friend. I have goodies in my third desk drawer."

"Great. Thanks! Say Hello to the girls." I gave him a little salute.

I then spent the afternoon doing laundry and studying. I was in for quite a lovely surprise when I found a large pair of black satin knickers in with Bella's bedding. They must have been amongst her sheets when I stripped her bed. _Bella doesn't have a boyfriend._ _Why would a girl take her knickers off while she's alone in bed? _After folding up Bella's sheets and duvet, I looked around the room to see if anyone else was around. Knowing I was alone, I held the knickers up to my cheek. They were so soft. I smiled thinking about the silken fabric up against Bella's bum and lady bits. I then gave them a little kiss, folded them up, and discretely placed them between Bella's folded sheets.

When I came back to my room, I was hungry for a snack. I had hoped Emmett would some cookies or crisps in his desk but what I found was something entirely different. His "goodie" drawer was full of condoms, chocolate syrup, maple syrup, honey, and various lubricants. I even found three pairs of handcuffs. _Where the hell did he get these? They look real!_ As soon as I thought that surely I must have opened the wrong drawer, I got an idea.

I stripped naked and folded my clothes. I dragged Bella's purple duvet up to my bunk along with a box of tissues and a tiny capsule of "Boy Butter" sexual lubricant. I turned down the lights and wrapped myself up in the blanket. Naked, I tried to imagine what it would be like to share a bed with her. I rubbed the "Boy Butter" all over my erection paying special attention up under my foreskin to make it nice and moist in there. As I pumped vigorously, I imagined Bella on top of me, sheathing my penis with her hot vagina. I felt sort of naughty doing this in her duvet, but that only added to my excitement. Perhaps if she found out she would slap me. The thought of Bella roughly bouncing up and down on my pole and then slapping me for being a bad boy was all it took for me to cum all over my stomach.

The next day in biology class, I was sitting next to Bella as usual. Just like last week, I made sure to situate myself on the side of her opposite of Jessica. Every now and then if I looked toward that side of the room Jessica would smile at me. I tried to smile back, just to be cordial, but I preferred the old days when she was just plain rude to me.

Just as I was feeling guilty and starting to feel like a total perv for giving myself pleasure whilst wrapped in her bedding, Bella drew a picture for me in her margin of a little smiling spider. I promptly drew a smiling spider with glasses. The simulated squishing of said spider with my thumb elicited the cutest little giggle from Bella.

That afternoon we arranged for Bella to stop by my room to pick up her bedding. I offered to bring it over to her but she wouldn't allow it, saying I had done so much already.

"Hey Daniel!" Bella popped her head in.

"Bella…Hey!" I knew she was coming but my heart still jumped. "Here's your bedding all washed and folded and…clean." I swear I didn't get _anything_ on her duvet.

"Oh thank you. Thank you so much for everything!" She seemed really nervous as she handed me a box of Smarties. My favorite! "I..um…when I was downtown last weekend with Alice, we saw this cute little shop that specialized in international goods. I noticed that these were from England and thought they would help you feel at home. Um…if you were feeling homesick."

I was touched by her thoughtfulness. She even bought these before the spider incident. I laughed and shook my head. "I'm not homesick at all." I answered honestly. "How did you know these are my favorite sweets?"

"I didn't. I just knew you liked eating foods that come in pretty colors and they reminded me of you."

"Thank you so much. Would you like to share some with me?" I asked. "Chocolate is full of antioxidants and iron, which will increase your immune system and relax your arterial walls. Plus it contains the mystical power of the chemical neurotransmitter, serotonin, which lifts your mood. Um…not that you have been moody. Quite the opposite really. You're always so nice..." I was nervously rambling along.

"Oh no, I can't stay. I have to go to work tonight. Don't worry, Emmett's picking me up." I wished I was picking her up every night. "Um…one last thing. I was…uh…wondering if you might like to go grab some dinner with me on the Ave this Friday and maybe see a movie? There's they French movie playing at the Neptune that I need to see for my French class and um…you don't have to go if you don't want to. I can just go another day." She shook her head and looked at the floor. "But…um do you want to grab dinner though?"

"That sounds great! Everything. I'd love have dinner with you and to see the film too. I love eating. I'll eat anything, really. I'm not a picky eater and dining off campus sounds delightful." I tried to play it cool and contain my enthusiasm.

"Alright then! I'll see you in class tomorrow." Bella smiled.

"Yes. Have fun at work. And feel free to call if you need to."

"Yeah, I will. Ciao!" She left and I was on cloud nine. I was going to go out to dinner and a movie with Bella.

I immediately dug into my box of Smarties, savoring each one. I even took a picture of them for my scrapbook. When I was finished, I flattened the box and placed it under my pillow. It was now one of my most cherished possessions.

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**A/N: Do you have arachnophobia? Do any creatures frighten you? **

**Who caught the line I borrowed from a recent hilarious movie? That character reminds me of our Daniel. :)  
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**Special thanks to all the ladies who sent Daniel pictures of their racks for his scrapbook. Yes, all the boobs that Daniel and mentions are available for you to peruse.  
**

**Soon we should be getting a mystery POV in the cum-shots. Is there a POV you are just dying to read about? Specific events you want to explore? Would you like to co-write something with me for the outtakes? The possibilities are endless!  
**

**Reviews are greatly appreciated!**

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**Since so many of you think that Emmett is gay****, h****ere are some tasty gay Emmett stories for you to help satisfy your appetite. **

Potential by Rosmarina

Unanswered Questions by Sparabella

Love Park by Mac214


	12. Un Film Français

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. I'm just having a little pervy fun. This story is rated M because Daniel frequently plays with himself.**

**Thank you so much to Rosmarina and Bookgeek80 for their mad beta skillz!**

**Special thanks to my husband, MrKitty, for helping with this chapter.  
**

***** _The Ave_ is the local term for University Way, a busy street that runs along the UW campus. It has a lot of cafes, cheap restaurants, vintage clothing stores and a couple of movie theatres. It is mainly a hangout for people associated with the UW as well as a large number of homeless people.

****** No fanfiction story is cumplete without this line.

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Chapter 11 – Un Film Français

Theme Song - So Damn Hot by OK GO!

The rest of the week I was busy with exams. I had a hard time concentrating as I kept thinking about Bella and what we were going to do on Friday. However, we all managed to study hard each night. Emmett and I would hang out together at the library and study our calculus while Bella worked. When Bella had the night off, we then studied for biology.

Soccer practice on Friday was grueling. Emmett said we all needed to get in shape for our first game. So after we finished playing with our balls, he made us jog five laps around the field for physical conditioning. He finished his laps first and then came back to run with us slow pokes. Even when we were all reduced to staggering in exhaustion around the field, he would jog beside each of us and give encouragement, always with a smile. His enthusiasm and energy were impressive.

"Come on Daniel, pump those legs."

"That's what I am talking about, Jenny! Keep it up."

"Hey Gene, do I detect a bit more musculature in those thighs?"

"Martin, I know running is hard on your knees, but some speed walking won't hurt, right? Come on buddy!"

Martin was our goalie. He couldn't run at all due to his large size and bad knees. Fortunately, those attributes made him well suited to being goalie. When balls were coming at him, those that weren't blocked by his size were usually blocked with his surprisingly quick reflexes. Still, Emmett didn't let him slack off in practice. Instead, he tailored a program to help Martin gradually increase his physical fitness. Emmett seemed to have endless patience with us all, and was a master at bringing out our best attributes for the team. I'd never understood the appeal of sports until now.

As soon as we were showering together back at the dorm, Emmett became rather inquisitive.

"So, you and Bella going out tonight?

"Uh yeah…just over to the Ave* to see a film for her French class. We'll probably get some dinner afterward." I tried to sound nonchalant.

"That's cool. Hey man, you want to use some of my Dark Temptation Axe? Once chicks smell a body freshly washed with this shit, resistance is futile." _What? Did Emmett know of my feelings for Bella?_

"I don't think that will be necessary, Emmett. But thank you. I don't think it's that sort of outing."

"It's not? For some reason, I kinda thought you guys liked each other. I mean you hang out a lot." He knocked on the wall between us.

"Why? Did Bella say something?" I asked a little too quickly.

"Uh no, it's not like Bella tells me stuff like that, since that I'm a guy and all." He paused. "Usually girls just talk to other girls about that stuff. It just seems like you guys are kinda cute together, you know." _Did I have Emmett's approval? That would be helpful. Perhaps he'll put in a good word for me, being that he knows me pretty well. On the other hand, what good would it do if Bella didn't like me in that sort of way?_

"Well, I don't think she likes me like that, mate. Besides she's way out of my league." I tried to laugh off the notion. Although I was used to girls having no interest in me, I didn't want to get my hopes up. Bella was so sweet and lovely that it would have been easy to do so.

"Danny Boy, that is so not true. Yes, Bella is an amazing girl and I would break the legs of any asswipe who hurt her," he paused and took a deep breath. "But you are a really good guy and any girl would be lucky to have you as a boyfriend."

"Thanks, Emmett." I smiled. I tried not let my relief and enthusiasm show.

"No problem! Hey, guess what Rose and I are doing tonight." Thankfully he changed the subject before it got too embarrassing.

"Is it enchilada night again?" _Bollocks, I hated to miss that._

"No dude, we're going to a porno!" He whispered, "In a theater. You know they don't have any porno theaters in Forks. Fuck I love Seattle!" I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Well, that sounds…romantic," I said dryly with a chuckle.

"Totally! God, I love my girl."

Emmett and I got out of the showers at the same time and went over to shave. I wore my clean t-shirt, boxer briefs, and a towel wrapped around my waist for decency while Emmett stood there wearing nothing but his shaving cream. He didn't even flinch when Amy came in and walked into a stall.

"Hope you guys don't mind," she said as she started to urinate and made _plop plop_ sounds in the toilet. "I just don't feel like going all the way down the hall."

"Uh..." was all I could manage.

"No problem, honey." Emmett interrupted and gave me a look that indicated I should be quiet. It was customary to ignore the other guys when they were undergoing personal activities in the stalls.

"Hey can Rosalie stay over tonight?" he asked into the mirror. "Alice met some guy from Texas and wants the room to herself."

"Yes, of course. I can just crash on the couch in the hallway." I smiled. I really didn't mind. Emmett had been such a terrific roommate and friend.

"Dude, no way! It's your room too. Just get into your jammies, crawl upon your bunk, and put your earplugs in. No problem, right?"

"You don't mind? You don't want a little privacy?"

"Nah!"

"Rosalie won't mind?"

"Uh…no. Nothing fazes that woman. We'll just be cuddling when you come home anyways. Besides, we all like having you around. Rosalie adores you, man. She thinks you're sweet."

It was nice to know that after my outing with Bella I had what felt like a home to go to. Emmett never made me feel like I was intruding. Of course I tried to discretely give him time alone. I supposed that helped.

I finished getting ready in our room. Since it was getting nippy outside, I decided to put on my brown vest sweater over my crisp white shirt. I wanted to look my best but not too eager. Although fairly busy in the evenings, the Ave was a rather unsavory place. So I attached my wallet to a chain hooked to my skinny black jeans. As I walked out the door, I grabbed my trench coat and a couple of scarves for added warmth. I hoped that maybe one day Bella would like to wear my scarf or perhaps I could knit her one in her favorite color. I just needed to get her to like me first. Tonight, I planned on showing her what a gentleman I could be so that I could then ask her out on a proper date.

Emmett came down the hallway, thankfully covered up in his bathrobe.

"Hey Danny Boy," he said with a fist bump. "Have a great time. I'll see you later."

"You guys have fun too! Give my best to Rosalie," I replied with a little salute.

As I was walking down the hallway, I ran into Carlisle.

"Hey man, you really got me out of a jam last week." He put out his right hand and hooked his fingers in mine, while patting my shoulder. This appeared to be another one of those fancy American handshakes.

"What do you mean?" I was again perplexed.

Carlisle released me and tilted his head. "You know, with the…" he lowered his voice, "lady-stuff."

"Oh! No problem, mate!" I nodded in understanding.

"Dude, you're cool." He started to walk away then turned around and pointed at me. "I owe you one, bro!" _Wow, I was a bro! _I stood a little taller. I was getting along so well with my American peers. _Perhaps deep down inside I was an American_. I felt on top of the world and ready to go see Bella.

I knocked on Bella's cluster door. A girl I had never seen before let me in and pointed me towards the living area.

"She's still getting ready. She'll be right out." She smiled and went into her room.

As I sat on the couch, I could just barely hear the conversation in Bella's room.

"_Well…I'm ready. What do you think?"_ Bella asked.

"_I think it's a bit too tight, hon."_ I could hear Jessica reply in her sticky sweet voice.

"_Shit, you said it looked fine at the store today."_ Bella sounded really frustrated.

"_Maybe it was the lighting. Just wear what you had on earlier. Really, this is no big deal."_

"_But I was wearing a purple UW t-shirt and 5 year old jeans. I really wanted to look nice tonight. Shit!"_ Bella was obviously upset.

I didn't want her to be sad because there was something wrong with her outfit. We were just going to walk over to the Ave. Quite frankly, I didn't think I had ever seen Bella looking anything less than lovely. I bet she looked beautiful in a tight t-shirt stretched across her ample bosom. Plus, she really needed something sensible like a warm sweater. I decided to knock and interrupt their conversation.

"Oh, hi Daniel." Jessica smiled.

"Is Bella-" Bella appeared from behind the door. My mouth dropped and my wide eyes went straight to her delectable cleavage. "H-Hi. I-I really like your b-blouse." I could barely speak. I couldn't believe I was going to dinner and a film with such a gorgeous creature. I kept staring at her immense cleavage. _This woman is going to be the death of me**_, I thought.

"Hi Daniel." Bella looked genuinely happy to see me.

I looked up at her beautiful face. "Are you ready to go? If we leave now, we should get there on time for the previews." I didn't want to rush her, but I also didn't want her to fret over her blouse. It was perfect.

She looked right at Jessica then back at me. "Yeah, I am." Then she grabbed her coat and wrapped her hand around my upper arm. As we walked to the cinema, I tried to keep my bicep flexed so she would think I was muscular and strong.

"Daniel." She started rubbing my arm with her other hand. I loved it when she said my name. "You seem awfully tense, is everything alright?"

"Uh…I think I pulled something in my arm during football practice." I grabbed my bicep. It was the best fib that I could come up with on the spot. I was a terrible liar, but she didn't seem to notice and kept rubbing my arm. It felt incredible. I'd never had anyone touch me like that before.

"You work out so much. You like to keep in shape don't you?" She said with a smile. If I hadn't known better I might have thought she was flirting with me.

"Well, I do try to get in a few workouts each week. Regular exercise has been proven to help keep the mind relaxed and sharp." I smiled and looked at Bella. "I need all the help I can get with calculus, not that biology is easy either."

It felt so good to have such a lovely woman on my arm. I hoped that I might pass by some acquaintances so they could see me walking with Bella. I wanted to give them that knowing look that said, "Yes, this gorgeous creature is with me."

The Neptune was one of those old fashioned cinemas with one giant screen and a balcony.

I tried to buy our tickets, but Bella insisted on paying. I wasn't sure what the local customs were but since it wasn't a date I tried to go along with what she wanted.

"I asked you out, Daniel."

"Then please allow me to pay for treats." I gave her my most dazzling smile.

"Um…alright then." She glanced to the side. She seemed embarrassed but I didn't know why.

I bought a giant bucket of popcorn for us to share in the hope that our hands might touch. It was a bit devious, I know. I decided to not get any chocolate because I had a tendency to make a mess on myself and chocolate all over my lips would not be attractive. I was going to get each of us a drink but Bella mentioned that we would save three dollars if we shared a Bucket-O-Beverage. I wasn't going to argue with that! I didn't know if I should get two straws so I let Bella hold the colossal drink and decide. It took both hands. I was thrilled that she chose just one straw so that we could share.

When we went to sit down, I held the door for her and let her choose where to sit. Having found seats close to the back, I decided to show how chivalrous I was and helped Bella take off her coat. In doing so, I grazed the back of her neck and arms with my fingers, sending a tingle through my body as she shivered. I reckoned it was a bit cold in the cinema, and attributed the small electrical tingle to a combination of dry air and freshly vacuumed carpet. I so badly wanted it to be a sign that we had a special connection though.

After sitting down briefly, she leaned over and whispered. "Daniel, can I crawl past you I need to go pee pee."

"Of course." I stood in the awkward back-leaning crouch-stand that one does while letting people pass in a tight cinema aisle. As she squeezed past me, I could actually feel her hardened nipples brush my chest as I stared down into her immense cleavage. I looked forward to later crawling into my bunk and fantasizing about licking frosting off her sweet succulent cupcakes. That is, until I remembered that Rosalie and Emmett were going to be there as well.

Bella came back just as the previews started. This time she slid past me facing the screen. As I gently placed my hands on her hips to help guide her past me, she tripped and fell back against me. I held on to her until she regained her balance and moved to her seat. It took every ounce of self restraint not to grind myself into her bum. That sort of behavior was only acceptable during sexual relations or dancing. Once we were back in our seats, I held the popcorn bucket and kept my arm next to me, allowing Bella to have the armrest so that she could make herself comfortable.

After a few moments, Bella leaned over with a look of embarrassment on her face. She whispered, "I am so sorry, Daniel. I didn't mean to squish you like that."

"Oh it's quite alright. I need to apologize to you for tripping you with my giant feet. Are you alright?" I wasn't worried about her being physically injured as much I was concerned about her feeling embarrassed.

"Sweet Daniel." She smiled and looked at the screen. Everything seemed perfect.

I looked around happily at out surroundings. I should have known I was in trouble when I spotted Emmett and Rosalie sitting two rows ahead, off to the side of the cinema. _I thought they were going to see a pornographic film?_ I wasn't sure if Bella had seen them but I didn't want them to interrupt any of our time together so I didn't say anything. I tried to put them out of my mind.

I don't recall what the film was called or what it was even about. I was too excited about being with Bella to care. I kept stealing glances at her. However, I do recall that there were a lot nude people fornicating in many interesting positions. I wondered if I would ever be able to get Bella to fornicate with me and what positions she might like. I spent the first half of the film in a state of total bliss. Here I was watching a naughty French film, while sharing popcorn and a diet soda with the girl of my dreams. However, the second half of the film was so steamy, I was in agony with a throbbing erection. I had seen some mildly titillating films on late at night on the telly but nothing like this and certainly not while sitting next to a girl I fancied. I noticed that Bella was breathing more heavily and wondered if she was feeling well. I glanced over at Emmett and Rosalie but all I saw was Rosalie's head bobbing up and down on Emmett's lap. _Oh! Oh dear. _

I pressed the popcorn bucket down on my engorged penis. Bella didn't help matters any with her lower leg touching mine and the way the bucket would rub my bulge every time she dipped her hand in. Every now and again, I would glance over to see her lips wrap around the straw and suck. I could easily imagine her lips all over my body. Eventually the butter had soaked through the bottom of the popcorn bucket and I could feel her finger tips scraping along my pulsating manhood. When she started licking the glistening butter that accumulated in her lips and fingers, I couldn't take it anymore. I shoved the bucket into her lap.

"Excuse me," I said, just before running up the walkway. I quickly ran into the restroom. As soon as entered a stall I pulled out my aching shaft and began rubbing furiously. I imagined Bella, like one of the women in the film, on her hands and knees waiting for me. Except in my imagination I had to pull down her black satin panties first. I then gripped her fleshy hips and thrust with wild abandon. It only took a few strokes to achieve my satisfaction. I felt such a sense of relief. As I was wiping up my mess on the stall door, a couple of blokes came in.

"Jenny, hurry up I want to find out if _Jean Luc_ gets it on with his cousin or decides to go back to the monastery." A woman said as her companion was urinating.

"I'm hurrying, bitch!" the other _bloke_ replied.

_Wait a bloody minute, those aren't men! Am I in the ladies' washroom? Bloody hell!_ I was so ashamed…and a bit excited.

I stayed as silent as possible until they left. They didn't wash their hands. _Disgusting!_

As I fixed my trousers, I looked down to see a very incriminating grease spot from the popcorn. My trench coat was still in my seat. _Bollocks!_ I snuck out of the loo with as much stealth as possible. I prayed that the theater didn't have security cameras. I knew it didn't look good sneaking out of a ladies' washroom during an erotic film with a strategically placed stain on my pants.

There were just a few minutes left in the film when I safely returned to my seat. Now that I had tamed my raging libido, I was excited about going to dinner with Bella. As soon as the film finished, I quickly put on my coat to hide my crotch, although it was rude of me to not help Bella with hers first.

"Wow, that was intense," she said as we made our way out the exit. Her face was slightly flushed.

"Indeed, it was." I wasn't sure what else to say. I didn't want to seem like some pervert who was just choking his chicken in the ladies' loo during a sexy film, even though that's exactly what I was. "So did _Jean Luc_ get together with his cousin in the end?"

"No, he went back to the monastery… eventually." Bella turned pink. "Did the subtitles bother you?"

"Uh… I forgot about them." Actually, I forgot the film was even in French since I wasn't paying attention to what anyone was saying. "Did you understand or did you have to watch the subtitles?"

"I'm only in second year French, so I really didn't understand and I…uh…forgot to read the subtitles most of the time." Bella was trying not to laugh. She looked so cute.

"Do you think your instructor has actually seen it?"

"I doubt it. The assignment was to see a French film this weekend and then write a one page essay on it. She just said there was a new one playing at the Neptune." Bella bumped into my shoulder and looked up at me mischievously. "I think I may need to look up a few new words that I haven't learned yet."

I couldn't help but chuckle. She had such a sweet sense of humor. I was really looking forward to spending more time with her this evening.

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**A/N: Ever have an awkward date in the movie theatre?  
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**The mystery line from the last chapter was "Sit tight little mama, Daddy's gotta fight" by Michael Cera in Year One. I love that movie!**

**Lots of goodies on the main page! Be sure to take a look. People still ask me what Bella looks like. She is right there in the scrapbook! :-) **

**I know that some things are hinted at and not spelled out in the story. You have to remember that Daniel's POV is quite specific. How would you guys feel about a Bella POV? Would it ruin the mystery?**

**Thank you for putting me on author alert!**

* Feel free to email me with questions, comments or dirty fantasies. I love talking to you!*

**I love your reviews so much!**

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**Direct Links to the following can be found under the *Really, Really Ridiculously Cool Stuff* on the main Danielgaleh00rs FFn page.**

I would like to give a huge thanks to **Fiberkitty**, **SnowWhiteHeart**, and **Kassiah** over at **The Fictionators**. I just about pee-pee'ed my lick-me-Daniel knickers when I saw that I got a triple review! You should check out their stories too.

I found out this week that **Daniel Gale: Cumming to America** was nominated for a **Faithful Shipper Award **in the category of **Best Crossover**. I am so honored. Thank you so much to whoever did that! Voting for this round goes until April 17th. There are several categories!


	13. Foot in Mouth Disease

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. I'm just having a little pervy fun. This story is rated M for a very good reason.**

**Thank you to my lovely betas, Bookgeek80 and Rosmarina, for all the time they spent on this chapter!**

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Chapter 12 – Foot in Mouth Disease

Theme Song – Love on the Rocks by Neil Diamond

I don't think anyone noticed my suspicious activities. Still, I kept Bella and I right with the crowd of film patrons until we got outside and walked briskly toward the street. Despite our snacks during the film, my self-pleasure in the ladies' washroom sated one appetite and stimulated another. I was ravenous for some dinner and especially looking forward to sharing it with my beautiful Bella.

"Uh… Bella, are you hungry?" I reckoned that she must have been given the way she pawed at my crotch trying to get every last morsel of popcorn from the bucket. I wanted to make sure she was completely satisfied, so that by the end of the evening she would agree to go on a proper date with me. "There are so many quaint little places to choose from around here."

Once again she wrapped her hand around my upper arm while we were walking. It felt so delightful. Just as I was concentrating on the feel of her hand on me, she abruptly let go and ran ahead to a store window. I loved watching her big bum bounce along, accentuated by the cinched waist of her charcoal wool coat.

We were in front of a second-hand bookstore. "Oh man, this book on ancient civilizations is like a hundred and fifty bucks on Amazon, but it's only fifteen here! I'm going to grab it." I loved seeing Bella so happy and excited since much of our time together was spent in class, studying, or at water aerobics. We were concentrating heavily on academics so seeing her carefree for a few hours was exhilarating. I couldn't help but smile as I watched her.

Bella did a quick scan of the store. "Look," she clutched my arm and laughed. "There's a whole wall dedicated to used romance novels. Can you believe chicks read those?"

"Oh they're not too bad. I suppose it gives some people a little hope." I smiled and pulled down a familiar title, _His Lady Mistress._ I opened it up to a poignant passage and read it to her.

"_He looked down at the beads of perspiration on her heaving bosom. He longed to rip off that damned dress and corset. She is a yet a virgin, he thought. He bent down for a kiss and as her full lips met his," _

I peeked over the top of the book at Bella's luscious lips, and gulped before continuing.

_"He opened his mouth and allowed her tongue passage into his own hot wet cave. Their tongues battled for dominance until he knew he was close to losing all control and turning into a monster." _

Nan would not approve of that behavior at all, I thought.

_"Gasping in agony, he immediately gripped her arms and pushed her away_. _The sounds from the suction created by their lips pulling apart echoed down the long dark hallway. But they were heard only by the shadows on the stark white walls."_

"Now, that's a kiss," I added as I snapped the book shut and placed it back on the shelf.

"I'll take it." Bella panted as I looked into her eyes. Apparently, she liked the book. I'd love to lay in bed with Bella one day and read her sexy passages from naughty books. Now if only her coat was off so I could see her heaving bosoms. I'd hoped that whatever restaurant we chose for dining was nice and warm so she would take it off. I tried to pay for the books on the way out but Bella wouldn't hear of it.

"So where to for dinner?" I asked.

"It's your choice, Daniel. I made you sit through that awful film and you heroically killed that spider for me." She smiled and looked up at me with her big brown eyes.

"Yes, how appalling for a beautiful girl such as yourself to take a young man to a film loaded with nudity and copulatory behavior. I tell you, it was pure torture." I tried to look indignant but I kept smiling. Well, it was torture until I _handled _my problem.

"Exactly, so why don't you choose? What would you like to eat?" She giggled. Bella giggled a lot around me but it didn't seem like the same kind I was used to from girls. She seemed to enjoy my company. And she looked so lovely this evening. It was wonderful walking down the street with her. _God, how on earth am I going to toss one off when I get home with Emmett and Rosalie in the room??_

I groaned inside, knowing that what I really wanted to eat was located inside Bella's panties.

"How about some hot soup on a cold night?" I asked before letting my imagination take me over again. We were right in front of a Japanese restaurant. The thought of conversation over endless cups of tea sounded so appealing.

"This place looks great. I've been wanting to try it out."

I jumped ahead to open the door for her with a little bow. _Smooth, Daniel_.

It was a very casual restaurant. We both went up and ordered California rolls along with bowls of udon noodle soup. Chicken for Bella and hot beef for me. Again, I tried to pay but she wouldn't allow it. She used her feminine wiles on me again.

"Please Daniel," she said looking up at me through her giraffe-like eyelashes. "I asked _you_ out to dinner."

How could I say no to a girl with good manners? At least it was an inexpensive restaurant. I was even more determined to take her out someplace really nice. I just needed to find the right moment. In the meantime, I would impress Bella with my own gentlemanly conduct. I let her choose the table. I then pulled out her chair and helped her with her coat. _Oh finally, let me see those beautiful mounds._ Once again, I felt a little spark as my long slender fingers grazed her neck. She shivered as her delectable protrusions popped up to say Hello!

I had to tear my eyes away, so I walked over to the condiment and tea cart and poured us each cups of green tea and water. When our food came, I was excited to dig in.

"I love sushi!"

"So do I but I never eat the raw stuff. I'm so boring. All I order are California and veggie rolls. But I love them." Bella leaned in over the table.

"Well, I think you're fascinating, and I am glad you don't eat raw fish. That's very sensible. Although rare, parasites are a possibility, especially in uncooked salmon. A case of _anasakiasis_ would not be fun," I said with a chuckle.

"That sounds awful. What's that?"

"Its parasitic infection of the gastrointestinal tract by the larvae of nematode _anasakis_ worms. You can get them from eating raw or undercooked seafood like salmon. However, you can reduce your risk by freezing the raw salmon first, say to make sushi, and by eating the portion closest to the tail. You see, once out of the water, the fish dies and the worms leave the viscera and enter the muscle."

Bella leaned in further, squishing her magnificent breasts together. "That's fascinating, Daniel. You're so… intelligent."

"Well, parasitology is a little hobby of mine." I said with pride.

The conversation flowed nicely after we'd broken the ice. I enjoyed hearing about Bella's time working as a nursing assistant at the old folk's home. She too had a love of science and medicine. _ Beautiful, smart, funny, and compassionate… She is the whole package. _I loved watching her devour her thick noodles. Every now and then she would playfully grab my meat with her chopsticks.

"So… Um… Did you date a lot of girls back in England?" Bella seemed shy as she asked me.

"Uh... not really." How about none at all, ever? I felt like mold. Now was the time that I'd inadvertently reveal what a loser I was. "I was a pretty serious student… you know." I blinked and smiled. She just smiled back so I looked away shyly. I was so uncomfortable. _Please Bella, don't ask me any more questions about my lack of a social life._

"How about you? Did you date much in secondary school?" I asked, trying to direct her attention away from myself.

"Well, I had a boyfriend in high school but we broke up last summer. We just needed to go in different directions, I guess. He's at Dartmouth now." _Was he coming back?_ I wasn't sure how to subtly ask.

"He must be very studious. I mean, Dartmouth has an excellent reputation. Have you been dating much since you came to university?" Feigning indifference, I probed further. I wanted to get as deep as possible into Bella.

"No, it's difficult to figure out how to go about getting someone to notice you and it's terrifying asking a guy out." She blushed and coughed a bit into her napkin. Briefly, I wondered if she was having an anaphylactic reaction to something in her soup. Thankfully, I always carry antihistamine tablets in my messenger bag.

"Have you been dating much here in Seattle? Um, do you like American girls?" she continued.

"Not really, no. I've met lots of nice girls and I like American girls very much. However, between my schoolwork and workouts, I don't have any time to date." I wanted her to think that my lack of dating was by choice and not my usual state of affairs.

"Dating is hard isn't it?" Bella tilted her head.

"Oh yes! It's a good thing this isn't a date." I laughed nervously. I couldn't wait to ask her out and I was embarrassed that she had paid for almost everything during the course of the evening. I knew she didn't make much at the library. I wanted to take her out on a proper date and take care of her. I wanted to take her someplace really nice and take care of all her needs. If I was lucky maybe she would wear that blouse again. I'd never paid much attention to women's clothing until that evening.

"Oh," she nodded and straightened up.

I nodded back. Suddenly things seemed really different. She stopped looking at me while we finished our soup.

"Well, it's late," she sighed. "I guess it's time to get back."

There went my hopes of sipping tea for a bit longer since Bella seemed to want to get back to her dormitory. On the walk back I tried to make my arm available for her by holding it out a bit from my body, but she didn't grab it. I couldn't figure out what went wrong. This didn't seem like a good time to ask her out, so I bid her a quick farewell.

"Thank you so much for the film and dinner, Bella. I had a great time." I smiled.

"Yeah," she smiled. "It was fun. See you in biology." She turned around and went inside.

I walked back to my room feeling a little let down that I hadn't confirmed a date with Bella, but I was ready to go to bed.

I could just see Rosalie and Emmett in the bottom bunk. I quietly grabbed my shower caddy and pajamas. I heard some giggling.

"Hey man, how did it go?"

"Pretty good. The film was… interesting and that Japanese restaurant near 44th was excellent." Something about the way the date had ended inhibited my excitement. I wished I had more experience with women.

"Well Rose here duped me!" She was giggling. "Turns out it wasn't a porno, it was some dirty French movie with subtitles."

"You know you had a good time," she added.

"Yeah baby!" I could hear him kiss her. "True enough."

"Well, I'll head down to the bathroom. You know, it's really quiet in the hall. I'll just crash on the couch. By the way, where is everyone? It's dead quiet out there." I nodded towards the hallway.

"A bunch of them went to a laser show downtown and the rest are in Carlisle's room watching Dog the Bounty Hunter." I was a little sad to miss that. Beth was quite the sassy little firecracker.

Emmett got out of bed completely naked. I shouldn't have been, but I was shocked. He was in bed with Rosalie in the nude! I wondered if she was nude as well. _How am I supposed to sleep above a nude woman?_ He put on his bathrobe and walked with me to the bathroom.

"Nice try, Danny Boy. You are not sleeping in the hallway. I know how you love your bed. You make it every day so your little nest up there is just right. Now if Rosalie makes you uncomfortable, we'll take off. No problem, man." Emmett slapped me on the back and knocked a little wind out of me.

"No, no Rosalie is lovely. I don't mind at all, I just feel bad that you guys don't have much couple time together."

"Hey, don't worry about that. We've had couple time twice this evening." Emmett shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh!" My lips help in an O shape as I tried not to look at him.

"Now go get your jammies on, brush and floss your teeth, then get back to our room and climb up into your bunk."

"Okey Doke," I chuckled.

"And don't forget your Breathe Right strips, your mouth guard, and your ear plugs. We don't want to disrupt whatever it is that you usually do. I know you like your little routine," He said as he walked out.

After completing my meticulous bedtime ritual, I walked back and quietly climbed up into bed.

"Good night Rosalie. Good night Emmett." I whispered just in case they were still awake.

"Good night, Daniel." They said in unison.

Fortunately, I was knackered and fell asleep very quickly. Sometime around two in the morning though I was woken up by a muffled grunting sound coming from down below as felt my bunk rocking. It was quite pleasant and lulled me right back into a deep sleep.

I woke up fairly early the next morning. I couldn't fall back asleep, so I peeked over the side to see Rosalie and Emmett wrapped up in his Incredible Hulk sheets. They looked so lovely together. A pang of jealousy flowed through my soul. I really wanted to have that too.

After getting ready for the day, I picked up my messenger bag and went down to breakfast. I dined on my favorite, poached eggs and toast along with a mixed-berry compote. As I sat with my laptop, I spent some time sipping my tea and perusing the internet for information on ancient civilizations. Since Bella had a keen interest in ancient peoples, I wanted to do some research so that I could hold up my end of an anthropological conversation should the need arise. Within a few clicks of my mouse, I found the perfect place to take Bella on a real date. I couldn't wait to see her and present her with my idea.

Before heading back to my room, I grabbed some breakfast items for Emmett and Rosalie so they wouldn't have to get out of bed. I was sure they would wake up hungry after last evening's activities. I knew I would! I decided to walk down to the shopping center down the hill afterwards to pick up some necessities.

I knocked on the door before entering.

"Come on in, Danny Boy!" Emmett laughed.

"I brought you guys some breakfast before I head out." I set the tray down on Emmett's desk. "

Rosalie looked over and smiled. "I call dibs on the cheese Danish."

"Baaabyyy," Emmett pouted and whined. "That leaves me the oatmeal."

"Emmett, you need to take better care of your colon health. I've heard you straining." I added sensibly.

"Daniel's right, baby. It's been like four days. You totally need more fiber. Look, he even brought you some berries." Rosalie looked up at me and smiled. "Thank you, sweetie. That was so thoughtful of you."

"Yeah man, that was really thoughtful. Thanks."

"You're welcome." I adjusted my glasses and headed off to the University Village shopping center. "I'll see you in a bit."

That bit turned into hours as I got swept up in the giant book store. I almost forgot my main purpose for going, which was to purchase a little plant to decorate Bella's bare dorm room. I would present it to her when I asked her out. I walked over to the garden shop and selected a little cactus. I wanted to get a plant for her to symbolize that I hoped to be around for a long time. The easy maintenance of cacti made them an especially appealing choice. I didn't want my plant to be a burden for her. Instead, I wanted it to be something she could enjoy. In addition, the store owner assured me it would produce a bright pink flower within the next few weeks if given plenty of sun.

Walking back into my room I met up with a very somber looking Emmett.

"Hey Emmett, what's going on?" I said cheerfully.

He shook his head, seemingly snapping out of his thoughts. "What are you doing with a cactus that looks like a cock and balls?"

"It's a little gift for Bella. Wait, it doesn't look like the male anatomy… does it?"

"Listen, Danny Boy." Emmett placed his hand on my shoulder. "Do you have any idea why Bella would be crying?"

"No. Is she alright?" I was instantly concerned.

"Yeah, man. She's fine. She's just upset but she won't tell me why. I stopped by her room after I dropped off Rosalie. There she was sitting on her bed, wiping away tears with Jessica rubbing her back." Emmett shivered as if he had seen a cockroach.

I fiddled with my glasses and looked at the floor. "I don't understand."

"Neither do I, and Bella tells me everything. The only time she ever clammed up was when she broke up with her ex-boyfriend. I thought it was because I was still in Alaska but I have a feeling it had more to do with Jessica."

"I don't like her."

"Shit dude, neither do I. She's so manipulative." Emmett shook his head. "She's not a good friend for Bella. Do you know who took Bella out to buy her first maxi pads?"

"Her mom?"

"No, her mom was in Arizona. She was afraid to talk to Charlie about what was happening to her so she called me. Of all the people to call, she called me. Looking back, I should have handed the phone over to my mom, but instead I grabbed some money from my Band-Aid can, picked her up on my bicycle, and we went to Thriftway. Fucking traumatized me for life, but I sure as shit wasn't going to let her down. When I went through chemo, the girl shaved her hair and eyebrows off for me, ya know? That shit is special."

"Yes, I can imagine how hard that must have been for a young boy at the cusp of puberty."

"Totally! Anyhow, my point is that we've always told each other everything and been there for each other but she ain't talking now, and that has me really worried." Emmett paused. "Did anything happen on your date last night?"

"Are you going to break my legs?"

"No," Emmett chuckled. "No Danny Boy, I'm not going to bust your nuts or anything. I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with Bella. I know you're a good guy but I have a feeling there has been some sort of misunderstanding. You have any idea what went wrong?"

"Uh… no. In fact, I was trying to get the confidence to ask her out on a proper date but she did seem very anxious to get home during dinner. All of a sudden she lost interest in talking anymore." I thought back at the previous evening. _Goodness, women are confusing._ "I must have said something to offend her."

I thought back. "Perhaps it was because I didn't ask her out on a date yet?"

"Yeah? Keep going." Emmett motioned with his hand.

"I thought she was having a nice time but she did seem to shut down after I said it was a good thing we weren't on a date."

Emmett was blinking rapidly. "You said it was a good thing you weren't on a date? Fuck man, you might as well have just told her you thought she was unattractive!"

_Oh bollocks… _"But I just meant that if it were a date I would be paying for everything and taking her someplace really nice. I would have dressed up."

"Dude, you just gave her the big let-down, the kiss of death. You practically told her that you want to be friends." Emmett groaned. "You like her, right?"

"Of course!" I squeaked out.

"You, like, dig her and want to bone her and stuff, right?"

"God, yes!" I nodded furiously.

Emmett slapped his hands to his sides. "Well then get your ass over there and ask her out for real, man!"

It was getting dark out so I placed my blinker on my messenger bag to make sure I was clearly visible to traffic. I grabbed Bella's cactus and headed off quickly to her dorm room. _Oh dear, I must rectify this situation!_

Jessica answered the door to Bella's cluster.

"Hey, Daniel." She smiled brightly.

"Uh… Jessica. Is Bella home?"

"Nope, she's at the library working tonight." _Damn! _I wasn't sure if I should bother her at work.

"Bollocks! I really need to talk to her." I said to the carpet. "Um, can I leave this plant here with you, to put on her desk?"

"Sure." She popped her gum and grabbed the cactus.

I wrote a quick note to Bella and sealed it up in an envelope. "Can you give this to Bella too?" I asked when she came back.

"Yeah." She snatched the envelope. "You know, Daniel, it's OK if you're not that into her." Jessica smiled and tilted her head. "There are lots of pretty girls on this campus."

"God Jessica, I don't want any other girls on campus. I want Bella!" I declared and decided in that instant that I would go find her. I quickly ran to the circulation desk at the Natural Sciences Library.

When I got there, I peered through the glass doors and spotted her. She looked busy so I went around to a side doors so she couldn't see me. I noticed that she wasn't her usual friendly self, chatting with the library patrons. Instead, she quietly went about her business of checking out books and working on the computer. I waited until her work slowed down and she pulled out her textbook before approaching. As I walked towards her, I could see that her eyes were swollen and puffy. I was such a clueless worm for hurting her feelings. _Stupid Daniel._

"Hi, Bella."

Bella looked up. Her face was blank. "Hey Daniel. What are you doing here?" She looked at my flattened messenger bag. "You don't have any books with you."

"I… uh… Bella, would you go out with me… on a proper date?" I choked out the words. I was extremely nervous.

Bella looked away and shook her head. "No, I don't think so. That wouldn't be a good idea. You shouldn't date friends, right?"

"Oh." I was just a _friend_.

I stared at the floor, crushed, a broken young man. "I-I don't know what I was thinking of. Sorry. Catch you later," I muttered and turned to leave.

Just before the door, I turned to look at Bella one last time, praying that she would change her mind, but her back was turned.

"I'm just going to crawl off and die quietly in a corner somewhere…" I slunked off back to my dorm room dejectedly.

* * *

**A/N: I'm sorry this chapter is so emo. But *sigh* it is part of Daniel's journey through his adventures. Things will look up in the next chapter, OK?**

**Pictures of Bella's blouse and cactus are on the scrapbook. If you need to feel the Neil, go listen to the soundtrack on the main blog.  
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I don't expect paragraphs detailing the greatness of my astounding literary masterpiece but I do love to hear what you think! Perhaps a favorite line or section? Perhaps some advice for our sweet boy? Maybe even your dirty Daniel fantasies? :-D

**Reviews are like giving Daniel a hug in his time of need.  
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**COOL NEW STUFF:**

A huge thanks to** LaracFF** over at **Random Acts of Rob** **(RAoR)** for featuring my story in the **Sunday Smut Spotlight**. I am so proud!

DGCTA also got an awesome review at the **Southern Fan Fiction Review** by the great **107yearoldvirgin**. OMG OMG she thinks my story is funny!!! I am not worthy!

Hugs to all the lovely ladies who left such sweet comments on those blogs.

**Direct Links can be found under the *****The Really, Really Ridiculously Cool Stuff***** on the main Danielgaleh00rs FFn page.**


	14. Bella's Chickens

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. I'm just having a little pervy fun. This story is rated M for a very good reason.**

Many thanks to my wonderful betas,** Bookgeek80 **and** Rosmarina**, for all their help.

Daniel and I would like to wish all the lovely mummies who read his adventures a very** HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.**

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Chapter 13 – Bella's Chickens

Theme Song – Patience by Guns 'n' Roses

I was so distraught whilst walking back to my room that I forgot to turn the blinker on my messenger bag back on again. I was so despondent that I didn't care if I was hit by a car. I shuffled into my room, not wishing to speak with anyone. Emmett sensed this and gave me a quiet, "Hey man," with a light pat on the back. I climbed up onto my bunk and stared at the wall, lying on my side. My tears and nose ran freely onto my pillow. Dr. Who was playing in the background while Emmett was sitting in his chair, vibrating. I tried not to sniffle too loudly. A while later, Carlisle knocked on the door.

"What's up man?" Emmett said quietly as he got up and answered the door.

"Hey, we were all just about to start watching Firefly. Figured you guys would want to join us."

"Nah, not tonight. We're just chillin'."

"Hey, is he ok?" Carlisle asked.

"Yeah, he'll be fine. He's just not feeling good."

"Yeah?" Carlisle sounded concerned.

"Yeah." Emmett slowly replied.

"Well…hang on a sec." Carlisle walked off and about two minutes later, he came back.

"Give him this. He loves this shit."

"Thanks, man." Emmett chuckled.

"Yeah, let me know if you need anything."

"Will do."

After closing the door, Emmett came over and tapped my shoulder.

"Hey Danny Boy, Carlisle brought you a jug of chocolate milk."

"No thanks," I tried to say without sounding like I was crying and stuffed up.

"OK, I'll stick it in the fridge for you."

I lay in bed for quite some time. I'm not sure how long. I didn't care about the humiliation of being shot down by the girl of my dreams. That was to be expected and I was used to rejection. It was that my hopes and dreams had been crushed. I felt like an idiot for allowing myself to believe that Bella might have fancied me a little, or at least had the potential to. _Stupid Daniel_.

_If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, come on baby let me know_.

Emmett's phone rang, briefly.

"_Hey!" _

"_Yeah, sure."_

"_Already?"_

"_OK… Give me a few minutes."_

"_Bye."_

"Daniel," Emmett patted my back. "Let's get you into your jammies, dude."

"No thank you, I'm all right," I replied.

"Um… OK, I'll be back later. I am not sure how long this will take."

I heard the sound of a drawer opening and closing.

"Danny Boy," Emmett sang. "I think Mr. Snuffles needs a little love." My teddy bear plopped down in front of me. I quickly grabbed him for an embrace.

With a punch on the shoulder, Emmett was off to pick up Bella from the library. I glanced at the clock. It was 9:24pm. Bella didn't usually get off this early when she worked in the evenings.

I dozed off for bit before being startled awake by someone knocking on the door.

I decided to ignore it, I didn't care who it was.

_Knock. Knock._

_Go away_, I thought.

_Knock. Knock._

"Daniel, I know you are in there. The light's on." It was Bella.

I looked at the clock. It was 10:37.

I rubbed my eyes and put my glasses back on. I hid Mr. Snuffles under my blankets before climbing down and tripping onto my arse.

"Daniel, please answer the door. I can hear you." Bella whined.

"I'm coming, hang on." As I glanced at myself in the mirror and stared at my reflection, I noticed my own puffy eyes. My skin looked a bit green. I'd been feeling sick since leaving the library. I ran my hands through my hair to try to tame it before answering the door.

Bella's eyes were red and she looked exhausted.

"May I come in?" She asked.

I nodded and shut the door behind her.

"Daniel, I found your lovely cactus on my desk." She shyly smirked. "Interesting choice. At first I thought it was because you were inspired by our movie on Saturday but then I saw on the tag that it was a southwest native. You know, it was so sweet of you to pick out a plant to remind me of Arizona where my mom lives. That was so thoughtful."

Honestly, I hadn't pay any attention at all to where the plant was from. I just thought it was nice. Still, I went with it. That's what Emmett would have done. I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled.

"I got your note too."

In my haste, I had forgotten all about the note.

---oOo---

_Dearest Bella,_

_You are so beautiful. I've fancied you since the first day I met you. Would you like to go out on a proper date with me? I really, really, really like you! _

_Sincerely yours,_

_Daniel_

---oOo---

She cleared her throat. "Did you really mean that?"

"Yes," I croaked and swallowed. My throat was dry.

Bella started looking around the room. She pulled two ceramic chickens out of her pocket and handed them to me. They were salt and pepper shakers. I was confused.

"Do you remember when I told you about buying that skirt at Goodwill?"

"Yes," I nodded. _How could I forget the wank-inducing skirt that I had yet to see?_

"Well, you mentioned that you and Nan used to go to the market collecting 'occupied Japan' teacups and saucers. So when I was at Goodwill a couple weeks ago, I started looking through the ceramics and noticed those. They looked kind of old and when I saw that they had 'occupied Japan' stamped on them, I grabbed them for you. It was kind of silly but I thought you might like them… you know, something to remind you of your Nan and the fun times you had together."

I was touched that she picked up a little prize for me when she went shopping. The gesture was so sweet; I couldn't help but smile as I looked down at the little chickens in my hands.

"Look, these are silly but who doesn't need salt and pepper shakers, right? You guys love to cook in your room so now you can stop stealing those little packets from the cafeteria. Hopefully, they'll come in handy." Bella shrugged.

"No, absolutely not." I shook my head.

Bella flinched.

"Um… no. That didn't come out right." I corrected myself when I noticed Bella's discomfort. "These deserve a place of honor, Bella." I took my chickens over to my desk and placed them on my book shelf, right between my Dr. Who action figures and my picture of Nan.

"There now, don't they look lovely pecking around Captain Jack's feet?" I stared at the shelf for a few moments then looked at Bella. "Did you know that Nan had chickens?"

"No." She laughed.

I gave them a little nod. "These are perfect. Thank you, Bella, so much." I turned around and looked straight into her big brown eyes, hoping to convey my gratitude.

"You're welcome." She smiled.

"Why did you wait two weeks to give these to me?" I asked.

Bella looked at the floor. "Well, I'd been thinking about you for a while, and I didn't want you to know I liked you and thought about you as much as I do."

Bella had been thinking about me? I was stunned and didn't know what to say. Thankfully she continued.

"When you told me you were glad we weren't on a date I figured you didn't like me in the sort of way I like you." She paused, sucking in her lips. "And it hurt because I adore you."

My heart was swelling, but I was confused.

"Then why did you say no when I asked you out?" I asked.

"I thought maybe Emmett put you up to it and you didn't really want to go out with me." She paused. "I'm sorry, I was a complete bitch. It would have been your right to not want to go out so either way I should never have been so awful to you. I think I was just frustrated because I find you very difficult to read."

_Oh the irony_! "Bella, I assure you that Emmett had nothing to do with me asking you out. I meant everything I said in my note and everything I have ever said to you."

"Yeah?" She tilted her head. She sounded doubtful.

It was hard to look at her, I was so embarrassed. "Yes. Why do you think I've made every effort possible to infiltrate myself into your daily schedule?"

"I just thought you were nice and just wanted to be friends. I couldn't tell if you had any feelings beyond that since you didn't make any moves and that would have been a little too good to be true. Even if you did just want to be friends, that would be OK too. I just think you're terrific and I shouldn't have been so awful."

"It's OK."

"No, it's not. I'm sorry. I was frustrated but that's my fault not yours."

"Well," I laughed. "I'm not the smooth and sophisticated man you think I am."

"Really? I don't think you see yourself very clearly."

I stared at the carpet. "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't understand girls at all."

"Daniel, other than our misunderstanding, I think you get women in a way that none of the other guys do. You have us all abuzz, you know."

I looked up at her. "Well, the only little bee I want buzzing around my stamen would be you."

Bella gasped and laughed.

_Alright, I'll try once again_, I thought_. She seems more receptive this time._

"So… uh… perhaps if you listened to my proposal, you might be inclined to go out on a proper date with me?" I said gently. _Please say you'll listen. Please say you'll listen._

Bella arched an eyebrow. "Daniel, I'm a simple girl from a tiny, rainy, redneck town in the middle of nowhere. I'm easy… to please. I just told you I liked you. Our date could consist of us sitting in the back of my dead bug, eating Happy Meals, and listening to butt-rock ballads and I would be a very happy camper."

"As enticing as that sounds, I believe that is more second or third date material." I chuckled.

"You have a point. I guess I should make you work for it."

_Oh my little tigress, make me work hard._

I was fairly certain that meant yes, so I went in for the kill. "I will come to collect you at 2pm on Saturday. Wear a dress and comfortable shoes."

Bella grabbed my hand. "I'll be ready, Daniel." She held my hand for a few more moments. I was embarrassed and looked down at the floor, willing the moment to not end. She gave my hand a final squeeze before she left me standing there.

"I'll see you tomorrow in Bio." She turned to say, smiling, as she walked out of the room.

I stood there in shock. Finally, Bella had agreed to go out with me! In just a few moments I went from miserable to ecstatic. My whole reality changed. Bella fancied me. She could have anyone she wanted but she fancied _me_.

---oOo---

Emmett strolled into the bathroom as I was flossing my teeth and getting ready for bed. He kept smiling at me in the mirror as if he knew something.

Finally he spoke. "How are you doing man?"

"Good." I nodded.

"That's good."

"Yeah." I smiled.

After I finished brushing my teeth, I spoke. "Thank you, Emmett."

"What? I didn't do anything."

I rolled my eyes at him.

Emmett looked over at me. "Danny Boy, deep down inside you are one smooth mother-fucker. I swear, I've done my best to stay out of all this and I didn't need to do a thing. Babygirl was already feeling like an ass when we left the library. When she saw your plant and note she started bawling and saying all kinds of mushy shit about you."

"Really?"

"I shit you not." Emmett winked at me.

I cleared my throat and started gargling with my antiseptic mouthwash. I was embarrassed thinking about the kinds of things Bella might have said about me. I was dying to know but I knew that whatever one says to Emmett, stays with Emmett.

"She totally wants to hump you, man."

I choked and spat my mouthwash all over the mirror.

Well, Emmett might be good at keeping secrets but he isn't shy with his observations.

"Take it easy, bro!" Emmett was patting me on the back. "Don't be so fucking shocked. Shit… between your accent, your manners, and your geek chic sense of style… these babes can't help themselves. And the fact that you act all bumbling and clueless just gets them totally hot and bothered. You got a good little niche working for you here."

I wasn't sure when he meant exactly, but whatever I was doing must have been working if Bella was thinking of fornicating with me.

"Thanks, Emmett." I grabbed some paper towels and cleaned up my mess.

He left me with a bro-fist.

That night as I climbed in my bunk, I was exhausted. What a day it had been! Even if Emmett wasn't sleeping nude below me, I would have been too knackered to tease the weasel. Still, my mind was racing. I kept thinking about Bella and what it would be like to hold her hand and cuddle with her. She was so soft and sweet. I fell asleep with a smile, imagining my head between her full breasts as she petted my hair.

---oOo---

That week in Biology, Jessica was back to being rude to me again. It was oddly comforting.

On Tuesday, just five days before our date, we got our midterms back. Bella and I were ecstatic with our A's while Jessica scowled and hid her exam. Bella and I had spent a lot of time studying the previous week before the exam so I was proud of our fruitful efforts.

Emmett and I both got A's in Calculus. What was surprising to me was the fact that he spent only half the time studying as I did and couldn't seem to pay full attention in class. I've always done well in school, but I had to work hard for it. Emmett's margin art was so good that I was sure he could make a living as a scientific illustrator. (Every day I watched to see if there were any drawings of Bella and thankfully I never saw any.) I was beginning to think that perhaps Emmett was some sort of covert super genius.

That thought was quickly displaced. When we got back to our room after class on Wednesday, Emmett turned on his Transformer cartoons while I checked my email. He stared at the big screen with his mouth wide open. The program had his full attention.

"Oh look," I said enthusiastically. "As a writer for the Daily, I have an invitation to a round table-discussion titled 'Rubens: Objectification or Back Door Appreciation?' This sounds so stimulating, just the sort of intellectual university experience I've been craving." I banged my fist on the table to emphasize my point and turned around.

"Uh… yeah." Emmett's eyes were still glued to the screen. "Do we have any malt balls left?"

"Sorry, I polished off your balls last night, mate. So, do you want to go with me? It's tomorrow night."

"Uh… no. Sounds boring as hell." His eyes narrowed. "Dammit, I was looking forward to eating my balls!"

"Emmett! I will go right now and grab your balls if you will come with me to the discussion group. There will be a slideshow, and you know what it means when a function has been sponsored by the Women's Studies Department?"

"No?"

"Lesbians."

"Lesbians?"

"Yes, everyone knows that collegiate lesbians, both lifelong and experimental, flock to these sorts of discussions." I was looking straight at Emmett.

"Really?" Emmett finally turned away from the telly to look at me.

I nodded enthusiastically. "Plus, there will be cookies and refreshments."

"I'm there!"

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**A/N:** It was great to hear from all you new reviewers! As always, I really appreciate the feedback. :-)**  
**

**Charmie77 **interviewed Daniel and I over at the** Fanfiction Rebels Blog. **Thank you so much!

Special thanks this week to all the lovely ladies (and Eddie) on FaceBook who have been so sweet to Daniel and held him tightly to their bosoms.

* * *

Thanks to whoever nominated DGCTA for the **Giggle/Snort Awards**! If you want to insure Daniel's spot in the big vote, he needs more nominations. Nominations end May 12th. **gigglesnortawards****(dot)****mmmboptastic****(dot)****com**

**DGCTA **is up for a **Faithful Shipper Award** under the category of **Best Crossover**! Final voting ends on May 12th. They had problems with their ballots so, you may need to recast your ballot if you want your vote to be counted. So many awesome stories to read!! **Thefaithfulshipperawards(dot)webs(dot)com/vote(dot)htm** (Daniel is on the bottom!)


	15. Rubenesque Ladies

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. This story is rated M. So if things start getting a little freaky, I don't wanna hear about it. ;-)**

Thanks to **Rosmarina** and **Bookgeek80 **for all their help and input!

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Chapter 14 – Rubenesque Ladies

Theme Song – Baby Got Back by Richard Cheese

Although I was excited to attend the round-table discussion "Rubens: Objectification or Back Door Appreciation" sponsored by the Women's Studies Department, there was no way I was going to miss Thursday evening water aerobics with Bella. I loved watching her bob up and down in the pool. Lately, she had been demonstrating a preference for the shallow end, so I got an eyeful of her goodies. I'm fairly certain that Bella caught me trying to surreptitiously ogle her hard, wet nipples. Fortunately, each time I looked up at her and smiled, she giggled in return.

As we got out of the pool, I handed Bella a towel and explained my rush that evening.

"As a columnist for The Daily, I've been invited to a round table discussion at the Women's Studies Department this evening. So, I need to get back soon." I glanced at my water- proof Swatch watch.

"Okay. I'll just take a real quick shower. " Bella headed towards the women's locker room.

"Great! Oh wait. In my haste I'd almost forgotten to measure our heart rates." I chuckled to myself, glad that I brought along my own timepiece. Everyone knows those pool clocks are highly inaccurate.

Bella strolled back towards me, smiling. "You know, Daniel, I've been having trouble measuring my pulse."

"Well, then let me help you." I grabbed Bella's wrist.

"I think it's easier if you measure my pulse on my neck."

I swallowed several times, and my eyes popped out of my head.

"Uh…" was all I could manage.

"Here." She pulled my hand up to her neck just under her jaw. "Do you feel it?"

"Oh God, yes!" I shouted as old faithful sprung to life. I tried to calm down as best as I could. Getting an accurate reading was important for Bella's health. I listed off a few things in my mind: Emmett's king cobra, Emmett's muscular buttocks and thighs, BooBoo-Kitty choking up her hairballs, that pink fungus growing in the corner of the last shower stall… _Well now that last one is actually sort of interesting. I should check that out under the microscope._

I took a deep breath, concentrating on the smell of chlorine as I tried to block out the faint scent of Bella's enticing dandruff shampoo. "Well Bella, as you can tell by the chart on the wall, you are in the optimal range for a good workout. Congratulations!"

"Thanks! I think I've improved a lot since we first started."

"I'll say." I whispered, my hand still on her neck. "Uh…" I looked down at the floor. "I mean, you were perfect to begin with."

Bella smiled and placed her hand on mine. She slowly pulled it off her neck and gave it a squeeze. "I better go shower real quick. I don't want you to be late."

"Um… yeah." I snapped out of my stupor. "Me too!"

Although I had already indulged in a satisfying round of self-pleasure before class, the ache in my gonads indicated that it was again necessary to free Willy and give him a workout.

I shampooed my hair, making sure to keep the harsh detergent off my scrotum, and then soaped up my body under the hot spray. I used a little extra soap to lubricate my stroking. Just a few pumps was all it took to find my sweet release and see my seed shoot powerfully across the communal shower.

Just as I grunted out a slow "Bellaaaa," she made herself known just outside the locker room.

"Hey Daniel, are you ready?" she called out.

_Oh bollocks! Did she hear me?_

"Yup, hang on!" I hurried to get my clothes on. I left my hair messy. There was no time to bother with it.

As soon as I walked out of the locker room, Bella started grooming me like a monkey.

"Let me just fix your wild hair." She reached up and started fiddling with my head.

"Mmmmm," I involuntarily let out. It felt so good. I loved the way she touched me.

Bella finished and grabbed my arm. "Ok, let's go."

I was in heaven, and it killed me to drop her off at her dormitory. I was dying for more of Bella's affection.

-oOo-

Back at my room, Emmett was ready to go. I looked at the "got bacon?" coffee cup in his hand quizzically.

"You need to bring your own cup to these kinds of things, man. Otherwise you look like an asshole who hates the environment," he stated as if it was common knowledge.

"Oh! Good thinking, mate." I wanted to start off my intellectual experiences on the right foot, so I grabbed my favorite travel mug with the chemical symbol for caffeine on it and attached it with a carabiner clip to my messenger bag.

We scurried off toward the HUB and found the room. I looked around and as promised in my correspondence with Jane, I spotted PG Tips tea and McVities digestive biscuits on the refreshment table.

"Mmmm… Cookies!" Emmett made a beeline for the table, made himself a cup of tea and grabbed a handful of biscuits.

"Gentlemen, I see you've arrived as promised!" We were greeted by a very petite, yet voluptuous woman with huge probing eyes and short blond hair. Her hands were clasped in front of her all-black attire. "Looks like it's just a small group this evening. Mainly art history majors it seems," she said as she looked around.

"I was promised lesbians," Emmett eloquently added with his mouth full of biscuits.

"Hello, Emmett. My name is Jane."

"You look familiar." Emmett's eyes narrowed and he pointed down at her.

"I think we may have bumped into each other once or twice."

"Huh. Can I have some more cookies?" Emmett's attention was clearly on food. I advised him to have a hearty dinner, but I suspect he was saving up room for the free refreshments.

"Of course you may," she said without blinking. "A young man like you needs… nourishment."

"Uh… Thank you for inviting us." I held out my hand.

Jane clasped it with both of her hands and held on. She stared right into my eyes. "I am so glad you came. I hope I can entice you to come… often… to our little gatherings."

"Well a discussion on Rubenesque art and back door appreciation is certainly a topic I can get behind." I laughed at my little joke.

Jane cracked a smile and finally released my hand. Her unnerving stare continued until someone else caught her eye.

"Oh Jasmine! Please come and meet Daniel. He came all the way from England and he writes a very stimulating column for The Daily. He gives sensible advice."

"Please call me Jazz." She shook my hand. "It's wonderful that you're writing," she said as she shook my hand. I detected a southern accent.

I pointed to Emmett. "That bloke over there is my roommate Emmett." Emmett held up his bacon mug and winked. His other hand was once again full of digestive biscuits.

"Well I suppose we should take our seats," Jane suggested

"Yes, of course."

I walked over to Emmett to grab a handful of biscuits. I too was famished. I had skipped dinner so that I wouldn't miss my time in the pool with Bella.

"She's kinda cute." He nodded towards Jazz.

"Yes, I suppose so, in a handsome sort of way," I replied.

We looked around the room a bit. Eventually, I whispered to Emmett. "I suspect that these are not the sort of lesbians who are interested in men."

Emmett shook his head and looked around. "I'm getting the same impression too, man."

The discussion was quite stimulating. I made my appreciation of robust derrieres known to the group.

"I don't think that appreciation of a well nourished woman is equal to objectification. It is pure biology. Besides, one can tell by the careful attention paid to the derriere and thighs of his models that Rubens held a great deal of respect for those women. I'd like to add that I too am disturbed by today's climate of starvation chic, and I think it needs to stop immediately. What is more sensual than watching a woman eat a 100% grass-fed beef bratwurst or lick an organic ice-cream cone?"

Emmett enthusiastically joined in.

"I concur, bro. It's no coincidence that without western society's pressure, men in most cultures throughout the world have gravitated towards women with a naturally wide ass and chubby thighs, perhaps even a little tummy. It's a sign of fertility. God knows if I had any swimmers I would love to propagate the species. But believe me, ladies, I never stop trying. I attempt to propagate as often as possible." Emmett winked and turned to me. "And yeah, I know my girlfriend is a little on the thin side, but I love her for who she is and her mad skillz, if you know what I mean. I mean, if Rosie put on a few pounds, that's just more to smack." Emmett finished by giving me the bro-fist. He was so eloquent!

The room was silent.

I looked over at Jane who seemed to be staring right into Emmett's soul and breathing heavily.

"Well," Jane stood up and clasped her hands together. "That was riveting. Let's watch the slide show."

I thoroughly enjoyed all the paintings and photographs of generously proportioned women, but Emmett fell asleep a few minutes into the presentation.

Magically, he woke up just as the show ended and Jane came over to us.

"Gentlemen, I came… to thank you for your attendance and enthusiastic participation."

"You are so welcome. Thank you for inviting us, Jane. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Didn't we Emmett?"

"Um, yeah. I thought there would be more lesbians?"

"We had a few in attendance that I know of, but it does seem that many of our regular lesbian participants are missing."

"Oh," Emmett replied in confusion but perked up. "You know my girlfriend is sort of a lesbian, and I completely support her."

"That is so wonderful of you, Emmett." Jane tilted her head as she replied.

Emmett smiled with pride before sniffing Jane. "You smell good," he said, mesmerized by her scent.

"Really?" Jane smiled.

"Yeah! You smell like lemons or something."

"Oh," Jane pulled out a small tube. She gently massaged it from the base to the tip and squirted out some white cream into Emmet's hand. "I believe you are detecting my White Citrus anti-bacterial hand lotion. Stimulating to the olfactory senses, isn't it?"

"Danny boy, I have to get some of this!" Emmett's hands were on his face as he kept inhaling the lotion.

I thanked Jane and the other ladies as I dragged Emmett out of the conference room, still sniffing his hands. I was developing a sore throat and feeling exhausted.

"Please come again!" she shouted after us.

-oOo-

On Friday, one day before our big date, I had all the symptoms of a classic rhinovirus, otherwise known as the common cold. I started to panic. I didn't want to be sick for my big date! I was sneezing and coughing all day. My classes went by in slow motion.

The highlight of my day was right after biology, when Bella brushed up against me and whispered into my ear. "I'm really excited about our date, Daniel."

I fiddled with my glasses and looked down. "Uh…so am I. I already made reservations and bought tickets for some entertainment, keeping in mind your interests of course. Are you sure you still want to go out? I mean, you don't have to if you've changed your mind. I can cancel the reservations and get a partial refund for the tickets and–"

"Daniel!" Bella caught my eyes and smiled, stopping me before I rambled on any further. I could gaze into her brown depths all day long. "I am really, really looking forward to us spending more time alone together."

I gulped.

"That's excellent. I'll finish making preparations this evening," I sneezed into my handkie.

"So, where are we going?" she sang, hanging onto my arm.

I smiled. "Uh… it's supposed to be a surprise."

"Oooooh! I love surprises. Bella was bouncing up and down, causing her large breasts to rub up and down my arm."

"Great!" I coughed. "I'll see you tomorrow if we don't run into each other sooner."

Bella suddenly looked concerned. "Hey, are you going to be ok? We can postpone it, you know."

"Oh no, no! I'll be fine. I've been looking forward to going out all week."

Bella was beaming.

-oOo-

"Yeah dude, you better just skip practice and rest up or something. You don't want to cancel. Women never let you live that shit down. Trust me!" Emmett grabbed his balls and walked out the door.

I was passed out for four hours.

I woke up to Emmett smiling in my face with wet hair. He was fresh from the shower. "Come on man, let's go grab some dinner. It's Mexican tonight and rumor has it they're serving chicken mole."

"Oooh!" I rubbed my eyes and hopped down from my bunk.

"First though, you need to sanitize." I held out my hands while Emmett squirted the antiseptic hand goo into my palms.

Rosalie was standing in the doorway.

"Hey Daniel!"

"Hello Rosalie. Where's Alice?"

Rosalie shrugged her shoulders. "She left a note. Said she was hanging out with her _friend_ from Texas tonight."

"When are we finally gonna meet him?" Emmett asked.

"She should bring him along. Mexican night is becoming a tradition." I added.

"I'll let her know, but this bitch is starving so let's get some grub."

Emmett wiped the door handles down with a bleach wipe on our way out. After grabbing our heaping piles of food we went looking for a table.

Emmett had a huge smile. "Well, look who we have here. It's Bella!" Emmett's smile quickly dissolved. "And Jessica."

Jessica rolled her eyes.

"Emmett!" Bella scolded then turned to me. "Fancy meeting you here."

I was thrilled to see Bella again. "Well, you know… it's my dorm cafeteria, and I usually eat here."

Emmett kicked me and gave me what Nan would describe as the 'stink eye'.

I sat down next to Bella at the round table.

The mole was fantastic, and I finished off what Rosalie couldn't eat. She sat back from the table, undid her pants and groaned.

"So Daniel, where are you taking Bella for the big 'date'?" Jessica used air quotes.

"Um, well it's a surprise for Bella."

"Oh, come on!" Jessica whined in her nasally voice.

"I wouldn't mind knowing, you can still surprise me with the other thing that you bought tickets for." Bella looked like she really wanted to know.

"Well, if you insist. It's no big deal, really. I planned on taking Bella to The Space Needle… but we can go somewhere else if you like."

Bella gasped, Rosalie smiled, and Emmett winked at me and mouthed the word "smooth".

"I've always wanted to go there!" Bella clapped her hands together.

Jessica snorted. "That's so touristy. Plus, I hear the food is really bad."

Rosalie jumped right in. "What would you know? You're lucky if Mike buys you an extra value meal, and that's only if you promise to blow him in the back of his mom's Le Sabre."

Jessica just glared in silence while Emmett chuckled to himself, obviously proud of his woman.

Bella leaned over towards me. "Sounds perfect! I've always wanted to go. I've never even been up there before."

"Neither have I. Actually the only places I've been off campus were Target and Costco."

Bella sighed. "That's terrible. You've been here over a month! We need to get you out more." She bumped my shoulder.

"The Space Needle is a lovely choice. I hear it's really nice, and the view is going to be awesome with the clear weather."

"Thank you, Rosalie." I felt shy all of a sudden.

"I wish my cheapskate boyfriend would take me there," she added.

Emmett pouted. "Come on, I'm a poor college student. Besides you love all-you-can-eat night at the Spaghetti Factory."

Rosalie laughed. "Yeah, you're right. But still, I want to go someplace nice and romantic sometimes."

Emmett grabbed Rosalie's hand and brought her over, pants undone, to straddle his lap. He pressed his forehead to hers. "Baby, you know we create our own romance, but if you wanna go someplace fancy, I'll take you someplace fancy," he said in a quiet baby tone.

Rosalie smirked and tilted her head. "Yeah, yeah, yeah…. You know, since Alice is gone we have the room to ourselves for a while." Just as she was getting up and fixing her pants, she grabbed their trays to take them to the kitchen. Emmett turned to us and gave two thumbs up and a wink as he followed her.

"So, Jessica, do you have big plans for tomorrow night?" _Please say you have plans. Please say you're going out._ I couldn't really invite Bella to my room after our first date, even if Emmett wasn't there.

She rolled her eyes at me. "Yeah, Mike and I are going to a really important party." I ignored her rudeness and smiled inside. Perhaps if Bella had a nice time she might invite me up for a cup of tea afterwards.

I smiled at them both. "That's wonderful. It sounds like we will all be busy then."

I turned to Bella. "I'll arrange to have a taxi waiting for us at 2:15."

"Why don't we just take the bus? There's a straight shot from the U-district to Seattle Center."

"Bella, I don't want to make you walk too much."

"It's just over to the Ave. No problem! It will save you a ton on cab fare and we already have U-passes."

"Well, if you're sure?"

"Of course." She squeezed my arm. She had me; I would do anything she asked if she kept touching me.

I figured taking the bus would save me about $40 so I gave in. "Alright then. What the lady wants, the lady gets."

After saying our goodbyes, I went back to my room. Emmett had a small bag and was leaving with Rosalie. They walked out with some giggles and a wave, pawing at each other.

I went through my usual night time routine and then collapsed onto my bunk. With a runny nose this bad, I stopped bothering with my handkerchief and switched to toilet paper in the middle of the day. My nose and upper lip was getting raw from my constant sniffles.

-oOo-

I awoke completely stuffed up. My lips were chapped, and my nostrils were painfully cracked. One glance in the mirror to inspect myself and I knew I looked horrible. On top of everything else my eyes were slightly bloodshot.

Just before heading down to U-village, I took a long shower to clear my sinuses. While at the shopping center, I picked up a large box of fancy chocolates, handpicking the individual chocolates to fill the box – mostly 'nuts and chews' according to Rosalie's previous suggestion. Then I went to the flower shop and choose a colorful bouquet of local in-season flowers. I went ahead and bought a vase as well since I was sure Bella didn't have one in her room.

I set out my clothes, figuring I would iron my shirt after I took a late morning nap. After what seemed like just a few minutes I was startled awake by Emmett.

"Danny Boy!" He shook my shoulder. "Don't you need to get ready? You're supposed to pick up Bella in 45 minutes."

I jumped up, hitting my head on the ceiling. "Bollocks!" I shouted holding my head.

"Shit! I didn't mean to startle you. Lemme grab some ice."

I was standing on the floor grabbing my head when he came back.

Emmett handed me a bag of ice. "You look like hell, man."

"I _feel_ like hell." I said holding my head. "I really need to hurry. I can't be late."

Emmett looked around the room. "Looks like you got everything out and ready. Great flowers, by the way." Emmett's eyes zoned in on the box of chocolates. "Fuuuuck, I love chocolates. Why don't girls ever buy the guys chocolates? Can I have one of those? I'm pretty sure Bella won't mind."

"Are you insane? Nota snowflake's chance in Hell!" I squeaked out on in exasperation. Then I felt like a right tool for being so rude and grumpyto my best mate.

At that point, Tyler stopped by and leaned against the door frame. "Oooh, are you boys having a fight?"

"A fight?" Eric interjected. He was right behind Tyler and looked very excited.

"No fighting boys!" Carlisle barged into the room with a large first aid kit.

Emmett laughed and patted me on the back.

"No, we're not fighting," he replied. "But we have a situation. Danny Boy here is sick, injured, and needs to get ready for his big date. He has about half an hour to get his shit together."

Carlisle started examining my head.

"Yeah, you wouldn't be the first top-bunker to get a concussion." He aimed a torch in my eyes and ordered me to follow his fingers. He then proceeded to look under the bag of ice. "Looks okay to me. The bleeding has stopped."

"Thanks Carlisle." I said, happy to have someone with first aid training in the vicinity.

"No problem, man. Hey, is it alright if I, uh… help myself?" He pointed to our little refrigerator.

"Yeah, sure." I said while Emmett proudly opened the door and waved his hand in front like a game show hostess.

Carlisle shook his head in mild disgust. "Eh, never mind. I was hoping you had something stronger than diet rootbeer or strawberry milk."

"Sorry." I smiled.

"Don't worry about it," he said before walking out, disappointed.

"OK," Tyler clapped his hands together three times. "I'm taking control of this situation. Emmett, you iron Daniel's shirt and pants. Eric, you help Daniel in the shower. I'm going to clean up Daniel's combat boots and make him some Theraflu."

The realization that I was finally taking Bella out on a proper date hit me, and I felt a resurgence of energy. I also felt extremely nervous, so it was a great comfort to have Eric in the bathroom with me, regaling tales of his first dates with Tyler as he handed me my toiletries and watched me shave.

When I walked into my room I was greeted with a shiny pair of boots, a freshly pressed shirt and my Union Jack boxers. I had already put on a pair of dark grey underpants so I looked at Emmett with bewilderment.

"Trust me, dude. Just trust me." Emmett slowly nodded.

"Uh… alright." I stood there looking around the room at my three good friends smiling at me, wishing for some privacy.

"Come on guys," Emmett said, always so perceptive. "Let's give him some alone time. He hates it when I stare at his ass."

I changed into the underpants that Emmett selected and put on a fresh t-shirt. I made sure it was a new one without any armpit stains. As I put on my shirt, I noticed that Emmett had done a fantastic job pressing it and even used starch. After tucking it into my black skinny jeans, I instantly felt like a million dollars. I tied my black tie and put on my dark pink sweater vest. I looked in the mirror and knew my face looked awful but the moisturizing cream that Eric handed me certainly made my skin feel better. _I have to get some of this for myself_, I thought. I finished off with my _pièce de résistance_, my maroon velvet jacket. Nan always said it topped off my Sunday best when I wore it to church with her on Sundays. After fixing my hair I opened the door to a series of cat calls from the boys.

I rolled my eyes and walked over to gather Bella's flowers and chocolates. My bus schedule and map of Seattle center were already in my coat pocket.

"Don't you think you are forgetting something?" Emmett asked.

"Uh… Do you want a hug?" I asked opening my arms.

Emmett proceeded to give me a man hug – patting my back but not letting our frontal areas touch. "That was fucking beautiful man, but I was referring to your wallet."

I gasped. "Oh yes, thank you. God, it would have been horrible forgetting that." I proceeded to hook the little chain onto my jeans.

"Now, let me just give you a little advice. When she catches you staring off into space while you're thinking about getting her naked and doing inappropriate things to her, or that delicious egg salad sandwich you had for lunch because she's babbling about boring girlie shit or her period, or even that blank time we all have several times a day when we shut our minds off and think about absolutely nothing… just tell her she looks beautiful. It works every time." Emmett winked at me. _Wow, Emmett seems to know everything there is to know about women._

"Good luck tonight, man," he said with a punch to my arm.

I smiled and nodded. "Thanks." I looked over at Eric and Tyler. "Thanks so much for your help guys."

Eric beamed. "It was totally our pleasure. Stop by our room tomorrow, we want the deets!"

"Totally!" Tyler agreed.

As I proceeded down the hallway, Carlisle was leaning against his door. He gave me a thumbs up then tossed me a little package, hitting me on my noggin. _Oh, a condom!_ I'm certain I turned as pink as my sweater. I quickly placed the condom in my coat pocket.

I smiled and murmured my thanks. Carlisle wiggled his eyebrows. "You just take good care of that sweet little Bella of yours."

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**A/N:** **I promise, the big date has been written and is cumming up for the next chapter. It just needs some tweaking. ;-)**

**Jane's character **and the** Ruben's Round Table ****Discussion **are ideas developed by **Winterstale. ** She sent a couple of hilarious letters to Daniel's advice column and I think she is going to write a cum shot featuring Jane and the boys. I knew I had to incorporate them! Check out her hott Emmett stories. Thank you so much, bb!**  
**

I know that I have at least three hott men reading this story. **Rhi** reads whenever he isn't playing with the large wood between his legs (he's a cellist). **Corey** just started reading and sent me some terrific comments. Finally, I hear that **Morgan** has his lovely wife (Jenn) read to him while they take bubble baths together and listen to the romantic soundtrack that accompanies this AWARD WINNING* story. LOL So, are there any other men out there reading this? 

**Reviews and feedback are always appreciated!**

**

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COOL STUFF: **

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*****Oh my gosh! I am thrilled to announce that **DGCTA** won the **Faithful Shipper Award **for** Best Crossover!** Thank you so much for voting and making this happen. As soon as they send the banner to me I will proudly display it on my blog. *jumps up and down with excitement*

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	16. A Proper Date

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. This story is rated M. **

Big thanks** Rosmarina** and **Bookgeek80 **beta'ing this chapter. I made some changes but I didn't have them do another read-through, so any problems are all on me. :)

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Chapter 15 – A Proper Date

Chapter Song – More Than a Woman by The Bee Gees

I arrived at Bella's cluster with two minutes to spare. I patiently waited and stared at my watch. I didn't want to knock too early as I know that women don't like to be rushed. Finally, the door magically opened and before me stood a lovely goddess of womanly proportions. She wore a sexy little dark-blue dress. It was all satiny and smooth, and I wanted to touch it so badly. Bella had curves in all the right places plus a few extras. When she turned around to walk towards her room, her arse and thighs jiggled like Jell-O from the salad bar. Even in my weakened physical state, I could feel my animalistic urges surge right to my groin.

I still hadn't said a word. My mouth was hanging open and dry and I kept swallowing nervously. After seeing that dress and remembering the blouse that Bella wore to the French film, it began to dawn on me that Bella seemed to wear rather revealing clothing when she thought we'd be alone together. Most of the time she wore jeans and t-shirts or sweaters, which I though she looked quite nice in.

"Bella, you look absolutely sinful! Uh… I mean sensational." I gasped at my inappropriate compliment. "I love that color on you!"

Bella smiled and looked shy. "Thank you," she said demurely.

I finally got my wits about me and held out my arms. "Ta da! I brought you some flowers and chocolates."

"Oh Daniel, these are so lovely! I adore Dahlias. You even brought them in a vase."

I smiled at her delight.

"That is so thoughtful." She looked down at her box and opened it. "And these chocolates look divine. Would you like to try one?" Bell bit into caramel cluster. "Mmmm," she moaned.

"Um… No thanks. They're for you, Bella." I paused and stared at her mouth. "I love watching you enjoy them."

"Well, you have to try a little bite," she said seductively.

"Uh… No!" I practically shouted. I stared off at the wall with a pained expression on my face. "No, you see… when I taste chocolate, a sort of frenzy occurs, and I find it almost impossible to stop. Then the next thing you know I will have devoured the entire box, and I end up with chocolate all over my face, making a mess of myself." I looked down. "I'm disgusting, really." I was ashamed. I don't know why I was confessing that to her. I suppose I just wanted to be honest, to start things off on the right foot.

"It can't be that bad," she gently replied. Bella smiled and rubbed my arm. After finishing her chocolate she was ready to go.

"Let me just grab my coat and umbrella."

The walk to the Ave was lovely. Bella was hanging onto my arm. I was thankful that she had the forethought to bring along an umbrella, though fortunately we didn't need one yet.

After several minutes, I was sure the bus was late. As I pulled out the bus schedule from my coat pocket, Carlisle's condom fell out and bounced off Bella's shoe.

"Bloody hell!" I grabbed my hair and declared. I wanted the crack in the pavement to swallow me whole. I bent down quickly to confiscate the offending prophylactic, but Bella beat me to it.

She raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Extra large and ribbed for her pleasure."

I stared at the ground. "Bella, let me just warn you now. I am going to inadvertently screw up at every possible opportunity."

"Come on now. Have a sense of humor!" Bella laughed and rubbed my arm. She placed the condom in her coat pocket.

"I swear, I didn't put that there… Uh… well, I sort of did, but it's not like you think."

I would have been completely humiliated, but Bella's laughter made me feel strangely at ease. Finally she put me out of my bumbling misery and placed a finger on my lips while rubbing my arm.

When I finally shut up, she gave me her beautiful smile. "It's ok, Daniel. Honestly, I'm not offended at all."

"Alright then." I smiled shyly.

Fortunately, the bus arrived at that moment. I needed a change of scenery.

When we finally arrived at the Seattle Center I pulled out my map and tickets.

"Uh… given your interest in ancient civilizations, I presumed that you also liked anthropology so I bought us tickets to the once-in-a-lifetime Lucy exhibit. If you get bored with that we can see the other parts of the science center."

"What a great idea! I can't wait." She grabbed my hand and started walking.

"You know where we're going?" I asked.

"Not really, but there is a sign over there," she pointed.

The exhibit was amazing, detailing Ethiopia's history, culture, and archeology. Bella was quiet, but she seemed fascinated, reading most of the information presented. Fortunately, she didn't seem bothered by my constant coughing and sniffling.

"Have you ever had Ethiopian food?" I quietly asked.

"No, is it good?"

"Yeah, it's great. Sort of like mild Indian food but you eat it with this really good spongy bread but no utensils. Nan and I used to go sometimes."

"That sound fun. We should totally go."

"I'd love that."

"You sure spent a lot of time with your Nan. She must have been very proud of you, showing off her adorable grandson."

"Well, I had a couple of good mates at school, but I also knew that Nan was pretty old and she needed me. I spent most of my weekends with her, and I also went over a couple times a week to take care of things for her around her house. You know, I'd fix meals and take her shopping. That sort of thing. And every Sunday I'd take her to church. She liked to bring flowers each week so I would help her in the garden in the summers. When she was too weak to work out there, I tended to the garden for her while she ordered me around."

"I can totally visualize it." Bella seemed amused.

"It wasn't so bad, really. She always sent me home with a huge coffee tin of biscuits. Really though, I loved hanging out with Nan."

Bella looked up at me and grabbed my hand, smiling. "Sweet Daniel." She leaned her head into my shoulder.

At the end of the exhibit, were the bones of the Australopithecus, Lucy, our oldest known ancestor.

"Did you know that this exhibit is actually very controversial?"

"No. Why?"

"Many scientists believe it is unethical to move such precious, fragile bones. She's normally kept in a climate controlled chamber. Even moving her causes microscopic damage. Many museums in the states here refused to show her. I suppose they were hoping a boycott would send the message that she shouldn't be moved. I don't know what to think, but she's here and I didn't think you would want to pass up a chance to see her. She's amazing, really. Plus, there's no way you'll go through all of your biology courses without hearing about her several more times."

"This is a fantastic exhibit. I've never seen anything like it. I didn't know they carved churches out of giant stones. Now I wish I could go to Ethiopia and visit."

"Well there happens to be an IMAX film showing a river rafting tour through Ethiopia."

"I love those! Can we make it to one?"

I pulled out my brochure. "It says here there's one in 35 more minutes. We could look around the main hall and amuse ourselves until then."

-oOo-

Bella looked around the room in awe. "OK, I know I shouldn't be but I'm fascinated by these cheesy dinosaurs."

"I know, there's something about animatronics that gets me every time. They just… fascinate me," I said as I looked around in awe.

"I love how they explain what a dinosaur actually is over there, and then they have Pteranadons on display _as_ dinosaurs." Bella started to laugh and held up her hands. "OK, I'm not going to go into all that is just plain wrong with this exhibit!"

I couldn't help but chuckle along with her. "We should watch Jurassic Park on Emmett's big screen sometime so we can laugh at it. The entire premise of acquiring intact DNA out of amber is just plain ridiculous. They couldn't even get good DNA out of non-fossilized Neanderthal bones!"

"It's a date. But we have to do it when Emmett's not there. He can't take the gore. All we ever went to see in high school were romantic comedies." Bella shuddered.

After making our way through the "Jurassic" room, and flushing the clear, educational toilet several times, we found the butterfly house. I held our coats since it was so humid. I finally got a good eyeful of Bella's sexy, slinky dress. At one point Bella had eleven lovely butterflies settled on her, probably thinking she smelled nice because she most certainly did. As we were set to leave, one naughty little lepidopteran was settled in her cleavage. He didn't want to leave his position.

"I can't say I blame the little fellow."

Bella laughed and punched me in the arm_. Oooh, that feels good._ Since we weren't allowed to touch the butterflies as it could damage their delicate wings, Bella pressed her breasts together to encourage him to fly away. Sadly, it worked so I couldn't gaze freely at Bella's décolletage any longer without seeming like a pervert.

"Um… Bella, I shall we check out those naked mole rats that you wanted to see before we head over to the film?"

-oOo-

The IMAX film was excellent except that halfway through I had an uncontrollable coughing fit. I got up to leave so as not to disrupt the other patrons. I suppose I was gone too long trying to control myself because Bella came out, carrying our coats.

"Was it awful?"

"No, the film is great, but I can't leave you out here alone. Aren't you getting lonesome?" She batted her eyelashes at me which made my tummy do funny things. "Besides I think it's almost over anyways."

"I feel awful that you're missing it."

"Hey, it's ok. I was worried about you."

I shook my head. "I'm fine. Are you hungry? It's almost time for our reservations."

"Definitely. I worked up quite an appetite wrestling those butterflies off me."

_And I worked up quite an appetite watching you wrestle those butterflies._

The Space Needle restaurant was terrific. I'd made reservations so that we would be up there to watch the sunset.

Bella looked around the restaurant, shaking her head. "This is so lovely, Daniel. You shouldn't have brought me here. You shouldn't be spending so much on me."

"Bella, I don't have much but what I do have… it makes me happy to spend it on you. As good as the cafeteria food is, I wanted to take you someplace extra nice."

Bella smiled looking at the floor. She seemed so shy all of a sudden. "You know you could have taken me to the Ave, and I would have been perfectly content."

Bella was further impressed once we were seated. "This is… This is amazing. It's the nicest place I have ever been for dinner. My God, the view!"

I looked her straight in the eye. "Yes, the view is spectacular." I then looked out the window. "The scenery outside is lovely too, isn't it? You deserve to go to nice places all the time, Bella."

She blushed and looked down at her menu.

I made sure that Bella received a menu without prices. She noticed right away.

"Daniel, there are no prices on this menu!" She whispered.

"I know," I whispered back. "That's because it's all free for the lovely ladies, so order away."

Bella giggled. I loved the way she seemed to tolerate me and my stupid jokes and generally idiotic behavior. We decided to have steamed clams for a starter. Bella then ordered the halibut while I ordered a giant bowl of the _soupe du jour_, which happened to be chicken noodle.

"It's a shame that we can't order a bottle of wine," I said as I looked at the wine list. "You Americans have some very puritanical drinking laws."

"No kidding, it makes no sense. The guys across the hallway have a full bar setup in their cluster."

After I ordered our food, Bella asked the server to bring us a pot of tea, with some lemon slices and honey. She also ordered two 'Shirley Temples' with extra cherries.

After the waitress left Bella looked annoyed. "Can you believe her?"

"What?"

"She was totally giving you the eye."

"What? Really?" I squeaked out. "Nooooo!" I laughed at the preposterous idea.

"Yeah, that chick was totally checking you out. I can't believe she was flirting with you." Bella leaned in, mockingly serious. "I don't want to have to smack a bitch, but I will if I have to."

Visions of Bella straddling our waitress whilst smacking her to demonstrate her dominance over me flooded my mind. Blood was also flooding to my penis at the thought of Bella's dress getting torn down the front and her large breasts popping out of their bra amidst the all-girl scuffle.

"Daniel, are you okay? You just started spacing out there."

Emmett's wisdom popped into my head. "Bella, I was just thinking how stunning you look tonight."

She smiled widely and looked at her lap. "Thanks. You look really handsome too."

I was so embarrassed I didn't know what to say. The only lady who ever told me I looked handsome was Nan.

Our fancy drinks arrived along with our pot of tea just in time to break up the awkwardness.

I quite liked my Shirley Temple, and I was excited that I got two cherries. I lifted one by the stem. "Bella, here I'd like you to have my cherry."

"Thanks Daniel," she said with delight. After slowly chewing the fruit, she smiled at me while making a little knot with the stem and laying it beside her napkin. _Impressive!_ While I tried to do the same, Bella proceeded to tie knots in the stems of her other two cherries.

"I'm afraid I'm not as good with my tongue as you are."

"You'll learn eventually," she replied, smiling innocently. _Oh my god, is she saying what I think she's saying? _Before I had a chance to ponder that thought, Bella let out a little burp.

"Excuse me!" I declared.

"What was that?" She laughed.

"Uh… well when a lady does something unladylike, a gentleman should take the blame."

"Oh God, Daniel you are too much!"

Our steamed clams were delicious, but Bella seemed a little concerned that I wasn't eating much.

"I know you're sick, but you need to eat something."

"I'm sorry. This awful cold has really ruined my appetite. But please enjoy, I could watch you eat clams all night." I quickly sipped my tea as I leaned on my hand.

Bella tilted her head. "You seem tired too."

"Just a little. But your company really makes me feel better. There is no place I'd rather be right now, no one I'd rather be with."

I grabbed her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. I tried to hide my anxiety. I wasn't used to touching girls outside of my imagination. It was wonderful and frightening all at once. Of course the real thing was infinitely more exciting. Touching the girl of my dreams gave me that funny feeling in my tummy. I tried to change the subject as I pulled my hand away. "Uh… you can barely tell, but it appears that I'm facing to forward, in the direction of the restaurant's rotation. Would you like to change places so you have the better seat?"

"I have a better idea."

Bella moved the place settings and sat down by my side. I made her sit next to the window so she'd have the best view.

As our main courses came we sat quietly taking in the sunset. Fortunately my cough stayed away, likely kept down by the soup and hot tea. As we were about finished, Bella told me more about her mom in Phoenix and the 'hot young stud' she married. That's when I confessed that my father was a good 20 years or so older than my mom.

"Well, at least they're happy, right?"

"Uh, no. Mum had an affair with her marriage guidance counselor." Mum tried to explain to me once how my father wasn't affectionate enough, which was ironic since I don't recall her being affectionate at all with me growing up.

"Oh Daniel," Bella tried to stifle a laugh. "I am so sorry. That's just awful."

I sighed. "The weird thing is that every few days I get these strange emails from them detailing their lives like nothing was wrong. They were barely speaking when I left. Perhaps they're happier now that I'm gone."

Bella grabbed my hand and looked at me. She shook her head, completely serious. "That's impossible." All I could do was smile and nod.

We sat like that holding hands and sipping tea for about half an hour, just watching the sun go down. Seattle was beautiful at night.

"Come on. Let's get you home."

"But you need to have dessert first." I protested.

"Nah, I'm fine."

"What about a coffee? Would you like an espresso?"

"No no. We need to get you into bed, hun."

_Oh my God, she called me 'hun' and said we needed to get into bed._

"Bella, it's only our first date, I don't want you to feel pre-"

"Daniel!" she said, amused. "I mean you're sick and you need some rest."

"Oh, of course!" I was so embarrassed, I kept staring at the table. _Stupid, Daniel!_

I pulled out my wallet when the waitress came by a few minutes later with the check. Just as I opened it up to pull out some cash, two condoms fell out: one glow-in-the-dark onto the table and one strawberry-flavored onto Bella's lap. My head fell forward and banged on the table. It had been the best and worst night of my life, and I was feeling so ill. Actually, the worst night was when I found out that Nan died. It was devastating. There at the restaurant, I was merely paralyzed with humiliation. Bella put her hand on the back of my neck after a few moments. It was cold and felt really wonderful. I let out a slight moan.

"Jesus, Daniel! You're burning up!" Bella exclaimed, her other hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," I said face down into the table.

"You're apologizing for being sick?" She said softly and started rubbing my back. "Don't be silly." She dipped her napkin into her ice water and placed it on my neck. "I know Emmett put those condoms in your wallet, Daniel."

I turned my face towards her with the side of my head on the table. "How do you know that? How can you be sure I'm not some sex crazed pervert?"

"Well, I don't know _that_… yet. But it seems like something Emmett would do. Actually, he did that to me before prom. Slipped one of those with the vibrating ring right into my purse. Of course it fell out in front of my dad. Not that there was any need for it, mind you. It sure got Charlie all worked up over nothing."

I let out a chuckle. Bella knew just what to say.

"Sorry, I'm babbling. Come on, let's get out of here."

Fortunately, I remembered my manners. I pulled out Bella's chair and helped her with her coat.

As we were riding the lift down, Bella grabbed my hand and looked up at me. "Dinner was lovely. The whole afternoon was. Thank you so much!" She gave a little extra squeeze.

I squeezed back. I couldn't contain my smile. "I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself. You're very welcome." Just as the door opened and Bella started to walk out, I gently tugged her arm. As she turned around, I gazed deeply into her eyes.

"I'd love to take you out again sometime."

"I'd like that very much. But first we need to get you well."

-oOo-

Three unsavory characters inhabited the small shelter at the bus stop when we arrived. Although it started to lightly rain, I didn't want Bella sharing their space. I stopped a few paces away and wrapped my arm around her. She popped open her umbrella and huddled close until our bus arrived. It was heavenly. I was so thankful that it continued to rain as it necessitated the continued sharing of Bella's umbrella. What could I do? I had to keep an arm around her so we could huddle under its protection. Once we were safely on the bus, we held hands all the way back to the U-district.

"Well then," I said in front of McMahon Hall. I was suddenly at a loss of words. I didn't know what to do. On the one hand I wanted to spend more time with Bella. On the other, I was afraid I might collapse from exhaustion and fever. I didn't know how to end the evening.

"Yeah?"

I looked around searching for courage. I was pretty sure of what she wanted. "Bella, I want to kiss you so badly, but as you know I'm quite ill, and I'm afraid that I'm horribly contagious. I-I don't want to infect you, but at the same time I… uh…well you'd better wash your hands after touching me. I really don't want you to- "

Bella stopped my incessant babbling by pulling my head down and kissing my neck, leaving a hot trail of little wet smooches along my jaw towards my ear and down to my collar. Feeling her lips on me was pure heaven! One of her hands was in my hair massaging my scalp while the other was wrapped around my waist. Eventually, she nuzzled my neck, resting her head on my shoulder. I think she was actually smelling me. _I hope I smell alright. Should I have used some of Emmett's Axe? _I intensified our embrace by placing my hands on her back and pulling her body closer. I wasn't sure if I was doing it right, but Bella's little sounds of contentment strengthened my confidence. I would have held her as long as she wanted, but we were cut short. As coughing fit started deep in my lungs, Bella started patting my back then rubbing my chest.

"You poor baby!" She said to me as if I were a small child. I was surprised as just how much I liked it.

I managed to barely squeak out a "Yeah."

Smiling up at me, she thanked me again for a lovely evening. "Make sure that when you get back to your room, you drink some water and take some ibuprofen before going to bed. If you don't have any, Emmett does. And send me a text to let me know you didn't die on the way home, alright?"

"Alright Dr. Swan." I happily agreed.

-oOo-

Daniel:_ I've arrived safely. No need to worry. I'm in bed now. _

Bella:_ I'm bringing you a care package tomorrow as well as some TLC! Good night, sweet Daniel. :-)_

Daniel:_ Good night, sweet Bella. :-)_

Emmett was gone, presumably off somewhere with Rosalie. I was thankful to have some time alone with my thoughts. I should have fallen asleep right away given my exhaustion but I couldn't believe how in one month my life had changed so much! Just a few weeks ago I was a lonely loser, alone in the world after my beloved Nan passed away. One of the last things Nan said to me was that I should go to America because Americans are so much fun. I didn't know that Nan knew any Americans, but she certainly seemed to like them on the telly. _Here I am now with wonderful new friends and acquaintances, a best mate, and a girl who seemed to enjoy my company._ I was really getting the impression that Bella liked me.

* * *

**A/N: Alright, so we finally had the proper date. What did you think? Ever have a guy try and impress you on a date? **

I want to apologize for my late review replies. Usually I finish them before starting the next chapter but since I had you all waiting for the date I wanted to get this chapter out ASAP. I'll get to them all eventually!

Daniel and Bella's pictures are posted on his scrapbook. To make it easy on yourselves, why not sign up for email notification on the blogs? Danielsscrapbook(dot)blogspot(dot)com/

I know that three of you have sent in letters for Daniel's advice and he has certainly NOT forgotten about you. He's just a little behind, being a student and all.

**Reviews and feedback are always appreciated!

* * *

**

**COOL STUFF: **

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	17. The Sponge Bath

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbo****ok. I'm just borrowing Daniel and the gang for a bit. This story is rated M, so don't cum crying to me if you are offended! The title alone should tell you that this story just might get a little raunchy. :-D**

Thank you to my wonderful betas, **Rosmarina** and **Bookgeek80**, for their help and suggestions. Thanks also to **Twisted Coincidence** and **FiberKitty** for pre-reading this chapter and assuring me that I should post it.

**THANK YOU ALL** for the support you have given this story by reading, recc'ing, tweeting, and reviewing! I'm blown away. xoxo *hugs*

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Chapter 16- The Sponge Bath

Theme Song – Hot Stuff by Donna Summer

The morning after our big date I woke to the sound of knocking on our door. I felt like I had been trampled by horses. Every muscle in my body ached as well as my head. In addition, my right ear was quite painful, my throat was sore, and my nose was bunged up. I hadn't slept well at all, so I was shocked to see it was 11:30am.

"Fuuuuuuck!" Emmett groaned and slithered out of bed. He was only wearing his underpants. _Jesus Emmett, it's not like you know who's behind that door! It could be a lady!_

"Hey, Baby Girl!" Emmett sounded very happy to see Bella. "Come on in and tell me all about your big date. Did you stay out late?" I could hear him smiling.

At that point I was glad I hadn't woken up any earlier, thus avoiding the third degree about the previous evening Bella and I spent together. _Oh my God, he's hugging her whilst wearing only his underpants! Get your cotton covered anaconda away from her! Dammit!  
_

"No. It was so lovely, but we had to call it an early night because Daniel is sick."

Emmett walked over to a drawer and put on a mask, then proceeded to sanitize his hands. "How sick are we talking?"

"A fever. You know, probably just a bad cold or the flu or something. That's why I'm here." Bella smiled all shyly and held up two shopping bags. "I brought him a care package."

At that point I started coughing and Bella looked over at me.

"Daniel, hey." She walked over, her sweet face beaming.

"Um Bella, I'm so sorry. I'm a bit indisposed at the moment." My mouth was completely dry, and I had what I imagined to be the worst morning breath imaginable. Unfortunately, I had no sense of smell. I felt lost missing one of my senses.

Bella looked at me strangely and put her hand on my forehead. "Shit, Daniel. You're burning up." She pulled my duvet down a little and boldly felt inside my t-shirt. I was shocked, and had I not been so ill I would have been totally aroused. She then placed her cool hands on my face and was feeling around. "You're all sweaty and dehydrated too, sweetie." She pulled my duvet back up to cover me. "When was the last time you drank anything?"

"Um, last night I had a sip of water before bed."

"And when was the last time you went pee pee?" she asked. I was embarrassed being asked such a personal question. I knew it was medically necessary, but I wasn't ready to talk about my bodily functions with Bella yet.

"Just before bed." I shyly replied.

"Do you need to pee pee now?"

"No, really I'm fine. I'll just lay here a bit. I feel really tired and achy. Don't worry about me. I just need some rest." I tried to sound brave and manly.

"Of course you do!" She spoke to me like I was a puppy. "But you've been sweating in bed for 14 hours with no water. Daniel, we need to get you up and get some fluids in you."

"Alright." I tried to get up but I felt instantly dizzy. I almost rolled off my bunk.

"Emmett, get over here and help me him get him down or he's going to fall off."

He whimpered. Emmett was standing on the other side of the room, still clothed only his underpants and slathering anti-bacterial gel all over his pectoral muscles. He didn't want to get infected with my germs.

He climbed up towards my head while Bella stayed at the side to make sure I didn't roll out. She guided me towards Emmett. With Emmett's arm around my waist and his chest pressed to my back, I could feel the strong muscles of his thighs against my buttocks as he pulled me with him and out of my bed. When he finally put me down, I just about stumbled to the floor in my greatly weakened state. Emmett caught me before I hit the ground.

"Do you think you could take him to the bathroom? Help him go potty and all that?"

"Yeah, sure." Emmett nodded. I could tell he was trying to be brave, and I appreciated it.

"I'm gonna put fresh sheets on your bunk, Em. Daniel can't go back up there like this." She waved her hands in front of me.

"That's cool. Sheets are in the closet. I'll go stay at Rosie's." Emmett looked at me and frowned. He was holding my arm over his shoulder and his other arm was wrapped around my waist. "She's gonna make me spoon all night long, you know, so you better get well soon, Danny Boy."

In my semi-delirious state, my mouth had a mind of its own. "I suspect that you secretly like it. In fact, I hear you have a fondness for romantic comedies."

"Shut up, fucker!" He whispered loudly as if Bella didn't know his secret, as if she couldn't hear us. And I knew that 'fucker' was practically a term of endearment coming from him. Sort of like the way girls on the MTV called each other 'bitch' or 'hooker'.

Walking down the hallway we passed Carlisle. "You got him alright, Em?"

"Oh yeah, he weighs nothing."

Carlisle turned to me and punched my shoulder. "Shit Daniel, you need to take it easy on the partying or you'll never graduate." Carlisle winked at me. "OK, I had to say that as your RA. So, uh, you and Bella had a crazy night I take it?"

"Uh…" was all I managed.

"Crazy fucker!" he said as he punched me I the arm again before walking off.

In the bathroom, I took the opportunity to blow my nose, wash my face and brush my teeth. Emmett was standing behind me to make sure I didn't fall.

"So…um…do you need to…uh…go or something?"

"Yeah."

"Let's get you over to a stall so you can sit."

"OK." Normally I might have been quite abashed, but Emmett managed to keep it from becoming a humiliating situation.

"Dude, I grabbed you a roll of TP for the room. You know, for your nose."

"Thanks," I smiled.

Back in our room Bella had Emmett's bed all made up for me. I wasn't sure where she had found the extra pillows.

"Pound Puppy sheets?" Bella raised an eyebrow and looked over at Emmett.

"Shut up. They're vintage!" They both laughed.

"OK, let's get Daniel into bed here."

Emmett sat me down while Bella pulled the socks off my feet and I tucked my tootsies under the covers. Once situated, Emmett grabbed his personal effects and placed them in his backpack.

"I grabbed Carlisle's first aid kit. He said he had a couple of thermometers in there."

Emmett opened up the box and started looking through it. "Don't put this one in his mouth. It's rectal. Here, use this ear one." He handed the instrument to Bella then proceeded to sanitize his hands and wipe down the hard surfaces of the room, while she measured my aural temperature.

"Well this isn't right. It says you have a body temperature of 80."

Bella looked over at Emmett.

"Looks like you're gonna have to take it from his butt." He shrugged, as if this was a perfectly normal thing to do.

"Oh." Bella looked at me.

I didn't see that coming. I didn't know what to say and I was completely exhausted after my trip to the bathroom.

"Uh…I-I…uh…" I tried to say something. Anything. My brain was screaming inside. _The woman of my dreams is about to probe my anus! _I wasn't sure how I felt about that. A large part of me was starting to panic, but I suppose a small part of me was mildly curious about the possible sensations.

Emmett looked at me. "Dude, don't worry about it. It doesn't hurt."

"Don't worry Daniel." Bella put her hand on my arm. "I'm a nursing assistant, you know. In fact, I'll be putting in a few shifts at the care center when I go home over Christmas. Besides, this is the most medically accurate method for measuring your temperature."

Well, I couldn't very well argue with that logic. I nodded my head.

"Do you have any KY?" Bella turned to Emmett.

"Hell no! I only use the highest quality personal lubricants." Emmett started rifling through his 'goodie' drawer and handed a small bottle to Bella. "Here, use this."

Bella's eyes almost popped out of her head. "Burning Desire Cherry Warming Gel? Wha-?"

"Hey." Emmett cut her off and pointed defensively at the bottle. "That stuff will get you into some very tight places."

Bella shook her head and stood up. "Alright, get out for a sec."

"No problem." He held up his hands.

Bella came back and put a hand on my shoulder and spoke softly. "Alright Daniel, why don't you turn on your side, facing the wall?" She helped me roll over. "OK, now I'm going to keep you covered and pull your jammies and under pants down a little." That wasn't so bad. Under the blanket, she freed my top leg and helped me bring it up to my chest. After fiddling with the lubricant (which actually smelled quite nice) she pulled the blanket up a little and grabbed my buttocks.

"Unclench, Sweetie."

I tried to relax as spread me open and gently pushed the thermometer in. I was a extremely embarrassed but Bella had the sweetest voice and I knew that she knew what was best. Besides, Nan always said I had a cute bum. During the 3 minute waiting time, Bella kept a hand on my cheek, squeezing now and then to reassure me. My sphincter felt quite warm from the gel. Finally, she spread my cheeks apart and pulled the thermometer out. She then helped me get my pants back up and got me comfortable again.

"Alright Em, come back in!"

Emmett walked back in the room eating a Baby Ruth candy bar. "So what is it?"

"Shit! It's 102.5 degrees."

"What? Is that bad?" I finally spoke up. I was still unfamiliar with US Fahrenheit temperatures.

Bella turned to me. "Well, sweetie… it's enough to warrant a sponge bath. We need to get you cooled down."

Emmett was standing behind Bella winking and holding his thumbs up.

"But…but…" I was terrified. Several thoughts ran though my head._ I don't want Bella to see me naked; then she will never want to get naked with me. _My bum was one thing, but I wasn't ready to introduce her to my foreskin_. What if it scares her? Is it possible to just have sex in the dark so she never has to see my penis? Should I be having thoughts of sexual intercourse with a girl who just probed my anus? Which wasn't so bad. I mean, the warming gel felt rather nice, actually. Perhaps under different circumstances… How could I even think about such things when I haven't even given Bella a proper kiss yet? Yet? That's awfully presumptuous, Danny Boy. Should I talk with Tyler about manscaping?_

Bella placed a hand on my face. "It's OK Daniel, I've done this before, and I'll be very discrete." Bella smiled like an angel. An angel in a red Wonder Woman t-shirt.

"I-I don't know…." I looked at the wall and trailed off.

Emmett walked over, still practically naked. "Dude, it's either you live out every mans fantasy of having a hot nurse give you a sponge bath, or I take you into the shower with _me_."

I almost choked on the phlegm in my throat in my haste to discourage Emmett's alternative. "Hot nurse! Hot nurse!" I cried and turned quickly to Bella and nodded my head.

"So Bella… Since you seem to have everything under control here, I think I'll take off." Emmett finally slipped on some jeans and a tight t-shirt and turned to me. "Hey Danny Boy, I'll see you in Calc tomorrow, and if you aren't there I'll copy my notes and shit for you. I got your back."

"Thanks, Emmett."

"Bella, call me if you need help or anything. I've got my phone."

After Emmett left, Bella left the room for a few minutes and and returned with a bowl of iced water.

I felt defeated and nervous. I almost wanted to cry. I knew that she was going to find me repulsive, but reckoned it was better that she find out sooner than later. Bella sat back down by my side and grabbed my hand.

"You know what? I brought you a care package, but I didn't realize you were so sick." She was looking concerned and stroking my hand and talking to me as if I was a little boy. I quite liked it. "Do you think you could drink a little something? I brought Gatorade. It has electrolytes, you know."

Bella pulled me into a sitting up position and placed the bottle up to my lips. She wouldn't let me drink as much as I wanted. I didn't realize how thirsty I was. "We have to make sure you can keep this down. Here, take this ibuprofen. It'll help with the fever."

While I was sitting up, she placed a towel down beside the bed then started unbuttoning my pajama top which I didn't mind since I still had a t-shirt on. I think she was expecting me to take my t-shirt off myself, but when I hesitated, she got up to open the curtains a little. She then walked over to turn off the room lights. In the dimly lit room, I was instantly more comfortable with the situation.

"Sweet Daniel, let's get that undershirt off too," she said as she reached towards my waist and pulled it up over my head. I saw her take a glance over my body but she didn't give any indication of how she felt about it. I hoped she wasn't repulsed. She hadn't ever seen me without my shirt on because I always wore a t-shirt to water aerobics. Sadly, a month into my new physical fitness regimen, I hadn't seen any dramatic results in my physique. At least lying down my pot belly wouldn't be so prominent but I still wondered how she felt about my body hair. I seemed to have a bit than the other guys I'd seen in the bathroom. I certainly had more chest hair than Emmett. His skin was very smooth.

Once on my back, she placed a towel over most of my upper torso. She started wiping down my forehead with the cold cloth. It felt so good! She then wiped down my face and neck, alternating the wash cloths to make sure they remained cold.

"Does this feel good?" she asked as she placed her hand on my neck, stroking my jaw with her thumb right around the area she kissed the night before.

The only reply I could manage was a weak "yeah" as I smiled. That made her smile too.

Bella took each of my arms and wiped them down, not drying me off, so that the water would draw the heat from my body. After removing the towel, she wiped down my chest. I started to get cold and my nipples hardened at the sensation. I curved in my shoulders and tried to turn away but Bella kept me still with her hand on my ribs.

She smiled again, looking over my chest. "You're beautiful, Daniel. I don't know why you're so shy."

It was the loveliest thing a girl had ever said to me. _Could a girl as beautiful as Bella possibly find me attractive? _I couldn't contain my smile as she quickly moved on and wiped down my tummy and my sides with the cool cloth. I also couldn't contain the erection forming in my pants. I adjusted my legs, but I couldn't really hide it.

"Uh…um…" I started to sit up.

"It's OK. It happens." She shrugged. Thank God Bella wasn't horrified at my uncouth behavior!

"I'm so sorry…" I choked out, feeling embarrassed again. _Why did I have to go and ruin the moment?_

"Relax, it's alright." She placed her hand on my chest, right over my heart. "Really, it's natural." She gave me a reassuring smile and gave me more of the electrolyte solution to drink.

"Why don't we get you on your tummy? I can wipe down your back then give you a little massage for those aching muscles?"

_Bless her!_ I could have kissed her for letting me cover up my humiliation. It wasn't the most comfortable position in my aroused state, so I tried to discretely adjust my engorged manhood. Thank God, she let me keep my pants on!

Gradually, as I became accustomed to having Bella's hands on me, I started to relax. This level of physical contact was completely new to me.

After wiping down my back, she rubbed a little oil on her hands and proceeded to slowly massage my muscles. Had I not been feeling so sick, I would have been in heaven. I was so relaxed I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up, I found Bella reading from her biology textbook. I had only a sheet over me.

"Bella, I'm so sorry."

"Heeeey!" She looked up and smiled.

"That was so rude of me." I said as she walked over to the bed.

Kneeling down, she placed a hand on my face and felt my forehead with the other. "Looks like your fever broke. How do you feel?"

I nodded. _I feel better._

"Good. How about some chicken soup?"

"That sounds good," I replied.

I sat up in bed and sipped on a mug of broth, shirtless. "Do you want to watch the telly for a bit?"

"Sure." Bella grabbed the remote.

We settled on watching Planet of the Apes since there was a marathon on the science fiction channel. I was thrilled that Bella was a fan of the cheesy series. I was even more thrilled when she came over to the bed to sit beside me. She probably would have been more comfortable on the recliner but she chose to sit next to me.

"Thank you, Bella. Thank you for being so sweet and taking care of me."

Bella turned to look at me. "I like taking care of you. I'm glad I could be here. Do you want to lie back down again?"

"Yeah, I'm exhausted."

Bella started to get up but not before I placed my hand on her forearm.

"Please, don't go," I said.

Bella looked puzzled but sat back down. "Alright."

Once she seemed comfortable, I grabbed my pillow and laid my head her lap. Immediately, she began stroking my hair. Eventually she brought her other hand up and ran her fingernails across my shoulders. I think I may have started purring.

"Your hair feels like silk."

"Uh…thank you. I think it's my prescription shampoo."

"Mmmm." She leaned down to smell my head.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"It feels so nice to be cared for."

"I like taking care of you." she said as she continued to pet me. Then she kissed my forehead with so much tenderness that I wanted to cry.

That night Bella stayed over, insisting on sleeping on my bunk. I loved having her on top of me. She explained that she already put on fresh sheets when she changed Emmett's bedding and washed the old linens during my second nap. The way that she was so comfortable with my body gave me confidence to take it to the next level – I couldn't wait to give Bella a proper kiss.

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**A/N: **Alright ladies and pervs, let me know what you think. Were you bothered? ;-)

A picture of sick Daniel is in his scrapbook. Danielsscrapbook(dot)blogspot(dot)com

**As always, reviews and feedback are so appreciated!

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**

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	18. The Gun Range and a Proper Kiss

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. I wish I did because then I'd have a shit ton of money!**

Thank you to my wonderful beta, **Rosmarina,** for her advice. I wish I had a fraction of her talent! Since Bookgeek80 is on holiday, the darling **Hongkongphooey**, stepped in as my English beta for this chapter.

**THANKS** to everyone who has supported this story by reading, recc'ing, tweeting, and reviewing!

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Chapter 17 – The Gun Range and a Proper Kiss

Theme Song – Kiss by The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

On Monday morning I woke up briefly when Bella climbed out of the bunk to get ready for classes. I saw that she was still wearing her Wonder Woman t-shirt and knickers. They had little pink flowers on them, possibly roses, and her right bum cheek was hanging out because one side of her knickers had crawled up the crack of her bottom. I had forgotten that she never had a chance to go back to her dorm room to get her night gown and personal lady things. As bad as I felt that Bella got stuck taking care of me, I couldn't help but admire her lovely thick thighs. Instantly, I felt like a creep for staring at her while she was in such a state of undress. I was about to pretend I was asleep until I started coughing again.

Bella looked over at me. I was caught!

She grabbed a bottle of water and handed it to me. "Here honey, take a sip." She then handed me some toilet paper to blow my nose, only it wasn't the stuff that Emmett brought from the bathroom. It was a lovely product called "Charmin". It was incredibly soft.

"Thank you," I said.

Bella sat down on the bed. "It was part of your care package. I noticed that the dorm TP was bothering your nose." She touched the scabby crust that had formed around my nostrils.

I couldn't help but notice that she wasn't wearing a bra when she reached up to feel my head.

_Ahhh, my morning erection is coming back!_

"You look a lot better today. You must be feeling better too, eh?"

"Yes, I suppose I should get ready for class."

"No way! You definitely need more rest. Just go back to sleep. We've got you covered."

I smiled. "I owe you one… or two."

"Totally! And when you get better you can take me out for a mocha." Bella tilted her head and smiled. She was stroking my hair. "For now though, go back to sleep. I got up extra early."

She turned to me after she got up. "Can I borrow your toothbrush?"

As much as I liked Bella, I knew that sharing a toothbrush was unhygienic. I should have been disgusted, yet I was intrigued. It was such an intimate act.

"Oh, don't worry about it." Bella tried to wave it off when I didn't reply immediately. "I can just use Em's. He won't care."

_Oh Hell no!_

"No no, that's just fine," I quickly replied. Emmett, germaphobe extraordinaire, must feel very close to Bella if he didn't mind her using his toothbrush. I tried to smile although I was scowling inside at the thought of Bella having something of Emmett's in her mouth. I still didn't know what all had gone on between them. Still, whatever it was, I was sure it was in the past.

I lay back down in the dimly lit room and closed my eyes. I couldn't stop thinking about Bella's lovely breasts bouncing freely under her t-shirt. I wanted to nuzzle her num nums. Wonder Woman, indeed! I fell back asleep thinking about nuzzling Bella and the new curious feelings that had been developing since Bella probed my backside. There was certainly something delicious about being so exposed in front of the beautiful woman I admired.

Later on, I woke up all alone and disoriented. After looking around a bit I found a hot mug of ginger tea, two slices of toast with jam, and a note from Bella.

_**Good Morning Sunshine!**_

_**I went to class but I didn't want to wake you. I'll be sure to take thorough notes so you don't get behind. After class I'm going to pick up your calc notes from Em and get your lecture notes for psych. Call me if you need anything! I'm number 2 on your speed dial. **_

_**Yours, Bella**_

_**PS Check out your phone. I went ahead and added the gang to your phonebook.**_

While I was so thankful that I had such good friends to share their notes with me and that I subscribed to the lecture notes for psychology, I was even more thankful that I was part of a 'gang'.

That afternoon Bella dropped off my notes as well as more soup and electrolyte beverage on her way to the library for work. The selfish part of me wished that she could stay and look after me some more. I'd missed her attention all day. I'd missed _her_ all day. It's funny how quickly one can get used to being care for.

"I wish you didn't have to go." I instantly regretted saying anything, feeling like a needy loser.

Bella grabbed my hand and smiled. "I wish I could stay too. Actually, I'd stay if I didn't need to work, but Mrs. Cope will get all pissy if I call in since we've been so busy. You know, I'd say 'fuck it' and stay with you if you were as bad off as yesterday, but you seem to be on the mend. Besides, Emmett will be back soon."

As inconvenient as it was, Bella's work ethic was one of the many things I admired about her.

Emmett came back to the dorm that evening. I had been studying his notes that Bella brought back for me.

"Hey man, how are ya?" He asked as he walked in and slapped me on the shoulder.

"I'm getting on well. Much better than I was yesterday. Thanks for everything." I held up my notes. It was good to see my roommate.

"I drew those just for you." He smirked knowingly and nodded his head. "I figured they'd cheer you up."

I looked down at my notes. Today's margin drawings were a study on nipples.

"Wow, they're lovely." I smiled. I tried not to let on that although I was shocked by Emmett's private artwork, I was quite intrigued by the detailed variety of shapes and sizes from different angles.

"Gotta love the nips, man!"

I couldn't help but chuckle._ Oh I do! _

8====o

By Wednesday I was back in classes but still taking it easy on myself physically. I had barely seen Bella outside of lectures and my heart ached to spend more time with her.

Feeling lonely as I walked back to my room, I ran into Carlisle as he was taping up a poster in the hallway.

_**Let's Go Shootin'!**_

_**Lots of Guns**_

_**6pm Carlisle's Room**_

He placed an arm on my shoulder. "Hey man! First field trip of the year. You really should come to this." He smiled and narrowed his eyes. "You need a real American experience, Danny Boy."

"Uh... I don't know. I'm not really into guns." I gave a nervous laugh. I was terrified of them to be quite honest.

"Hey, I thought you were here on a cultural exchange?"

"Well, I am but… this sounds rather dangerous."

"No way. See, I've got us a UW van reserved, and I'm going to take us all to the shootin' range where they have safety goggles and targets and shit. I'm gonna to teach you guys how to clean, load and shoot a hand gun... safely." He nodded with the last word for emphasis.

Carlisle then held up his hands in mock surrender.

"Listen, what if you go visit a typical American home and they happen to have their nine-millimeter sitting out on the coffee table. Wouldn't you want to know how to disarm it, if necessary?"

"Yes," I thought for a moment. "That does sound sensible. But don't I need to be a citizen or something?"

"Dude, this is America, everybody gets to have a gun. It's a fundamental right. Don't you know anything about our constitution? They should make you read that shit before coming to America."

Rosalie was watching in our room so I asked her if she would like to come along too.

"No thanks, sugar." She laughed and added, "I'm from Forks," as if that was an adequate explanation.

Emmett walked back into our room just then. Thankfully he agreed to go with me but not before I noticed he was using my special toilet paper.

"Hey that's my Charmin!" I pointed out. Emmett was usually very respectful of my things, always asking before he borrowed something. Yet, I was quite upset. That toilet tissue was special to me. It was from Bella.

"I know, but I really needed it and you weren't here and the dorm TP is giving me an ass rash."

"You used it on your… bum?" I was horrified.

"Yeah?" Emmett appeared concerned with me. "Look, Danny Boy. I think you're a little high strung today."

"What do you mean?"

"Toilet paper, dude?" Emmett laughed.

When I realized what an idiot I had been, I was so embarrassed.

"Well, it was from Bella's care package and I haven't seen her much in the past couple of days," I mumbled to the floor.

"Oooooh!" Emmett understood. "I think she's just been busy with her job. Seriously."

Rosalie joined in. "You know she's broke, right? She barely gets any help from her dad and she had to borrow tuition money from Phil. So she really needs that job."

"Oh dear, I didn't realize… I-I…" I felt like an arse.

Emmett punched my shoulder. "It's cool. I know what it's like to want to spend more time with your special lady. Why don't you go visit her at the library or try texting her?"

"That's a good idea. But… Uh… are you sure she wouldn't find that a bit presumptuous?"

"Trust me, man. I think she'd like it."

Before we left for the shooting range I decided to try sending Bella a little message. Since we were on the same family plan, it was free.

_**Dear Bella, I hope you are having a nice day at work. I am excited to go shooting! Sincerely yours, Daniel**_

Once we were in the van, my heart leapt when I saw a return message from Bella.

_**Daniel! Work sux balls. How R U? Can I come 4 Mexican night? Ciao, Bella**_

I was thrilled that Bella wanted to see me again. However, two days was a long time to wait to see her in a social setting.

**Dear Bella, I would love it if you joined us for Mexican night. I am looking forward to seeing you. Sincerely yours, Daniel**

Even though he already knew how to handle a gun (_Dude, I'm from Forks_), Emmett confessed that he was lured in by the trip to Dairy Queen afterward. I was having a wonderful time, but I kept thinking about Bella. She couldn't come because she had to work. However, I'm not sure she would have come anyway since she mentioned that she too already knew how to handle a gun. (_Daniel, I'm from Forks. Plus, my dad's the police chief._)

Our excursion to the gun range proved to be both educational and exciting. Carlisle owned six different handguns that he kept locked up in the dorm safe. We weren't allowed to have fire arms in our rooms.

Since Carlisle offered up a free banana split to whoever hit their targets with the most accuracy, I put all my effort into it. With my eye protection and earmuffs on, I fired my shots. I was totally shocked at how the gun kicked back.

"Steady there buddy." Carlisle grabbed my hips. "Relax. Aim. Clench your butt cheeks. Fire." Doing as he said, I hit the center of my target each time.

"Fuck me, Danny Boy, you're a natural!" Emmett ripped off his earmuffs and shouted. I didn't know he had been watching.

Shocked, Carlisle shook his head incredulously and mumbled 'crazy fucker'. I tried to pretend it was no big thing, but deep down inside I smiled. I felt a surge of masculine pride. Surely Bella would select me as a mate, knowing I could protect her. I felt like a 'badass', as Emmett would say.

8====o

On Thursday evening I decided to go and see what Bella was up to at the library. I knew she was working but I just had to see her for a few minutes alone. I couldn't wait another day for Mexican night to call upon Bella socially. It had been so long since I'd felt her touch, and I was desperate for more of her affections. I only had the chance to see her in class, but we were so busy taking notes that we didn't really have time to talk. I wanted to touch her, maybe hold her hand. I was still a bit embarrassed at needing her help when I was sick, but I was pretty certain that she cared for me.

As I got to the library I decided to go through the side doors so that Bella couldn't see me. I wasn't trying to stalk her; I just wanted to watch her without disturbing her. Well, perhaps I was stalking her but only in a good way. Bella was right. She was busy although her supervisor was playing solitaire on her computer. I so was annoyed that she wasn't assisting Bella in helping the library patrons! I watched this for about an hour and a half thinking Bella would eventually get some help. She was such a hard worker. Her continued patience with the library patrons made me respect her even more.

Finally, I was fed up so I decided to take action and go upstairs. I had a plan. When I returned to the circulation desk, I saw that Bella was still busy. I was fuming. When I saw her go help a student at the opposite end of the counter, I walked up to her supervisor.

"Hello!" I said loudly with a big smile. "I know you are terribly busy but I was hoping you could help me find a book."

The middle-aged woman looked at me, apparently peeved that I was interrupting her little game.

"I desperately need this book called _Bryophytes of Central Oregon_. I've already looked it up online. Now, there are three copies listed. One is checked out, but it says there are two left on the shelves. However, I've searched the shelves and I can't find it anywhere."

She let out a huge sigh. After typing into her computer, she finally spoke. "You'll find it on the 3rd floor-"

"Uh… Fifth stack, I know. But neither copy is there." I hated to interrupt a lady but I was on a mission.

"Bella," she said. "Could you help this young man find a book up on the third floor?"

_Yes! _

She played right into my hands. I was so naughty.

Bella looked over at me for the first time and smiled her beautiful smile. "Of course." She seemed surprised but elated to see me.

When we got to the stacks on the third floor, Bella found that the books were indeed missing from their proper place on the shelves.

"Jeez, people have no respect for the libraries!" Bella threw her hands up in frustration.

Being a little embarrassed of my plan, I had forgotten to tell Bella that it was a ruse to get her away from the circulation desk. I shamefully pulled the book down from the shelf above and placed it in its proper location. The other book was indeed missing.

"I-I… Uh…" I was about to apologize until Bella smiled and grabbed my hand. "You were so busy, and that woman wouldn't help you, and I…"

"Oh, you did all this to save me?"

"Well… yes." I looked down at the floor and fiddled with my glasses. I was so embarrassed. "You looked like you needed a break. You've been working so hard for the past couple of hours."

Bella caught my eyes and looked at me with a shocked expression on her face but then she started to smile again.

"Sweet Daniel." She grabbed my shirt and pulled me towards her.

I wasn't sure how I knew, but the time just felt right for a kiss. I bent down and poked my lips out and gently grazed her soft sweet mouth. Even though I had examined kisses in many films and read about kissing tips in a woman's magazine, I still wasn't sure what to do. So I poked out my lips a little further. Bella seemed to really like that because the next thing I knew, she was sucking on my lips like a little fish. I could feel my penis stirring. I knew that as a gentleman, I should move away but all I wanted to do was move closer. I started to get nervous and tremble. I broke the kiss and looked into her eyes.

_Am I doing this correctly? What if we get caught? _

_Do I really care if we get caught? _

_No, I don't believe I do._

I then started kissing her again. Still grabbing my shirt, she pulled me closer. I gently wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her tightly against me. I didn't care if she felt my growing arousal. The next thing I knew, she parted her lips and her tongue dove into my mouth. I tried to follow her lead and do the same. I'd received many kisses from Nan, but they certainly never compared to this. _This_ was the first _real_ kiss of my life!

Bella pulled away, wiping our saliva from her lips. She grabbed my face, stroking my cheeks. "Try closing your mouth just a little bit, sweetie."

I smiled and nodded. I only wanted to touch her and please her. I took a deep breath as I went back in for more action.

I broke the kiss again, panting heavily. "Bella, what if you supervisor comes up here?"

Bella playfully smacked my cheek and told me to "shut up." She started kissing me again with even more enthusiasm. After a few moments she accidentally rubbed her leg on my crotch which had the effect of making me painfully hard in my trousers. I was so aroused that I had no sense of time or space or appropriate behavior. My ears were ringing. Part of me thought I should try talking again so she would smack me some more and the other part just wanted to her do whatever she wanted to me.

After a few moments of pure unadulterated bliss, Bella broke our kiss and adjusted my glasses for me. She gave me a coy smile.

"I suppose I should get back to work."

"Uh… Yes, I suppose so." I rifled through my messenger bag, discretely placing it in front of my throbbing bulge. "Um… I brought you a carton of milk, a boiled egg, and a nut sack. Uh… I was sure to pack it on ice so it would stay fresh."

Bella giggled. She lowered her voice and raised an eyebrow. "I'm starving! I can't wait to eat your nuts, Daniel."

_Oh my!_

I was taken aback by her delightful forwardness. _Would my Bella really want to do such a thing?_ I was intrigued.

I looked Bella in the eye and whispered back. "Bella, I would love it if you ate my nuts, if that is something you'd like to do."

Bella tried to stifle a laugh. "Oh my god, you are killing me!" she said as she wrapped her arm around my upper arm.

After walking downstairs with Bella, I dropped her off at the circulation desk and assured her that I would be back to walk her home. Perhaps if I was lucky she would want to kiss me again. I would be sure to go right back to my room and Google some more kissing tips.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" asked Mrs. Cope.

"Oh yes, Bella was very helpful. She serviced me good and proper." I nodded. I'd hoped that putting in a good word for Bella would impress her boss.

I knew that the swelling in my loins was not going to go down unless I took matters into my own hands. Unfortunately, Emmett was in our room. So out of desperation, I had to doodle my noodle in the men's room. Just a few strokes was all it took to find my sweet release as I visualized Bella on her knees, licking and sucking on my testicles. _Should I shave my scrotum? _I wondered…

I felt so relaxed walking Bella home that night and I was thrilled to carry her book bag for her. Since there were a lot of people around we couldn't really share another passionate kiss but we were able to hold hands. I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek before saying goodbye.

8====o

"Where the Hell is Alice?" Emmett whined. Rosalie and Bella had just arrived to join us for dinner.

"I don't know, baby. I'm sure they will be here any minute but they better hurry the fuck up or they'll run out of chicken, and you can't eat the cheese enchiladas because they stop you up." Rosalie picked up her cell phone just as Alice and a friend came into the door.

"Hey guys!" Alice was very excited to see us. After around of hugs, she clapped her hands together and continued. "As you all know, I met someone new. I'd like to introduce you to my soul mate, Jasmine. You can call her Jazz."

"Hello Jazz," I reached over to shake her hand. "I do believe we've met before." I was so excited to meet her again. She seemed like such a nice lady from the Women's Round table.

I looked over at Emmett. His mouth was hanging open and he looked completely confused. I gave him a little nudge.

"Oh, hi Jazz!" Emmett shook her hand then looked over at Alice. "I didn't know… but you seemed to enjoy…"

"Relax Emmett." Alice gave him a hug and whispered, "I don't know if you noticed, but I was way more into your girlfriend than you. Besides, you two sure know how to show a lesbian a good time!"

"Well, I can't blame you there. Rosalie is pretty fucking hot," he smiled.

Rosalie laughed too, but she still seemed confused. "Alice, honey, I'm your roommate and we've been friends for years. Why didn't you say anything?"

"I… I just wanted to be sure is all," Alice nervously replied. She looked over to Jazz who was sweetly rubbing her arm in comfort. They really did make a lovely couple.

Bella chimed in. "Jeez Alice, you know we would welcome anyone you cared about."

Rosalie agreed, and the girls all started a group hug with lots of back rubbing. I prayed to the gods to make them break out in a nude pillow fight. _Just this once._

Looking over at Emmett, I could tell he had something similar on his mind as well.

Dinner was great. There were plenty of the chicken enchiladas left, much to the glee of Emmett's intestines. Jazz was a real delight. We learned that she was from Texas and she was majoring in Women's Studies with an emphasis on women in history.

"So Daniel, do you want to do a little studying tonight?" Bella asked as dinner was winding down.

"Great idea." I still felt a bit behind in my studies after being ill.

"OK," she smiled. "Well… I was thinking that since Jessica is gone, we could go study over in my room. God knows I don't wanna go back to the library."

Emmett cleared his throat and looked at Bella. "Yeah, we were all gonna to watch Doctor Who on the big screen, since Jazz has never seen it before. So… you guys can't study in our room tonight."

"Uh… well we could study right here since we have all these big tables to spread out on." I sensibly offered.

Emmett kicked me. Bella smiled cocked her head to the side. She was so sexy!

_Oh? _I looked at Bella in confusion and gulped._ Oh!_ _She wants to spend time with me… alone. _

_

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**A/N: That trip to the gun range was based on one of my dorm field trips. It was great and yeah, I was a pretty good shot. However, someone was so offended by it that they set fire to the poster in the hallway.**

Checkout Daniel's scrapbook for sexy pictures of Jazz and Carlisle with his beloved gun. **Danielsscrapbook(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Thanks** to my lovely pre-readers: Twisted Coincidence, calamityme99, TippyL, ssarrahh, and thesunbehindtheeclipsedmoon. I really appreciate you reading the first draft and giving me your opinions!

**As always, reviews and feedback are so appreciated! It may take me a few days, but I love replying to reviews and PMs.*HUGS*

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**

Check out the new **advice letters** and **Eclipse Red Carpet Fashion Commentary** posted on Daniel's advice column. Some of the letters got quite serious so I had to bring in a **panel of Sexperts**. **Deardanielgale(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

Check out the **LOVIN' IN THE OVEN Contest**! It's anonymous and some of your favorite fanfiction characters will be judging, includling **MYSELF**, The Dick, Flowerchild, Dee, and Secretward. I can't wait to read what tasty morsels you cum up with!** Lovinintheovencontest(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	19. Mount Si

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. **I don't even own the term "No No Square". That came from a lovely girl on Twitter but I can't remember her name. :p

Thanks to **Rosmarina** and **Bookgeek80** who went above and beyond the call of duty with their mad beta skillz by editing this chapter twice with superfast turnaround. Any typos or cringe-worthy writing is not their fault. I only give them so much to work with after all. ;-)

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Chapter 18 – Mount Si

Chapter Song – She's a Lady by Tom Jones

"Um…let me just grab my things," I said when we were all back in my room. I had already excused myself to use the bathroom, applied more deodorant, and brushed and flossed my teeth. _I hope I smell alright. _

"Don't forget your blinker," Bella reminded me.

As Emmett was showing Jazz and Alice his DVD collection, Rosalie wiggled her eyebrows at me.

Walking over to Bella's room, I wasn't sure what to expect. Perhaps she really did want to study. We really couldn't study enough since the biology series was a pre-med prerequisite and therefore very competitive.

"Well, we're here." Bella said as she unlocked her door. "Jessica probably won't be back until late since she's at a frat party with Mike."

"Thank God," I muttered.

Bella laughed. "I know. I think I need a new living situation. There's no way I'm going to live with her next year."

"Do you think you can stand her for the rest of the school year?"

"I don't know. I guess so. She isn't so bad." Bella seemed unsure. "Let me go tinkle. I'll be right back." She paused. "Um… make yourself at home, OK? Just stay on my side."

Bella's side didn't have much. Her dorm room was different than mine in that her furniture was all built in, whereas the furniture in our room could be rearranged and the beds stacked. Fortunately, in Bella's room, each occupant could keep all their belongings on their own side.

I sat on Bella's bed while she was on the loo. I leaned down and smelled Bella's lovely scent on her pillows and bedding. It smelled like heaven so I buried my face in her pillows.

"What are you doing?" she laughed. Bella had emptied her bladder very quickly.

"Oh!" I popped up. "I-I was just wondering what sort of detergent you used."

"Costco brand."

"That's nice." I looked around trying to find something to comment on. I was at a loss for words after being caught off guard.

"How about if I put your bag on my desk? If that's alright with you?" Bella suddenly seemed very shy.

"Of course!" I smiled.

Bella gestured over to Jessica's side. "She's really weird about her stuff. Thankfully our room cuts right down the middle so we can stay separate."

"I think I was very lucky, Emmett's a terrific roommate. He shares everything with me, sometimes more than necessary."

Bella sat down beside me and nudged my shoulder. "Yeah, Em's a great guy… and so are you." She looked up at me with her big brown eyes.

I quickly looked down at my hands. I was so embarrassed. _I'm going to do something wrong. I'm going to mess things up._

"Hey," she softly said and grabbed my hand. I looked at her and smiled. I didn't know what else to do.

Fortunately, Bella did because the next thing I knew, she was pulling me down for a kiss. I loved kissing her lips, but I wanted to gain entrance into her mouth and feel her warm slimy tongue on mine, so I licked her lips. She moaned and let me enter. I was very impressed with her straight teeth. After a few moments, she was kissing my neck. I'd had no idea that a kiss like that would feel so good!

When she bent back and looked up, I put my hands around her waist and pulled her onto my lap so that she was straddling me. Like an animal, I pulled her hips down onto my pulsating manhood.

_Oh yes, that's the sweet spot! _Bella ground down then quickly sat up, grabbing my jumper. _Oh no no no! Please don't stop!_

"Jesus, I love your rainbow sweater! Maybe we should take it off? It's kinda warm in here."

I didn't want Bella to see my scrawny body so I made up an excuse. "Oh, I'm a bit chilly actually."

"Alright… perhaps I should turn off the overhead lights too, then?" Bella got up to flip the overhead switch and turn on a desk lamp. The lighting in the room was now dim. I knew she was trying to help me feel emotionally comfortable, and I adored her for it. As she came back she fluffed up some pillows, inviting me to lean back against the head of the bed.

My erection had a mind of its own, squirming around in my blue jeans like a caged animal. Feeling so aroused, I became rather demanding. "Why don't you get back up here," I gently asked as I grabbed her hand, trying to be playful.

Bella was once again on my lap but sitting on my thighs, not quite making contact with my erection. She grabbed my face and started kissing me some more. Sweet gentle kisses. After working her way down my neck, her hands slipped up under my sweater and t-shirt. She started fiddling with my chest hair and nipples. Pinching, rubbing, scratching. It felt delicious and reminded me of when my BooBoo Kitty back home used to crawl up under my sweater to nuzzle. Sometimes she would paw at my nipples, but this was much better!

Bella tilted her head flirtatiously. "You have a t-shirt on. So maybe if we take off just your sweater you can let me keep you warm?"

She looked so innocent and sweet all of a sudden that I couldn't say no to her. I slowly nodded my head.

After pulling off my jumper, Bella smiled and started lifting her shirt. I quickly snapped to my senses and grabbed her hands.

"Wait, Bella." I was a bit confused.

"What? I'm sorry." Apparently she was too.

"I want to make sure you're ready and learn more about you as a person before rushing into anything that might make you uncomfortable later on. My Nan taught me that a gentleman should take a lady on chaperoned strolls, sip tea on the porch, and perhaps steal a kiss or two." I chuckled. "I'm not quite that old-fashioned, but I want you to understand that just because you are beautiful and sexy, it doesn't mean you have to rush things with me. We don't have to fornicate just yet."

Bella grabbed my face and looked me deep into my eyes. "I know that, sweetie, but I'm horny as a goat."

"Bloody hell, I am too!" I breathlessly replied and pulled her wide hips down onto my turgid loins. I thrust my tongue into her mouth and sucked on hers. Bella started rubbing her lady bits on me. The next thing I knew, I felt the familiar aching in my testicles. Bella grabbed me tight as I nuzzled her neck. Having no control over my functions, I grunted like a beast as I ejaculated into my trousers.

"I'm so sorry," I said after I calmed down. Bella was stroking my hair. This was so embarrassing. _How am I ever going to last if we ever have sexual intercourse?_

"Why? I thought that was pretty cool!" She looked ecstatic.

"I should have better control." I couldn't look her in the eye. "I don't have lots and lots of experience like you do."

Bella giggled. "Sweet Daniel, I don't have much experience either."

"Really? You seem like you do."

"Nope. I'm just really, really horny all the time."

"Yeah? So am I!" I was so excited that we had this in common. Although a part of me was hoping that Bella could show me the ropes, another part of me was thrilled that we could learn about our sexuality together.

"Did you have an orgasm too?" I asked a few moments later, feeling hopeful.

Bella laughed and stroked my cheek. "No, Sweet Daniel, it's a bit more complicated than that."

"Oh," I replied, wondering what I was going to have to do to make sure her pleasure was achieved. I'd read some things on the internet, and I'd fantasized about it considerably. However, I was fairly certain that meating a vagina in person would be quite different than researching one in a textbook. Mostly, I was terrified of making a fool out of myself.

Bella interrupted my thoughts with a gentle "Hey" and started kissing me again.

Bella and I lay on her bed a while longer, holding hands and kissing and staring at each other. She smelled so good, and I felt privileged to be lying in her bed with her. I could have stared at my beautiful Bella all night except that it felt like I had glue in my underpants.

8=====o~

The rest of the weekend and the following week was a whirlwind of studying, exams, Bella working, water aerobics, a failed attempt at manscaping, and football practice. We barely had any time alone together and even less time for anything more than a few quick kisses. I was becoming frustrated both sexually and emotionally. More than that, I was still a little embarrassed about my ungentlemanly behavior on Friday. _I hope Bella doesn't think any less of me for ejaculating in my pants right there in front of her. I must have looked like an idiot. _

8=====o~

The weather was unseasonably warm for early November, so the following weekend we decided to go for a hike. Emmett suggested that we go to Mt. Si, about an hour east of Seattle. Since there were eight of us, Carlisle decided to call it a field trip and reserved a UW van. That way, we didn't have to pay for petrol. Brilliant!

Bella looked so cute in her hiking boots, flannel button-down, and pigtails. I sat beside her in the van and held her hand now and then. Although she seemed receptive to my advances, I didn't want to be too obvious to the other passengers and make anyone feel uncomfortable with public displays of affection.

When we got to North Bend, most of the autumn colors had changed to brown but much of the scenery was still green and beautiful. I supposed that was why Washington was called the Evergreen State. At first, we all managed to stay together through the narrow, groomed trail. However, Alice and Bella eventually got tired and slowed down. We all took turns walking back with the other girls, which nobody minded doing. I would have stayed with Bella the whole time but I didn't want to smother her. I was trying hard not to come across as overly needy, and I didn't want Bella to get sick of me. Still, it was nice spending a little time talking with each of my new friends, especially Jazz. She was just like one of the guys.

All of a sudden we heard a scream. Running down the hill we saw Bella kneeling on the ground, her hands and knees covered in mud.

"Bella," I ran over and crouched down in front of her and grabbed her hands. I helped her over to a log. "Are you alright, love?"

She looked a bit stunned. "Yeah, I think so." She nodded her head.

"OK, let's get you cleaned up then." I said as I pulled off my Husky sweatshirt. I used the shirt to wipe most of the mud off her hands and knees. I held the other side of the shirt with pressure to stop the bleeding on her hands. She had scraped a knee and both hands rather badly.

"I loved these jeans," she mumbled as she poked at the tear. I was more concerned with her scraped knee.

Emmett sat down beside her, hugged her, and starting rubbing her back. "Hey Baby Girl, wanna just go home?" he offered.

"Nah, why don't you guys go on ahead and finish? I'll wait here with my book."

Emmett chuckled. "We're sure as shit not gonna leave you here."

"But, we came all this way. It would be embarrassing to leave now," she whined.

"I'm more than happy to stay with Bella," I added and smiled at Emmett, hoping he would get the hint. I wanted to be the one giving Bella the comfort that he was providing.

"Are you sure?" She looked at me. I smiled even wider as I could tell that she wanted me to say yes.

I nodded my head. Of course I would love to spend a couple hours relaxing in the forest with her! It was so hard finding time alone with Bella or having any sense of privacy.

Before I had a chance to say anything, Carlisle handed me his first aid kit. "We need to get her cleaned up so she doesn't get an infection."

"I can do it." I insisted. "You guys go finish the hike. I'll stay with Bella and take her down to that grassy area. We have all we need to stay comfortable." I looked up at Bella and rubbed her uninjured knee.

"OK, give me a call if you need us." Emmett patted the cell phone in his back pocket and smiled knowingly.

After everyone left and I got Bella down the hill, I spread my long raincoat on the ground by a tree to make Bella comfortable and helped her sit down. I then proceeded to clean up Bella's wounds more thoroughly with the first aid kit.

That's when Bella started to cry.

"Oh! Oh no! What's the matter? Why are you crying?" I started to panic.

"I don't know." She quietly sobbed.

"Bella, darling, have I hurt you? I'm so sorry."

"No, it's not that." After a few moments, Bella explained further. "I was just so frustrated that you weren't paying attention to me and then I fell and I feel stupid."

"Uh…I don't understand." I was thoroughly confused.

"We've hardly had a chance to be alone together all week, and today you've hardly walked with me. And now I'm upset and I don't really know why. I don't think I make any sense."

I wasn't sure what to do. Here I was thinking all week that _I_ was the frustrated one.

I wrapped my arm around her and held her close. "First of all, you scraped your hands and knee quite badly, and those superficial skin wounds can be quite painful due to all the nerve endings in the dermis layer. Add that to the exhaustion of climbing a mountain and the sight of your own blood. I can see why you would be upset." I lowered my voice a little. "Now, this past week, I have to confess it's been frustrating for me too. All I could think about was spending more time alone with you."

"Really?" She sniffled.

"Of course! Honestly Bella, I don't think you know what you do to me." I paused and sighed. "As for today, I was trying to not be one of those creepy boyfriends who hangs all over his girl and makes everyone uncomfortable when they spend time with other people." I wiped her tears.

Bella looked at me and smiled widely. "You wanna be my boyfriend?"

"Well of course, I thought that was obvious." I chuckled and finished her wound care while she calmed down.

"Your tiny, little, delicate hands." I mourned as I finished her last bandage.

"It's OK, Daniel. I know I have man-hands."

I kissed her fingertips.

"I think your hands are lovely." I couldn't wait to feel them wrapped around my penis.

I held up my hand in comparison. "See, they are tiny when compared to my ridiculously long fingers. When we walk back, it's probably best if you wrap your arm around mine for balance down the trail. Alright?"

Bella smiled shyly. "I'd like that."

After our lunch, Bella and I lay back on my coat. It was a little chilly since we weren't moving so I put my bloody, mud-covered sweatshirt back on. Bella and I snuggled, covered by her coat, not caring how we might have looked to the other hikers on the trail. I was on my back with Bella resting her head on my upper arm. We shared a few sweet kisses and giggled together. Eventually, I felt one of her bandaged hand up under my shirt, scratching my tummy and eventually working its way up my sternum to my chest hair. Even though it was just a day hike, I was pitching a tent in my pants.

"Mmmm… Daniel. You're so manly!"

"Thank you." I said in my deepest voice. Bella laughed as her hand moved over my nipples. It felt lovely.

"Daniel?"

"Yeah?"

"Why is one of your nipples fuzzy and the older one bald?"

_Oh bollocks!_ I had almost forgotten. "I-I… Uh… well, I wanted to look better and Eric convinced me to wax my chest, you see. It seemed like a good idea at the time. He got two strips done over my left nipple and I just couldn't take the pain anymore. So… uh… I have a bald patch which I'm sure will grow back eventually." I tried to play it off like this was a normal thing to do.

"Oh Daniel! You poor baby. That must have been so painful." The next thing I knew, Bella lifted my shirt to see and started kissing my chest, concentrating on my wounded nipple.

"God, Bella." I was so aroused. Those lips were like magic. Although hiking up Mount Si was nice, what I really wanted to do at that point was mount Bella and nestle betwixt her Twin Peaks. As soon as I was at the point of not caring about the hikers on the trail who could see us we heard the familiar voices of our friends in the distance. With one last kiss, we sat up, trying to look innocent.

"Hey Eric!" Bella yelled. "Leave my boyfriend's nipples alone!"

I was so proud that Bella declared that I was her man, thus staking her claim on me. Before getting a chance to explain, both Carlisle and Emmett held up their hand in surrender with very distinct 'please don't tell us anymore' looks on their faces.

I was relieved and decided to concentrate on Bella and getting her down the steep mountain trail.

On our way home, we snuggled while chatting with our friends. I loved putting my arm around her shoulder, thus alerting any males in the vicinity that she was mine. Eventually Bella fell asleep on me with her hand on my upper thigh. A week ago, I might have discreetly moved her hand away from my no-no square, but now that I was her boyfriend I reckoned it was alright to enjoy the delicious stirring in my trousers that the sensation was causing.

Fortunately, Jessica was nowhere to be found when we got back to Bella's dorm room. A note that she left indicated she would be back around dinner time. While I left Bella to change into some pajama pants, I went to find her a bag of ice to sooth the swelling on her knee.

"Trust me this will really help the healing process. Of course, I'm happy to help you get around campus tomorrow and carry your books, but before you know it, you won't feel much pain at all!" I assured her. She seemed apprehensive.

"I do trust you. I'm just not used to being taken care of." Bella innocently bit her lip.

"Well get used to it. It's my job now. Besides I like taking care of people. Well, I only ever took care of Nan, but I always enjoyed it."

Bella was beaming "I love hearing about your Nan!"

"I also used to take care of her feet. Would you like a foot rub? It might relax you."

"U-huh." She held up a foot.

As I began my ministrations on her feet, Bella started moaning. _Oh my God! Is this what she sounds like when having an orgasm?_

"Wow, Daniel. You have so many talents!" she said as I finished.

I was beaming with pride.

"Would you like me to paint your precious little toes? I used to paint Nan's toenails all the time. I do a really good job." I didn't want Bella to think that I wouldn't be competent at the task.

Bella giggled. "Yeah. My beauty box is up on the shelf right there. You pick the color."

I sorted through the many colors of nail enamel until I found the one I wanted. It was a shade of purple that would look lovely on my sweet Bella. I adjusted my glasses and squinted at the bottle to examine the tiny print. It was called "Perpetual Passion".

I peeked at Bella from under my lashes as I showed her my choice, and she returned my smile.

_Perpetual passion indeed!

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**A/N: Ever have a guy cum in his pants during heavy petting? It's so cute!**

I wanted to give an extra hug to **Rosmarina**. She added in some really great lines, especially at the end.

Thanks to my lovely pre-readers: **Twisted Coincidence**, **TippyL**, and **ssarrahh**. Reading the first crappy draft can't be all that fun! LOL

I loved hearing from all the new reviewers. Thank you for taking them time to let me know how you like the Daniel's adventures. I love chatting with everyone and I so appreciate all your reviews!

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The **LOVIN' IN THE OVEN Contest** is over. We will announce the winners on August 9th. Thanks to all the contestants. That was so brave of you. *HUGS* Go check it out the entries, people!

**Lovinintheovencontest(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	20. Our First Sleepover

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. Just sexin' up the characters a bit.**

Thanks to **Rosmarina** and **Blackhale82 **for their edits and** Twisted Coincidence **for pre-reading.

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Chapter 19 – Our First Sleepover

Theme Song – Buttons by The Pussycat Dolls and Snoop Dog

For the first couple of days after her injury, I carried Bella's books for her and walked with her around campus. Fortunately for the one class for which this task made me late, Emmett was there to take notes. I had to admit, I began to look forward to his little drawings.

I wanted nothing more than to spend time with Bella and take care of her wounded leg, but it was difficult since she too shared a room. By the time Jessica finally stayed at Mike's place on Wednesday, Bella was able to get around quite well. That night, I walked Bella back to her room after she finished work. Even though she said she could manage her book bag just fine, I insisted on carrying it for her. I liked feeling useful, and this seemed like the sort of thing a boyfriend should do, injured girlfriend or not.

As soon as we got into her room, Bella took our bags from me and started kissing me.

"Mmmmm," she moaned. "I've missed you."

I laughed at my silly girl. "I live two buildings away, Bella."

"Well, sometimes, that's just too far away," she whispered.

_Oh my!_

I whimpered. She whimpered. I loved the sounds she made when she was affectionate. They made me feel as if she enjoyed what I did to her physically though I hadn't done much yet. I was nervous about touching those areas that I spent 99.8% of my time thinking about. I constantly wondered what her breasts looked like and what her nipples were like and what she would look like bent over. Oops! I was getting hard again. I'd hoped she didn't mind.

Bella broke our kiss and looked into my eyes. "Do you know what I like best about kissing you, Sweet Daniel?"

"Uh… Well, my breath is always fresh?"

"You always do, but what I like best is the way you use your tongue."

I blushed. "I quite like using my tongue. I've been playing my own trumpet for years."

She was gazing into my eyes. "And I like the way you get instantly hard."

"Well, that's a relief," I chuckled. "Because I can't seem to help it when I'm with you or think about you."

"Do you think about me a lot?"

"Yes," I whispered and kissed her neck. I reckoned that if she liked kissing my neck she might like the same on her. "I think about you all the time," I added between kisses.

She guided me over to her bed.

"My old boyfriend, Edward…" Bella trailed off.

_Well, goodbye erection. _

"He wasn't very good at that stuff."

_YES! Hello erection!_

"I mean he was really good looking and all. He was popular, he had great hair, he was kind, and he wore this cute pea coat all the time…"

_Goodbye again old friend._ I really didn't want to hear all this.

"But in all the time we were together, we never kissed more than quick pecks, usually on the cheek. He hated using his tongue on me, and he didn't want to do anything more than hug. Shit, it was so frustrating and embarrassing. My girlfriends would tell me all about the things their boyfriends would try to do to them, and of course Emmett often tried to give me a play by play. At first I thought he was just being a gentleman. He had very good manners and all…" Bella trailed off and looked sad all of a sudden and it broke my heart. "I don't think he liked me in that way. "

"Maybe he didn't like girls? I know I sure do!" I offered.

After a few moments I spoke again. "You know, Forks doesn't sound like the most progressive town and I would imagine that if one was gay, it might be a good idea to wait until after secondary school before announcing it."

"You think so?" She looked unsure. I was confused, myself. How could a guy not think Bella was the most beautiful girl in the world? How could he not want to pounce on her delectable body like a cat on a mouse?

"It's certainly a possibility. Look, either way it's obvious to me that this Edward fellow had no taste. I can't imagine how a man wouldn't be dying to be intimate with you."

"Really?"

"Of course!"

Bella climbed onto my lap with a big smile. "You say the sweetest things," she cooed.

"Just being honest," I nodded seriously and kissed her some more.

Bella was really enjoying my wet kisses on her neck so I undid a couple buttons on her blouse. I kissed her lower neck and areas that are usually under her blouse. She began breathing quite heavily.

"You're making me crazy." I could feel her fingertips on my neck. I was hoping that she would soon grind her womanly center onto my manly center, but I didn't want to rush things. After hearing about her insecurities perpetuated by that Edward tosser, I didn't want to use her for my own beastly desires. Well, I did, but I knew that wouldn't be the right thing to do. Additionally, I didn't want her trying to prove to herself that she was attractive and desirable by doing things she might regret later. I was determined to show her how beautiful she was the way a true gentleman would.

"Heavens, you smell so good!" I groaned.

"I think that's my Snuggle fabric softener."

"Keep using it. Phthalates be damned!"

After a few more minutes of sweet kisses, I figured it was time to head back.

"Bella," I smiled and touched her cheek, "I should get back. It's past my bed time."

"Um, OK." I could tell she was disappointed. This broke my heart and made it swell at the same time. She didn't want me to leave. Then she shyly added, "Uh…Jessica is at Mike's. Maybe you could stay the night?"

"I-I can't do that." I chuckled. "I didn't bring my pajamas." I hated to say no, but I couldn't very well sleep in my underwear!

"Well, we could always go back and get them and grab your overnight bag." She bit her lip looking nervous and hopeful.

It dawned on me that she really, really wanted me to stay. _She actually likes me enough to want to sleep with me all night in the same bed_. _I wonder what she sleeps in?_ I was thrilled and nervous and lost in my thoughts whilst pondering this.

"But if you're too tired, that's OK," She cheerfully added.

"No! No-no. That sounds lovely. Uh…why don't you wait here?"

I quickly went back to my room, gathering my pajamas, my shaving kit, and fresh clothes (and underpants!) for the next day. To make sure I smelled my best, I also took a very fast shower and went through my dental hygiene regimen. I smiled to myself as I zipped my small rainbow suitcase on wheels. In a way Nan would be coming with me on my journey into manhood.

_This is a big step, Daniel._

Bella opened the door to her cluster in her pink flannel pajamas. They had little Eiffel towers and baguettes all over them. I couldn't contain my smile.

"You look beautiful!" I exclaimed. I don't think I had ever seen such a lovely sight.

Bella blushed. "I've always wanted to go to Paris so Emmett bought these for me for Christmas last year."

_Great, he bought her lingerie. _I seethed internally until a bright idea came into my head. _ Maybe I should be the one to take her to Paris, then?_

"Well, Paris is lovely." I smiled to contain my intense jealousy. "And there is nothing like the taste of egg salad on a fresh baguette. You would love it."

"Oh Daniel, you are so worldly and experienced!" Her eyes got very big.

"Oh well…" I swelled with pride. Did I need to tell her that my trip to Paris was about 5 years ago with my mum who complained incessantly and drove me nearly insane? Or that going to Paris from the UK was probably the equivalent of visiting Vancouver, Canada for Bella? I decided to be a rascal and let her just let her go with the impression that I had a tiny bit of sophistication.

I nodded towards the door. "Well, I should probably go change." I headed off to the bathroom to put on a fresh t-shirt and my best Stuart plaid pajamas.

Bella was sitting on her bed when I came back into her room.

"You shouldn't sleep in a pony tail, you know. The hair around the elastic could break and the pulling on the follicles could cause traction alopecia."

"Oh no!" Bella ripped the elastic out of her hair. I walked over to grab her hair brush.

"May I?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure." Bella scooted up beside me so I could brush her hair. It felt like silk under my fingertips.

Once I was done, she looked like an angel with long silky brown hair.

"You were so gentle. Are you always gentle?"

"Uh…" I stared at the cactus on her desk, smiling. "I could be however you wanted me to be. You just have to show me what you want."

She giggled at my double _entendre_ and I joined in.

I put on my Breathe Right strips and mouth guard and was thrilled to find that Bella wore a dental retainer. She promised that she didn't snore so I left out my ear plugs.

After I set my glasses down on the desk, we crawled into her tiny bed. It was so small that we could only lie down together if we were both on our sides. We shared a few sweet kisses before she rolled away from me, pressing her bottom against my hot loins. I settled in behind her and wrapped my arm around her. She was so soft! My head was right there in her hair. In no time, she noticed my aroused flesh. It must have been uncomfortable for her.

She started to giggle some more.

"I'm thorry, Bella. It's juth that you make me crathy and I'm tho arouthed." I whispered with my mouth guard still in.

"Ith OK, thweet Daniel." She said as she rubbed her bottom over my manly hardness. She reached back and put her hand on my hip, pulling me towards her.

I groaned and grabbed her fleshy thigh. I completely forgot that I was trying to be a respectful boyfriend. The beast inside me took over my brain. And my penis.

"I love feeling your erecthon on me. Ith tho thexthy!"

I swallowed thickly. "You are the thexthy one, my Bella."

She whimpered a little as she rubbed her bum against my loins.

"God Bella, I'm tho clothe! Uhhhhhh… Ahhhhhh… " I groaned into her silky hair as I released into my pants.

Bella turned her head to look at me from the corner of her eye and smiled. She gave my hand a squeeze. "Do you think you can go to thleep now?"

"Uh… Let me jutht go frethen up, ath you ladieth thay."

Fortunately, I brought some fresh underpants just in case this very thing happened. So I went into the bathroom and changed. I wouldn't have been surprised if I could ejaculate in my sleep like a 13 year old, knowing how sexy Bella was. I crawled back into bed and nestled against my lovely girlfriend once again. I was so thrilled to be cuddling with my girl in her bed for the first time. Still, I had a hard time falling asleep that night.

( )( )

Emmett and I were sitting in the HUB drinking some very expensive coffee drinks a couple of days later. I was looking through the newspaper while Emmett was looking through Angela's t-shirt when I heard sensual music coming out of nowhere.

_I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby - But you keep frontin' - Saying what you going do to me - But Iain't seen nothin'_

I quickly noticed it was coming out of my messenger bag. "Oh how exciting! My mobile phone is going off. It's Bella." I kept listening to the song.

_You say you're a big boy - But I can't agree - 'Cause the love you said you had - Ain't been put on me_

Emmett was sucking and nibbling the chocolate off his giant _biscotti_. "Danny Boy, I think your girlfriend's trying to tell you something," he said as he ran this tongue along its chocolaty length.

"What?" I looked at him bewildered when I opened my phone and heard Bella's angelic voice. He never had a chance to complete his thought.

"Hey Daniel!"

"Hello Bella!" I was so thrilled that she called me. "How may I help you?"

Bella laughed. "Well, I was going over to the Ave after class, and I wondered if you wanted to come too? I mean, if you don't have plans or anything."

"That sounds like a lovely way to spend the afternoon. Why don't I pick you up after your French class?" I offered.

"Perfect."

"Alright, see you then."

I closed my phone and turned to Emmett. "What were you saying?"

He laughed and shook his head. "Nothing, Bro," he said with a pat on my back and mouth full.

We both sipped our orange mocha frappes and went about our business when I saw a tampon advert with a $3-OFF coupon.

"Yes!" I exclaimed whilst ripping it out. I knew that it was about time for Amy's menstrual cycle to begin again, if my calculations were correct.

"What the fuck, man?"

"Amy!"

"How do you think Bella would feel about you buying tampons for another woman?" This was coming from a man whose girlfriend joined him in sexual relations with other females. I was baffled.

"I know what you're thinking," he continued. "But there are some things that just go too far. My Rosie is the only girl I would buy vagina cream for." Then he quickly added, "And Bella too if she was desperate. But that's it."

"First of all, they're really for Carlisle. I can tell that he and Amy are still pretty tight."

"That's true. I heard them in the shower this morning." He looked away and smiled.

"Second, I will explain to Bella that I am able to make extra money to spend on her."

"OK." Emmett nodded pensively.

"And finally, if Bella feels left out, I will take the money I saved with my coupon and buy some for her as well. So, I think I have all my bases covered, as you Americans like to say," I explained.

"Shit dude, that's brilliant!"

After my discussion with Emmett, I kept thinking about the ring tone that Bella placed on my phone. Was she trying to send me a message?

( )( )

Bella and I had a wonderful time on the Ave. I made sure to drop off my messenger bag in my room so that I could wear Bella's backpack for her.

We stopped into the drug store first so that I could purchase the tampons. The $20 from Carlisle, minus the $7, plus the $3 coupon meant that I had made enough to buy Bella a box as well and have a little left over.

"These are for my girlfriend!" I said as I placed the boxes on the counter. Bella was looking at the cosmetics when she looked over, gave me a big smile, and waved.

I waved back, beaming with pride. I didn't bother with the complicated reasons that I was also buying some tampons for my mate's girlfriend as well.

"Good for you," the cashier stated. I could tell he was jealous. Poor bloke.

After placing the feminine necessities in the backpack, we went up to the Goodwill store, one of the many second hand shops in the neighborhood. I wanted so badly to help Bella look for clothes but she wouldn't tell me her size. _Ladies are so funny sometimes!_ So, I decided to see what I could find for myself. After several minutes I found a snazzy argyle sweater vest and some fantastic brown corduroy pants.

"Oh, look at the way the butt cheeks are worn down just a little on them. Those are so adorable on you!" Bella cooed after I tried them on and turned around to get her opinion. She then reached into the dressing room and grabbed my bum.

"Aaaaagh!" I yelped like a little girl. "Frisky little thing!" I turned around and bent down to kiss her.

"Well, you make me feel that way."

I touched my forehead to hers and rubber her nose with my own. "Come on then, Frisky. Let's get back and get some dinner."

( )( )

I plopped down in the big chair after dinner, still holding Bella's hand. I tried to pull her into my lap but she resisted, probably not at all interested in feeling my of control erection on her bum again. I knew I needed to get that under control.

"Daniel, I'll squish your skinny legs."

That stung a bit. I wanted more muscles but after all my aquacize and football practices, all they did was tone up.

She must have sensed my disappointment because she started to sit down anyways, resting her bum on the arm of the chair. That wouldn't do, so I moved over a little in the enormous chair and pulled her down just a little while she slung her thighs over mine. It was a lovely position without her having to be pressed onto my erection. And I loved having her on top of me. _Would I be a creeper if I turned on the vibration? _

"I'm going to miss you next weekend," she said softly.

"Me too, but it's only a few days. Besides, I already signed up at the senior center and they need volunteers on Thanksgiving."

"I don't want you to be alone. You can always come to Forks if you change your mind."

"Thanks. But it's not like I'm going to be doing this alone, you know. Tyler and Eric are coming with me. Plus, I just found out we get free meals if we are hanging out when they serve food and that includes a Thanksgiving feast!"

Back in October, I knew we would have a mini break for the American holiday of Thanksgiving. Knowing that most of my friends would be going home, I decided to volunteer at a senior center over the weekend. Apparently, they had a hard time getting staff or volunteers during this particular time of the year and many of the old folks were especially lonely. I decided to help serve the Thanksgiving feast on Thursday. In addition, I was also signed up to lead some activities on Saturday. I thought it would be fun to try knitting again. I wanted to make something nice for Bella for Christmas.

"Ohhhhh. You are so cute." Bella started to coo and pet me.

I blushed and the next thing I knew Bella pulled my head into her bosom. I instinctively wrapped my arms around her waist and nuzzled in, happy as a clam. After a few moments, she pulled back and her eyes were boring into mine. I knew what she wanted.

I slipped my hands up the back of her shirt. Her skin was so soft! Bella started kissing my mouth to encourage me. I wasn't sure which way to send my hands…north to unclasp the prison holding her breasts or south to grip her warm, meaty buttocks. I decided to head north since I would be able to get a better grasp on my targets up there. I trailed my hands up her spine to lead me to the clasp of her bra strap. I knew how it worked because I had practiced a few times on Rosalie's bra, strapped around a pillow. (She often had one laying about our room.) Unfortunately, I couldn't find the hooks. Bella finally noticed my frustration.

"Oh, I forgot it's a front-hook." She blushed.

I gulped. _Oh dear! Oh dear!_ My hands started to shake as brought my hands to her front whilst keeping them under her shirt. Bella's lovely breasts were so prominent that I could easily see the center between them. Without touching her, I placed my fingers into her cleavage and tried pulling it open. I started to panic. I hadn't practiced on this type of contraption and I was getting flustered. Finally after several moments I had it unclasped. I could see her womanly mounds fall out under her t-shirt. Bella let out a dreamy sigh. The anticipation was killing me and I was painfully erect in my trousers.

I decided to place my hand on her back again to start where I left off. I took my time feeling under her bra and running my hands up and down her sides. Panting hard, Bella straddled my lap.

"Mmmm, Daniel," she said just before driving her hot tongue down my throat. I went in for the kill and grasped her plump breasts, kneading them like dough for approximately four seconds.

_Oh my God. It's finally happening! _

Just as I was about to tweak her peaks, the door slammed open.

"Oh hey guys!" Emmett walked in and did a double take when he realized that Bella and I had been getting intimate. He quickly turned away. "It's about fucking time," he said with a smile, while avoiding looking at us. "I'm just going to grab my calculus book and be on my way. Don't forget about the quiz tomorrow."

_Bollocks!_ I had forgotten about that.

"Shit!" Bella cursed. "I'd better leave. I have to study too."

"Maybe we can study together?" I offered.

Bella gave me a deep kiss and laughed. "We both know that right now, if we're together we won't get anything done."

"You're right, but I was having so much fun," I started to whine.

"Me too." She kissed me again. "But we need to be sensible and study."

Well, I couldn't argue with that!

* * *

**A/N: Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. I apologize for my slow updates. It's been a busy summer with my family and work schedule. Thanks for understanding and sticking with Daniel!**

Can't get enough Daniel? I recently posted a Cum Shot called **A Boy and His Pussy** that I wrote with **FiberKitty**. Hope you like cats! I also posted a preview video on the blog. Make sure I'm on **author alert** so you get the **Cum Shots** in your box.

Winners for the LOVIN' IN THE OVEN Contest have been announced. If you like Daniel, I think you will really like my Judge's Choice winner: **Not your Average Food Fetish** by **Revrag**. My review and contest details are posted on my blog (link on main page).

This past week Daniel, Bella and Emmett all made cameo appearances in Chapter 27 of **Falling for the First Time** by **Snowwhiteheart**. You really need to read this fic if you aren't already. She's a genius!

I really want to thank the fine ladies over at the **Twific Pimps** who keep mentioning Daniel's adventures in their** podcasts**. *hugs*


	21. Bella's Bountiful Bosom

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. **This story is rated M. Mom, if you're reading this, NOW is the time to stop. Please!

Thank you so much to my lovely betas, **Rosmarina** and **BlackHale82** for their wonderful feedback and to **Twisted Coincidence** for pre-reading.

* * *

Chapter 20 – Bella's Bountiful Bosom

Theme Song – You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate

Somehow I managed to do well on my calculus quiz which was nothing short of a miracle. I could barely concentrate on my problem sets after Bella had left. Four seconds of heaven it was for my hands, feeling and kneading. Oh God, how I needed her! Once I was alone, I turned the "love lock" on the door (which had I done to begin with I might have gotten a little further with my girlfriend) and vigorously pumped my hardened shaft. I kept thinking about the weighty feel of her breasts in my hands. _Are her nipples as sensitive as mine?_ I couldn't wait to squeeze them and place my mouth on them. Even after two episodes of physical relief, she was still on my mind. I'd barely had the chance to explore her luscious mounds, and I felt the need to snuggle and hold her.

Once classes were over I went back to my room.

Mum and I were on Google Chat when she explained that she and my father needed to go on a couple's holiday to Tahiti for Christmas to work on their marriage. When I explained that the dormitory would be closed for two weeks, she offered to put me up in a hotel. I wasn't sure which was worse, being rejected at Christmas by my own parents or the fact that she assumed I had no one with whom to spend the holidays. Not that I did. As my frustration grew, tears welled up in my eyes. Bella came into the room as I was blowing my nose. It was customary to leave our doors open to be friendly. However, had I known that a conversation with Mum would upset me so, I would have closed it. I thought we were going to arrange airline tickets.

"What's wrong, Daniel?"

"Nothing. It's just…" I couldn't contain my tears any longer and I broke down. Part of me was crying because I was humiliated that my new girlfriend had caught me crying in the first place.

Once I calmed down, I explained the situation to Bella as she held me to her bosom. I nuzzled her num nums a bit. It was so comforting. She was standing beside me, stroking my hair as she listened to my explanation and spoke softly.

"Aw Daniel, I don't think it's because your parents hate you. I think it's just that they're clueless, you know? Like my Dad. He's a complete idiot. He can solve local crimes around town, but he could never figure out why I was angry with him so much when he and my mom were not getting along. And my mom! What kind of mother chooses to live hundreds of miles away from her only child? All we can do is learn from our parent's idiotic behavior and try not to make the same mistakes."

"Yes, I suppose you're right. I know in their weird distant way that my parents love me. It's not like I ever gave them any trouble."

I nuzzled a little more.

"The funny thing is that I really don't want to go back to Guildford anyway. I'm not homesick at all, and I really don't look forward to when I have to go back this summer."

"But you'll be back next Fall right?"

"Um… no?" I sighed. "I don't know. I-I have a place waiting for me at Lincoln College." I pulled away and looked up at Bella. She looked stunned and sad.

She sweetly placed her hands on my cheeks and whispered. "Maybe I can change your mind?"

"You already have. That's not the problem." I leaned in and placed my arms around her soft body. I had been squeezing her for a few moments before Emmett barged into our room and threw his backpack on the chair.

_The love lock, Daniel. The love lock!_

"Jesus, what's wrong?" He said as he noticed my face.

Bella wiped her eyes. I hadn't realized that she had been crying too.

"It's nothing, really. I won't be going back to England for Christmas holiday. Um, my parents are going to Tahiti, so I'm going to stay here in Seattle." I tried to not make a fuss about it.

"No way, dude. You're coming home with me. We have an extra bedroom, and my mom and dad are both great cooks. It'll be just like a bed and breakfast and we can watch TV and play games and turn off our brains for 2 weeks."

"Yeah," Bella lit up. "Em lives just down the road from me, so you can hop on over and visit anytime!"

I was so excited. "Sounds great! I haven't seen much of America, and I can see where my best mate and my lady come from." I instantly regretted declaring that Emmett was my best mate. He was a popular guy, and I was convinced that a large part of why we spent so much time together was out of convenience because I was his roommate. So, I was shocked when a big smile spread across his face.

"Totally!" he agreed, punctuating it with a painful punch to the arm.

"Doh!" I exclaimed with a smile in return, grabbing my shoulder. It was well worth it!

"Oooh, this will be so much fun. We can BBQ all we want and go mooch food over at Bella's." Emmett's smile turned distinctly devilish. "We are going to drive the chief nuts, Danny Boy!"

Bella started to giggle. I was confused.

"Trust me." He looked right at me. "We'll have a blast driving around town in Dad's '63 Nova and picking up our chicks and taking them to the Forks Diner for burgers and fries. We are going to tear up the town!"

_Well that sounds pleasant._ I smiled. Bella started laughing, thus confusing me more.

"Dude, I'm kidding. Forks sucks big hairy balls. I mean it's not like we can go to a pub or anything. But don't worry though, we'll still find some fun. Well, unless you find a better offer for the break." Emmett looked worried suddenly. "Now that I think about it, pretty much any offer is better than mine. Shit!"

"What? Wait!" I was thrilled that Emmett wanted to take me home with him. I didn't care that Forks was a small town. "I want to come home with you, and this way I can spend time with Bella, so I won't cramp your style too much." _Please take me home with you!_ I screamed in my head.

"Yeah, OK. Cool!" Emmett smiled over to Bella.

"This'll work out perfect. I'd take you home with me, Sweetie, but my dad is a total grump, and you would have to sleep on the living room couch while he gives you the evil eye for two weeks. You'll be way better off at the McCarty's house."

"Don't forget the _Hugs Not Drugs!_ and _Just Say No!_ lectures." Emmett laughed as he stuffed some clothing into his gym bag.

Bella rolled her eyes then looked over at me. "Yeah, Dad's trapped in the law enforcement 80's."

Emmett threw his bag over his muscular shoulder. "So now that that's settled, I'm off to meet up with Rosalie. We're going for a run and then have hot, dirty monkey sex. You guys wanna join us?" He waited a moment before adding in an extra serious tone, "For the run, of course."

"No!" we said in unison.

"OK then. You kids have fun." Emmett gave us a playful wink. "And for fuck's sake lock the fucking door, will ya? I'm sick of walking in on you guys humping in the chair." He pointed to the canister of germ wipes on his desk as he walked out.

"Hey, are you feeling better?" Bella rubbed my shoulder. I looked up and saw that my nuzzling managed to work open a button of her blouse.

"Yes, I suppose so." I smiled, grateful for my gracious friends and trying to peep through the hole in Bella's shirt.

"Good, I was wondering what sort of naughty things I would have to do you to cheer you up."

"Oh? Um, well I-I am still feeling just a little depressed. You know, practically being an orphan and all… in a foreign country… barely able to speak the local dialect." The devil inside me would use any means necessary to get back into heaven of Bella's blouse. I was shameless at this point.

Bella just laughed. Apparently she was amused by my seduction technique. _Good enough!_

"You always make me laugh!" she said as she sat down on the side of the chair and began kissing me. She ran her fingers up and down my neck giving me the shivers. I was so aroused, I couldn't get my tongue down deep enough into her throat. I pondered what other orifices I could dive my tongue into. Finally, I broke the kiss and stared nudging the top button of her blouse. _One more down, five more to go. _

All of a sudden, she put her hand over her mouth and gasped. "Are you trying to peak into my blouse?"

"Uh…" I tried to look innocent.

"Because if you are, it's only fair that if you get to undo a button, then I get to undo one."

I couldn't contain my smile. The thought of Bella undressing for me sounded fantastic.

"If you undo a button of mine, I get to undo a button of yours," she clarified as if reading my mind.

"Oh!" _It's alright, Daniel, she has seen your soggy chest before._

Bella got up and turned the dead bolt. She had a big mischievous smile on her face when she turned around and straddled my lap.

Lightly brushing her fingers down my throat, she undid two of my buttons. "Don't think I wasn't paying attention." She winked.

With one more passionate kiss we practically tore each other's shirts off. I would have been more self-conscious, but Bella looked quite pleased while trailing her fingers on my skin. I loved her touch.

"Mmm… Daniel. You are so masculine and hairy."

I leaned my face in between her breasts and reached up to the smooth satin cups of her pink bra. I gently teased her skin and reached around toward her back to skillfully unclasp it.

"What if you don't like them?" Bella shivered and seemed nervous.

"It's too late. I already do."

Bella looked as shy as I usually felt as she started to pull her straps down.

"Wait, love. If you aren't comfortable with that yet, it's OK. I'll gladly wait until you are. There's no rush, right?"

Bella gave me a little smile and continued, throwing her bra on the floor.

Right in front of me at eye level were the two most beautiful breasts I could ever imagine staring right at me. Her large nipples were so hard they could have poked my eyes out.

_What a way to go blind._

I was mesmerized, lost in a trance of Bella's heaving bosom.

"They… are… so… big!" was all I could manage to choke out.

Bella's hands immediately went up to cover herself. I reached up and placed my hands on hers.

Looking her in the eyes, I said, "They're perfect. They're beautiful. You're beautiful."

Slowly, she brought her hands back down. I lifted my large hands up to cup her creamy mounds. Whoever said that more than a handful was a waste apparently had no imagination. Bringing them together, I nestled my face in her immense cleavage, just as I had been fantasizing about since I'd met her. I loved the feel of her soft, silky skin on my face. Bella was so patient with me as I explored her and kissed her. She moaned like a woman in one of Emmett's X-rated films when I suckled her nipples. I think she liked that.

As if she couldn't help herself, she started to grind against my engorgement.

"Oh God, Bella!" I said as I stopped her hips from moving. "You know that if you stimulate me too much I'm going to ejaculate prematurely." I lowered my voice. "You know very well what you do to me."

"Let's pull it out then?" Bella inquired and reached out.

"Um….no, not yet." I still wasn't ready to reveal my foreskin. Actually, I was scared to death she would be repulsed.

Bella smirked and sat back on my legs a bit, giving me very good access to between her spread thighs. As badly as I wanted to get into her pants, I knew we weren't ready for that yet. However, it seemed like a good time to try and touch her lady bits through the outside of her blue jeans. Bella's hands were on my shoulders as I rubbed my fingers up and down her fleshy thighs, slowly running my thumbs along her vulva when my hands reached the apex. I wasn't sure of I was stroking the right spots, but if my calculations were correct I was somewhere in the vicinity of her clitoris. I hoped. I knew from my years of research on female genitalia that this was the magic button which would bring Bella to her sweet release. Of course, knowing the anatomy of the vulva from a textbook was much different than finding my coordinates _in vivo_, obscured by denim.

Eventually, her breathing was heavy as I teased her delicate softness.

"Are you having an orgasm?" I inquired, hoping desperately that she would answer in the affirmative.

"No sweetie, not yet. But it feels really good," she nodded.

"Are you alright? Am I being too pushy? I don't want to be a cad!" I was concerned that I was pushing Bella too fast. And I was a bit worried that Bella wasn't having an orgasm from my ministrations. It seemed so much easier for me to find my moment of ecstasy.

"No, no. This is perfect. I'm happy with what we're doing, getting to know each other slowly."

"Me too. You're so beautiful. I can't believe I'm sitting here with my topless girlfriend on my lap. This is the best moment of my life!" I couldn't contain my glee.

"I can't believe I have such a hot, sexy boyfriend," she said with a giggle. "What do you say we hop up there and take a little nap?"

"Um… sure." I really didn't want to stop what we were doing. I reached for my shirt but before I could grab it, Bella grabbed my hand and shook her head.

"I'm a little tired and this way we can relax and kiss and touch a bit before falling asleep."

I gulped. _A topless nap? How naughty!_

We barely fit into the top bunk but I didn't care. There we were – shirtless and feeling blissful. Bella was in a better position to caress my chest, and she seemed to enjoy my constant fondling and kissing of her magnificent globes. I was thrilled that she wasn't put off by my chest hair and laved extra attention upon 'Baldie', as she liked to refer to my hairless nipple.

We cuddled and caressed each other as we fell asleep. I had never felt such happiness.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading Daniel's adventures. You reviews mean a lot to me! If you leave a review, even a short one, it lets me know that you like seeing naked Daniel.** ;-o**

Be sure to visit my** Curvy Girls** page! It's a list of Fanfiction stories for voluptuous vixens. Please contact me if you have any stories or banners to add. You can find it on the Danielgaleh00rs blog (link on main page).


	22. Her Sweet Release

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. This is all in good fun!  
**

Huge thanks to **Rosmarina** (my fantasic beta), **Blackhale82 **(my Britpicker), and** Twisted Coincidence **(my prereader) who all turned this chapter around with lightening speed!

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Chapter 21 – Her Sweet Release

Theme song – Lady by Kenny Rogers

After a lovely dinner of Ethiopian food up on Capitol Hill, Bella and I came back to our dormitory to try to find some privacy so we could kiss and cuddle a bit. At least that was my goal. I desperately wanted to spend more alone time with Bella before the gang left the next day for Forks. Unfortunately, Emmett was busy in our room with Rosalie and their new girlfriend. And we didn't bother knocking after hearing the moaning coming from Bella's dorm room.

Bella grabbed my arm and looked up. "Don't worry, they'll be done in like three more minutes."

"Do we really want to go in there after it's been tainted by their love-making?" I inquired.

I wasn't trying to be funny, but Bella seemed amused as she dragged me out of the cluster.

"I have an idea!" she said with a twinkle in her eye.

As Bella dragged me down to the car park, I realized that we had to settle on Plan C – the bug.

"Do you think this thing will run tomorrow?" I asked, tapping it on the bonnet. "It hasn't been started in a while."

"We'll just push it down the hill. We've got it down." Bella opened the front door and jumped in the back seat. I ducked in after her.

It wasn't too cramped in there with my arm wrapped around Bella. She seemed well prepared as she had a bottle of water and a blanket in the front seat for us.

She looked bashful, as if she read my mind and had been caught. "I wanted to make sure we had a place to go, just in case." She placed her hand on my knee. The tingling sensation went straight to my loins.

"You are so bloody sensible. I love that about you!" I leaned in for a kiss, savoring the chapstick on Bella's lips. I loved the way she aggressively clutched my vest sweater and pulled me toward her. I braced my hands on either side of her shoulders as her hands started trailing down my chest and up under my t-shirt. She started teasing my skin with feather light touches.

"I love my flowers." She sounded so innocent, as if she wasn't being frisky.

"I hope they last until you get back." I wanted Bella to know that I would be missing her so I bought her a bouquet.

"Well, I'm taking them back home with me. I couldn't leave my beautiful flowers behind!"

"Really? I don't think there will be enough room with the four of you riding back all together. It's going to be cramped as it is."

Bella leaned her forehead into mine. "It's fine. I'll carry them between my feet in the front seat. That way Emmett can drive and he'll be happier that way. Driving makes him feel like he's in charge."

All of a sudden I wished I was going with them. At least I would be making the trip for Christmas holiday.

Bella sensed my sadness. "I don't want you to spend Thanksgiving alone." She firmly grabbed my sides.

"I won't," I promised. "I told you Eric, Tyler and I have plans at the senior center. Besides, this isn't my holiday. You guys go for the weekend and have a good time."

Bella looked down. "Well, since I knew you weren't coming home with me I decided to pick up a couple shifts at the nursing home. Like you said, they always need people."

I groaned. "I was really hoping you'd get some time to relax. You are always working. You deserve to spend some time relaxing."

"I have to, sweetie. I need the money. I can barely afford living in the dorm."

After watching my own savings dwindle, how could I argue with that? I wished I could get a job as well.

"Not too much, alright?" I pleaded.

Bella avoided my question by kissing me. I had to admit it wasn't hard to distract me when I felt her big strong hands on my naked flesh. I wanted slip my hand up her jumper and into the cups of her bra, but I didn't want to be too pushy. I knew she would let me, but I didn't want her to think that was what I was all about. Ten percent of my brain actually was capable of thinking about things other than her curvy naked body, of which I had only seen half. I tried to demonstrate how much I cared for her with my kisses and gentle touches alone.

That night, Emmett and I worked on getting the oil changed and the battery terminals cleaned up so the bug would start the next day.

"Emmett, I've noticed that you don't care much for Bella's father."

"He's alright, I guess." He shrugged. "We just don't particularly care for each other."

Emmett dropped his wrench and cracked his knuckles. "Look at how hard she's working? Asshole makes good money as the police chief so she can't get financial aid, yet he isn't paying for dick. That house they live in? He inherited it free and clear. He's got to be loaded, the cheap fucker. Yet his daughter has to work her ass off to go to school. She's so tired, working those late shifts at the library and keeping her grades up. Babygirl always has made top grades. Back in Forks she kept that house spotless and cooked all the time. And we're talking good shit too, like enchiladas and lasagna." Emmett paused, scratching his thumb across his bottom lip. "God, she makes good lasagna. Anyways, I just don't think he takes care of her very well. He used to leave her alone a lot too. Always fishing with his buddy Billy. She's a little too independent and a little too responsible."

Emmett pretty much confirmed my suspicions about Bella's upbringing, and he certainly seemed more protective of Bella than her father. Still, I was nervous about meeting him.

"Why doesn't he like you? I would think he'd appreciate you looking after her the way you do," I asked a few moments later.

"Well…" Emmett thought for a moment. "He never liked me, but I think the clincher was junior year when he caught me in bed with Bella."

I gasped in horror. Then all the oxygen flew out of my lungs.

Emmett smiled and shook his head. "It's not as bad as you think, bro."

I must have looked shocked.

"We were just cuddling. As friends!" he emphasized. "Bella was feeling bad about herself and we've always been cuddly. I can't help it, I'm a cuddly guy!" An uncontrollable growl rumbled in my chest.

"Danny boy! Relax, I haven't cuddled with Bella in a long time, well before you and she started dating. OK?" Emmett raised his hands in surrender. He did that a lot.

"Alright," I tried to smile. My heart was racing and I tried to calm myself down, but I wasn't exactly happy with this situation.

"I'm just glad she found a boyfriend as cool as you. Obviously, Bella can take care of herself, but she's like radiant and shit around you." Emmett leaned in and winked. "Let's just say her old boyfriend, Eddie, was not fulfilling her needs. If you know what I mean." Emmett made a crude gesture, repeatedly using his right pointer finger to poke through a hole he made with the thumb and fingers of left hand.

"Uh… well thank you for your reassurance." I nodded. I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable with his hand signals. _What is Bella telling him?_

_o-: :-o  
_

"You call me if you need anything and help yourself to the goodie drawer. I even put some snacks in there for you," Emmett said through the window.

Jessica and Rosalie were in the back seat trying to get as far apart from each other as possible. They had a pile of bags and pillows between them. I walked around the car to where Bella was standing. As I kissed her deeply, she grabbed my bum. Rosalie started whistling in the back seat.

"I just can't get enough of you," Bella whispered.

I looked down, smiling and surely turning beet red.

"Me either." I fiddled with my glasses. "Uh… enjoy your weekend… and perhaps we can talk on the phone?"

I kept thinking about how much I wanted to have another sleepless, topless nap with her. Then my thoughts turned to Bella and Emmet cuddling in her bed. My jealousy took over, prompting me to let all those in the vicinity know that Bella was mine.

Placing my hands on her beautiful face I looked down into her dark chocolate eyes, caressed her cheeks, and rammed my tongue down her throat. Bella responded with a wild moan and firm squeezes on my buttocks. Oh yes, her delicious derriere was all mine! To let them know it, I slid my hands down to caress her healthy hams and then gave them a big squeeze with my long fingers.

Lost in a vortex of passion, it was a few moments before we noticed Emmett honking the horn and Rosalie whistling again. To further demonstrate that she was my woman, I finished off our deep kiss with a slap on her arse. Bella stared at me with awe and wonder. She was so aroused. I could almost smell the pheromones radiating from her body.

I lowered my voice and gave her my piercing stare. "Get in the car, you saucy minx. I'll see you in four days."

"Oh-OK. Um… we still have to give it a little push to the hill."

"Nono, get in, love. I can handle this myself."

Emmett started getting out of the car.

"I've got it, bro!" I said to him in my commanding voice and gave a manly salute.

Emmett nodded and got back in.

As I pushed and pushed, I realized that perhaps my testosterone-laden body just might not be able to push a small car with four adults up the slight incline of the car park to get to the hill.

"Fuck, bro!" He got out of the car and immediately started pushing. "Sorry, I had the parking brake on. I haven't driven this piece of shit in weeks."

_Bless Emmett for saving me from my ego-driven stupidity!_

I instantly regretted staying in Seattle as I watched the little bug go down the hill and start up.

_o-: :-o_

Eric, Tyler, and I had a wonderful time at the senior center on Thanksgiving Day. We helped set up and decorate for the dinner, and I got the special job of peeling potatoes. Once we had everyone served, we were allowed to eat all we wanted. After filling my plate I was all set to go sit with my mates until Mary, one of the coordinators, asked if I would go sit with one of the guests and her granddaughter.

"Mrs. Jones here is from England, Daniel. This is her granddaughter, Elizabeth. I thought you might enjoy talking for a few moments."

I smiled and nodded. After all I was here to help out in any way I could.

"Hello! Would you lovely ladies mind if I sat down and ate with you?" I looked to the ladies for permission.

"Johnny, there you are! How are things going at the university?" Mrs. Jones grabbed my hand and pulled me down.

I quickly pulled up a plastic chair. "Oh, it's grand. Studying hard, you know. I'm majoring in biology." Her granddaughter smiled at me, relieved that I was playing along.

"Oh, that's good. You aren't still dating that awful Martha are you?"

"Um… no. No, I'm not."

"Thank God, that girl is a slut!" I was shocked at such colorful language coming from an older lady. Elizabeth, her granddaughter, started laughing.

"Actually, I'm dating a nice girl named, Bella." I whispered into her ear. "I'm hoping that we can get married someday."

Mrs. Jones was tickled. "Oh, that's wonderful! I hope you have lots of babies. I want lots and lots of grandbabies."

"Uh… well, we will certainly try!" I wasn't too keen on the thought of having children but the trying part sounded delightful.

Mrs. Jones leaned over to me. "Can you believe these Americans are trying to make us eat sweet potatoes again? Every year they try to make me eat these disgusting things."

"I know. The pumpkin pie seems a little suspect to me as well." I whispered conspiringly.

Mrs. Jones sighed and looked very sad. "I miss home." I could tell by her accent that she was from Manchester, originally.

"So do I, sometimes." I lied. "But at least you have your lovely granddaughter here." I gestured over to Elizabeth.

Mrs. Jones turned to her granddaughter. "Who are you?" she asked.

It was heartbreaking but Elizabeth just shrugged. So, I introduced her.

"Mrs. Jones, this is my dear friend, Elizabeth."

The rest of our meal was quite pleasant, and I was glad to see that Mrs. Jones enjoyed playing pinochle with the other ladies afterward.

As they left, Elizabeth grabbed my hand. "Thank you for spending time with my grandmother. She really enjoyed your company."

"It was my pleasure. I quite enjoy older people and I was very close to my Nan," I replied.

"You are so kind. Grandma is a little confused as you could see. Martha is actually my mother and I'm an only child. I'm also her only grandchild."

_o-: :-o_

When I got back to my room that evening I stuffed my generous helpings of left-overs into the refrigerator and called Bella. I hoped that she would like the song I picked out for her ring-tone – Lady by Kenny Rogers. It was so romantic, and I had spent many moments thinking of Bella and masturbating while I listened to it.

"Hello." A man's deep voice answered her phone.

"Uh… is Bella there?" I inquired, wondering if I had the wrong number.

"Yep." He said while popping the P. "Hang on." Chief Swan held the phone away from his mouth. "Bella! Someone by the name of Hot Buns-o-Steel is on your cell."

_Oh God, why did I have to program that in her phone?_

"Shit!" I heard her giggle in the background along with some clanking of dishes.

"Hey Daniel, that was classic."

"Glad I could amuse you. Now your father is going to hate me!"

"Nooooo. Well, maybe. Who cares?"

I started to panic. "I just ruined my first impression! I really wanted to impress your father."

Bella was still laughing. "Oh, you certainly made an impression."

"I'm serious," I pleaded.

"Don't worry about it. I'll handle him. So how are you? How was your Thanksgiving?"

"It was nice. How about yours?"

"It was OK. I wish you were here with me though. I'm going to make you a Thanksgiving meal at Christmas so you know what you missed."

"I'd love that." The thought of Bella cooking in the kitchen for me made me feel special inside.

"I miss you. I can't wait to come home. Well, back to the dorm. You know what I mean."

"You feel like home to me," I admitted.

"Yeah, me too."

I smiled to myself.

"Guess where I am right now."

"In the kitchen?"

"No," she giggled. I could tell it was her naughty giggle.

"In your bedroom?"

"Uh-huh. You know, I've been thinking about you all day. I wish I'd gotten to cook for you."

"Me too." I whispered even though I was alone. "I've thought about you all day too."

"What kinds of things did you think about?"

"Beeellaaaaa! You know!"

"Tell me." Bella was whispering too.

"I can't! They were naughty thoughts."

"Naughty thoughts about me?"

"Of course."

"That's good, coz I have dirty thoughts about you all the time."

"Really?" Now my curiosity was piqued.

"I keep thinking about how you smacked me on the ass."

"God, I am so sorry. I-I don't know what came over me. Jealousy, I suppose."

"You have nothing to be jealous of, sweetie. Rosalie and I only kissed once and we were totally drunk. Plus it was like last year."

"Wha-what?"

"Um… That's not what you were talking about?"

"Actually, no." I paused. "Um… So you and Emmett cuddle together a lot?"

"Oh Daniel! Emmett is like my best girlfriend. OK, well maybe not quite, but it's not like you think. Listen, my friendship with Emmett is very special, but the way I feel about him is nothing like the way I feel about you."

"Okaaaaay."

"And, I know he's a bit of a freak but, trust me, he loves Rosalie very much."

"Yeah, I know. I can tell how much he worships her."

"Exactly. Em and I are like gossipy girlfriends, but you're my boyfriend. And um… Well, he did offer to take care of my virginity for me."

"What? Bloody Hell!" I squeaked.

"It was last year. I was so frustrated with Edward! Emmett offered to take me to Victoria and give me a special first time, but I knew it was because he was being a friend and not that he felt passion for me like he did for Rose."

"Rosalie didn't mind?"

"The odd thing was that Rose assured me that it was alright. But my point is that I wanted to wait for someone special for my first time, and I think you're that special someone."

I was overcome with confusion and my feelings for Bella. I was thrilled and frightened that she wanted to have sexual intercourse with me.

"I don't mean to rush you, sweetie. We can take our time. I just wanted to let you know how I felt."

I chuckled, "Well, I think you know how badly I'd like to make love to you and give you pleasure. You know what you do to me."

"I think so." She shyly replied.

"You make me erupt like a volcano."

"I can't wait to get your hot lava all over my hands."

"Heavens!" I choked out.

"Guess where my hand is."

"Holding your mobile phone?"

"Yeeees, but my other hand is in my panties."

I decided to be really bold. "I wish that was my hand in your knickers, giving you pleasure. Will you bring yourself to ecstasy for me?"

"Um… OK. I'm so horny. Shit, Daniel you make me so fucking horny!"

"Really? Well, um, that's good."

"Mmmm…" I could hear shuffling in the background.

"I really love listening to whatever it is that you're doing."

"I just pulled off my sweatpants. It makes me so hot knowing you are listening in. You're a bad boy, aren't you?" she said breathlessly.

"Oh, yes! I wish that was my hand exploring your deep, moist crevices."

I heard more shuffling and moaning. Bella's breathing was becoming quite heavy. _Oh my god, this is really happening!_

"Aaaaah… Daniel! Ooooooh! Uhhhhh!" Bella cried out as she reached her sweet release. _Wow, that didn't take long._ _Bella must really know how to press her love button_. I hoped that one day she would let me watch and show me how to service her properly.

I was already hard but hearing Bella's intense sexual pleasure was like nothing I had ever heard. I wished I had recorded it, but I suppose that would have made me a creeper. I would just have to get her to do it again.

"That was beautiful, Bella." And truly it was. I had never heard a woman have an orgasm before.

"Thanks," she said quietly. "I hope you don't think I'm a pervert."

"No. No, not at all. I find solace knowing you can give yourself the pleasure you need. I do it quite often myself. I can't wait to explore your body. Every inch."

"Oh… I can't wait to get my hands on your cock."

I gasped. My girl was a dirty talker!

"Um… About that-"

"Bella, Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is on in 3 minutes. Hurry up!"

"Shit, Daniel. I have to go."

I tried not to sound disappointed. "Oh, alright."

"Hey, I left something for you in Emmett's goodie drawer. Did you find it yet?"

"No, but I'm getting hungry."

"Well, it's not food but I hope you like it anyways."

"I'm sure I will."

"Have a good night, sweetie, I'll talk to you later."

"Good night, Bella. Thank you for sharing your pleasure with me."

"Oh, we'll do that again! OK, bye bye."

I hung up and sighed. There I was, hard as a rock. I knew it wouldn't take me long to reach my climax. My pre-ejaculatory fluids were already seeping out of my urethra. I got up to find the cherry warming gel in the goodie drawer. I found that Bella had left me her dark blue, satin _brassiere_ and Emmett left a box of chocolate chip cookies. _I would certainly enjoy those later on. _

I pulled off my trousers and underpants but decided to leave on my jumper since it was a little chilly. I climbed up onto my bunk and spent a few moments thinking of Bella's cries of passion while I buried my face into the huge cups of her bra. I kissed the soft padded cups over and over again, rubbing them all over my face. I took in their delicate scent imaging how lucky they were to spend their days supporting Bella's lovely breasts. Leaving her undergarment on my face, I placed a generous helping of warming gel into my cupped hand to simulate Bella's wet vagina.

_Oh yes_, I thought as I groaned. I imagined my face being smothered betwixt her magnificent mammary glands while I fell over the edge. _I love cumming into your dripping wet core, my love._

The rest of my weekend was fairly uneventful. I tried to keep myself occupied with my volunteer activities at the senior center and by getting ahead in my studies. Spending time with the older folks made me feel closer to Nan. How I missed her! Filling in for the leader of the knitting group on Saturday was quite helpful as one of the ladies gave me a pattern and got me started on a scarf for Bella's Christmas present. Some of the older ladies liked my accent so much they asked me to be their BINGO caller on Saturday night.

By Sunday I was aching for Bella. When Emmett showed up in our room on Sunday night, Bella was right behind him. By the time I saw her she was pushing Emmett out if the way and coming for me.

"I hated being so far away from you," I said as she embraced me.

"Me too, sweetie. Me too!"

Bella seemed a little emotional.

"Oh no! What's the matter?"

"I'm just tired," she said as she wiped her eyes. "We drove over after I got off work. It's just been a long day, I guess."

"Well, come on then." I pulled off her coat. She was wearing a sweatshirt and yoga pants. "Why don't you make yourself comfortable and climb on up? You can sleep here tonight. Uh… We'll just go outside a minute so you can get ready for bed."

While going through our evening routine in the bathroom, Emmett informed me that Bella had been working almost constantly since Thanksgiving.

"She is so fucking tired. I had to take over the driving by the time we got to Sequim."

"Poor little sausage. I'm sorry for inviting her to stay without consulting you first. That was rude of me. She just looked so…"

"Hey, it's cool. I don't mind at all. Babygirl is always welcome here."

Emmett and I bro-fisted each other before going back to the room.

"Bella," I called while knocking. When she didn't answer, I slowly opened the door and found her fast asleep. I climbed up onto the narrow bunk and wrapped myself around her. For the first time, I did not get instantly hard while pressed up against her. I was only partially erect as I clung to her like a starfish. This served the purpose of fulfilling my need for a physical connection as well as keeping me from falling off the edge. I was so worried about her. My heart was filled with love and concern for my girl.

* * *

**A/N: I apologize again for my erratic updating schedule.** Real life keeps me from writing as much as I would like but Daniel is always on my mind and in my dirty thoughts.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. It takes me some time to get through them, but I still respond to them all. I love hearing from you! ** ;-)**


	23. Lesson from My Master & Gentlemen's Club

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook.**

Thanks to **BlackHale82** and **Twisted Coincidence** for their help.

Extra special thanks to **Rosmarina** for writing the ice cream segment. She is so wonderful!

_

* * *

_

Chapter 22 – Lesson from My Master and The Gentlemen's Club

Theme Song – Sensual Woman by Herbalizer

The week after Thanksgiving was busy, but Bella seemed quite chipper and happy with our usual routine. And so was I. Our physical relationship remained the same, lots of kissing and fondling from the waist up. While we were both content with our progress, we both knew the main reason for not going further was a general lack of privacy when we needed it. Still, I don't think I had ever been happier in my life. I was just content to be with my girl.

I hoped that at some point soon Bella and I would be able to explore each other's bodies without fear of interruption. We were both a little timid. If it came down to it, I was going to whisk her away to a hotel. But first, I needed more knowledge on pleasuring women. I went to the only man who cared about Bella's pleasure almost as much as I did.

({*})

"You know where the clit is, right?"

"Yes, Emmett. I have studied drawings and reproductions of female anatomy quite extensively." I pointed out the location of the clitoris on the vulva poster hanging by my bed.

"Well, going down on a girl is like…" His eyes roamed the room as he tried to determine a suitable analogy, finally landing on the ice cream in his hand. "Going down on a girl is a lot like licking an ice cream cone."

Oh my! The thought of two of my favorite things together – ice cream and lady bits – gave me an instant erection. _Ta da!_

"Dude, I know all about pleasing the ladies with my tongue. I'm like a Jedi knight in the ways of cunnilingus." He took a sensual lick of his ice cream.

An image of Yoda popped into my head and my erection shriveled. That did not, however, diminish my thirst for Emmett's knowledge.

"Oh Emmett," I pled hopefully, "Would you please be my master? Uh… I mean, my Jedi master."

"Uh… sure," he coughed. Perhaps some of his ice cream went down the wrong way. He scratched his chin, appearing to gather his thoughts. "Okay, let's start with some basic maneuvers. Do what I do."

Emmett flattened his tongue and gave the towering swirl of cold treat a long lick. He started at the edge of the cone and didn't stop until he reached all the way to the tip.

_That looks easy enough._

"Like this?" I imitated the motion.

"Good," he said, nodding. "Here's another one." He stuck just the tip of his tongue out between his teeth, curling it upward into the dessert in a quick flick.

I stuck out my own tongue and curled it into the creamy vanilla of my soft serve cone, gathering a dab of the treat and swallowing it down immediately. _Delicious_!

Emmett's eyes widened. "Good one, Danny boy. You're a natural! Now try this."

He pointed his tongue and waggled it around in circles into the top of his ice cream. Then he closed his lips over the tip and sucked lightly. "Pretend it's her clit, dude. Sometimes it's good to suck on her clit a little." He grinned, "Or a lot if she likes it."

I wasn't sure if I would know how to tell if Bella liked my technique. I wanted to ask Emmett, but I saved my question for another time. The ice cream was beginning to drip.

"Here's another move. This drives Rosalie insane for my dick." He waggled his eyebrows and nodded enthusiastically. "Find her clit and tap it with your tongue like this."

I watched him for a moment and then tried to copy his maneuver. I stuck my tongue out as far as it could go, curling it up towards my top teeth. Then I imagined a particular spot on my creamy treat was Bella's clitoris and flicked the tip of my tongue down to tap the spot quickly and repeatedly.

"Ow! I think I thprained the underthide of my tongue!"

Emmett looked horrified. "You're sticking your tongue out too far, Danny boy!" He paused, clearly thinking. "You're definitely going to have to strengthen that tongue muscle if you want to be good at oral. Okay, skip the tapping technique for now and go back to practicing the other moves while I tell you something very important."

He waited for me to stop rubbing my tongue and begin practicing again.

"Honestly, ninety percent of sex is kissing. Get good at kissing and it will translate to almost everything else, even kinky shit like shrimping."

What the bloody hell did shrimp have to do with kissing, I wondered. Was the climate in Seattle even warm enough to fish for shrimp?

I was distracted from that thought as Emmett continued, ticking items off on his fingers as he made a list. "Kissing her mouth, of course." _One._

"Her face and neck." _Two. Three._

"Kissing her belly and inside her thighs before you go down." _Four. Five._

"Her calf and ankle when her leg is over your shoulder." _Six. Seven._

"Kissing her titties." _Eight. Nine._

"And of course, kissing her pussy." _Ten._ Emmett's hands were splayed in front of him, palms facing me. As if suddenly realizing what it looked like to have his hands out like that, he smirked and mimed squeezing a pair of bosoms.

"Got it?"

"I believe so." I repeated the list, counting on my fingers just as he had. I noticed that Emmett counted each breast separately. Kissing them well must be doubly important. Bella certainly seemed to like it when I kissed hers.

Saying the word pussy out loud felt deliciously naughty. My erection was back and twitching in my pants. I spread a paper napkin over my lap to hide the bulge in my trousers.

"Now if you really wanna send her over the top, go with the alphabet trick. It's easy once you know and drives the girls crazy! All it takes is a little flexibility and a little endurance. Believe me, no girl can withstand the alphabet trick. Here's what you do, Danny boy." Emmett drew a remarkably realistic vulva into his vanilla-chocolate swirl ice cream with his fingertip. "Lips, clit, and vag, got it?" he asked, pointing out the various features.

I nodded in amazement at Emmett's proficiency in recreating the female anatomy in frozen sweet cream. It was an unlikely medium for his arousing artwork. All that time drawing naughty pictures in the margins of his notebook during class had certainly paid off.

"Here's what you do. Just point your tongue like this," he demonstrated. "Then write the alphabet on her clit with your tongue. Every so often you should change it up and lick her with the flat of your tongue again like this."

"Upper case or lower case?"

"Huh?" he looked startled.

"When writing the alphabet with my tongue on a woman's clitoris, should I use upper case or lower case letters?" If Bella ever let me use my new oral skills on her, I didn't want to make a single mistake.

"It doesn't matter, you dork," he laughed.

Didn't it? I frowned. It seemed like a topic that would inspire generous amounts of scientific study. I wondered if the Greek alphabet would be just as effective.

I shrugged and encouraged Emmett to continue the lesson.

"Also, you've got to go inside with your tongue. Lotta rookies skip that part and that's a big mistake. If you're not tongue-fucking then you're not giving your girl the head she deserves, and she's gonna find some other guy to do her."

I considered Emmett's pronouncement. I would give anything to pleasure Bella's lady bits with my mouth. If I were ever so lucky to as to have the opportunity, I would call it _tongue-love-making_.

Emmett had eaten his ice cream down below the rim of the cone by this point. He stuck his tongue all the way out of his mouth and thrust it into the depths of the cone. He had a tongue like Gene Simmons. It was quite daunting really, as I considered the many ways in which Emmett's virility outmatched my own.

"Sometimes you gotta go in and out like this." He held his tongue steady and bobbed his head back and forth, penetrating the cone with force and speed. "Sometimes you gotta go up and down like this." He held his head still and waggled his longue tongue up and down within the cone in vigorous strokes.

"And sometimes you gotta go in circles like this." His tongue remained extended into the makeshift orifice as he moved his head in circles, rubbing the fleshy member against the circumference of the opening.

_2__-pie-__r indeed!_

"Let's take a moment to talk about maintenance."

"Maintenance?" Whatever did he mean?

"Some girls are waxed bare, and some trim their trim, you know what I mean?" He pointed to his crotch.

"Some girls have a whole pussy fro goin' on. If you get a girl with some hair down there, don't flip out if you get a few pubes in your mouth during oral. You gotta mind your table manners just like at any other fine dining establishment."

I pushed my glasses back up the bridge of my nose. "My nan taught me very good table manners, I assure you Emmett. Especially when dining with a lady."

"That's great, Danny boy. Just let one hand take over for your tongue while you pull her stray curlies out of your mouth, and then get back in there."

Would Bella be smooth and bare or forested with a delightful abundance of dark curls?

"Now some guys maintain that you have to add some finger-fucking to get a girl to cum," he said with a serious look on his face. "It's true you can get a girl to have a really intense cum if you can work her g-spot with your fingers while you lick her clit. But any guy that can get his girl off just with his mouth is one smooth fucker."

Emmett grinned. He bobbed his head quickly over his cone again, thrusting his tongue inside and combining the three maneuvers in a variety of ways. It all looked very complicated as he lapped at the sweet cream inside. Then he mimed looking up at his girl, reaching one hand up into the air to pinch an imaginary nipple. He mumbled with his tongue still inside the cone, "Hands-free baby, oh yeah."

I was impressed. Emmett not only knew how to get the ladies, but he knew how to keep them, too.

"Now, while you're tonguing her love tunnel, you gotta keep up the action on her clit somehow. You could use your fingers, but since your nose is right there you might as well go ahead and use it, right?" I tried to imagine my tongue inside Bella's pink bits and my nose pressing against her clitoris. I was almost overwhelmed by imagining her womanly aroma so close to my nostrils.

"How does one learn to be good at finger-fucking?" I asked balefully, looking at my hands. "I would hate to be too rough and hurt her delicate feminine tissues." _Finger-love-making_, I corrected myself internally.

"Yeah, well, it is a bit tricky to get that right. You gotta keep your fingernails short and blunt – no jagged edges – and there is definitely some advanced technique involved. Don't worry, I can teach you that later. We just need to get some items from the store first."

"What items?"

"Some Ziploc bags and a big tube of KY," he nodded sagely. "We better finish this lesson first. Our ice cream is gonna melt. But let me just say this, bro. You've got some ridiculously long fingers. I think you'll do well Grasshopper."

I looked down at my frozen treat and my mouth watered for the creamy nectar. Emmett looked down at his own ravaged confection. "And if you want me to teach you how to eat ass, I'm gonna need a new cone." He took a large bite out of the crunchy wafer.

"Why don't you practice what I just showed you?" Emmett suggested.

I focused on the cool vanilla sweetness in my hand and imagined slowly peeling a demure pair of white cotton boy shorts down Bella's lush hips. Tentatively I kissed and mouthed at the cone of cream in front of me, reaching forward with my tongue to scoop some into my mouth. I became bold, thrusting and circling my tongue into her imagined depths. _Oh Bella!_

"That's right Danny boy, you've got it. Eat that vanilla-pussy swirl cone!" he cheered. "You're not doing it right unless your eyelids get sticky!"

I moaned at the decadent pleasure and the naughty sound of Emmett's words. So enraptured with the task before me, I had almost forgotten that he was seated next to me on the floor of our room. I noticed that he was watching me and appraising my technique, but I closed my eyes to concentrate on my fantasy as I practiced.

"Don't forget to tell her how good she tastes."

I moaned again. "Sooo goooood."

I was so completely lost in the process of imagining Bella's pussy and eating her with abandon that I didn't even notice Rosalie entering the room. The unexpected sound of her voice ripped me forcibly from my daydream.

"What in the hell are you two doing?"

Emmett and I looked at each other in shock and then quickly looked away. I could feel myself blushing furiously in embarrassment and wondered if my face was as shiny and sticky with melted ice cream as Emmett's was.

"Hey, Baby!" Emmett laughed nervously. "You wanna go to the Nutcracker this weekend?" Emmett pointed to the poster that Carlisle put up in the hallway offering a UW van to take everyone to the ballet on Saturday night. "Carlisle says we can get cheap student tickets, and then maybe after we can go get mochas and…"

Rosalie glared at us, squinting her eyes.

"…you know, do something romantic." He finished weakly.

Rosalie looked at my sticky face and smirked. "That sounds great. I'll see if Bella wants to go too."

As she turned and walked away, I looked over at Emmett. "Bollocks! That was close. Nice save."

"I got your back, bro."

"Except now we have to sit through a ballet," I sighed.

Emmett put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. "The things we do for our women!"

Personally, I didn't mind going. Nan and I used to go to The Nutcracker every year, and I was looking forward to taking Bella. However, I couldn't see Emmett enjoying it. Perhaps I should bring along some snacks. He loved gummi bears!

({*})

The girls were all dolled up, and I was looking quite smooth in my red velvet jacket and those brown corduroy trousers that Bella fancied. I was the last to pile into the van as I helped the ladies get in. As we rode down to the Seattle Center, I smiled to myself at thinking about how fun it was taking my girl out on the town. I looked over at Bella in her sexy turtleneck sweater. She looked beautiful as always and excited for the show.

As everyone got out of the van Carlisle clapped his hands together. "Alright guys, I'll be back to pick you up when the show lets out. Let's meet right across from the north entrance. I'll have it nice and warmed up for the ladies. Just give me a call on my cell if I don't get back in time."

"Aren't you coming with us?" asked Tyler.

"Nah. There is no way I can sit through the Ballbuster Ballet. I think I'll head over to the new strip club down in Seatac." He shrugged and rubbed his burgeoning goatee. "Anyone want to skip this and come with me?"

Before I had a chance to process Carlisle's statement, Emmett shouted "Hell yeah! Come on Danny boy. We'll have a blast! Finally a strip bar! " Emmett turned to Rosalie, looking hopeful, like a small child asking for an ice cream cone. "Rosie, can I go? Please, please, please?"

Rosalie smiled cocking an eyebrow. "Yeah fine, but you'll owe me."

Emmett touched his forehead to hers. "Hey baby, you know I have no hard limits. Besides, it doesn't matter where I get my appetite as long as I come home for dinner, right?"

Emmett turned to Bella. "Daniel can come too, right? I gotta take my boy out for a bro's night," He said as he put his thick arm around my shoulders and squeezed me tight next to his muscular body.

Carlisle jumped right it, placing his hand on his chest. "And I'll make sure these morons behave themselves."

"Tyler and I have been looking forward to this all week, so we'll stay with you girls and take care of you." Eric, always the gentleman, took Rosalie's arm in his.

Bella was staring right at me. I wasn't sure what to say. "Oh… um… I really don't need to go…"

"Daniel, just go," she smiled. "Remember you came here to have adventures. I'd say a trip to a Seatac titty bar would count as one."

I wrapped my arm protectively around my girl and took her aside. "Bella… I'm here with you and I feel like such a tosser to even consider leaving you." I also felt a bit guilty that I was willing to forgo an annual tradition that I had with Nan.

"Don't worry, we've got Eric and Tyler. At least they're as excited about the ballet as Rosalie and I and it's kinda of nice that we won't have to babysit Emmett."

"Well, all right… I'll be good, I promise. Besides the Washington State laws forbid touching between the exotic dancers and their patrons, and we won't be consuming any alcohol," I blurted as if I had no control over my mouth. No matter how bad I felt, the Neanderthal inside me really wanted to see a room full of naked women gyrating on poles. It was pure biology taking over my body.

Bella rolled her eyes and opened her purse. "Have a good time," she said as she opened my jacket and stuffed two bills deep into the front of my trousers. I gasped as her fingers accidentally brushed the tip of my penis. _Dead kittens. Zombies. Dead kitten zombies. The Queen Mum scratching her bum…_

"Uh… you could come, too." I offered.

She shook her head and leaned in. "Just remember who you're coming home with," she whispered against my neck.

({*})

As soon as we entered the gentlemen's club, we were assaulted with the smell of strawberries and freesia and sweat. There were plenty of scantily clad, semi-malnourished women and even more patrons sitting around small tables. As we looked around to find some chairs, Carlisle looked right at home. Emmett was a different story. He looked horrified.

I gave Emmett a manly slap on the arm. "I know this place doesn't seem very… sanitary, but we can take a shower when we get home."

"That's a given, Danny boy, but this is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen!" he whispered loudly and he perused the establishment. Carlisle was completely fixated on the lady who was presented as "Misti" on the center stage.

"What do you mean? I asked

In a trance he exclaimed, "I've never seen anything so degrading! Let's just get out of here."

"Look I would, but I don't want to be rude to Carlisle. It was kind of him to ask us along. Let's just be cool, bro." I tried to sound more American so I would blend in with my mates.

Emmett placed his hands on my shoulders and looked deep into my eyes. "Dude, that was the best John Wayne impression I have ever heard. Honestly though, I think your normal accent is kinda cute." He then leaned in to my ear and whispered loudly. "Plus I heard that a certain special girl of yours loves your accent. She says it's super sexy and can't wait for you to start giving her sexual orders."

"What! Uh… How do you know this?" Instead of concentrating on the fact that Bella thought I was sexy, the beast in me wanted to know how Emmett got a hold of the information.

"Oh look, boobs at 1 o'clock!" Emmett nodded behind me.

In an instant I turned around and my mind honed in on the exposed mammaries. _Lovely, but not as lovely as Bella's. Plus, hers are 100% natural. Rawr!_

"Uh… The sensible thing to do would be to stay a few neighborhood seems rather undesirable. We can't stay that long anyways so let's just make the best of it." I adjusted my glasses and nodded.

Carlisle saw an open table towards the back and dragged us toward it.

As we sat down, two ladies came by our table and offered us lap dances.

"Oh, no thank you," I chuckled. "We were just enjoying the lovely stage production." Misti was humping her stripper pole.

Just as they were about to leave, Emmett spoke up. "Hey, those heels must be killing your feet. I hope you're seeing a chiropractor."

The lady, who identified herself as 'Miss Cherry' said, "No sweetheart, I don't have any health insurance."

"You mean they don't have some sort of healthcare plan for the employees here?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Nope."

"Thank goodness we have National Health Service back in England," I said.

Emmett stepped in with some helpful advice. "My girlfriend Rosie got these super cute heals from The Rack on clearance. They're like five inches high, but they're platform so there's less tension on the arch and lower back. Plus, they have these sexy little bows. You should see if they have any left."

"Thanks, sweetie!" She smiled. "Hey boys if you want to keep chatting, we're going to have to give you dances. Rick, our boss, doesn't let us chat with customers." I started to pull out the money Bella handed me.

"No sugar," Dominique said to me. "You keep your money and get yourself a pizza. It's just nice dancing with a couple of gentlemen."

I blushed.

"You're cute, you know that, sugar? I love your glasses."

"Thanks, I'm horribly near sighted." Dominique began rolling her hips over my knee. "I tried to get contacts, but they don't work with my astigmatism," I continued.

"I'm only allowed to wear my glasses when I do my sexy librarian routine on stage."

"That sounds lovely!" _Good God, I wonder if I could get Bella to do that? Perhaps I could get her to spank me with a book… An overdue library book, perhaps. That would be so naughty!_

"Well, it sure brings in the tips," she replied.

"Men find intellectual women sexy! Are you going to perform this evening?"

"No, sugar. Rick won't let me dance until this stubborn ringworm on my butt goes away." Dominique looked so sad. I wanted her to get her tips. Conventional wisdom suggested that a stripper's best money was in tips and lap dances, but she wouldn't let me pay for her lap dance.

"Are you sure it's ringworm? It could be eczema. I have some patches on my back that look like ringworm but with some steroid cream and daily moisturizer it goes away. Emmett, here, rubs Lubriderm on my back every evening to prevent a flare up. All the antifungal medication in the world won't do any good for eczema!" I laughed and nodded in sympathy.

"You mean it's not a worm?"

"Oh heavens! No, Dominique. It's a fungal infection of the skin." _Sweet, silly girl. Bless her!_

"Well, I don't know. I can't afford to see a doctor."

Miss Cherry jumped in. "It looks just like the ringworm my granddaughter had. I'm sure it's ringworm. "

"Well… without an examination, it's difficult to say, really. Eczema can present itself in a round lesion, mimicking _tinea corpus_. If it was a fungal infection it should have gone away with the fungal cream.

"Maybe you should have my friend Daniel take a look at it. He's going to be a doctor some day," Emmett suggested.

Dominque looked pleased and hopeful. "Would you do that?" She asked as she turned around and bent over. I lifted the tiny skirt she was wearing and stretched the skin on her buttocks with my fingers as I leaned my head in close to examine the lesion. It was rather dark in the club.

"Well Dominique–" Just as I was starting to explain, I was instantly dragged off by two large men.

"I'm fairly certain that's eczema!" I shouted as I was flying mid-air through the door.

A few moments later, I was joined by my mates as they walked up beside me in the parking lot.

"You crazy fucker!" Carlisle laughed as he slapped me on the back. "Looks like we still have an hour or so to kill. Who's up for Denny's? I could really go for some Moons Over My Hammy."

"But it's not breakfast time!" I laughed.

"Welcome to America, bro!" Emmett patted me on the back. "We've got greasy breakfast available 24 hours a day in most places. It's what makes this country great."

Carlisle gave Emmett a bro-fist. "So true man. So true."

Back at the Opera House we pulled right up to the curb pick up the rest of the gang. As I handed Bella back her money, Carlisle assured her and Rosalie that we were "good boys" and didn't even buy lap dances.

* * *

**A/N:** Again, thanks so much to **Rosmarina**. She sent me her hilarious ice cream scene monthss ago for a cum shot but I knew it had to go right into the main story. She is such a fantastic person and writer. Go check out her stories. Potential is one of my favorites!

Thank you to everyone who nominated and voted for Daniel and I for the **Fandom People Awards**. You guys helped Daniel win the "**Fandom Character Who is Most Fun to Tweet With**" award. We even got a custom banner! :-D

BTW, if you aren't familiar with the chapter theme song, I encourage you to give it a listen on my blog!

**Your reviews truely do inspire me. Thank you so much for letting me know what you think! **


	24. Grammy, Grampa, and Bella's Vagina

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. Just having some fun!  
**

Thanks to **Rosmarina **and** BlackHale82** for their patience and help!

* * *

Chapter 23 – Grammy, Grampa, and Bella's Vagina

Theme Song – When I'm With You by Sheriff

I let out a huge sigh of relief. There we were, the five of us crammed into the bug and rolling down the hill. We couldn't have been happier. Emmett was driving with Rosalie in the front seat. Alice was already asleep in the back seat. She'd been up all night studying. Bella was sitting between Alice and I, leaning against me as my arm was wrapped around her shoulder. I took the opportunity to kiss and smell her hair all I wanted. She didn't appear to mind at all.

"I can't believe we're through with exams. I've never studied so hard in my life."

Emmett held his fist behind his head for me to bump it. "Fuck yeah, bro!"

"Can you believe we have to go through that at least eleven more times? And that's just for undergrad alone." Rosalie chimed in. She sounded exhausted.

"I'm so sick of using my brain, I'm actually looking forward to working at the nursing home."

"Bella," I whined. "Not too much, okay? You were so exhausted after Thanksgiving weekend."

"I'll be fine," she assured me, snuggling more closely into my chest. "Part of my problem was I had to study then, too."

It was so exciting to drive onto the ferry. A scenic boat ride over the Puget Sound was just what we needed to get relaxed. After parking the car, the four of us got out to walk around. As we sailed along across the water, there were orca whales and dolphins frolicking alongside the boat. Everyone on the passenger deck of the boat ran over to the starboard side of the boat with their faces to the glass to take a look.

"Would you look at that! I swear I've ridden the ferry for years and I've never seen that. You're our lucky charm, bro!" Emmett then turned to Rosalie. "Baby can we go get some clam chowder with those little tiny oyster crackers and some jojos? Your promised me a snack."

Rosalie turned to us and rolled his eyes. "I'd better go feed him. You know how he gets."

"I want a slushy too." I heard him say as they walked to the galley.

When they left, Bella wrapped her arms around me and looked up. She had an impish smile.

"What?" I asked, shocked by the feel of her cold hands warming up under my sweater.

"I'm just happy and excited to get you alone."

"Me too." I gazed into her big chocolate eyes. "Emmett that says I'm getting the guest room and that you can probably sneak in." I hated to be disrespectful of the McCarty household, but I was desperate to be alone with her. I kept thinking about Bella wanting me to be her first sexual experience. Even if we didn't have sex, I wanted the chance to rub myself all over her some more.

"Perfect!" She grabbed my neck to pull me down and started running her lips and nose along my chiseled jaw. "I can't wait to get a hold of that candy cane of yours."

"Uhhhh… Indeed!" was the only response I could manage.

The rest of the drive to Forks was beautiful and green. Bella dropped Emmett and I off first at the McCarty house. As soon as we arrived, Emmett's parents came running out to greet us all. It was a strange scene, like something out of a film. I'd never seen so much hugging in my life. I tried to stay out of the way. Just as I started feeling like an outsider, I was grabbed in a bear hug by Mr. McCarty.

"Good to finally meet ya, kiddo!"

"You too." I let out a breath and smiled.

"Em here tells me you totally got his back. Right on!" Mr. McCarty, a very large man, gave me a "nooggie", which is when another man bends you over and rubs his knuckles into your scalp. It's an American sign of affection amongst familiar males. When on the receiving end of such affection, it's best to relax and go with the flow until the dominant male is finished.

Emmett's mother came up to me next, hugging me close. "We're thrilled that you'll be spending the break with us, sweetie. Emmett says such wonderful things about you. He tells me how much you love to eat his meat, so you boys can use the gas BBQ on the deck all you like. You just make yourself at home."

"That sounds wonderful! Thank you so much for your hospitality," I said with genuine enthusiasm.

"Any friend of Emmett's is a part of our family." Emmett's father assured me with firm grip on my shoulder.

Bella slipped an arm around me, staking her claim. "Isn't he just the cutest?" she said to Mrs. McCarty.

"Oh, he's adorable!" Mrs. McCarty winked at my girl. "Emmett, honey, there's been a slight change in plans for you boys. Actually, there's a little surprise in the house for you."

"Let's grab our shit and get in the house, Danny Boy!" We said our goodbyes to the girls, knowing we would see them soon. Very soon I had hoped.

The McCarty family lived in a house of classic American architecture called a "split-level". Just as we opened the door, Chuckie, Emmett's little sister ran down the stairs to hug us. I already knew her fairly well because whenever she called Emmett's cell phone and started talking about her little plastic pony collection, he'd hand her over to me. I found that a little chuckle now and then made her happy enough. Little did Emmett know, I was rather intrigued about seeing said collection. According to Chuckie, these tiny horses came in all sorts of colors and themes so I was looking forward to seeing them all.

Walking into the foyer, with Chuckie holding each of our hands, we were greeted by an elderly couple.

"Surprise!" they said in unison.

Chuckie chimed in. "Grammy and Grampa showed up yesterday to surprise us all. They're staying until after New Year's."

Emmett walked over to embrace his grandparents. I could tell he was thrilled to see them. My heart ached at the scene as I thought about Nan. Emmett was a lucky bloke!

Mrs. McCarty had a painful smile plastered on her face. She must have been worried about how she would feed us all.

"Um… I can see it's going to be crowded, so why don't I just stay at the Forks Motel? I have money so it's no problem, really." I hated to be an imposition.

Mrs. McCarty put her arm around me. "Oh no, honey. There's plenty of room. Besides," she whispered. "I think you'll help keep things sane around here. You'll be a welcome buffer."

Right as I turned back to the scene, Emmet's grandmother started heading towards me with her arms open wide. "Oh you must be our little English orphan! Aren't you just adorable?" She was pinching my cheeks and I loved the attention. As she pulled me in for a hug, I felt her hands on my bum.

"Doh! Uh…" I pulled away and chuckled.

"You just call me Grammy. I brought you lots of cookies and treats!" She spoke to me as if I was five years old.

"That's great! I do love homemade cookies." I looked over at Emmett.

"Hey bro." Emmett slapped my back. Good thing he'd moisturized it thoroughly that morning. "It looks like Grammy likes you already! Gramps, come on over here and meet my best buddy, Daniel." I beamed at the compliment.

"Well hello there, son." Gramps grabbed my hand for a shake. Just as I thought he would crush my bones, he pulled me in for a bear hug. I went limp, hoping that if I didn't fight it he wouldn't crush my delicate bones.. After he finished the hug with a slap to my bum, he pushed me back and looked at me quizzically then looked over at Emmett.

"You sure are a couple of outrageously good-looking fellas," he said with a squint. "I'll be you boys get a lot of tail. Am I right? Huh? Huh?"

"You know it, gramps." Emmett replied as he fisted his grandfather. Gramps then turned to me for a bro-fist.

After returning the manly gesture, Emmet's mum intervened. "So boys… Let's get you settled in. You must be ready to relax and veg out." She lead me down the stairs. Emmett followed close behind.

"Since the guest room is now occupied, you boys'll just have to share Emmett's room," she said as she opened the door to Emmett's bedroom. On the far wall was a set of bunk beds with matching green Incredible Hulk bedspreads.

"This is going to be just like in the dorms!" Emmett exclaimed with glee.

"I'll just let you boys settle in." Mrs. McCarty smiled as she left us alone in Emmett's room.

As if reading my mind, Emmett placed a hand on my shoulder and said, "We'll figure something out. You're free to come and go, so maybe you can sneak into Bella's bedroom. Once you know how to climb the tree, it's not so bad."

"Of course. No problem!" The entire McCarty family had been so gracious with their hospitality; it would have been rude of me to show my disappointment.

"I'm gonna go chat with the fam. You just sit tight make yourself at home. I'll take you over after dinner."

"Great!" Having a few moments alone, I hung up my clothes and tidied up my suitcase. I then went into the bathroom which we shared with Emmett's grandparents, who were in the room next door. I placed my shaving kit on the shelf and lined up my toiletries. Once the bathroom was in order I went back to Emmett's room to look around. He had many books on art, mathematics, and physics as well as a copy of Jane Eyre. To the right of his bunk beds, he had a low table with a large box of LEGOs stored underneath.

That evening after dinner, Emmett and I walked down to Bella's house, three blocks away. We could see into the front room window. Bella was reading a book.

"There's the Chief, ass planted in front of the TV with his can of cheap beer. Probably been in the same position since Bella left."

I tried to summon up some courage. "Well, let's go knock on the door."

Emmett stopped me as I proceeded towards the sidewalk. "Dude, you've got two options. You can go up to the door and face the chief like a man and sit there with him while he watches random sports all evening or you can sneak into Bella's window like the pervert that you are."

I nodded and looked at my best mate. "Pervert works for me, but Bella's downstairs."

"Just text her!"

"Oh? Great idea." I looked over at the tree. "But I don't think I can make it up."

"It's not so bad. It was way easier before I was caught in her room. The Chief cut off a particularly strategic lower branch after that. I'll just give you a lift."

After texting Bella and seeing her in her bedroom window as she turned on a lamp, we walked over to the tree.

"This isn't going to work!" I said as I looked at the lowest branch.

"Oh, just jump up and grab it."

"I can't jump that high."

"Alright." Emmett started nibbling on his thumbnail and thinking. "I'll lift you and then you grab on. Then you can swing your legs up and climb the rest of the way. This'll be easy."

I grabbed onto the trunk as leverage while Emmett lifted me as high as he could. At one point his face was buried in my butt cheek.

"I'm using my head to help nudge you up." He explained in a muffled tone.

When I finally grabbed onto the low branch I dangled limply.

"OK, bro. Now just do a pull-up and swing your legs over."

"I can't do a pull-up. I can barely hang on." My body was stretching my arms, which couldn't really support my weight."

Emmett sighed. "Alright, _T. rex_. Not getting into Bella's bedroom and doing something nasty to her is just not an option. The poor girl's going to explode, bro."

"Maybe we can get a ladder."

"Let's try this." Emmett then proceeded to push on my buttocks with a hand on each cheek. "Keep pulling up!"

"I've almost got it." When Emmett's thumbs dug into my buttcrack, I found an upper arm strength I never knew I possessed and shimmied myself up onto the branch. He was right; the rest of the climb was easy. Bella was right there at her window. I hoped she hadn't seen me struggle too much.

She pulled me into her bedroom. "My spider monkey!"

Bella started kissing me furiously while I was still trying to catch my breath. Finally we were alone. Well, except for her father in the house.

"I've never been in a girl's bedroom before." I looked around in awe as if I was privy to new feminine secrets.

"What about the dorm?"

"Yes, but it's not all yours. This feels so much more intimate." Bella didn't have much, but there were many drawings on the walls, some black and white, some in colored pencil of nature scenes, some tasteful nudes in crayon.

"Those are Emmett's through the years. You can see when he started going through puberty." Bella giggled. "Now all his good stuff goes to Rosalie."

Amongst the photographs of Bella and her family, there was one that really stuck out: Bella and Emmett, taken several years ago, both bald and smiling. Bella walked up behind me and slipped her hands around my waist. "That one's my favorite."

"Mine too." I turned around and gave her a little kiss on the forehead. She sighed.

_Make some moves on your girl, Daniel!_

I ran my nose gently down hers and kissed her soft, sensual lips. Bella grabbed onto my purple Husky sweatshirt and pulled me over toward the bed.

"You must be so warm in that."

"I'm burning up," I said with a growl.

After removing my sweatshirt and the t-shirt under it, I unbuttoned Bella's flannel shirt and pulled the cups of her bra down. I had to get to her sweet perky peeks. I had become obsessed with them, and I desperately wanted to see them glisten with my saliva.

"Want me to take off my jeans?"

_God, yes!_

"Um… are you sure you want that?" I asked.

Bella nodded and started unzipping her blue jeans. After she pulled them down, revealing black satin panties, she pulled a blanket over us. I was so excited to explore her lady bits that my hand shook. _What if I do this wrong? What if I hurt her? _Thankfully I had trimmed my fingernails and washed my hands before coming over. I wouldn't have wanted to introduce any harmful bacteria into her pristine vagina if I had the chance to get in her pants. The vaginal flora maintains a very delicate balance.

Bella grabbed my hand and kissed it. "I love the way you touch me. I want you to touch me some more."

I ran my hand and lips over her neck and her breasts and her belly. Bella was breathing very heavily. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," she said breathlessly and pulled me down for a kiss.

I couldn't wait to unfold the petals of her delicate flower. _Maybe, if she lets me, I'll finally get to fondle a real vagina instead of that plastic model at the doctor's office. _I teased a finger into the top of her panties, to give her plenty of time to adjust and tell me to stop if she wanted. Eventually, I dove my hand in and felt her luxurious forest of soft curls.

"Wow!" was all I could think to say. I really wanted to release my turgid member from its corduroy prison but even more I wanted this to be all about Bella. I wanted to be a man and make my woman feel good. So I my erection remained in my trousers.

After thoroughly exploring her lovely pubic hair, I felt around the moist bits between her labia.

"Oh wow!" I exclaimed again. It was like touching hot liquid silk.

Bella moaned and thrust her hips up towards my hand.

I continued learning and exploring Bella's anatomical landmarks with my fingers.

_Labia majora... Check! _

_Labia minora... Check! _

My fingers slid down south a little ways.

_Perineum... Check! _

_Now, if I went down further I would find her puckered entrance. Perhaps another time… _

I then made a U-turn and traveled north.

_Vaginal entrance... Check! _

_Clitoris –_

"Oh yes!"

_Check!_

I fiddled around with Bella's love button for a bit. However, bbased on the way she sounded over the telephone at Thanksgiving, she didn't seem to be having an orgasm at this point. "Does that feel all right?"

Bella clutched my forearm and panted as I rubbed her clitoris briskly. Then she bucked her hips up so that my fingers slipped past her button and into her wet folds. She looked up at me meaningfully. "Put them inside, Daniel."

I slipped my middle finger down past her clitoris and pressed it into her hot core. It was very wet. Vaginal dryness was certainly not a problem for my Bella. I was also amazed with the little bumps and ridges of her vaginal walls. She moaned and wiggled her hips.

_I bet those will feel great surrounding my penis as I thrust between them!_

"You seem to be very aroused. Are you?"

"Oh yes, babycakes."

"Mmmm…" I tried to sound sexy. "I love it when you call me babycakes."

"Oh more, Daniel. More!" I should have been worried about the noise Bella was creating but I was so aroused, I was feeling a bit dangerous. Besides, the sporting even on the telly was rather loud so I didn't think he could hear much.

I placed another finger into her vagina. It was a tight squeeze.

_Hmmm… lower third of the anterior vagina should be the mythical Grafenburg spot (otherwise known as the "G-spot"). _ _I wonder if that really exists. Most scientists doubt it._

A couple of finger thrusts sent Bella into a sexual frenzy. With one hand Bella was pinching her nipples and with her other hand she was rubbin' her nubbin'. My girl was a sex goddess!

_Hallelujah! _I could have cried with joy at my discovery.

"Don't stop! Oh God, just don't stop!"

"Oh yes, my sweet. I'll do anything you want."

After a few more moments, Bella's body tensed as she reached her climax. "Ahhh… Oooh…" she cried as I felt her vaginal walls clench around my fingers like a vice grip.

"Wow!" I exclaimed again. I pulled my fingers out and was intrigued by the sticky fluid coating them. I loved the flavor as I sniffed and licked them clean.

Once Bella calmed down, I wrapped myself around her and covered us up tightly with the quilt. I pressed my groin into her big bum. So thrilled I was to see my girl find ecstasy, that I was happy to lay there behind her and enjoy the sensation of my erection pressed into her luscious booty.

"That was beautiful. You're so beautiful Bella. Thank you." I whispered into her ear and nuzzled into her neck. "You're the best girlfriend ever."

"You don't think I'm some kind of sex crazed nymphomaniac?"

I chuckled. "No my sweet girl, but I certainly wouldn't mind if you were!"

* * *

**A/N: **I know I haven't been reading, Tweeting or updating as much these days but I do make writing Daniel's adventures my fanfiction priority. Thank you so for sticking with the story!

**Do you want more sexy times? How far do you think these kids should go? I love hearing from you! ;-)**


	25. The Big Reveal

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. These adventures are rated M for Daniel's magnificent penis.  
**

Thank you to **Rosmarina** for her fantastic beta skills, **Blackhale82 **my britpicker, and** Twisted Coincidence **for pre-reading. Love you bbs!

* * *

Chapter 24 – The Big Reveal

Theme Song – Here Comes Your Man by The Pixies

I could tell by her slow, rhythmic breathing that Bella was falling asleep.

"I must get back, my sweet," I whispered as I nuzzled her neck.

"Mmmm… No Daniel. Don't leave me." She wiggled her bum into my crotch.

"I really need to get back and empty my bladder. Grammy's making me a special breakfast in the morning. Do you think you can you come over?"

"Can't. My shift starts at 7:00am."

I gave her my heart-melting frownie face. :(

Bella looked into my eyes and gave me a deep wet kiss. "I'll see you later on, alright?"

"Absolutely. I can't wait to send more time with you… _alone_. I mean, we don't just have to get naked every time," I clarified. "Although if that's what you want, I'm OK with that. At some point I need to meet your father properly and take you out again."

Bella gave me a big smile and nodded.

"Good bye, my darling girl."

"Good night, sweet prince!" she replied.

Just before getting out of bed, I kissed her hand. I thought it would be a romantic gesture. Nan would have been proud. She said that girls liked it when you kissed their hand. Plus, it seemed appropriate after Bella let me finger her vagina.

Although I made a relatively smooth exit out the window and onto the tree branch, I quickly realized I was stuck and had to call Emmett to help me get out of the tree safely. I wasn't about to attempt a jump. Surely, I would have broken a limb.

10 minutes later…

"Sorry bro! I didn't even think about how to get you back down." Emmett smiled knowingly at me the entire walk home and I kept smiling to myself thinking about Bella's privates.

Back at the McCarty residence, I desperately needed a shower and a wank. The deep penetrating heat of the water spray really loosened up my tight shoulder and arm muscles. Fortunately, they weren't too stiff from the climb; I could still vigorously pump my aching penis. After thoroughly soaping up my wet skin, I fondled my scrotum a bit. I then lathered up my hands and pubic hair and started working my shaft. I kept thinking about Bella's glistening vulva and how beautiful it would look as I sprayed my seed all over it.

_Someday, Daniel. Someday soon..._

Just as I was moaning and ejaculating on the wall the bathroom door opened.

"Daniel?" I froze. It was Grammy.

"Uh… yes?" I replied as I covered my quickly diminishing manhood even though I knew she couldn't see me through the shower curtain.

"I'm just going to use the potty. You carry on, dear."

"Uh…" I was speechless and unable to move. _Lock the door next time Daniel!_

Once Grammy finished her personal business I quickly rinsed off and went back to my room, annoyed.

Emmett was laying in bed. "Your grandmother just barged into the bathroom while I was showering. I was wet and _naked_!" I added for emphasis.

He carefully put down his Giant Juggs magazine and looked up thoughtfully. "Relax, bro. Old people pee a lot. Plus, Grammy grew up with a family of nine sharing one bathroom. The boys could just wiz off the front porch, but it was always a given that the girls could knock and pee while other people were in the bathroom. It's not like she could see you through the shower curtain."

"Heavens, mate! You're absolutely right." I was ashamed of my closed-minded attitude. "That was culturally insensitive of me. Please accept my apologies."

"No problem, bro!"

As Emmett grabbed his "reading" material, a book slipped out between the pages. I picked it up. _Tess of the d'Urbervilles_.

"Excellent book, mate! Heart breaking isn't it though?" I shook my head and looked off to the side thinking about Tess's trials and tribulations. "Just one heartbreak after another. And Hardy's prose. It really sets you in the moment." I handed him back his book.

Emmett nodded thoughtfully as he grabbed it, placed his magazine on the bedside table, and settled back into his book.

I gestured towards the discarded magazine. "Uh… Mind of I just glance through that?"

"Oh yeah, I didn't mean to hog the 'reading' material." Emmett gave me an upward bro-nod, indicating that it was "cool" to share.

I climbed up into my bunk. Settled in, I started perusing the magazine and gasped out loud. _Oh my, are those real?_

Emmett read my mind. "Nah, they're all fake, Danny Boy."

:-o

The next morning, I woke up to the most wonderful smell. I was embarrassed to have slept in so long as it was already 10 o'clock and Emmett had already been up and gone running.

As I entered the kitchen, I was greeted by morning salutations and a delicious breakfast consisting of waffles topped with strawberries and chocolate chips. As I dove into my food, I chatted with the McCarty family. They were incredibly kind and seemed genuinely interested in my life. I couldn't believe it. After Emmett and I insisted on cleaning up the kitchen, I played Magic Princess Ponies with Chuckie then watched old Matlock reruns on the telly with Grammy and Grandpa for the afternoon. They made me sit in between while Grammy kept feeding me "nuts and bolts" and Christmas cookies.

That night, I wore my velvet jacket and Hawaiian shirt to make a good impression on Chief Swan. This would be my first meeting with him. I also brought him a jar of jam that my mum had sent to me from England in my Christmas care package. Nan taught me that it's good manners to bring a gift when invited to tea.

I knocked on the door with a firm hand. Just two knocks to announce my expected arrival yet not so many that I sounded frightened and desperate. Bella had me come over before her father arrived from the police station so that I would feel comfortable in the house. She knew I might hyperventilate from nerves. Bless her!

"Come on in, Daniel!" she yelled.

I walked into the front room and tossed my messenger bag on the couch, pretending to be _nonchalant_, and carefully placed the jam on the table. As I strolled into the kitchen, I saw Bella stirring a large pot of something that smelled delicious. She looked so beautiful in her apron, cooking me a special meal. As I walked up behind her and grabbed her hips, I pulled her into my groin and kissed the side of her neck.

"Hey Daniel," Bella giggled. She was so ticklish.

"Heeeey!" I looked into the pot. "What's this? It looks scrumptious!" I asked.

"Chicken and dumplings."

"Mmmm… I can't wait to taste your dumplings, Bella," I proclaimed seductively and ran my extraordinarily long tongue along the helix of her ear.

My stomach dropped when I heard a throat clear behind me.

I slowly turned around and saw a very large man in a police uniform and mirrored sun glasses. He had one hand on a gun and the other on his night stick. I gulped. We were approximately the same height but I suspected that he outweighed me by about 5 stone.

I did the only think I could think of. I held out my jazz hands and said, "Ta da!"

Bella's father slowly removed his sunglasses and squinted at me.

"Um…" I quickly came to my senses and remembered what I had gone over and over in my head on the walk over to the house. I held out my hand, ready for a firm handshake.

"Hello, my name is Daniel Gale. I have only the most honorable intentions toward your beautiful, brilliant, and more or less virtuous daughter."

Chief Swan grunted then grabbed my hand and squeezed hard enough to let me know he was the boss. I gave him a quick nod to let him know that I knew it.

"Good to meet you, Daniel." He held my hand until I noticed that he still had a hand on his night stick, which he subtly patted.

Bella chimed in. "I saw that, Charlie!"

With a chuckle he walked out of the kitchen, mumbling something about a beer.

"Isn't it in the refrigerator?"

"Oh, he doesn't drink in uniform. He's a real stickler for rules so he's gone off to change."

While I was tossing the salad, Charlie came back into the kitchen in a flannel shirt and jeans _sans_ weapons. Although Bella's cooking was delicious, the meal was almost painfully silent. After cleaning up the dishes we went up to Bella's bedroom. It was worth the wait if I could get a few moments alone with my girl.

As soon as she closed the door she dragged me over to the bed. Her hugs and kisses were well worth the awkward meal. We cuddled and talked for a couple hours until Bella started to yawn. I wanted to make the moves on her but I could tell she was exhausted after a long day of work. When she explained that she would be working almost every day through the break, I felt guilty for sitting around all day and being unemployed. I didn't have much money so I vowed at that point to find a way to make some more once we got back to Seattle. Thankfully, I pocketed the money my mother sent for my Christmas break hotel so I had enough to get by for a while and take my special girl out on the town.

;-)

Finding a vehicle turned out to be difficult. I hated to use Bella's car for going out on a date. She had always been so generous with me. I wanted her to relax and enjoy herself, not worry about driving us around. Emmett suggested we go on a double date. I had to admit, the thought of going out with another couple made it feel like we were a real couple.

"Yeah man, we can get Dad's old Nova out of the garage – that thing is sex on wheels. And there is plenty of room in the back seat if you know what I'm saying," he added with a wink.

"Emmett, your parents are sitting right across the table from us." I looked over at them and chuckled nervously.

Mr. McCarty chimed in. "Sorry boys but the Nova's not feeling well. I'm having a hard time keeping her running again. You're welcome to sit in her all you like though. There really is a lot of room on the back seat, ain't there baby?" Mr. McCarty looked over and wiggled his eyebrows at Mrs. McCarty.

"Just take the minivan, Em," Emmett's mother said as she smiled to his father. _Looks like they'll be busy later on…_

"Mooooom. You know I'm too sexy to drive around in a minivan. That's not gonna impress the girls!"

"Sorry sweetie, but if you want to go on a double date, that's all we got. The truck only has three seatbelts."

"Emmett," I said as I placed my hand on his shoulder. "I think we should just be thankful that we've a safe and reliable mode of transportation with which to take our women out. Minivans are sensible – lots of room, comfortable, and safe in a crash." I leaned in and whispered in his ear, "Plus, the back seat folds down, making quite a roomy _cargo area_ if you get my meaning?"

Emmett had a huge smile on his face.

"Minivan it is!"

After dinner we picked up Rosalie first and then headed towards Bella's house. "Aren't you going to honk the horn?" I asked when we pulled up at the Swan residence.

Emmett turned around. "Dude, just go get her. The chief won't bite."

"I think he hates me."

"I _know_ he hates you. It didn't help that you went right up to Bella's _bedroom_ after dinner instead of pretending to be interested in whatever he was watching on TV. Gosh, do I have to explain everything to you?"

"Bella invited me. I wasn't going to say no to my girl!"

"Well, girls don't understand the man-code, bro!"

I banged my head on the back of the front seat and whined, "Can you come in with me?"

Emmett scoffed. "Sure, if you want the Chief to think you're a panty waist who isn't man enough for his daughter."

"Well, what do I do now?" I asked, my head still buried in the seat.

"Go up and knock. Charlie is going to answer the door. Then you have sit with him in front of the TV so you can bond with the old fart. Rosie and I will just chill out here for a few minutes." He looked over at his girl with a grin. "Maybe she'll let me play with her boobs while we wait."

"Alright, that sounds easy enough," I mumbled as I slid open the door. I noticed that Rosalie was unbuttoning her blouse.

After knocking on the door and participating in another handshaking ritual, Chief Swan invited me to sit down on the couch.

"Beer?"

"Um… No thank you, sir."

"Good answer." Several awkward moments passed. The chief grunted. "So you like sports?"

"Well, I played a bit of cricket at school." Of course, I was only 10 and this was only during break time. And I was always the last picked. He didn't need to know that part.

The chief grunted again.

"Oh, uh… Emmett and I play football a couple times a week. I scored a goal once!"

"Touch or tackle?"

"I'm sorry. I meant soccer."

"Oh that's right. Emmett's real good." The Chief seemed genuinely interested.

"Ye… yes, he's our team captain."

Chief Swan turned on a fishing program.

"You like fishing?"

"I love it! I used to go with my grandfather in Scotland." As long as I didn't have to bait the hook, I was good to go. Grandfather always took care of that part for me.

"Next time you visit, we'll go catch some steelhead."

"That sounds brilliant!" I didn't know what steelhead were, but if it got me in good with Bella's father, I was willing to spend an afternoon proving my worthiness for her sake. We then sat there for another 10 minutes enjoying the wonders of Power Bait on the telly. _Hmmm… no worms. I love America!_

Finally, Bella came running down the stairs. She looked fantastic in her tight sweater and jeans. I tried to make out her nipples through the faux cashmere.

"I'm all set, let's go." She started dragging me away.

I broke free of Bella's grasp and went over to shake her father's hand, just as Emmett instructed me to do. I'll take very good care of her, Chief Swan. We're just going to go out with Emmett and Rosalie. You know, grab some dinner, catch a film, maybe go out for ice cream afterward."

"Sounds wholesome. You kids have a great time," he said as he slapped me on the arm.

I was so pleased that I seemed to have passed this part of the preliminary mating ritual with flying colors. I hoped I could continue to impress my girl's very intimidating father.

Emmett picked the restaurant – a local Chinese buffet so that we could "get our money's worth". As usual, he and Rosalie really packed away the food. I wasn't too hungry myself, still feeling nerves from my time with Bella's father and having eaten so many of Grammy's cookies throughout the day. I was also afraid that if I ate too much I might get diarrhea. I noticed that Bella was hardly eating a thing. Once Emmett and Rosalie went back for more desserts, I decided to check on her.

"Are you alright?" I asked while rubbing her back.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." She smiled and looked down. She wouldn't look me in the eye. "Um, what do you say if you and I skip the movie?"

"Oh, are you not feeling well?"

"Nono, I'm fine. I was thinking maybe we could drop them off at the movies and you and I could go park somewhere? Um… Emmett packed some drinks and sleeping bags and stuff in the back."

I couldn't hold back my smile. My girl was a genius. "I think that's a brilliant idea!"

I was rewarded with a huge smile from Bella. She seemed very relieved that I was interested in her plan. _Silly girl. How could not be?_

After dropping off Emmett and Rosalie at the cinema, Bella took over the driver's side and drove us to a secluded place off a private road. Once I figured out how to get the back seat flat, I zipped up the sleeping bags together. Bella and I crawled in and started kissing. I was slobbering all over her face and neck like a golden retriever. It was cold outside, but once we warmed up Bella ripped off her sweater and T shirt and crawled on top of me. As she began rubbing herself over my groin, I leaned up and ripped off her bra so I could see and taste her beautiful breasts. She moaned as I sank my long fingers into her super-size thighs. Then I sat up enough to remove my jumper, only breaking contact with her nipples as I pulled it over my head. I was so turned on my ears were ringing. After several minutes of kissing and groping, she lay down beside me and started scratching her nails over my corduroy covered crotch. It felt divine!

"You didn't have to go through all this trouble just to have your wicked way with me, you know."

"I know but we needed privacy and… I wanna see it, Daniel. I _need_ to see it. I bet it's, like, super cute." She answered, breathing heavily.

"No… um… well, you see Bella. I'm not like other guys you might know."

"What do you mean? Are you like secretly a girl? Like in that movie? Because that's not a deal breaker for me."

"Um…" I chuckled. "No no, Bella I'm all man. 100% natural, manly man. Do you know what I mean?"

"Not really." She looked like she was thinking hard. "Oh, you mean you don't wax your balls?

"Well, no, I don't. Actually the thought never occurred to me. Um… Is that what Americans do?" I asked, my voice reaching up an octave.

"I'm not sure but Emmett does." Bella shrugged.

_How the hell did she know that?_ I wondered. Once I thought about it, I did recall that Emmett had a rather smooth scrotum.

Bella started rubbing my arm. "Hey! I'm sure that's fine as long as they aren't, like, super hairy." She paused. "But if they are super hairy I can live with that," she quickly added with a nod.

"No Bella. That's not what I mean but if my nut grass bothers you I'll certainly remove it."

"Then what's the matter, Daniel?"

I was so embarrassed, couldn't look at her so I stared at the new moon peaking through the window. I didn't want to be different. I just wanted to fit in. "Bella, I'm English as you know, and where I come from very few men are circumcised." I finally glanced at her sweet angel face. "_I'm_ not circumcised. Um… my prepuce is intact."

"Oh. Is that what you're worried about, sweetie? I've seen a few uncircumcised penises."

"But I thought…?"

"At the care center. You know I have to help people with personal care. It's no big deal."

"No?"

Bells slipped her big hand over my manhood. She had a huge smile on her face. "Nope. So, can I see it now?"

"Well, if you'd like." I was still a little nervous but Bella was one smooth operator. She gently rubbed her hand on me as she kissed me. It felt wonderful and I couldn't deny her anything.

"Oh, I'd like. I can tell you are packing some heat down there."

She kept kissing me as she coaxed my zipper down and rubbed her hand over my boxer briefs. As I scooted my pants down and off to the bottom of the sleeping bag, Bella's hand made its way into my underpants. Just as I was enjoying the feel of her fingers wrapping around my shaft she dragged them up toward the head. Suddenly she stopped and looked at me, her face full of terror.

"Oh my God!" she gasped.

_Oh no, she's turned off by my foreskin._ "W-what's the matter, Bella?" I asked with concern.

"It's too big for my tiny hole. It's never going to fit!"

I began to correct her. I had measured myself many times; I knew I was exactly 5.8 inches long and of average girth. "Bella, I assure you... Um, my penis…" Then I stopped. I leaned over on my side, propping my head on my hand.

I was ashamed to admit it, but I let my own worries of inadequacy overshadow Bella's fears. Instead of reassuring her that I was of normal size, I did nothing to quench her vaginal concerns. Instead, I embraced my inner bastard.

"Well, it's okay Bella," I explained, using my most authoritative and scientific voice. "You see, the vaginal walls were designed to stretch, thus allowing something the circumference of a baby to pass through. I'm sure that with a little stretching and extra lubricant, we can ease into this so to speak when the timing is right for us both. If we go slowly we can make my spectacular manhood fit."

"Really?"

"Of course. And I think we should wait before we fornicate." I paused hoping to convey my deep sincere feelings. "Bella, I want to protect your virtue. I don't want to take advantage of you. I care about you so much. You have no idea the dirty, filthy thoughts that go through my mind when I think about you."

"Oh Daniel, you say the sweetest things!" Bella cried out as she pulled me over and plunged her tongue into my mouth.

"Oops! Hold on. Let me take off my glasses here." I scooted up, gently placing them on the console between the driver and passenger seats. In the process, my erection knocked into Bella's forehead. My pre-ejaculatory fluid was dripping everywhere. Once I got back down into the bag, I wiped off the little smudge Bella's between her eyes.

"There you go. Good as new." I finished it with a little kiss.

"Can you bring it out again? I barely got a chance to see it."

"Yes, of course." I had been hiding a bit down in the sleeping bag without realizing it. I scooted up a little, while Bella pulled down the covers. I lay on my back while she ran her thick fingers all over my chest, teasing my nipples, tugging on my manly chest hair. Eventually, she rubbed my tummy and dove her fingers into my furry bits. Although she wasn't touching my penis yet, her loving caresses on my body were making me quite aroused. I could have cried knowing that she still desired me, foreskin and all.

Bella started kissing my upper chest as she looked down. I was leaned back on my elbows as I watched her explore my loins. I let out a little moan at the sensation of someone else's hand finally pleasuring my sensitive skin. I especially enjoyed the feel of her fondling my scrotum.

Bella looked at me with a big smile. "It looks like a corndog."

_Corndogs are good._

"Well, my sweet. You can feel free to nibble on it anytime you desire."

As she giggled, Bella used just the right amount of pressure to place on my testicles as she rolled them around in her palm. What amazing instincts she had! I couldn't wait until she wrapped those fingers around my aching shaft.

Finally I felt her warm hand close around my hard as steel erection. She squeezed gently and the pressure made pulse and twitch with pleasure. I wanted her to pump my shaft to blissful orgasm. I knew it wouldn't take much. Her hand began to move and I closed my eyes in heady anticipation…

"Ouch! No, Bella!" I shouted as I felt the searing pain of my tender and sensitive foreskin roughly being pulled back too far. I sounded a little harsher than I meant to, but her handling was painful. I tried to gentle my tone. "You can't just handle it like a joy stick. My penis is a strong but delicate instrument." I gave Big D a few pets to help him relax.

Bella looked hurt. "Oh sweet Daniel, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" She started rubbing my thigh.

Once I calmed down, I felt terrible for being so severe. "It's alright. Here let me show you what feels nice." I grabbed her hand and placed it on my firm flesh. I showed her the sensitive part on the underside of my head and guided her hand up and down a few times.

"Oh… right there. That's perfect. You see how my foreskin goes back and forth a bit as you pull?"

"Yeah." Bella nodded her head. She looked so cute and conscientious. She was really trying her best.

"It stays there. You don't want to pull it back too roughly while it's erect."

"OK." She looked up and smiled with pride as she saw how much I was enjoying her ministrations.

"Heavens! Bella..." I grunted. "Uh… this is incredibly pleasurable. Oh… I'm going to ejaculate!"

Bella kept her hand steady as my fountain of semen shot up into the air.

Afterwards, Bella just stared at her cum-coated hand. "Damn that's a lot of man-chowder. Is that normal?"

I leaned back up on my elbows and looked down at the mess. "Well, it's been a while so I probably built up a bit of a reserve."

"Gosh, how long has it been?"

"A few hours. If I don't release the floodgate now and then the pressure builds up, and I have explosion of biblical proportions," I explained.

"Um. Let me get you cleaned up here." Bella reached over for a towel. She looked back over at me sheepishly.

"I love a woman who makes plans."

She smiled with relief as she gently wiped me down. I felt so relaxed and cared for. After she was finished, we kissed and cuddled as she continued to fondle my shrinking penis and foreskin with curiosity. I felt both relieved and a little silly after spending all those weeks worrying that Bella wouldn't like my genitals.

Although, I was ready to go again not long after I had finished, we had to get dressed and pick up Emmett and Rosalie. We held hands and kept smiling at each other the entire hour drive home.

8=====o ~~~

Over the next couple of days I tried to spend as much time with Bella as possible even though she was working so much. When I was not with Bella, I made myself useful around the McCarty residence by cooking meals and cleaning out the garage with Emmett and his father. Emmett and I enjoyed looking up and testing out new marinades for the BBQ, much to the appreciation of the whole family.

I woke up one morning to a knocking on the underside of my bunk.

"You smell that, Danny Boy?"

"Wha… what?" I was still quite groggy.

"Don't tell me you can't smell that. Oh, fuck yeah! Bella's cooking bacon. Get your clothes on. Quick!"

We scurried around the room and I quickly found my trousers. After running the three blocks to Bella's house I was a little winded. I stood on the lawn leaning over with my hands on my knees as Emmett jumped over the bushes started tapping the glass and waving through the living room window. As I looked up, I could see Bella giggling but when Chief Swan looked out he was not amused.

Emmett had that smile on his face that he always has just before finding food. I followed him in through the front door. As he sat down at the table he kindly pulling a chair out for me. He was always so considerate. Sure enough, Bella had eggs, bacon, and sausages frying up for the Chief. She even had cinnamon rolls baking in the oven. It smelled like heaven on earth!

"Good to see you, Charlie." Emmett slapped Chief Swan on the shoulder.

"McCarty," the Chief spoke back from behind his newspaper.

Bella finally sat down so we could all dig in. Her freshly baked goods were a real treat for the olfactory senses. While Emmett and Bella's father fought over the meat like a couple of Neanderthals, I leaned over to whisper into Bella's ear.

"I can't wait to taste your buns."

"Oh Daniel," she slapped me on the arm and giggled. It felt wonderful. _Mmmm… perhaps someday I can get her to slap me on the arse. _

Chief Swan lowered his paper and glared at me. He'd heard.

Thankfully, Emmett and Bella kept up a conversation while I occupied myself by swirling my tongue around in the cinnamon bun frosting. Just as I started daydreaming about licking the frosting off Bella's nipples, Emmett slapped my back, jolting me back to reality.

"So Chief, Daniel here can shoot!"

"Really?" Chief Swan eyed me speculatively.

"Uh-huh," Emmett replied.

"You boys up for some targets after breakfast?"

"Yeah, sure." Emmett turned to me. "Danny Boy, show him what you got!"

"Uh… well I don't really remember much from our excursion."

"Don't worry. We'll give you a refresher." The chief looked genuinely excited to shoot something.

"OK, you guys set up and I'll help Bella clean up the kitchen." Emmett walked over to the pantry closet and grabbed an apron. It was red with print that said "100% American beef" and had an arrow pointing to his privates.

I gave Emmett my look of death. He was my best mate! He was supposed to have my backside! _Damn it!_ In return he just winked and gave a "thumbs up" sign. I supposed he was trying to assure me but it wasn't working.

I went out to the back patio while Chief Swan got out his rifle.

"Alright, kiddo. Hang on to this while I get some beer cans set up along the back fence."

After loading it, he handed it to me. I'd never handled a rifle before so I was quite nervous.

As Bella's father was setting up the "Vitamin R" cans, I fumbled with the gun and with a blast it somehow it went off.

"Awww fuck!" The Chief was grabbing his bum as he fell to the ground.

_Oh no! I shot Chief Swan!_

_

* * *

_**A/N: **Thanks for sticking with the story! Did you like Daniel's prepuce (foreskin)? Would you like to read more about it?**  
**

**Thank you for your wonderful reviews and PMs. I love talking to you guys! **

**:-D**

Recomendations:

**Twilight: 101,918 B.C.** with Caveward by **Crissee**. This started out as fun Facebook conversation and ended up as cute one-shot.

Got slash? ** Potential** by **Rosmarina** is guaranteed to make you a convert by chapter 1! **Best handjob I have ever read.**

The Garden by **Winterstale** is a fascinating and sexy BDSM story with a twist.

**Impact** by **nise7465**. Edward is a neurologist and paraplegic who gets hit (again!) by a car. He meets Bella who has MS. If you are interested in a story that deals with disabilities and human struggles, I recommend this for the sweet love story and education.

**The Cullen Sutras** by **Magnolia 822** (complete). Edward is a yoga instructor with a past. Amazingly well-written with canon tie-ins. SEXY lemons!


	26. Butt I Didn't Shoot the Deputy

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. Just giving Daniel the adventures that he deserves.**

Thank you to Rosmarina for her beta skills and to Winterstale for pre-reading.

* * *

Chapter 25 – Butt I Didn't Shoot the Deputy

Theme Song – I Shot the Sherriff by Bob Marley

Everything happened so fast. I stood there frozen with the gun in my hand. I didn't know what to do or what had happened. I looked over at the house and saw Emmett staring out the window with a look of shock on his face. In an instant he ran outside, jumped over the porch railing, and placed his hands on Chief Swan who was writhing in pain. Bella came rushing out after him.

"Roll over, old man. Let's see what we got here."

"Shut up! I'm not that old," The chief growled. "Still young enough to kick your ass."

Bella was so worried and shocked. All I recall her saying was "Oh Daddy!" over and over through her hands.

Chief Swan turned to Bella to reassure her. "It's okay, Bells. Your old man is going to be fine," he said through gritted teeth.

"Come on…" Emmett had the chief on his side, pulled his hand away, and yanked his pants down a little. "Okaaaaay. It looks like we had a little accident here. Somehow, I think you're gonna be just fine though, Chief." As he said this, Emmett ripped off his t-shirt and pressed it to Chief Swan's bottom. His pectoral muscles were flexing and his nipples were tight from the cold.

"Fuck, twenty years in law enforcement and my first bullet is a .22 from my own fucking gun, delivered from my daughter's boyfriend. Shit!"

Emmett gave out a nervous chuckle. "Dude, it went clean through. How the hell did a .22 at that range make it out the other side?" He then looked over at me with a perplexed expression as if I had any answers. I just shrugged my shoulders. Apparently, the bullet had entered and exited the same butt cheek.

Emmett looked over at Bella, taking control of the situation. "Sweetheart, can you go get the keys to the cruiser for me?"

"Um… yeah. OK." She answered quietly and went straight into the house.

"Danny boy," he continued his instructions. "Why don't you go get your sweater on. We're gonna have to take old Chief Swan here in to the ER."

"Right!" I snapped to attention, gave a little salute, and acquired the necessary garment. After completing our necessary tasks, we met back at the police cruiser.

I looked over at Bella who was now softly crying.

"Bella, I'm…" I began to offer but I didn't know what to say. We were both in a state of shock.

"Alrighty Chief." Emmett carried Bella's father bridal-style and slowly helped him get into the back seat of the police car. He then went around and opened the door to help Bella get in front on the passenger seat. That left only the back seat next to the Chief.

A still shirtless Emmett opened the door for me, handing me his t-shirt. "Get in, bro. I need you to apply lots of firm but gentle pressure to Charlie's ass."

As I reached over to the Chief's bum, he snapped at me. "Don't touch me!" He grabbed the t-shirt and held it tight to himself.

"Yes sir." I looked straight forward at the back of Bella's head, wondering what must be going through her mind. I wanted to comfort her but we needed to help her father first. I felt so useless, wishing he would at least allow me to hold his bum.

"Feels like my ass is on fire," he growled.

I nodded in sympathy. "Yes, I get that sometimes too when my piles flare up."

He looked over at me puzzled. "How the hell does a 19 year old kid get hemorrhoids?

"Oh you know… chronic constipation, inadequate intake of fiber, the usual suspects." I paused and contemplated. "Perhaps my anal blood vessels are especially tender, but I've found that a daily regimen of roughage and brisk walks really helps."

'Huh…" he looked puzzled and started tapping the plexi glass window of the front seat.

Emmett turned around with a big smile. He had already gotten the car started. His hands were roaming around flipping switched on and off.

"Hang on dudes, just trying to figure out all these little knobs and buttons up here. Man, it's so complicated."

"Emmett, you can't just drive a police car. It's illegal!"

"Well, now Chief… you know what a law abiding citizen I am and how I would hate to speed down the road in a cop car with the full lights and sirens and shit, so if you would prefer we can all cram into Bella's bug. You know that piece of shit you bought from Billi Black?" Emmett looked over at Bella. "Let's see. We can leave your father here while I fiddle with the battery cables, the three of us push start it, drive back, plop the back seat back down, stuff your dad and Daniel in the back and be on our merry way-"

"Oh just shut up and drive!" Chief Swan had become impatient.

Emmett turned back towards Bella's father. "Are you sure, Chief? We could just chance it at home like in the wild west and just poor whisky over the wound or in your case, some Vitamin R."

Chief Swan sat back and groaned. After looking at the blood on his hand, he passed out.

_Cowboy up, Daniel._

I reached over and placed my hand under his bum and held it firmly, just like Emmett had instructed.

Next thing I knew, we were speeding down Highway 101 with the flashing lights and sirens on and another police car right behind us.

When we got out at the hospital a lady office got out of the car that was following us.

"Hey Leah!" Emmett held up his hand as he was opening the Chief's door. He proceeded to pick up Chief Swan and carry him into the emergency room.

Bella and I followed right behind. I placed my clean hand on her shoulder as we walked in. Once the nurses took over Chief Swan's care, we all stepped back out into the hallway.

"McCarty, what the hell is going on here?" the lady police officer came up and asked.

"Um, well you see Daniel here shot Charlie." I held up my bloody hand and gave a little wave.

Dr. Cullen then quickly appeared through the double doors. "Alright kids. Well," he smacked his hands together. "We have our best people working on Charlie so why don't you guys go chillax in the waiting room. There's coffee and magazines and even a puzzle."

_Oooh a puzzle!_ That sounded like just the thing to get my mind off of what had just happened.

As Bella and Emmett made their way to the waiting room, I walked around the corner to wash my hands. I heard boots behind me.

"Not so fast," said the lady officer.

"Yes? Can I help you…" I pushed my glasses up my nose and bent down as I looked at her name tag, situated right above her left breast. "…Officer Clearwater?"

"I think you need to come with me kid. I'm afraid you are under arrest."

"But…" was all I got out before she pulled my arms behind my back and handcuffed me. It was my greatest fantasy and nightmare all wrapped up into one. As we walked out to her police car I started to stumble. Apparently she took that for resisting arrest because she began to lecture me and read my rights as she bent me over the trunk of the car and palpated my buttocks and groin.

"Do you have any weapons or drugs on you?"

"N-No officer. I assure you I do not." I said as she drove her hand deep into my front pocket. She brushed my left nut.

"I feel something hard in here…"

"Oh wait - " I choked out as she pulled out my coin purse and credit card-size multi-tool that I always keep on hand for emergencies. It had many functions for a college student: bottle opener, screwdriver, ruler, etc. It certainly didn't seem like a weapon to me.

Officer Clearwater glared at me.

"But - "

"Can it kid. You got anything else?"

I shook my head no.

"Are you smuggling anything in your colon?"

"Heavens no!"

"So you didn't stuff anything in your butt?"

"Uh… well, not recently." I looked at the ground and bit my lip.

Officer Clearwater opened the door and pushed my head down. "OK, get in the car, kiddo. Until we get this all sorted out, you'll be spending some time in the Forks jail. We can't have attempted murderers walking the streets of our quiet little town, now can we?"

That sounded reasonable. "I suppose not," I mumbled.

O~O

After having my handcuffs removed, I was lead into a room with a telephone, just like on the telly. I immediately moved my stiff shoulders about and rubbed my wrists. _They really should line those with soft fur to protect the skin. Brilliant idea, Daniel! I'll bet that no one has ever thought of that._

I slowly picked up the phone and dialed. I looked over at Officer Clearwater watching me so I knew I would have no privacy. I got Emmett's voicemail. "Hey, mate. I'm sorry to disturb you, but I'm in the Forks jail at the moment. Um… I don't know what to do. Could you please tell Chief Swan that I sincerely apologize and that it was an accident and let Bella know that I love her and I completely understand if she wants to break up with me?" At this point I started to cry. "Thank you…" I mumbled, feeling completely hopeless.

Before putting me in lockup, the police lady handed me a roll of toilet tissue and allowed me a moment to pull it together. "Look kiddo, you don't want to be behind bars crying. These guys will eat you alive!"

I nodded and thanked her.

My jail cell was comprised of two sets of bunk beds with a toilet and sink between them. Once I got my bearings I looked over to see a bloke and a very muscular woman playing cards on the bottom bunk on the right side and a man passed out on the bottom bunk on the left.

"Well, well, well… what do we have here?" A very large man stood up and walked over to me. He circled around me to size me up. "My name's Tiny, but you can call me _Mr._ Tiny. I'm in charge in here."

I gulped. "But I thought Officer Clearwater was in charge?" I asked.

The woman left sitting on the bunk started to laugh.

"Shut up Wayne." _Wayne? What kind of name is Wayne for a lady? _

Wayne immediately stopped laughing.

Mr. Tiny turned back to me. "Behind these bars, I'm in charge."

I slowly nodded my head in understanding.

He then walked behind me and began running his hands up and down my biceps and sniffing my shoulders. "That's a mighty nice sweater you've got there. I like the pretty colors."

I immediately stiffened. (My back, not my penis.) I was terrified at both the prospect of having to become this man's "special jail friend" and losing my precious sweater. "Thank you," I replied, hoping that my good manners would get me out of any potential altercations.

"And you smell real good too."

"Oh, thank you. Well, you see I shower every day with lemon verbena soap. My girlfriend likes the smell." _OK, now that he knows I don't swing that way, I'm sure he will go back to playing cards with his muscular lady friend. A polite hint is probably all it takes to let him know that I'm off the market, so to speak. "Don't be so paranoid, Danny Boy!" I could hear Emmett's soothing baritone voice whisper in my ear._

"Well ain't that nice. I want it. It feels all nice and soft, and it smells so fresh."

I liked my jumper. In fact, I loved it. Not, however, more than my anal virginity. So I removed my precious jumper, hand-knitted by Nan, and hoped that this diplomatic gift would get me out of a potentially sticky situation. I reckoned she would have been OK with that. All I had on was my "Double Rainbow All The Way" t-shirt.

Mr. Tiny started giggling and rubbing his face all over it as soon as I handed it to him. "This will make a great pillow!" He walked over to his bunk and kicked off Wayne so that he could lay down. Wayne climbed up to her bunk and started shuffling her cards.

"So, rainbow boy, what are you in for?" Mr. Tiny asked as he got comfortable.

"Uh…" I was so embarrassed. "I shot Chief Swan."

"What did you just say?" Wayne asked.

"I shot the police chief, in the back." _God, I'm such a tosser._

"No way!" scoffed.

"Hey Leah!" Wayne yelled to Officer Clearwater at her desk through the swinging doors. "Is cream puff here telling the truth?"

"Yep! Charlie's in the ER as we speak," she replied.

"Holy shit!" Wayne leaned over the bunk to face Mr. Tiny. I could just hear her whisper to his bunk mate. "Give psycho-boy back his sweater, dude."

My. Tiny got up. Shook out my sweater and handed it back to me.

"I uh… I was just kidding, you know. And I… um… had a stiff neck but it's better now so here you go, bro."

"Thanks, mate." _Yay! I got my favorite jumper back! Good manners save the day again!  
_

"So now that you've been properly hazed, why don't you pick a bed. You want mine?"

"Oh," I chuckled. "No need for that. I'm not fussy. Besides, I like to be on top. I'll just settle in over here above this sleeping man."

"That's Lenny," Wayne announced.

I looked over at the snoring body. "Nice to meet you Lenny," I joked.

After spreading my scratchy blanket over my plastic mattress, I glanced at the toilet. I could feel a certain fullness in my bum. _I really would like to sit down and have a peaceful, private bowel movement._ I shook that thought out of my head and clenched my buttocks.

Looking back over at Mr. Tiny. Poor geezer looked so anxious.

"Are you alright, mate? You look a bit nervous and uncomfortable." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"Is it your neck? Still bothering you?"

"Yeah, no big deal." Mr. Tiny waved me off.

I decided to offer up a solution to make us all more comfortable.

"Well let's sit in the middle and make a massage circle, shall we?"

The guys were hesitant for some reason.

"Come on guys. We might as well make our stay here as pleasant as possible," I encouraged.

Wayne smiled at me nervously and slid down from her bunk, accidentally kicking Mr. Tiny in the shin as she did so.

"OK, yeah, sure," he coughed.

The three of us made more of a triangle than a circle. We needed one more to make a proper massage circle.

Wayne called over to the sleeping fellow, "Hey Lenny, wake up and get over here."

Lenny sat down behind Mr. Tiny while I massaged Wayne's neck.

Nobody knew what to do so I had to take charge. I figured that these partner-enhanced relaxation techniques might help these potential gentleman in working out some of their emotional issues. "OK, guys, let's start with the shoulders. It's important to get those foundation muscles loosened up before really working those long hard neck muscles. Don't be afraid to sink in deep now! Most men don't know it, but they really do like it deep and thorough. Some blokes even like it a little rough."

Soon, we were all in our happy circle, groaning with pleasure.

"So… Um, Miss Wayne? What's a nice lady like you doing in a place like this?" I used a lame pick-up line to break the ice and get a dialogue started.

"I ain't no lady. I just happen to like the feel of sexy woman's clothing, wigs and high heels," Wayne huffed.

Mr. Tiny joined in. "Yeah, he's been like that forever. Hey Wayne, remember back in 11th when I was picking on you and you beat the shit out of me?" Mr. Tiny and Wayne both chuckled and Lenny joined in. Their laughing was infectious.

"Well I suppose he shut you up then?" I inquired.

"Nope, it took a few more fights but I have to say, nobody fucks with Wayne anymore. He fights like a woman when he's in his lady get-up. And when I say like a woman, I mean all-out nasty. He ain't above going for the junk and using his press-on nails on another dude."

I shuddered at the thought of Wayne using those "large talons" in a physical altercation. They looked lethal but they sure felt good during back scratch time.

During our group massage session, I found out that Mr. Tiny, Wayne, and Lenny were all "frequent fliers" of the Forks jail. This week, Mr. Tiny and Wayne were hauled in by Leah for fighting over a $10 pull-tab. Whenever Lenny got drunk, his wife would kick him out of the house so he liked to walk down to the station to sleep in a jail cell. Once I got to know them, they were all really nice fellows. They even offered me first pick of the available frozen entrees that were served for dinner. However, being that Wane was in his womanly attire, I still felt the need to be a gentleman and treat him like a proper lady, so I insisted that he choose first. He went straight for the chicken nuggets. Still, I got my favorite: Salisbury steak with a blueberry compote.

After a good meal and relaxed neck and shoulder muscles, I was ready to get some sleep. At first it was hard to get comfortable under my blanket and I missed having sheets, but none of that mattered when I remembered why I was there in the first place. I knew the Chief would be OK. My extensive anatomical studies of the muscles, nerves and circulatory system of the female buttocks told me that there were no major blood vessels where the bullet went in since it was so close to the surface. Thus, with modern medical intervention, I knew he would be alright as long as he didn't succumb to a nosocomial infection like MRSA or some sort of flesh eating fasciitis. However, questions were racing through my mind: _How long would I be in jail? Would I be deported upon release?_ Most importantly, _would Bella ever forgive me?_ The thought of losing Bella made my bowels feel loose. So I kept clenching my sphincter throughout the night to try and avoid having to so a 'sit-down' in front of the guys. I had hoped that someone else would have to go first.

"Hey Lenny," I leaned over and asked in a whisper. "How long do most people stay here?"

"Well, we usually come in sometime on Friday evening and go home on Saturday or Sunday, so we can get back to work by Monday. I hate to say it, but you're fucked man. Sorry. None of us ever done nothin' as bad as shooting an officer of the law."

_I'm fucked._

_What I would give to have my best mate Emmett lying beneath me._

_What I would give to feel Bella beside me all soft and warm and loving. Not minding at all my erection throbbing and probing between her butt cheeks with my hand kneading her soft globes in my sleep._

I groaned and laid back down with a sigh.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you guys so much for reading and reviewing! **I really appreciate your understanding. I'm a little behind on the reviews but I will get to them all.

As a bonus, everyone who leaves a review will get a nudie pic of Daniel. That's right, pervs! One of six exclusive, genuine manips made with my mad skills and never before seen by anyone other than myself, Rosalie, or Daniel. One pic was already leaked on Facebook and Twitter, and its a hot one.

All you need to do is review and I will send you the blog link and password in my reply. :-D

**O~O**

Lately, I've been on a "**Pioneer Porn**" kick...

**A Handsome Woman** by Viola Cornuta and Winterstale (Judges Choice WINNER in the Curvy and Bodacious Contest)

**In Your World** by solostintwilight

**Mail Order Bride** and **Bear Valley Ranch** by Lady Gwynedd (both complete)


	27. My Release

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbo****ok but I do own 13 Neil Diamond albums. **

Thanks to** Rosmarina **for editing this chapter and to** Blackhale82**,** Crissee**, and** TwistedCoincidence **for prereading.

******THANK YOU ALL** for the support you have given my story.** :-)  
**

* * *

Chapter 26 – My Release

Theme Song – Bad Boys by Bob Marley

As relaxing as the massage circle had been, I was awake most of the night with a tummy ache, anxiety, and a sore sphincter. Eventually I fell into a fitful sleep dreaming of being back in my parent's house in Guildford. The next morning I woke up feeling depressed and exhausted. My mouth felt fuzzy and I desperately wanted to brush my teeth.

When I heard a commotion in the front of the police station, I sat up too fast and bumped my head. As I grabbed my forehead in agony, I could just barely make out the conversation through the doors.

"Well, what about conjugal visits?" _Bella? Oh goodness they're here! _She sounded upset.

"Come on Bells, you have to be married for that." _There's Chief Swan._ I was so relieved that he was alright!

"Okay then," she replied coolly.

Chief Swan let out an exasperated sigh. "You can't be serious!"

"Bella, don't you think you're a little young to be getting married? Let's NOT give your father a heart attack on top of a shot-up ass." _Thank goodness,_ _Emmett. You're here too, bro!_

"Damn right!" Chief Swan sounded angry.

"You know, Chief, living in a small town is great." I could actually hear Emmett slap him on the back. _I wonder if Chief Swan flinches like I do. _ "Those hot nurses took such good care of you. That's what's great about living in a small town, you know. The personal treatment, the care of the WHOLE community when one of its folks is down. Once word gets out on the front page of the Forks Review, that the Police Chief's future-son-in-law shot him in the ass in his own yard with his own 22, I'll bet the community will rally around and fill up the deep freeze out in the garage with casseroles." Emmett chuckled. "You'd better clear out some of that steelhead and venison."

After several moments of silence, I heard Chief Swan yell. "Hey Leah!"

Leah sounded close by. "Hang on, Chief. Let me find the keys."

"Daddy, can I go see him?"

"Fine." The Chief grumbled.

Through the doors ran my Bella. The most beautiful sight I have ever seen even though she looked as if she hadn't slept at all and her clothes were wrinkled. I looked down and saw that she still had on her bunny slippers. _Oh heavens, she never went home after we go to the hospital!_

"Daniel!" She ran up to the bars.

I quickly jumped down from my bunk in a flash and ran over to hold her hands through the bars. The pain in my head subsided at the vision of my sweet girl.

"Ooooh, sexy mama! " Wayne let out a whistle.

I promptly heard a smack behind me. "That's Charlie's daughter, dumbass."

"Oh shit, sorry Bella." He paused. "Wow, college has been good for you, sweetheart… Hey, remember when you used to babysit little Riley? He's almost 6 feet tall now. You were an awesome babysitter!"

"Thanks," Bella looked down, embarrassed. "Well, I've only been away four months."

I felt a growling in my chest. I turned around and glared at my jail mates. _She's_ _mine. Mine, all mine. She's my precious_! I stood there listening to my inner voices. I was going mad from too long in the slammer.

_Wait Daniel, You're not Gollum and this is not Lord of the Rings. Get a hold of yourself, mate. Prison is doing funny things to your mind, what with feeling like a caged animal and all the testosterone permeating the room. _Quickly I came back to my senses and adjusted my glasses. All my sweating made them run down my nose.

I turned back and looked at Bella's angelic face. As I stared into her chocolate brown eyeballs, I felt my shame all the way down to my inner core. "You're a beautiful woman, Bella. You deserve so much better." I propped my forearm up to the bars and rested my head against it as I sighed out. "Oh Bella, as much as I would love to make love to you in a jail cell. It's been a fantasy of mine, you know…. you play the lady prison officer who keeps me handcuffed and holds my legs down with a nightstick as you ride my thick, hard shaft in the reverse cowgirl position… I just couldn't let you tie yourself down to me. I'm a criminal, Bella. They will probably deport me back to England." I looked back up at her face and paused for a moment. "And you deserve better. A better life. One without the likes of me…" I trailed off as I turned away and resigned myself to a lifetime of prison food and public bowel movements. Although the food at the Forks jail was admittedly quite good. At least I had TV dinners to look forward to each night.

I began my ascent up my bunk in shame and self-loathing.

Bella took a deep breath. "Get back over here you sweet, silly boy."

I did as I was told and reached for her large delicate hands once more.

"Look sweetie." Bella rubbed her fingers over my knuckles to relax me. "Everything is going to be alright. You're going to be set free and the charges dropped. Charlie wouldn't have even had you arrested. I think it just looked bad to Leah what with the speeding cop car and the gunshot wound to my dad's butt and all."

"How's your father?"

"Pissed off." Bella chuckled. "But totally fine. Well he will be soon. They cleaned out his ass last yesterday while we hung out at the hospital. He had a few complications and they moved at a snail's pace but he's fine. Once we knew my Dad would be okay and Emmett received your phone call, he contacted his parents who called a lawyer for you and talked to my Dad. Dad knows you aren't a criminal, even if he would like to lock you up for dating me. Turns out the lawyer wasn't even necessary. It was a mistake and Leah is going to let you out in just a minute."

I was so relieved. "I-I thought you would hate me." I choked out, trying to hold back a sob. I was unsuccessful as the tears flowed down my cheeks.

"D-do you still want me?" I groveled.

"Of course, Daniel," Bella cooed. "I could never ever hate you. It's going to all be fine."

She reached through the bars to pull up my glasses and wipe the tears that had escaped. She didn't get them back on right because when I leaned through the bars to give her a kiss, they were knocked to the floor.

Emmett had snuck over without me noticing. He reached through the lower bars to grab my glasses and handed them back to me. He greeted my jail-mates as I pulled my emotions together. _Everyone in this village knows each other._

"Hey bro!" he greeted me enthusiastically, punctuating it with a bro-fist. "Ah fuck it, I need a hug, man." Emmett reached through and pulled me to him. It felt good in his arms, pressed against the bars.

"I'm so fucking sorry that you got hauled away. At first we both thought you were behind us, then when you didn't join in at the puzzle table, we figured you were in the men's room. Eventually, I went in looking for you and figured that since I was already there I'd drop a deuce. Apparently, you called while I was on the throne, only it showed up as a private number so I didn't answer it. Sorry, bro! Anyhoo, after another hour of trying to figure out where the fuck you ran off to, it finally dawned on us that it might have been you calling. After checking around we found out where you were. I had to stay with Bella but I turned you over to my parents. I didn't mean to let you down-"

"Hey thanks, bro! I should have known you would have my back." I couldn't let him finish his last sentence. I couldn't allow him to blame himself for my own mishaps.

"You know it, dude." Emmett, relieved, started laughing. "Um… Grammy found out and had a shit fit. She left several threatening messages on Charlie's cell phone. Thankfully, I was holding his pants with his cell in it and Bella figured out his PIN so we could delete them all. Man, I have never heard Grammy talk like that. She would put a fleet of sailors to shame."

Bella chimed in with a smile. "No doubt she would have broken you out of jail if we hadn't settled things first. Hey, listen to this. I forwarded my favorite message to myself."

Bella put her phone on speaker with a giggle.

"_Listen here you redneck piece of shit. I will kick your fucking ass if you don't let that sweet, innocent boy out of jail pronto. That lovely boy is my special adopted grandson and I will use all my power to assure his happiness."_

Then Grammy paused to lower her voice.

"_Don't make me go loco on your ass, you motherfucker. I've got connections." _CLICK!

I felt all warm and fuzzy inside that Grammy called me her grandson. I hoped Emmett was willing to share. I looked over in shock at Bella and Emmett. "Wow, Grammy has some spunk in her!"

"Yeah, don't fuck with my Grammy!" Emmett's eyes were proud. He continued. "What a fucking day and long-ass night! Let's get you out of here and get some food, Danny Boy. I could really go for some biscuits and gravy. "

The doors to the hallway swung open and Leah came in to let me out.

"Hey guys," I turned back to my new friends. "Thank you for making me feel like a part of your posse. If I ever go to jail again, I hope I can share a cell with you blokes. All in all, I had a really nice time."

I couldn't wait to get home and sit on the toilet.

"Hey Dan, stop by the tavern next time you're in town."

"Thanks Mr. Tiny!"

"Sorry about whistling at your woman there. Hmph, Bella's grown up real nice. _Real _nice."

"Yes, she most certainly has!" I concurred with Miss Wayne and then looked over at Lenny. "Hey mate, try and cut back on the booze, alright? It's not doing you any good. Other than the food, spending weekends here isn't fun now, is it?"

"Nah, man. I miss my old lady. And I know she gets awful horny without me."

"So are you going to check into those AA meetings we discussed last night?"

"Yeah, I sure will, Dan." Lenny gave me a thumbs up from his bunk.

The jangle of Leah's key turning in the lock was sweet music to my ears. As soon as I was free, I clung to Bella, loving the feel of her soft, beautiful body. I wanted to kiss her and devour her mouth but I knew I had a screaming case of halitosis, not having brushed my teeth in the past 24 hours.

Bella didn't seem to care, kissing and squeezing me with all her exuberance. She then squeezed me a little too hard and a bit of flatulence seeped out.

"What was that squeak?" she asked.

She noticed the sound but since I hadn't gotten to that point in our relationship where we pass gas in front of each other, I played dumb.

"Hmm… maybe the bars? Let's go home then, shall we?" I wanted us to get out as soon as possible in case it was a stinker. And I really needed to use the toilet.

As soon as we were through the doors, Chief Swan was waiting for me. My stomach sank.

"I need to speak with Daniel... _Alone_!" He added for emphasis. "Let's have a little chat in the interrogation room, son."

"Uh… yes sir." I lowered my eyes and followed him as he hobbled along with a cane. His injury and short-term disability was entirely my fault.

_Time to "cowboy up", Daniel._

"Chief Swan…" I got out. "I am so terribly sorry. I swear it was a complete accident. I would never want to hurt anyone, especially not my girlfriend's father, whom I know she loves very much. Although once, when I was a young lad, I accidentally squished my hamst-"

The Chief held up his hand to stop me.

"Look son," he cleared his throat. "I know it was an accident. And really, it was my own damn fault. I was just so excited to have us do something to bond over. You know, I just wanted to be down with the kids and hang out with my daughter's boyfriend. I should have been more careful. Let's uh… let's just pretend this never happened."

"Absolutely, sir!" I wasn't expecting that. My eyebrows had climbed up my forehead and I pushed my glasses back into place. "Um, I will gladly assist you all I can in your recovery. I would really like to help you out."

"Nah," he waved me off. "I can walk. Just have to take it easy for a few weeks. I've been saving up sick time for years." He sighed. "It's about time I took a little time to myself. Maybe I will catch up on some old movies, read up on a little history, maybe tie some flies."

I nodded my head. "That sounds like a wonderful idea. You could get Netflix. I hear The Tudors HBO series is quite educational."

"Yeah? I'll look into that one. I love documentaries." Chief Swan grabbed my shoulder. "Let's get you home, kid."

"Sure thing, Chief!"

When we pulled into Bella's drive way, we noticed a brown car and a woman standing on the front steps wearing an old fashioned nurse's uniform and red platform heels .

Emmett gave Chief Swan a knowing look. "Oh yeah, Charlie!"

"What's Mrs. Clearwater doing here, Dad?"

Chief Swan suddenly looked rather uncomfortable. "Oh, well I arranged for some home care before I left the hospital." He cleared his throat. "I uh… I didn't want to burden you on your school break, plus you work a lot so…"

"Oh my god! She's a total M.I.L.F!" Emmett exclaimed. "If I was older and unattached, I'd totally hit that. She is like super old but just look how hot she is. Shit! She must be in her early 40's by now. I kinda wish I was the one who got shot, just so she'd tend to my ass."

Bella smacked Emmett in the back of the head. "Dad, I think it's great. Mrs. Clearwater is one of the best nurses at the care center and she's very professional. I just hope it's not too expensive."

"No, no Princess. Don't you worry about that. I got a special rate…"

"Well, okay then." Bella shrugged.

"Wait, is she related to Officer Clearwater?" I inquired.

Emmett turned around. "That's her mom, dude. And her son Seth was in our class."

Chief Swan seemed anxious to leave. "Yep, they're a real nice family. Now, Bells, why don't you drop me off and then go help Daniel get settled in. I know I'll be in really good hands with Mrs. Clearwater here. You kids run along. You deserve a little R&R."

Once Bella was assured that her father would be well taken care of, we drove back to Emmett's house where I was greeted with hugs from his entire family, including some comforting bun rubs from Grammy. As wonderful as that was, I had one pressing need.

A toilet.

With one last squeeze from Bella, I sharted in my trousers. My sphincter failed me. _I pushed you to your limits but you did well, my friend. _

I hated to cut the welcome home festivities short. "Um, yes… well, I really need a shower. I just feel so dirty from being in jail and all. And I'm completely exhausted."

I ran off to the downstairs bathroom, hoping nobody noticed my accident in all the commotion. When I took care of business, it was probably the greatest relief of my life, after finding out that I didn't kill Chief Swan and Bella being so accepting of my foreskin.

I brushed my teeth and started to undress. I noticed that I smelled like a stale jail cell as I stripped off my clothing and was about to get into the shower. I hoped I hadn't catch lice or scabies. Immediately, I heard Emmett in the shower upstairs. He must have been feeling quite dirty himself having gone so long without bathing. _That must have driven him mad with his hygiene issues._ I gave him a few minutes to get in his shower before starting my own so as not to make his water run cold. In the mean time I sat on the floor of the bath, pondering my existence and releasing a few tears with both tension and relief. I should have been overjoyed but I think I was still in shock form that past 24 hours.

Once Emmett was finished, I climbed in under the hot water. I washed my hair, enjoying the familiar scent of my special dandruff shampoo and soaped up my body. I vowed to never take a private toilet and hot shower for granted ever again. Just as I was thoroughly washing up my privates, I heard the door opening. Thankfully I folded up my soiled pants in case of visitors.

"Grammy, thank you so much for your help!" I called out.

"It's not Grammy."

_Oh dear._ "Um… Bella!" I quickly scrubbed and rinsed my bum crack. "Did you need to pee pee?"

"Um… yeah." I heard the tell-tale tinkle. Even her using the toilet is adorable.

"Well, I'll be out in just a minute so you have enough hot water. I'm sure you'd like a hot shower too."

"Um… I was thinking we could save water by showering together."

"Oh!" I ripped open the curtain and peaked at the vision in front of me. My voluptuous angel, all curves and softness. She glowed under the heat lamp on the ceiling. My eyes became laser beams, narrowing in on their targets. Ripe, pink nipples that begged to be sucked. Wide hips and thick thighs waiting for my hands to squeeze them. In an instant, I was so hard I almost passed due to the blood rushing out of my brain and into my loins.

Bella smiled shyly and climbed into the shower.

I looked up and down her body, appreciating all her fine attributes. But I couldn't see her well enough, so I reached over to the toilet where my glasses were sitting and put them on. When I looked up at her face, she was still checking me out. She seemed to like it. I couldn't believe a girl was looking at me with lustful eyes.

I didn't want to be that creepy boyfriend who just pounces on his girl the minute he gets out of prison, but at the same time I wanted to show her how much I appreciated her being my woman and standing by me through my incarceration. So I kissed her with all my passion as I reached over for the shampoo.

"Let me take care of you, Bella." I said as I began to shampoo her hair. She melted into my touch and groaned as I massaged her scalp. Since I didn't have a flannel, I soaped up her whole body with my large bare hands. Certainly, I had seen and fondled bits and pieces of her, but having her here slick and wet under the bright bathroom lights before me was probably the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.

On my knees I kissed her tummy and placed her leg on the side of the shower. I soaped up her ladyfur and moist bits, careful not to get soap in her urethra, of course. She gasped as I lovingly spread the lather up her crack.

"Daniel!" Bella sounded shocked.

"What, sweetie? I'm just helping out down here and back there."

She looked at me with wonder. "It feels nice."

Then I squeezed her biscuits. "I like to be thorough."

"Here, hold onto the side and turn around." I placed her leg onto the side of the tub again. Her backside to me, I could admire it all I wanted as I lathered up her legs. She was very clean by the time I was done. I used the soap as an excuse to touch her but once I rinsed her off, I just grabbed her ample hips and began nibbling and sucking on her bum cheeks.

"Daniel!" She laughed again.

"Shhhhhhh!" I tried to sooth her as I fondled her lady bits.

"Oh Daniel, I'm getting so worked up." She was breathing very heavily.

"I love working you up. Hot damn! You are a gorgeous woman."

I reached around to fondle her clitoris from the front as I worked my body up her luscious frame. My manhood twitched as her bum rubbed against my nipples. I pressed my erection against her thigh and massaged her breasts with my other hand. Bella's moaning indicated that her nips were as sensitive as mine. I couldn't wait to suck on them.

"They're so big! You have magnificent globes."

"Oh God, Daniel!"

"Please, feel free to refer to me by my first name. " I lowered my voice and whispered. "It's Thor." I had always wanted to say that to a woman!

Bella poked her bum out from the wall. "We're going to run out of hot water soon so ram your fingers up my pussy like you did before."

"OK!" _I love a woman who barks orders._

I kept one hand massaging her breast as I reached her from behind and worked my fingers vigorously in her tight hole as she massaged her love button. Bella turned her head to the side so I could give her a sloppy wet kiss. I nibbled her neck as she started to moan.

"Ooooh! Aaaah! Oh Thor! Fuuuuck!" She choked out as she shuddered in orgasm. Although she was trying to be quiet, I was sure the whole family could hear. _Listen to that, Emmett! Listen to what I'm doing to my girlfriend!_

I held Bella for a few moments until her breathing settled down then I rubbed some of grammy's bath oil all over her body. I didn't want her to get dry skin. My penis mysteriously found that soft space where her thighs and bum cheeks met. So I pressed it in further. I could feel the hair on her labia majora deliciously brushing over the top of my penis.

_Oh my!_

It was such a delicious warm feeling. I wondered if that was what it felt like in her vagina, except for the hair.

I pressed in and out a few more times and groaned.

"Daniel!" Bella giggled then whispered. "Nice girls don't do it like that!"

"Of course they do, silly sausage!" I tried to sound sexy. "And nice boys like me will do anything nice girls tell them to do. _Anything._"

I pulled her hair over to the side and with one last thrust between the apex of her cheeks and thighs, I kissed and sucked the back of her neck.

"Kiss me?" she asked.

"I just did."

She turned around. "On the lips," she demanded.

Looking forward to the new task at hand, I started to kneel down again but she grabbed my face. "Up here."

Our facial lips smashed and I couldn't contain my passion so I rammed my tongue down her throat. I was so hard I felt like I could cum in three strokes. When Bella stroked my staff with the body oil, that's exactly what I did. My hips bucked and my legs quivered as I watched my semen squirt all over her stomach and drip down into her pubic hair. The sight of it was so arousing. I had a feral desire to spray it in and on other places as well.

As my orgasm subsided, I remembered my manners. "I'm sorry, I should have lasted longer but-"

Bella cut off my words with a kiss.

"Bella, I didn't want to be some animal, fresh out of the slammer, ejaculating on his woman, thus, marking her as his and his alone." I nuzzled her neck. "Though I am rather starved for affection. I've been lonely. So, so lonely…"

"Sweet Daniel, your timing's perfect. Besides, the water's cooling down," she whispered with a smile. "Let's go take a nap?"

I nodded my head. "Wait here." I got out of the shower, wrapped myself up in a towel and handed her a fresh one.

"I'll um… just be in my room." I wanted to give her some privacy.

Just as I was putting on my favorite pajamas, Bella quietly walked in, barely covered by her towel. She looked worried.

"I don't have any clothes. I've been wearing the same thing since yesterday morning. I'll just borrow one of Emmett's t-shirts. She started walking over to his drawers." My heart ached at her familiarity with Emmett's things. I wanted her to go for my clothing as her first instinct.

"N-no. Here." I bent down and grabbed my Carpe Diem shirt. I couldn't have her wearing Emmett's clothes anymore. "Try this on. It's sort of long, like a night gown. It would look lovely on you."

"Um… ok." She seemed unsure for some reason.

When she dropped her towel, I couldn't help but stare again. I was mesmerized with pride at seeing my beautiful girl wear my t-shirt. It was stretched to its limits over Bella's succulent breasts, her nipples already wearing holes through the 80-20 cotton-polyester blend. It fit her perfectly. She _belonged_ in _my_ shirts.

Like a thirsty man in the Sahara desert, I attacked her breasts with my mouth, not caring that there was fabric in the way.

As I reached down to give her a playful pinch, I noticed that my shirt just barely covered her bum.

"Bella, where are your knickers?" I chided.

"I-I didn't have any fresh panties." Bella was nervously looking around the room.

"You could wear mine. I have some clean ones."

"No way! They wouldn't fit over my huge ass."

"Indeed!" I growled. "Uh… just go without. It's um… the European way."

"Really?"

"Oh yes. Totally normal in Europe to go commando." I assured her as I glanced back at her chest.

"Well, I guess it's okay then." Bella bit her lip and blushed.

I was lost, gazing upon the wet spots I left on her, well, _my _shirt.

"Daniel!" Bella gently slapped my face.

"Where did you go? You were just staring."

_To a beautiful place, just over the rainbow…_

"What? Um…" I looked over to the bed. "Guess I'm rather knackered. You must be too?"

I watched Bella climb up into my bunk. The view from below was magnificent and I could feel another stirring in my loins. _I love being 19!_ I couldn't resist giving her a little pat on her bum on her way up.

"There you go love. Just making sure you get up there safely." Before I climbed up, I surreptitiously grabbed her dirty panties with my foot and scooted them under the bed so I could savor them later when I was alone.

Naturally, as we situated ourselves in bed with me wrapped around my girl, my shirt rode up leaving her bum deliciously exposed for my curious hands. I could tell she was smiling but also exhausted and ready to fall asleep.

"Thank you, Bella," I whispered into her ear.

"For what?" she yawned.

"Everything." I kissed her behind her ear and grabbed her tight, just snuggling in and absorbing her emotional and physical warmth. I could tell by her slowed breaths that she was asleep.

"Bella?" I whispered again. I hated to wake her.

"Yeah baby?"

"Can I be the little spoon?"

"Of course!"

We both carefully flipped over.

I gripped my pillow and mumbled. "It was lonely in prison."

"Oh, you poor baby. I've got you now. Everything will be alright," she cooed. I finally fell asleep to the feel of her hands under my pajamas, teasing my skin.

* * *

**A/N:** Oooh the sexytimes are getting steamier! You likey? *cringe* Ever been in jail?

Be sure and check out the **spankthemonkey4U contest** here at FF. **Daniel** is going to be a judge. :-D

**As always, reviews and feedback are so appreciated!**


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